1The Inverted Condor
This old timey classic is back with a vengeance after Conroy Manchester used it to close out his Raptorama 2007 set. Fans were so delighted with his unique take that many rushed home to try it out. Spoke Manchester, "I just wanted to pay tribute to my roots. The Inverted Condor was the first stunt I saw as a boy and the reason I am the man I am today."
2The Razzle-dazzle
Fans were dazzled beyond measure when Garrison Bell and his Red Kite performed this stunt for no less than 30 minutes. They kept the crowd's attention through every swoop, barrel roll, flutter, sputter, and spiral. "The performance of the year, no doubt about it," raved Eddie Freeborn, host of XM Radio's FalconWire. "Every falconer from Alabama to Arabia is going to be trying to duplicate Garrison Bell's work, and miss the mark by miles."
3The Cornishman's Fancy
Crowds at the Puyallup Fair in Washington State got a rare treat when renegade falconer Professor Hawk made a surprise appearance. Despite being on the run from authorities and lacking a valid falconry license, he jumped on stage and released his trusty companion Infinitum to perform an outstanding rendition of the Cornishman's Fancy. Crowds chanted for an encore as Professor Hawk and Infinitum made their getaway. Although NAFA condemned the performance, that didn't stop the stunt from taking flight with fans.
4Da Birdie's Cadillac
Pussyfeathers Calhoun marked his return to the game with this wild stunt, involving his new sea eagle Apollo and a moving Cadillac, which he bought as a gift for the bird. "This is about the next level," said Calhoun in an interview featured in the October issue of FALC. "We was on the first level with my last bird, but she succumbed to her vices and we miss her. But we movin' on now. Now we going to the next level, and we taking the whole world with us."
5Positronic Supersonic
Euro falconry duo Supermass reported record ticket sales for their UltraFlight tour, thanks in part to the popular "Positronic Supersonic" stunt, which sees their twin falcons repeating the same flight pattern for 80 minutes. Although fans were satisfied, many critics slammed its repetitive nature and lack of originality. Time Magazine critic Alton Burroughs noted its uncanny resemblance to the 1970's stunt Soaring Sally, a popular invention of the late Bruce "Wildfeather" Tyson.
6The Whole Sydeshow
Bay Area street falconer Kidd Sqak made quite the commotion when he unveiled his latest stunt to an excited crowd. His longwing Fizzle executed what can only be described as a drunken Panama Root Canal before passing out in a pool of its own expectoration. As fans cheered, Kidd Sqak seized the moment to further his feud with Pussyfeathers Calhoun. "Ya'll bird is dead and mine is faaaalyin'!" boasted the underground falconer, clad in his leopard-skinned gauntlets.
7The Joy Buzzard
Controversy carried this stunt to positive gains following yet another drunken incident involving its creator, Carlyle Mack. This time the boisterous birdman got into an altercation with famed lariateur Cowboy Carl outside a New Hampshire Denny's. The two traded insults that quickly escalated into an all out-brawl that saw Mack's Great Horned Owl coming perilously close to getting lassoed. Spectators were able to calm the two men down enough to prevent any injuries. Mack later told FALC, "He can go off and twirl his string all he wants. I'm too busy playing with my bird of prey to care."
8The Camel and the Eye of the Needle
The Middle East's most famous export received renewed interest when upstart falconer Carter Davis used it to secure victory on NBC's America's Got Talon. After wowing audiences and capturing hearts across the nation, the stunt is on fire with traders.
9Death From Above
Otto Vetch excited crowds from the second stage at Raptorn '07, when he and Styrkar, his Eurasian Hobby, performed Death From Above flawlessly. Many female fans were moved to throw their panties on stage, which were promptly retrieved by Styrkar and given to the hard-living falconer. A subsequent YouTube video of the performance spread like wildfire and promoted strong gains.
10The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln+1.24
Educational falconer Ken Mayhaven has been touring the country using his two raptors to reenact Abraham Lincoln's assassination. After PBS gave the stunt its first television audience, many falconers have been teaming up to recreate it. Mayhaven is pleased with the interest, and even offered some advice to falconers on his blog. "I have to alternate the roles of the raptors. If one has to play the part of John Wilkes Booth too often, it affects his personality negatively." Mayhaven added, "I just want people to know about this historic event that changed America forever."
More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful