Im not even fuckin around here this is some serious shit this time.What the fuck is up bitches!???!?

Levi Johnston back in your shit, in full FX yall. Things have totally flipped upside down since last week so let me just give you the rundown on all this crazy shit.

First up, I got high as fuck last week and Willow fuckin called me at like 2 AM from New York or some shit and I was like "talk me through while I rub one out" and she was all "its like 5 oclock here what are you crazy." Damn girl I saw you on the TV and your ass looked fine, but she was all road blockin my shit. Anyway, word somehow got back to Bristol and of course she goes crazy over it because of pregnant hormones. Im not pointin any fingers but I suspect carol fiorina that dumbass because bitch got sent to the minor leagues for being a jackoff and now she hates mrs. palin.

So me an bristol have a fight, but it turns out good because we make up and she is totally gettin ready to give me a BJ when the friggin security guys knock on the door. We had some visitor from all those Maclain lawyers that are up here for something about the troops or something, I don't know I was lit when they told me the first time. Anyway this guy named Ambramowitz or some stupid shit tells me that because of the election suckin a huge dick and the polls suckin even bigger dicks I gotta marry Bristol like just about right away.

bristol and trips at some republican shitIm like "no fuck that dude I am Levi fuckin Johnston this bird was born free! now get the fuck out before I put you through that plate glass" and he gulped like I was gonna throw his ass through the door onto the deck. I bet he was shittin huge dooks, but downside was Bristol started cryin and was all I thought you loved me Levi like I love you FUUUUUUUUCK

I cant deal with that shit, ya know? I fuckin lock up when bitches start really cryin and I'm huggin her and then I reach for her titty, ya know, just a little to feel the side or somethin because I was bored and shes like YOU DONT LOVE ME!!!! WHAT THE FUCK? I dont love you bitch? Whos idea was it to see if theres a special class to put twang in so he stop bein so fuckin stupid. Whos idea was it to get those matchin keepsake glass beer mugs with our faces lasered into that shit? That shit is bad ass dont try to take credit for that shit.

Don't love you? Pshh, great work detective sherlock thats why im sleepin on Bodies couch listenin to him fight with Rianna. I calmed Bristol down though got her to chill out and do some jager shots and then she started pukin and I was like "does this mean I dont get that BJ?"

Of course not. Of course not. Guess who always comes last? Me. My feelins. I've got shit too, right? Issues and shit. I need BJs.

So like then that Ambramowitz guy comes back and hes like "yo, Levi, you want a new motocross bike" and im like shit yea I wrecked my last one passin out on a frozen lake and drove it into a fuckin boat dock. Lucky I fell off and slid onto the rocks because I didnt even wake up and the shit caught fire and melted through the lake. Coulda been me on that shit. Thank god every day for that shit.

I aint gonna lie bro shaine might be pregnant tooAmbramowitz is like "all you gotta do is marry Britsol before the end of October and I can get you a motocross bike, snow machine, four wheelers and whatever" I was like, fuck it, if he's just throwin shit out there get me some singles for shaine and jasmine to double dance at alaskan bush company, free wings for life from wings & things, some new skates, you know, shit I need for the baby.

Dude was like "sure whatever Levi you the fuckin pimp daddy its yours" so the next day he shows up with just about everythin I asked for includin this laminated card that gets me free wings for a million years. I already used that shit like six times. Dude said its comin from some black account and dont worry or whatever the government is payin.

Oh, yeah, the other shit that is messed up is the debate shit. I almost forgot about that shit because I been doin wheelies down 5th street with jasmine on the back with her titties all out. I made that shit rain it was crazy. They gave me a special ATM card with the CIA symbol on it and I just put that shit in the ATM at great alaskan bush and out comes like 600 singles and its on.

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About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

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