In my many months of playing Everquest, I have found it to be a somewhat boring and tedious game. A good portion of your playing time is devoted to either running through zones or sitting on your dead ass to regenerate hit points / mana. Hell, I can sit around and do nothing in my apartment (and I don't have to pay 10 dollars a month). Some of the only fun in Everquest can be obtained by messing around with people and acting like an idiot, both of which I have had alot of real-world training in. As a result, I have taken it upon myself to make the world of Norrath a more stupid place for everybody else by devising a list of "How to Annoy People in Everquest". I hope you find this article helpful and informative, because I sure as hell didn't.

  • Walk everywhere crouching. Claim you've got scurvy and try to buy vitamin C from everybody you pass.
  • Group with people in combat parties and immediately go on strike, demanding that they provide dental insurance.
  • Open toll booths at entrances / exits to zones. Demand people pay you 5 platinum to cross or else you'll lead a train of rabid armadillos to them. If they don't cave in and give you the money, accuse them of being racist.
  • Find some low level creature and get it to attack you, then train it over to a group of people. Begin talking to it like it is a personal friend of yours, ask it if it wants some armor or food. If it ever hits you for damage, become outraged and demand an explanation. Wait a few seconds and then make up with it. Before you log out, ask the other people around you if they'll group with it.
  • Demand everybody in the zone leave at once because "Me and my high level GM friends are putting up a parking garage here." Ask all trolls if they want to be valet attendants. Tipping would be optional.
  • Go to high level areas and try to sell level 40+ people deeds to zones for at least 20 platinum. If they claim you can't sell land in Everquest, tell them that you've got the papers in your inventory. When they ask to see them, respond by saying a rat ran off with the papers and you'll give them 20 platinum to find the rat.
  • Offer top dollar for runes of "Flatulation, Degradation, and Constipation".
  • Become a "Zone Bouncer". Hang out by narrow entrances to zones and decide who can enter or not. Let the sexy Wood Elves pass and turn away the Ogres. Repeatedly drop hints indicating bribery would help speed up the process.
  • Offer stupid money exchanges. Ask to trade eight gold pieces for one platinum. Question which is more valuable, copper or platinum. Try to trade rusty weapons for fine steel ones. If people make fun of you, call their mothers "whores".
  • Try to kill steal monsters that are really red to you.
  • Start up a level one Warrior and message high level people, offering to pay them 12 copper if they help you with "that Ice Comet Quest thing".
  • Tell people that you've started your own Everquest server that only costs $5.00 a month to subscribe to. If anybody asks you what the address of the server is, tell them "it's in my apartment".
  • Attempt to make money by doing people's taxes.
  • Use the "/ooc" channel to discuss your irregular bowel movements. If anybody objects, point out that you can't use the "/shout" channel, because it would be out of character to do so.
  • Become a "Weapons Inspector" and try to trick people into give you their weapons. Claim some NPCs have been passing off counterfeit weapons as the real thing, and you're working undercover to bust the inkeep in East Commons.
  • Make up a new NPC name and warn people in newbie zones that he's running around, killing people. If anybody asks what the NPC looks like, describe Don Rickles with a sword. Say that he can also cast invisibility on himself and can only been seen if you have the magic firebeetle eye (which you are selling).
  • Try to hit on people of the same sex. Accuse them of being women in disguise. Ask if they use AOL.
  • Speak in inaccurate role-playing talk. Say things like "Doest thee mind if'n ya'll round up some vittles for a wee varmint?", "Mine shield of magic thine proffers shall be donned up a bloody darby, guv'nah", and "Hail and well met! Where's the mother fucking salad bar, bitch?"

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)

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