Graduate School Statement of Purpose
After conquering everything around him, Volggrimr the Warrior King applies to graduate school to become a Master of History.
Crushed Dreams 1: Sega Saturn
All I ever wanted was to play with a Sega Saturn. But since I was poor, I knew it would never happen. Then one day Alyxander, the richest kid in the fourth grade, gave me an opportunity. I followed him into madness only to watch him literally crush my dream. No one should be subjected to what I’ve seen.
The Pube Collective
As I pissed into the urinal, I gazed at the largest public collection of pubic hair in the country. It was, for a brief moment, spellbinding, almost, in fact, beautiful. But who piled so many strands? And why?
Cleaning Up After Your Dog and Other Acts of Cowardice
I know you probably think that if you were in a war, you would do something brave like jump on a grenade, and I don’t want to ruin your imagination, but how do you expect to do something that powerful when your cowardice permeates your every move? Maybe you should try following these tips.
Keith's Wool Tie Emporium (Part 5)
Keith's Emporium is open with the newest style in wool ties
This Is Why People Hate You: Finger Drumming
What the hell are you doing? Drumming? No you aren't. You're just bashing your fat fingers against your steering wheel. Stop it. Stop it forever.
Due or Die. Choose Your Own Adventure for the College Freshman
Work or Party? The Ultimate Bro Dilemma. Now it’s your turn to decide in this nail biting epic.
Phoenix University Labor Day Kegger
Nontraditional parties for nontraditional students. That’s our motto, and we live it to the extreme. So, why don’t you put your kids to sleep, close up those textbooks you’re reading for a managerial warehouse position, and start wildnout.
Understanding Healthcare FOR KIDS!
Hey kids! All the adults are talking about healthcare. Boring! Confusing! Blah! Well, this activity book will help you learn the basics of healthcare while you’re having a blast! Yippee!!!
International Tie Sale (Part 4)
Keith's latest tie venture from an unnamed mountain base.
No Graves Opened Without Permission Of The President
After a stint of unnecessary and unorthodox grave openings, the Sweet Memories Funeral Home and Graveyard of Arkansas posted the infamous sign, thereby creating the controversial “Justified Openings” Program.
The History of Neon Purple
Neon Purple. The Prussians used it to blind political prisoners, Queen Victoria used it as an enema, and you have a totally rad t-shirt. The highly radioactive color has a long history and a longer causality list, but it has allowed hipsters to wear totally ironic headbands, so it's pretty much a wash.
The Origin of Neon Colors
How is neon created? Why is it making a comeback? These are the questions they do not want you to ask. The brilliant sheen on your sneakers comes with a long and troubled history that is shrouded in secrecy. We have been quiet for too long. It is time to expose the repulsive origins of this inhumane color spectrum.
Follow Me, Son. For Treasure and Stuff Awaits Inside this Cavern.
Son, for this journey is dangerous, but the rewards are heavenly. Hold strong and keep your mind sharp, and we shall come across treasure you’ve never imagined. Perhaps if the exploration into the bowels of hell is a success, a new game for thy console is in order.
Graduation Activity Sheet
Graduation ceremonies are convoluted, pointless, and boring, and that’s just for the people getting diplomas. If you’re stuck in the audience, print out this handy activity sheet and try to have some fun. Good luck.
I hate to bother you, but I need money. Just listen to this one sentence, please
Listen, I know you’re busy, but I’m in need. Please, just listen to one sentence. That’s it. One sentence, and then you can go on your way.
Knights of Cakewalk Hall of Fame Inductees
Welcome to the 66th annual Knights of Cakewalk mid-Atlantic General Assembly Hall of Fame Inductions. For decades, we have masterfully won every cakewalk in Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, and New York (excluding Dover and NYC due to union regulations,) and today we recognize the best walkers our sport has ever offered.
Treasure Hole: or The Private and Explicit Photo-Album of Robert Louis Stevenson
Robert Louis Stevenson is responsible for some of the most memorable pieces of modern literature; however, it is his explicit photo album, “Treasure Hole,” that deserves the most attention. Hidden for over one hundred years, it has finally been exposed.
Here is Where Someone You Don't Know Died in His Civic
The roadside deathcross is the blog of remembrance—they are everywhere, they are unavoidable, and they are left by forgettable, stupid people in forgettable, stupid places
Keith's Tie Emporium Breakout Deals (Part 3)
Keith here. Can't talk. On the lamb. Buy a tie, please. I need money. Money and food. Please help.
Zak's Terrible Burger King Birthday
Zak hates clowns. He hates the way his mom spelled his name on the birth certificate and he hates Burger King. But you knew that the second you saw him.
Puberty 2.0
The embarrassment of being the first kid in middle school with armpit hair was so humiliating that my body has decided to try it again twelve years later. Great. Will the hero be able to handle even more hair on his already covered body? Short Answer: No.
The Instinctual and Animalistic Defensive Phases of Cornelius Griffith
Cornelius Griffith. A seemingly normal gentleman, but, in reality, he is one of the most unusual men in the world. His fighting abilities have been studied by every scientist and pugilist from here to Prussia. A truly gifted man. Here are the phases of his defense as he meets a hoodlum in a dark alley.
Keith's Tie Emporium: Big Sale! (Part 2)
Those social worker thieves and my no-good son are out to get me and my ties. Come buy a piece of tie history before it's too late.
Cleaning House: Bedbugs
Getting rid of bedbugs is one of the hardest things in the world. Hell, it’s almost as hard as…heh…*points at pants* Hopefully, this simple walkthrough will help you turn your infested filth pit back into your stinky filth pit.
