Guitar Supermen Are Our Superiors
The singer dove off the stage and crowd surfed in a sort of reverse funeral procession where the person being carried is the only one truly alive. Touching him I felt religious ecstasy and started speaking in tongues and requesting songs that didn't exist.
Dear Lisa, I Have a Drug Problem
To be a designated driver I drink beer, then do coke to cancel out the beer, then Quaaludes to take the edge off the coke, then PCP to stay awake on the Quaaludes, then more beer to drown out my friends, who are yelling at me to find my clothes and get off the roof because they want to go home.
The Prom
"Look over to the podium," the blowup doll said. "They're announcing us prom king and queen."
Pharmacies and the Depressed People who Love Them
The mortar and pestle on pharmacy signs looks like an inverted Taco Bell logo. Old people sometimes confuse the two and go to Taco Bell for their heart medicine and get triple beef burritos and die instantly.
Sobriety vs. Demonic Toys
The poor quality of the tape makes it look less like a movie and more like a director’s half-formed idea for one. After a few drinks the room looks the same way, making you forget which side of the screen you’re on.
Only Attractive People can Shop at Abercrombie & Fitch
If an unattractive person somehow gets their hands on forbidden Abercrombie & Fitch merchandise, dodging the lava pits and robot mannequins that throw the ampersands from their A&F T-shirts like shurikens, they'll fall victim to the store's mirrors, which explode if they display unattractive people, shooting shards of glass into the people's faces.
Portrait of a Sneeze Fetish Model
In today’s video Emma is doing forced sneezes, where a man holds a handful of pepper under her nose. She secretly enjoys these videos the most. While she hates being dominated during sex, her sinuses are naturally submissive.
Some Types of Parties
Life is just a vast warehouse of people, music and beer to be assembled into parties. Here are some of the most popular types of parties happening today.
A Bunch of Ravers took over My McDonald's
One night in 1989 I showed up to my job at the McDonald’s in Times Square, New York, and the place was filled with gay ravers. They were dressed as gay versions of McDonald’s mascots, like Mac Tonight in Liberace garb and Mayor McCheese with a rainbow sash.
Psychologists Are Reptiles
As janitor at a counseling office, one of my jobs is to clean the secret staff entrance. The entrance, a 50-foot hallway, runs between the office and the alternate universe where psychologists live.
Erotic Cashier Stories
The touchscreen had an interface I didn't understand, and I kept hitting the wrong buttons, flooding the screen with error messages. Each one made the cashier cringe, but told me to keep going. As I fumbled through the menus trying to upgrade my meal he began breathing heavily.
The Video Game I Made about My Mom's Third Divorce
In 1996 I won Fox Kids' Create a Video Game Sweepstakes, a contest where the winner got to work with Sega to design their own video game. As a 13-year-old nerd I would've been thrilled, except that my mom and current dad were getting divorced at the time.
Reality Journal
Total daymare last afternoon. I waked I saw all the monsters from my nightmares, but in human form, as coworkers, family members, and random people on the street.
