Patch Notes: Dead Island

Before we introduce the changes and bug fixes in this version of Dead Island, we would like to thank our customers for their patience.

Sure, we accidentally released an old version of the game at launch, then asked everyone to re-download the whole thing only to realize that this time we had uploaded a DVD rip of Robocop 3.

You, however, stuck by us, and we truly appreciate that. It is our sincere belief that Dead Island is now the open world first person zombie action-rpg that we set out to make.

General

• Time now moves forward.
• It seems that some players were uncomfortable with the way that female bikini zombies collapsed after death, with their legs spread and their asses raised in the air. We added an apology in fine print to the bikini butthole texture.
• People really seem to love the color coded loot, so we added the remaining 24 million colors to the random drop system. They do not denote any particular level of quality, but technically speaking they do make each item much more rare.
• Removed the escape boat which would occasionally spawn off the coast within the first ten minutes, drastically shortening the length of the game.

User Interface

• Added way more blood splatters to every menu. You can barely see what you’re selecting. It’s great.
• Reworked inventory management. All weapons are now kept under the Misc tab, all miscellaneous items are kept under the Quest Items tab, and all quest items are now impossible to pick up.
• Removed an item from the main menu which simply read “Hot Dog Button”. Still not sure how it got there.

Gameplay

• Driving controls have been simplified and reworked to feel more natural. Pressing the only remaining button will now initiate the warp drive and immediately take you to your destination.
• Kissing a zombie no longer turns you into a zombie, unless you use tongue.
• After hacking individual limbs off of zombies, many players were wondering why they couldn’t pick those limbs up and use them as weapons. To remedy this, detached body parts now disappear upon hitting the ground.

Graphics

• Added water to the environment, making the island an actual island rather than a figurative island. Sheesh, some people just don’t understand subtext.
• Zombie combat simply wasn’t as visceral and disgusting as we intended. Replaced all zombie models with FMV of medical cadavers being torn apart by lions.

Sound

• Every single instance of voice acting was terrible. We kept it all in, but overlaid some random unlicensed clips of Nolan North and Steve Blum.

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– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)