Trillaphon: Man, I never knew that UMass Amherst had hundreds of miles of pre-Crusades crypts and tunnels underneath it. No wonder they always score so high in the Princeton Review.
Hydrogen: Are they all learning to walk again after having their legs blown off in Vietnam? Jesus Christ, I’ve seen wheelchairs move faster uphill.
Hydrogen: Also, there’s six of them, and not only can they not even hit the ten-foot-tall lumbering monstrosity, they somehow manage to shoot each other?
Trillaphon: It’s fine, they’ll just come back and plant a gun and a crack pipe on the monster later.
Hydrogen: What do you think this is, L.A.?
Trillaphon: Shit, you’re right - they’ll probably have to plant a Mooninite on him somewhere too.
Hydrogen: Let’s just step back for a moment and dwell on the fact that the Boston PD is missing an entire SWAT team in these stupid sewers for 2/3 of this movie, and nobody even notices or cares. Least of all their lead fucking homicide detective, who still somehow believes that Professor Crapped-His-Pleats is responsible for taking all of them out.
Trillaphon: In his mind, that professor guy is basically John Wick at this point. And he himself is the highly anticipated sequel John Wick 2, which he foolishly believes will be as good as or better than the original.
Hydrogen: Very foolish.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.