Subway Rewards Loyal Customers and Punishes Those Who Betray Us

We gave you the Flatizza. The $6 Summer Footlongs. More bread choices. More meat objects. We didn't expect your thanks, just your loyalty. We have spoiled you, so why did we see you coming out of that Hardee's? Who even eats at a Hardee's?

The Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt contains more cholesterol than an entire Chimpanzee brain. We've tested them.You, apparently. The person we entrusted with a customer loyalty card all those months ago. We thought you wanted a free sub every ten subs. That you would work with us to build this bridge of trust. That's ten percent off on our subs. But it is disgraceful how long you are taking to earn that free sub.

No. Sit down. You do have to listen to me. If you had carefully read the back of your card you will see that we reserve full right to seek retribution for those who are not loyal to Subway. For those who refuse to eat fresh. When you took that card you were agreeing to an oath to be loyal to the brand. It's up to me to decide how to deal with you now.

Have you tried a Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt? It's our sandwich with macaroni and cheese on it. None of my sandwich artists would ever eat something like that, but I have it on good authority that its taste and texture bears a striking resemblance to a sebaceous tumor. On our freshly baked bread, of course. We can force it down your gagging throat with our boot like stepping on an overflowing trashcan.

Ah, but that's a bit brutish, perhaps. According to our records, you enjoyed a Black Forest Ham sub on our Italian Herb & Cheese bread. A good choice. Have you ever been to the Black Forest where we get our ham?

Respect the brand. Prove your loyalty.They say the agony of the animals turned the forest black. Our slaughter artists are very skilled at creating a suffering so palpable you can feel it from the sky in an airplane flying overhead. It's located in Wyoming. All of our facilities are located there. The Trials of the Nine Grains. The machine that pulls pork. Screaming pork. Falling off the bone. And no one for miles to tell Subway how to run its brand.

Perhaps you would like to go. That would prove your loyalty.

No. Not for you. I think for you, the only fitting punishment is a quest.

According to our records you have not ever eaten breakfast at a Subway. It's almost as if our excellent breakfast menu did not exist. I think it is time for you to familiarize yourself.

Each morning, for the next ten days, you will eat a footlong flatbread from the breakfast menu. You may choose which you eat. They all look like diapers stuffed with eggs, but they will taste like loyalty.

Rebuild this bridge with Subway. Prove that you are worthy of your loyalty card.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)