Society of Amateur Time Travelers Historical Updates for 9 May

This article is part of the Society of Amateur Time Travelers series.

Hark, you! The Society of Amateur Time Travelers not only observes every ripple in the flow of time, we correct any unnatural ones caused by accidents or unscrupulous time marauders. We seek to preserve the timeline for all, while unraveling its most closely guarded secrets through covert observation.

Before you is today's activity log tracking all temporal alterations made yesterday. Society members should check this log before departing the present, for history is always changing.

• Society member Shawn successfully recovered the American sports almanac he lost in 2100 BC Mesopotamia before any damage could be done.
• Society member Rodney is on probation following a multi-millennium-long vandalism spree. He managed to add the word "cum" to thousands of monuments and important manuscripts around the world.
• Society member Herold caused a time loop that resulted in an endless NPR pledge drive. The source of the loop has been eliminated and the pledge drive should come to a natural conclusion in about three years.
• The Alamo "Double Forfeit" blunder should be erased from history now. Society members Greg and Jerry scared off Mexican and Texan forces alike with some RC helicopters, leaving the Alamo abandoned. They've retroactively gone back in time to tell themselves not to go back further in time and do that ever again.
• R.I.P.: Society member Terry was killed by his younger self, who was much fitter and owned a katana, when he went back in time and tried to take his old anime DVDs.
• Fixed an error where John F. Kennedy avoided assassination. Society member Ryan had an asthma fit while observing Lee Harvey Oswald, distracting him and causing him to miss the pivotal shot.
• R.I.P.: Society member Kevin was killed by cavemen again, but this time he came closer to getting his wallet back. His younger self is going to try again tomorrow.
• A disaster was averted when Society member Russ was able to intercept society members Mark and Jared and confiscate their anachronistic flame shirts before they embarked on their tour of Colonial America.
• Society member Levi accidentally plunged the world into a technological dark age after he melted the ENIAC while overclocking it to run Quake. Society member Doug was able to undo the damage.
• R.I.P.: Society member Stan was killed by a Apatosaurus that sat on him during a routine survey mission of the Jurassic Period.
• An obscure passage in the Constitution declaring Chad's step dad Roger an enemy of America has been removed and Chad has been reminded not to alter historic texts or bother James Madison.
• Society member Ajay is recovering from a moose bite he received while attempting to secretly observe famed astronomer Tycho Brahe.
• Society member Ralph accidentally inspired countless ancient statues, now incorrectly believed to be fertility idols by archaeologists. The statues were made after Ralph forgot to remove his time helmet before taking a bath. Water got into the circuitry and he began skipping around time and space erratically while very naked and very confused.
• Brian attempted to quit the Society in shame after a series of disastrous missteps led to Nazi Germany beating America to the Louisiana Purchase. Those actions have since been redacted from history, along with Brian's resignation.
• That maniac Leonardo di Vinci was prevented from conquering Renaissance Italy with his attack helicopter again, thanks in part to Society member Steve.
• Please welcome new Society member Darrel. Darrel is a high school graduate with a couple college credits under his belt. He comes to us with glowing recommendations from the fansub community, and is eager to explore Japanese history firsthand.
• R.I.P.: Society member Darrel, tragically decapitated to death by a samurai in Feudal Japan.
• Society Elders pooled their talents to finally erase the stubborn "Tesla's Infinite Money Machine" deviation from history.
• Society member Glen was able to recover Society member Ron's severed head, which was being used as a football by Aztec warriors. Ron's younger self has decided to cremate his future severed head out of respect for his future self.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)