Nail Gun Massacre

The next string of murders happens in very rapid succession and with little setup. Two guys are shooting nail guns at each other at a construction site. When they put the nail guns down and stop playing, the real nail gunner arrives. The nail gun killer executes both of them, throwing out one-liners that don't even show a bit of effort like, "I'm not even smiling" and then following it with evil laughter so you might confuse it with a joke.

Next, the nail gun killer interrupts two shirtless lovebirds frolicking on the hood of a Camaro. The frolicking part takes a lot longer than the killing part, and the best zinger that the nail gun killer can muster is, "I'm sorry, you just don't understand." What the fuck is that, nail gun killer? How can you even laugh your evil laugh at that kind of bullshit? You're pathetic. I've seen raped children dish out better zingers than that during their revenge streaks.

Finally, a fat guy is in his home reading a newspaper while his homely daughter makes a really disgusting looking salad. Seriously, it looks like it's made out of mayo and pieces of shark skin. The fat guy manages to casually put together the nail gun killer's elaborate web of deception. Most of the victims are construction workers! Hey, maybe you can call sheriff and doc and, oops, nope. You just got gunned, son. The nail gun killer bursts from the fat guy's backyard pool and machineguns the guy into his grill with nails. When the fat guy collapses onto the grill, it nearly tips over and you can see him grab a nearby fence and push the grill back up.

Beep boop beep boop beep beep boop beep... Back at the doctor's high-tech crimelab, we get an awesome sequence of the doctor doing data entry on an ancient computer that might win the coveted "most annoying computer ever" award. It makes a high-pitched beep every time he presses one of the keys, and he's typing out full sentences. This goes on for more than a minute. Then doc, who is by now flummoxed when it comes to solving the complex nail gun killer case, decides to phone in a favor to some sort of criminal profiler. That whole thing is total bullshit that the script forgets almost instantly, so I'm not going to get into it.

What is interesting is that the doctor remarks that "ten people have been killed" by the nail gun killer. Okay, now, I can understand you're a really shitty general practitioner who wears a stupid denim jacket and you don't know anything about forensics. Fine, you can't help solve a murder. But what I expect - what I demand - from a doctor, is knowing how many murder victims he has encountered. Now, to be fair, I'm not entirely sure how many murder victims there are, but the number is either 12 or 14 by this point in the movie. That's not counting the grill guy because he is the most recent and I can give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you haven't seen that corpse.

The sheriff has no leads and doesn't have an actual police car and the chief medical examiner doesn't remember how many people have been murdered. His idea of CSI is to glance at a dead body and make a joke, so why are they only bringing in outside authorities now?! After the third murder the place should have been crawling with FBI, or at least some fucking state troopers or something. Some guys with uniforms and maybe badges that have a laminated ID card to go along with the shiny gold thing.

Back out in the hellish real world, where the nail gun killer is gradually killing off every person in New Shittington, a pair of beautiful young women are walking around woodland lanes being beautiful young women. Their walking and frolicking is set to stock music and manages to pad about five minutes into the movie. There's no dialogue or anything, just footage of these two women walking around being young. Then they catch up with the nail gun killer and you can guess what happens to them. Okay, time is up, they died from nail poisoning.

You're. Wearing. Your. Rape. Shirt. Going on a hunch, the doctor heads out to confront the daughter of the lumber yard owner. The sheriff finally suspects that she is behind the murders, but the doctor just can't believe it. Why not? I can believe it. Especially since the director went all Scooby Doo mystery on us and actually had a woman inside the nail gun killer costume. The nail gun killer goes from being like 4'10" with rolling hips while "he's" killing people, to being about 6' tall when he's unmasked at the very end. Jinkies, that ghost that phased through wall was just a guy with flour powder on him attached to a hook and pulley!

The final confrontation between the sheriff, doctor, rape victim and rape victim's murdering father takes place at a sand pit. There's some stupid plot twist worked in there somehow, but I really didn't care by that point. I was more just laughing at the fact that the daughter was wearing the exact same shirt she was wearing the day she was raped. You'd think that sort of thing might occur to you when you're getting dressed in the morning. "Oh, hmm, what to wear, what to wear. Oh, I know, I'll wear that outfit I got raped in. Yeah, that really got the attention of the boys!" I would think if that happened you might be inclined to burn those clothes or at least throw them away, not immediately return them to daily circulation.

Anyway, the doctor and the sheriff chase the nail gun killer up a big crane thing and he falls off and dies. It's really lame and stupid and cannot begin to justify the number of times I had to watch this movie to write the review. While Nail Gun Massacre fails utterly at everything it attempts, it does succeed in one important place where it's not even making an effort: Nail Gun Massacre is a great funny-bad movie.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)