Today's contentious political atmosphere has come to be defined more by the acrimony between the political parties than by the achievements of either party. Campaigns and attack ads are out of control with accusations, rumors, and slander. Dark money groups have further poisoned the discourse, creating a swirling cesspool of animosity that is threatening to drag our great nation down into the toilet.

But if you honor me by electing me, I pledge to reach across the aisle to my political opponents even though they said that I have a cellar under my house where I keep several children tied up and said in a radio advertisement that I work with MS-13 to murder and rape people.

Comity is crucial to cooperation and I intend to work closely with the people who said I am an agent of the Muslim Brotherhood and that I personally murdered Seth Rich with the help of MS-13 sicarios on behalf of the Clintons. We need to stop fighting and get the people's work done and I can do this by finding common ground with the folks who said I am an agent of the deep state, that my election would be a silent coup, and that I belong in jail or hanged for treason. It's time we put aside such petty differences and meet each other half way.

There is no area where I cannot compromise my core values in the face of screaming maniacs in order to achieve something meaningless.

The Military - I will give the military a blank check for rampant, pointless wars and militarism in exchange for the vague agreement that trans soldiers will not be thrown out of a helicopter for using the "wrong" bathroom. When they are thrown out of a helicopter anyway I will be very concerned. Civility is important here. No shouting about this.

The Economy - I will support more tax cuts for people making over $250,000 a year, lower capital gains tax, and an end to the estate tax if it means we can talk about getting the tax credit back for people who are paralyzed and in need of 24/7 nursing care. They can't get the tax credit back, just like they will never walk again, but I can get a promise from my opponents to talk about it in a closed door committee meeting where their callous disinterest in the happiness and well-being of their constituents will be known only to me.

Health Care - I can see my way to supporting my opponent's proposal to transform national healthcare into the doctor lottery where you buy tickets and hope to win a chance to see a doctor. In exchange, I will ask them to hang me by my ankles instead of my neck for treason.

Immigration - There is no way I can ever support the "illegal immigrant juicer" that my opponent says must be installed along the border with Mexico, but I am willing to build more tent cities where confiscated illegal immigrant children can be auctioned off to weird foster parents banging at the gates like zombies.

Free and Fair Elections - Although I oppose it, I would be willing to support the DNA testing for access to the polls as long as my opponent will consider addressing the issue of the belligerent guys with AR-15s and wearing hockey masks they plan to post at every polling station as "election watchers." I would like to think we can all agree that they do not need high capacity drum magazines to prevent voter fraud. Sensible gun legislation for the masked poll watchers will reduce the number of mass shootings of voters.

If elected, I intend to agree where I can with my opponents who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter like the trans soldiers and disagree with them without being disagreeable. We're all Americans after all, unless they revoke my passport and citizenship for having a library card. In which case I will be happy to lodge my concerns at the camp where I am assigned for reeducation until I am ready for my helicopter ride.

– The Resistance Candidate (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful