November 19, 2013

Thank you shrek

— Shed Shitley (@DinkMagic) November 17, 2013

It's great being among my fellow jocks here on Twitter. Although at times some of you sound... almost like nerds...

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) November 17, 2013

was having a great day and then I saw a man with a little ponytail :(

— Andy Levy (@andylevy) November 16, 2013

Watching men eagerly embarrass themselves when a woman posts a selfie on Instagram is my favorite sport.

— Adrienne (@adrienneMTK) November 16, 2013

Giving my wife a crash course in cybergoth after she told me one of her coworkers spends a lot of time stomping around to this jibber jabber

— A Magical Corpse (@Dead_Wizard) November 16, 2013

What's that? Stop saying "fifty dollar bill" like Data from Goonies? That's like asking the moon to stop being a pervert.

— Ahm Seventysix (@Ahm76) November 16, 2013

my roommate wants to make me a vest with habitrail tubes etc attached so that I can wear my hamsters out places

— lauren (@catches_stars) November 16, 2013

Why did god not put me in a relationship w a wrestler to whom I could say "one mans traps are another mans pleasure"

— Greg (@weedguy420boner) November 16, 2013

Jeez, Alec Baldwin, at least when Eminem calls someone a "cocksucking fag" he's forced to rhyme it with "Oh wow, there's a bag" or whatever.

— billy eichner (@billyeichner) November 15, 2013

@webmd I suspect it has actually been food coming out of my butt hole in shit form this entire time. my apologies to your staff on the posts

— Michael Hale (@dogboner) November 15, 2013

#PS4 tell your momma to give me a kiss you stupid sons of bitches. while your playin those dumb games i'm getting married to your mom.

— The Houston Pooper (@Perfect_Beanis) November 15, 2013

"This new generation of consoles is absolute bollocks mate. its a bit shite innit "-- british guy who has opinions about videogames

— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) November 15, 2013

is everything Location

— Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 15, 2013

if you bring a blacklight into your average hotel you'll be disgusted by how women shoot their breast milk all over the blankets and walls

— deg (@degg) November 14, 2013

would like a surgery to get a fully functioning tail that i could wrap around my thing and jack it while i kick back in a chair.

— Craig (@girl_liker) November 14, 2013

people who get really into self-identifying as "pastafarians" seem to have missed the point? also they are garbage people

— milt ronmey (@someofmybest) November 14, 2013

[waves at a guy on the street and he waves back] "fucking second wave poser"

— Mr. Low T (@gewqk) November 14, 2013

someone is showing me what battlefield 4 looks like and i hope that i die of alcohol poisioning

— hazle weatherfield (@genericsoda) November 14, 2013

Ah dammit my penis is all clogged from eating too much chicken

— Duke LongMemo (@dukelongboard) November 14, 2013

Andy Kaufman faked his death? Big deal! I faked my entire life.

— david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) November 14, 2013

A doctor saved a life in the time it took me to photograph my cat wearing sunglasses.

— Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) November 14, 2013

In "Sex Motorcycle 2: The Gathering" HornyManTravis has to retrieve the 50 shards of his motorcycle that the FBI scattered around the globe

— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) November 13, 2013

pussy look like the eye of Sauron.

— War Bitch (@tween_sensation) November 13, 2013

Is anyone @McDonalds right now I'm not

— Brian (@beebee880) November 13, 2013

when im not jerking off im taking shits

— BRANSON (@bransonbranson) November 13, 2013

I try to live my life as Jesus would, by drinking all day and eating nothing but sardines

— DaveDittell69 (@davedittell) November 12, 2013

At 8:09:10 11/12/13 we will all find out who our least interesting friends are.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) November 12, 2013

My only purpose on earth is to stain every white shirt I own.

— molly (@Molly_Kats) November 12, 2013

ah, just composing some tweets from my @DellCares computer sipping some @jonessodaco and munching some @DiGiornoPizza. life is good!!!!! #sp

— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) November 11, 2013

This Three-Legged Dog Walked Into One Of The World's Most Dangerous Bars--And You Won't Believe Who He's Looking For

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) November 11, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)