Zack: This woman brought to you by the Unreal engine. She looks surprised because she's just spotted a Nali fruit

Lowtax: It looks like one of those wooden cutouts where people at the beach stick their head and hands through the holes and then their idiot friends take pictures of them. "PRETEND YOU'RE THE WOOL LADY! FREE PICTURES! FUDGE AND FUNNEL CAKES AVAILABLE ON THE BOARDWALK!"

Zack: They cropped the picture so you can't see the muscle man wearing an ankle-length cardigan cutout.

Lowtax: The amazing thing is that the pattern of the outfit retains itself despite the folds and cut of the arms. All the black Xs link to each other in a flawless river of wool and cotton. She's entered the dimension of eternal cardigan.

Zack: Where every knit map is overflowing with treasure!

Lowtax: "Tee hee! Did I enter the dimension of eternal cardigan? Oh my! My goodness gracious me! I'd better gently prop up my head with my thinkin' hand!"

Zack: That brass ring on her sleeve makes the thinkin' hand look prosthetic. "Oh, better take off my knittin' hand that made this beautiful sweater X and attach my thinkin' hand."

Lowtax: Her whole body looks prosthetic. It's the scarf and shirt that contain all the major functionality. The rest of her body is hot swappable.

Zack: I would agree but I somehow think that her dense bowl of hair may incorporate her sensory organs. If she swapped that head with one with a ponytail she'd be walking into walls and falling in pits because it would rob her of her echolocation.

Lowtax: No way, that hair is a collection of synthetic polymers created to offer maximum protection in the war zone on the prison planet. If you look closely, you can see a jacket made out of tiny handcuffs underneath that giant blue wool sock that is consuming her.

Zack: So what you're saying is that the prison planet is overrun with orcs?

Lowtax: Her bracelet shows she has the upgraded model, the gold one, which offers a +5 resistance to the Nali.

Zack: Man, I thought Oz was bad. If you make enough license plates on the prison planet do you get to level up?

Lowtax: You get a new body to place your hands and head on.

Zack: But then you'll have to make all new equipment out of carved soap and fixtures you strip from the beds.

Lowtax: Well it's not like she's gonna need them for anything else. Look at that crap she's wearing, that would break a shiv in two if some crazy white supremacist were to attack her for being a member of the genetically inferior tan race.

Zack: We're all pink on the inside, baby. Except for her. She's full of circuit boards and moths.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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