A woman named Lanny was one of the first to email me and she was definitely the first to treat me to a vague physical threat. It was slightly more interesting than the guy who emailed me four times asking to meet me and fight me.
 From: hoosiermomTo: zackparsons@somethingawful.com Subject: moonbats will reap what they sow This is the most horrible article I have read yet from you commie thugs. It disgusts me and it makes me laugh. Just keep spewing the vile hatred and you will reap what you sow. I'm a mother of three and if you said even half the things about my boys that you said about Trig and Bristol then you wouldn't be able to hold me back. I dare you to say something bad about them. My husband is a cop and he will find you and you will wish all he did was arrest you. Lanny |
That reminds me of an old joke: what's worse than a cop? Nothing. Nothing is worse than a policeman. Not even vampires. They are the worst.
 From: zackparsons@somethingawful.comTo: hoosiermom Subject: Re: moonbats will reap what they sow Lanny, your children speak with reedy voices in tongues unknown to human vocabulary. Their translucent jar-shaped bodies disgust doctors and men of science. Their spore contaminates the water you drink. Their eyes are hollow, like the body of a drum reverberating with the tattoo of a fleshy jungle. Their quivering mouth-parts draw in birds that are gulped still-struggling into digestive cavities. Your children are soulless, unnatural things that will regenerate two bodies if split in half. I curse them and you: return to whatever primordial nightmare ooze birthed you half-formed into this realm. Zack |
I would say I'm waiting for her husband to come beat the shit out of me, but at this rate I expect a cop to beat me nearly to death in the next year anyway. Whether it's Lanny's beau or someone else is really irrelevant.
This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Let's improve landmarks
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
About This Column
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Previous Articles
- The Song of Griffey
- Welcome to the DynaMars Corporation Cycnus Station Update Kiosk
- Attention Media: I Was Wrong About Twitter
- Making Yum Yums
- Something Awful Apologizes for Making Sarah Palin Resign