Dr. Thorpe: Why do I feel like a jury when I look at this?

Zack: I've never wanted to try to fuck a dandelion less.

Dr. Thorpe: This is where BDSM meets awwww, wook at da adowabuh babee chickeee!

Zack: Awwww its twying to eat a hambuwga....oh no....

Dr. Thorpe: The saddest part about this whole affair is the dude with half a boner just raring to get into this candyfloss gimp suit, but he's like "arrrrgh, still gotta spend 56 hours knitting the left arm thing!"

Zack: Not to mention his frustration at the dozens of times his cat ran off with his garters.

Dr. Thorpe: "Bad kitty! Not a toy! Can't you see it's erotic!?"

Zack: And the cat slinks off to go sleep on grandma in her 80 kilo wool poncho.

Dr. Thorpe: Never to be seen again.

Zack: I wonder if these people devote as much time to making erotic sweaters for their Second Life characters. I have to assume the answer is yes.

Dr. Thorpe: There's probably an Oblivion mod for this.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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