Herein Lies the Promise of J. F. Swanton
J.F. Swanton, a barbaric fur trapper, boasts of his cruel and outrageous methods of trapping, his appalling business practices, and his intent to kill his main rival, the beloved fur trapper P.B. Fouke.
The Promise of P. B. Fouke is Indefatigable
Fouke Fur Co. President P. B. Fouke responds to his lecherous rival, J. F. Swanton, pledges to be even more honorable to his customers, and places a bounty on his beard.
The Message of P. B. Fouke is Heard!
P. B. Fouke, President and General Manager of the Fouke Fur Company, returns to mourn the passing of his wife, reflect on life, and talk more about his undying love of fur and the fur trade.
Writ Large is the Declaration of J.F. Swanton
Evil fur trapper J.F. Swanton finds religion, talks a woman into suicide, and twice saves his best friend and longtime rival, P.B. Fouke, from the cruelest traps known to man.
Live as Lightning is the Motto of P. B. Fouke
Philip Bond Fouke takes time away from running the most successful fur business in human history to set the record straight and reflect on the benefits of being a cyclops.
Gaily Furnished is the Preamble of A.P. Brown
Adventurer and fur baron A.P. Brown returns to America to find the fur industry ruled by incompetents.
P. B. Fouke Conducts Business for a Higher Purpose
P. B. Fouke responds to the competition, challenges them to pluck out their eyeballs, marries a beautiful woman, and welcomes his newest employee, Captain H. W. Grieves.
A.P. Brown is the Guarantor of Absolute Satisfaction
Fur mogul A.P. Brown responds to his critics and reacts to the needs of his respected customers.
Before You is the Briefing of Captain H. W. Grieves
With P. B. Fouke out of commission due to a brain tumor, the brutal Captain H. W. Grieves takes control of the Fouke Fur Company and institutes harsh measures against mutineers and competitors.
P. B. Fouke Lives, Prospers & Apologizes!
P. B. Fouke, champion of the fur industry, returns from the brink of death to save the trade from certain doom, oust the mad Captain H. W. Grieves, re-unite his company, offer hitherto unheard of savings, and apologize for not being able to do enough for his hundreds of thousands of loyal customers.
These are the Proclamations of Captain H. W. Grieves
Captain H. W. Grieves settles into his new job as a pin boy for a local bowling alley and looks to the future, mapping out his strategy for success and what must be done to achieve it.
P. B. Fouke Delivers Greatness
In the latest edition of the Trappers' Partner periodical and catalogue, beloved fur magnate P. B. Fouke shares the glorious news of his new beard and also reflects on the birth of his new son.
Bitter Were the Fluids of J.F. Swanton
If I arced my urine into the jaws of my friend, the Tennessee combat badger, would he accept it as nourishment? And furthermore, would he, out of respect for our shared situation, oblige me in passing it through his hindquarters and into my waiting mouth?
There Can Be No Greater Friend Than P. B. Fouke
Trappers and shippers, I come before you with news of glory and triumph! So great is my satisfaction right now that I CAN SCARCELY FEEL THE SHARP PAIN IN MY SKULL THAT PLAGUES ME DAY AND NIGHT. The source of this unbridled joy: MY HEROIC RESCUE OF J. F. SWANTON FROM CERTAIN DEATH.
I Address YOU, the Valued Fouke Customer
I am Eugene Cranford Fouke, cousin of the much-admired Philip Bond Fouke, who, at this tortured hour, is once again ill. I have spared no expense on his care and comfort, insisting Dr. F. Gerald Thornton labor by his side, constantly sponging the seep from his engorged cranium. Naturally, I am assuming control of this outfit until Philip recovers.
Behold the Sacred Prophecy of P. B. Fouke!
Good news loyal trappers and shippers: your faithful commander is back at the helm! As you are probably well aware from prior issues of this publication, I WAS IN A COMATOSE STATE FOR SOME MONTHS, teetering precariously between life and death. I am pleased to report that those days are behind me!
P. B. Fouke Redoubles His Commitment to Excellence
You hold in your hands a treasured tome, one second only to His Written Works in reverence and import. The Trappers' Partner Periodical & Catalogue is an indispensible ally to the accomplished trapper and shipper, a venerable publication whose every word betters the human condition and amplifies the greatness of man.
From the Autobiography of P. B. Fouke: On Love & Romance
When it comes to the greatest endeavors a man can undertake, the two most revered pursuits are without question the trapping and skinning animals and the taming the female heart. These two great passions may seem at odds, but they could not be more similar.
The Bloodlust of J.F. Swanton is Implacable
After two and a quarter years in the forest, nude as a lion, killing thousands of God's creatures and extincting several species, I hereby return to business. I pledge to translate my demented thirst for death into the lowest prices and fairest dealings in this noble industry. I AM THRILLED TO RETURN!
E. C. Fouke's Compendium of Meat & Edibles
With great pride I invite you to join me for this, the inaugural edition of E. C. Fouke's Compendium of Meats & Edibles. I trust that in time this humble endeavor shall find its home beside the most treasured works of publication, and an indispensable companion to that most splendid of souls, the American Carnivore.
E. C. Fouke's Compendium of Meat & Edibles: A Challenge Met
A glorious day has dawned, faithful Carnivores! It is with great pleasure that I announce to you that my $1,000.00 challenge has been met! Ah, how this quest has eluded me for so long! At last, after years of searching, fate has seen fit to award me that most precious thing each Carnivore yearns for: The taste of a new meat.
Innovative is the Cruelty of J.F. Swanton
Though the Waccamaw Eyebleed could coax such suffering from an elk that it would beg for its life IN ENGLISH-- this has been verified by seven major university studies-- no trap I designed could match the cruelty of my own heart. Until today!
The Magnificence of P. B. Fouke Remains Resolute
Readers, I come to you with a sense of renewed urgency. Each and every word you see before you carries with it tremendous weight, for not since the Good Book has the written word been given such a grand and glorious thing to communicate. I, Philip Bond Fouke III, am a man reborn.
E. C. Fouke's Compendium of Meat & Edibles: On Orphan & Other Fine Meats
Greetings to you, my fellow American Carnivore. I am pleased and delighted to bring you another edition of my celebrated periodical, the most spirited tribute to the healthy and unabated consumption of all living beasts.
The Copious Bulletin of J.F. Swanton
The life of J.F. Swanton brims with deed and circumstance! Never before have I had so many evil acts to report, and to write of each in detail would overfill this newsletter to a state of bloody bursting, like the bladder of an elk suffering the horror of my patented Agonizing Urine Reversal Trap (pg. 12).
P.B. Fouke Has Done the Unthinkable
I must warn the more sensitive among you that the particulars of my crime are not for the faint of heart. The words that follow are a graphic account of the incident, and they may leave you feeling weak of stomach. Let me also state, as a courtesy to my business associates, that I alone am accountable.
Now, Treasured Customer, an Urgent Dispatch from R. J. Heckwolf
Here is what I stand before you to declare: I am disgusted beyond all measure by the growing abundance of small dogs in the world. This vile plague has been spreading from Europe and the Orient with increasing potency.
