Dr. Thorpenstein: This is the rare cat costume photo where the cat is comfortable with it but I'm COMPLETELY not.

Zackula: I'm imagining what that skirt is going to look like the first time the cat drags it through a litter box.

Dr. Thorpenstein: I'll admit that this is a provocative costume, but that's a pretty weird sexual fantasy to be having right now.

Zackula: Don't kink shame me, Thorpe. I have been looking at pictures of cats in frog hats for twenty years now. My tastes have just matured.

Dr. Thorpenstein: I think cats would actually be naturals to hang out in Jabba's palace for two reasons: a) if a cat saw a huge horrible slimy slug creature, it would probably walk up and start licking it; b) to a cat, every object is a Pleasure Barge.

Zackula: They would totally leave Salacious Crumb's lifeless body on your porch.

Dr. Thorpenstein: They would also relate to the Sarlacc Pit pretty well, since they both have extremely complicated digestive systems that seem almost intentionally designed to torture mankind.

Zackula: Yeah, it drives me crazy whenever I hear my cat up on the table eating a bounty hunter. I know he's going to puke him up two minutes later because they can't digest Mandalorians.

Dr. Thorpenstein: The funniest thing about this costume is the description: "It is easy to put on and take off as it has two velcro straps that go under your cat's belly and chest."

Zackula: Written by someone who has never tried to put a strap around any part of a cat.

Dr. Thorpenstein: The description could say "all you have to do is touch this against the back of your cat's neck for a quarter of a second" and it STILL wouldn't sound even remotely easy.

Zackula: "Wrap tab A around cat and attach to tab B and then wake up from the dream you must be having because this is impossible in real life."

Dr. Thorpenstein: Cats have an innate sense of human intent. If you have any kind of plan regarding your cat, no matter how simple or painless or quick, your cat will know about this plan in advance and instantly start doing everything in its power to thwart it.

Zackula: Also this costume would probably sell more if they had picked a cat with bigger tits.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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