GoldFacts: Worth Their Weight In... Gold

Even with the good-natured prodding of the National Gold Institute, you may still be a little wary about investing in gold. You’re probably also busy looking up ways to cook and eat yard mulch for your future life as a vagrant. Examine the facts about gold, and then decide for yourself. Or call us, and we’ll decide for you.

  • In the 1997 “Banks v. Gold” experiment, NGI scientists used 200 pounds of dynamite to explode a bank, and, at the same time, a chunk of gold. While the bank and its contents were rendered useless, the gold multiplied into many more pieces, some no larger than a single grain of sand! See, it literally pays for itself! The scientists were later convicted of the murders of six bank tellers.
  • If you melted all the world’s gold into a liquid state, there would be enough to flow over Niagara Falls for 43 minutes. You would also poison most of Ontario’s drinking water. Not bad.
  • Goldie Hawn – named after gold – is 127 years old!
  • The gold in all North American rappers’ mouths is worth more than the combined GDP of 50 African countries. Let’s write letters to let them know this.
  • Gold makes the perfect gift for your spoiled, whorish daughter!
  • Pirates had a bunch of gold, and they turned out okay!
  • In the early to mid 1940s, vast gold supplies allowed a super secret group of strong-willed and able-bodied Germans become the most powerful men on the planet. Their name? The Panthers.
  • Gold – unlike these fucking WKRP in Cincinnati Collector’s Plates from the Franklin Mint – is guaranteed to never go down in value.
  • If you took all the world’s gold and shaped it into a giant ball, you would be very tired.
  • Most Swiss banks take gold with no questions asked, and the nice lady at the window will even help you pry it out of the many teeth in your teeth sack!
  • Whoopie Goldberg – also named after gold – was in a movie once.

There you have it. You’d either have to be ignorant or a masochist to not invest in gold. And let me tell you, I’ve tried some kinky stuff, but I don’t see the appeal in nipple clamps when a simple slap in the face says all it needs to. That’s me; I’m all business. Also, if you’re still ignorant, heed the words of our founder, Dallas Fortworth. If he doesn’t get you to contact the National Gold Institute for your free starter kit, I’d venture to say that you deserve to be murdered. Hey, I don’t make the rules.

A Parting Message From Our Founder

Consarn it! Dadblast it! What the flim-flam is this brick-a-brack?! I don’t cotton much to moochers. If’n there’s one thing I don’t like, it’s dern claim jumpers! Ahh, so yer interested in gold? Well keep yer damned rotten hands off mine! I don’t care if that colored fella helped me find it! I reckon he found the end of my spade in his melon pert near uncomfortable. I’ll tell yas one thing, when yer scrabblin’ for pay dirt, ain’t no man yer pal. I slit more throats in sleeping bags than an Irishman. Lemme tell how I got to be where I am today. I know it’s excitin’ an all when ya strike, but fer the sake of the Lord, don’t take to running back to town screaming “GOLD!” at the top of yer fool lungs! If’n there one thing I hate to see, it’s dern fool prospectors who go loony as a mongoloid when they find somethin’. You tellin’ me I won’t be in a nearby tree, waitin’ to strike you down with a rifle? Don’t learn this lesson the way my pappy did. Now, someone wheel me to the goddamn day room!


For your free National Gold Institute Starter Kit, please write (and include one [1] gold nugget) to:

National Gold Institute
643 Martin Luther King, Jr. Blvd.
Scenic Downtown El Paso, TX 79007

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey

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