This article is part of the The Lost Transcripts of Mr. Wizard series.


(Scene opens with Mr. Wizard and Raul in the LAB)

MR. WIZARD: Okay Raul, in order to continue with our experiment we're going to have to don our protective equipment. Have you got your goggles and gloves ready?

RAUL: ¿Qué?

MR. WIZARD: K? Kay? What the... Goggles and gloves! Do you have any? We're going to be working with acid, you stupid child.

RAUL: No comprendo, Senor Mago. No comprendo.

MR. WIZARD: (Rubs his temples and sighs) I don't speak Greek or Gargoyle or whatever it is you're saying. Do you know what acid is?

RAUL: ¿El ácido?

(Mr. Wizard throws a beaker of acid in Raul's face. Raul runs screaming from the room)


MR WIZARD: Well, it looks like you understand now, Raul. Go get your fucking goggles.


(Scene opens with Tracy and Mr. Wizard standing at the counter in the KITCHEN)

TRACY: That's strange, Mr. Wizard. I would have assumed that the bowling ball would have sunk like a stone! How is it floating?

MR. WIZARD: Well Tracy, it has to do with the density of the ball, or any object for that matter. You see, the ball on its own might feel heavy to you, but if its density is less than the density of that of water, or one gram per cubic centimeter, then it will float.

TRACY: So do all bowling balls float?

MR. WIZARD: No, not all of them. It has to do with ...

RICK ASTLEY: Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie, and hurt you.

(Rick Astley leaves the KITCHEN through the PATIO DOOR)

TRACY: Um ... what? Was that just Rick Astley?

MR. WIZARD: It certainly seems so. He felt the need to interrupt us by singing that god-awful song. I can't think of anything more annoying. Let's hope that never, ever grows in popularity or happens again.


(Scene opens with Mr. Wizard and Carl seated at the table in the KITCHEN. Tracy enters from the HALLWAY)

TRACY: Hey guys! Whats going on today?

MR. WIZARD: Well, we've been going science-crazy in the lab all day, and we've been getting hungry. I'm gonna make Carl hotdogs. Would you like some too, Tracy?

CARL: I love hotdogs!

MR. WIZARD: Of course you do, you fat little shit.

TRACY: I'd love a Carl hotdog.

CARL: Hahaha, he's not making Carl hotdogs. What he meant was he's making hotdogs for me, Carl. You big silly!

MR. WIZARD: No, no. She had it right.

CARL: Wha...

(Mr. Wizard wraps a plastic grocery bag around Carl's head. Carl struggles and thrashes about violently)

TRACY: Mmmm... Carl hotdogs.


(Scene opens with Mr. Wizard and Bryan passing a joint back and forth under a tree in the PARK)

BRYAN: (coughing) Whoa... this shit hits strong. Where did you get it?

MR. WIZARD: Donald's ... (coughing) Donald's dad picked it up for me when he went to Argentina last month. I think it's laced with something.

BRYAN: Man, I just thought of something. What if we're just sitting here getting fucked up and my leg falls asleep. Like, I'm not sleeping, just my leg falls asleep. And then Freddy Krueger starts fucking my leg up. I'm not sleeping so I can't save it, but I can't wake my leg up because, well, you know how hard it is to wake up your leg when it falls asleep.

MR. WIZARD: Wow. That's some messed-up shit. We should go for a walk and get the blood circulating then, right?

BRYAN: (coughing) Yeah. I don't want nightmare legs.


(Scene opens with Mr. Wizard standing in the DEN. Mary, Terry, Bobby, Victoria, and Phillip are seated on the floor)

MR. WIZARD: Okay, now who in here believes in Jesus?


BOBBY: I do!

PHILLIP: Me too!

MR. WIZARD: You're all three fucking idiots. Get out of my house and never return.

Thanks to Ian at Fused Muse For Creative Manipulations that Beggar Belief!

– Joshua "Thunderbeard" Pugh

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

About this series

Mr. Wizard had various science-based educational TV shows between 1951-1990. What he didn't have, however, was a sense of what boundaries shouldn't be crossed. Herein lie the transcripts of his unaired segments.

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2021 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful