Captain Pancakes

For Secret Santa in 3rd grade, I was able to immediately find out that my secret Santa was my poor-ass friend Cormac.

First gift I got was a used rubber key-chain that I remember he found on the floor of our school-bus. This is what gave him away.

Second gift I got was a flashlight that was filled with some old pogs.

The third, a box of really old, slimed over candy-canes.

I remember looking around the classroom and seeing kids opening up things with action figures, video games, and lots of candy, and then started crying because I was given a fucking used key-chain, from someone that was supposedly my friend.

He was no longer my friend after that. Because I was coincidentally HIS Secret Santa, I hoped that he'd try and get good gifts for me, seeing as how awesome the gifts I got him were. But nope, a fucking broken key-chain and a cheap-flashlight filled with pogs isntead of batteries was the best he could do.

Now I know Cormac's family was really poor, and probably didn't give him shit to buy gifts with, but I couldn't believe that he'd give me the same broken keychain that he had found underneath the seat we sat together in on the bus. Did he think I wouldn't remember it?

That was the first time I learned that it doesn't matter how nice you are to someone else, you'll still get shit on.

Sensual Ozma Lover: that poor kid learned from his mistakes and grew up to be Cormac Mcarthy, author of "The Road" a cautionary tale of why you should buy your friend the cool new tech gadgets instead of shit you picked up off the Road


When I was 17, my dad gave me a driver's course thing at a local race way. Sounds cool? But it was an obvious dig on my driving abilities, and didn't feel all that wonderful. Especially as I was trying so desperately to get a Game Cube, it was the only thing I asked for..

Holocausplay: later his dad got him a gamecube and three copies of mario kart

Hoover Dam

One year my mother in law got us potpourri. After we got home from the family party, my husband asked what it was. "You put it in a container and it smells nice," I said.
"Here's a container," he said, motioning towards the garbage can.
"Works for me."

bropocalypse now

Yayy!! I got an iPad! All is well with the world, right? WRONG. Stupid tfamily bought me the wifi only version. Thanks, this will make an excellent addition to my trash can. Better luck next year, right?


The worst thing is when you get a present from someone close which makes you question everything that you know or think about them.

I had been with my now ex-girlfriend for about 2 years and I thought she was the most amazing girl ever. We were about 20. Then one Christmas she gave me this horrible horrible wristwatch, which was totally opposite my taste in every way. While I obviously appreciated the gesture, I couldn't believe she would buy me something like that. It showed that she didn't knew me at all.

It was just a stupid present, but it made me really fucking sad. As a person who has displaced my affect from human relationships onto material objects, I am shocked and appalled at this horrible interaction between me and a supposed "love one."

What are these pies

My aunt is worse though, because she's a competent human being but just really doesn't get along with me and my mom. She'll buy one sister tickets for them to go see a Red Wings game and clothes, the other sister Coach purses and clothes, and me... a random gift set from Bath and Body Works, and maybe a gift card or something. Last year the lotions exploded in the tiny box she shipped them in, and she forgot to actually purchase the giftcard. I have high hopes for this year though because I just asked for any Lush products and there are tons of Lush giftboxes under the tree. I just hope she didn't get me a Coach bag... they really aren't my style and I feel like she would feel all proud of herself for thinking of me when she was there.

Autism Monday: fcuk! another expensive bagh from aunt. chirstmas is ruined.

bropocalypse now: A several hundred dollar luxury item, for free as a gift? nay, just nay

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