this dude smells exactly like what you think: some weird health potion only libertarians drink and lots of hair sprayAnyway, this business with the republicans is stupid as hell. When I get the chance I fly out there to deal with that shit but it is boring as fuuuuuck. I guess stan torum tied mitch romney in iowa but then like a week later in new hampshire mitch romney won and everybody forgot about stan torum somehow and ron paul came in second. Whatever. Ron paul is okay, i get what he is saying about legalize drugs and let people have SCAR-H full auto call of duty guns, and I am way into limited government because what happens is government keeps growing and growing until before you know it they go from having two rangers in Denali park to six rangers plus the helicopter and a huuuuge bug up their ass about starting fires on beaver dams.

Oh yeah I get it fuckers a beaver can chew down fifteen trees but I cut down one tree to build a four wheeler ramp over a gorge and you lose your shit. Then I try to get some revenge on the beavers who are mean as fuck and can't be pet at all and you guys are charging me with unlawful animal activities or whatever and claiming threatening bodily harm on ranger which does pissing really count as harm. Like maybe if it got in your eyes but I just said I will piss on you I did not specify a bodily location.

So I am sort of down with that weird grandpa but I am way not down with that pube headed fucker rand paul. That little bitch is always getting me thrown out of events for my ringtones even though I got him aside and explaind to him "look it is what it is" when put it in your face starts playing. He threw me out last time and I was like "I HEARD ABOUT YOUR BROCHURES BITCH!" because they had something about black people having extra feet or something in there.

Things are getting rowdy in south carolina next. Newt Grinch is farting up an RV now and buying all kinds of TV ads about how mitch romney is bane in the new batman or something. I don't follow that shit because batman is gay as hell no offense to gays but seriously...batman??? Nope. The only superhero I like is the punisher because it's realistic. He just sort of walks slowly around and explodes people's faces with shotguns and like puts their heads in vices and shit. That's how it is in the real world if you ever went there you batman nerds.

when they play hoops it's like 90% white guys passing the ball to each other and 10% apologizing for unintentional fouls.All of this shit is pointless anyway Mitch romney is going to win and him and his 19 freaky ass sons are going to be living in the white house with the sister wives playing games of basketball on obama's old court. No showboating, no dunking, just really solid technical shooting and good sportsmanship like how basketball was meant to be played. NOOTTTTT.

These square head clones of his are always lined up behind him like I expect him to start saying "NOW FACE MY CLONE ARMY NEWT GRINCH!!!" and these guys march forward like star wars shit and start obliterating his enemies with like really really long, boring stories about how he is such a great dad and he works so hard and then telling a joke so bad it would have got a writer beat with a nine iron by bob hope in 1974.

Alright I was going to say something else but I have to run these enchiladas out to Snow Goose drive.


– Levi "HOckey" Johnston

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About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

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