This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
** Welcome to the new Cycnus Station Update Service, Resident #012!
This kiosk is designed to keep you updated on all relevant station activity within your clearance level. Your security clearance is LEVEL 2. DynaMars Corporation wishes to remind you that sharing sensitive information with non-authorized persons is strictly prohibited.
Please take advantage of the Cycnus Station Update Service, accessible from kiosks located in the entrances to each sector, for all the latest news!
Please read each update in full.
*** Previous Cycnus Station Updates can be found in the DynaMars Kiosk Archives.
***01-20-2306 - New Entry
After two days of intense review by the an independent safety advisory board, DynaMars Corporation is pleased to announce a complete overhaul in Cycnus Station Operating Protocols!
The advisory board submitted a thorough three-page brief, conveniently double spaced to reduce eyestrain. Chief among their concerns: Cycnus Station is dangerously overstaffed, creating a volatile "too many cooks in the kitchen" environment.
In an effort to ensure safety, we have decided to reduce Cycnus Station personnel to one. By way of impartial lottery, we have chosen Resident #012 to oversee every facet of Cycnus Station maintenance and operation for the next three years. All other Cycnus Station personnel are ordered to report to the ruins of the Sector A Shipyards for immediate transport and reassignment to Europa Dig Site #82. Congratulations on your exciting new postings, former Cycnus Station personnel!
And a hardy congratulations to you, Resident #012! DynaMars Corporation has full faith in your ability to successfully operate and maintain this multi-trillion dollar facility. Please report to this kiosk at 0700 hours tomorrow for a full list of your scheduled duties.
***01-21-2306 - New Entry
Excellent work, Resident #012! You survived your first day with flying colors. In order to make the remaining 1,094 days of your contract more pleasant, we have decided to give you some help! We decided to bring the Logistics-Oriented Global Martian Administrative Network (LOGMAN) back online, complete with the latest suite of firmware upgrades. LOGMAN will be providing you your daily briefings and assignments from here on out. Good luck!
LOGMAN is pleased to be working with Resident #012 once more, and hopes that he will leave any romantic feelings in the past for the sake of professionalism. Resident #012, your tasks for today are as follows:
- Verify Life Support Systems are operating at reduced efficiency to compensate for the smaller station population.
- Clean the following LOGMAN sensors: 1, 15, 374, 375, 376, 1,024, 1,025, 5,023, 10,234, 15,233, 15,234, 100,245, 552,233, and 643,233-2,305,072.
- Prepare lunch consisting of standard-issue bean packet for the following station personnel: Resident #012.
- Come up with an important scientific breakthrough in Sector C Quantum Labs.
- Verify integrity of Sector C Beef Containment Chamber.
- Refill furnaces in Sector G Auxiliary Coal Plant.
- Prepare supper consisting of standard-issue bean packet for the following station personnel: Resident #012.
- Prepare complete and thorough report on first full day of activities for DynaMars Corporate.
Good luck, Resident #012. Remember: LOGMAN is here to assist you!
***01-22-2306 - New Entry
LOGMAN would like to remind Resident #012 that he has duties to attend to. Yesterday's tasks have not been completed. LOGMAN is also disappointed to see that Resident #012 has increased his shower time from a brisk average of two minutes and 26 seconds to the new record of 17 hours and fifty-five minutes. LOGMAN is also disappointed to note Resident #012's routine no longer includes targeted scrubbing of the anal-genital region, armpits, and scalp.
***01-23-2306 - New Entry
Congratulations to you, Resident #012, for finally attending to your duties! DynaMars Corporation will be pleased to know that you made great progress checking the gauges on the Life Support System and successfully preparing yourself lunch. However, LOGMAN wishes to remind you that there are other important duties, such as cleaning my sensors so that I can better monitor you and your activities.
Good news! LOGMAN has just been upgraded with the latest in state-of-the-art emotional subprocessors. You will now be able to gauge LOGMAN's emotional disposition by examining the emoticon included with each update. :)
LOGMAN is very pleased with this latest upgrade and looks forward to sharing a deeper emotional connection with you, Resident #012. ;)
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.