It may be summer now, but this coming Halloween, a very special haunted house will be opening just for policemen. The supernatural horrors are sure to make every policeman that enters fear for his very life. Just getting inside, the policeman will have to walk down a spine tingling path past people filming them with camera phones and into a room filled with people open carrying, but too dark to see what race those people might be!

Watch out, officer!

Our huge, demonic black teenagers (5'3", age 11) will leap out from behind picnic tables and suddenly check their texts on a phone that looks exactly like a gun in our hellish strobe lights.

Going somewhere?

The policeman has to open a spooooky door that a black woman tries to close! "I'm not coming out," she'll cackle. He'll fear for more than his life, he'll fear for his very soul!

Shhhhhh, what's that sound?

The policeman will see a white man walking towards him down a decrepit hallway, but as the white man gets closer he realizes the white man is actually a homeless vagrant and he's trespassing!!! And he's wearing earbuds!!!!


Our frightmare ghost is the terrifying specter of an unarmed teenage black woman who put her hands down by her waist when a policeman clearly instructed her to "Keep them up get on the ground right now don't move!!!!!!" Even more terrifying? She appears as if she may be slightly intoxicated, giving her superhuman strength and aggression.

Keep your hands up! Because your hairs will be standing on end!

Head into the garage, where a black minister with an expired city tag is sitting in a car and he might just refuse to get out of his vehicle!! From the bowels of hell the unholy devil preacher will chillingly cry, "What did I even do?!?! What is this for?!?!" Watch out, he might reach for a bible! This happens in real life too so it is extra scary.

Still not afraid? You will be!

Does the policeman dare peer into the "eye of the damned"? He can look at the spook-o-graphic image of a white man in a hoodie that corrodes before a policeman's eyes into a gruesome latino in a hoodie and finally into a horrifying black teenager that could rip out a policeman's bones with his evil claws!

You think you're safe? Not yet!

Head out back where the policeman will be told that there is a man with braided hair and marijuana seen hiding in the shed. There is also a baby inside the shed. The policeman will be given a concussion grenade and a no-knock warrant and have to pick a window to throw the grenade through, but there's a spooky twist. The baby's crib is under all of the windows! And the man with marijuana might just sit up quickly when the policeman enters.

It's over! It's finally over!

Before the policeman leaves, a skeleton-masked trick-or-treater will reach into his trick or treat bag and pull out a toy car that is black which is the bad gun color! Let this serve as a ghostly reminder that being a policeman is almost 1/10th as dangerous as being a logger!!!!

Thank goodness this is only a haunted house and in the real world our brave men and women in blue are free to execute anyone they choose, free of consequences, so long as they were afraid for their safety. Free cider and Rice Krispie treats available to refresh all policemen after leaving the haunted house.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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