This article is part of the The Great American Reach Around series.
Missouri has the exciting distinction of being the only state in the Midwest to have joined the Confederacy during the American Civil War. Actually, it's even worse: Missouri tried to join the Confederacy and they failed. Even the Confederacy did not want them.
Missouri has all of the natural splendor of a limestone quarry combined with the economic opportunities and culture of a strip mall. To drive through Missouri is to see America at its worst, a mash of the fundamentalism of the South bereft of its history and beauty with the rampant consumerism of the North without anything good to consume. It's the birthplace of Mark Twain, but he hated it so much that he died.
Let us slump into...
St. Louis, Missouri
I will now end the American portion of this week's GARA by giving you one or two sentence descriptions of the remaining Midwestern States. I do this with all due respect and affection.
Iowa - Take the middle of Illinois and spread it across an entire state, add more corn. Tied with Ohio for most efficient letter-to-syllable ratio.
Nebraska - Probably more of a Great Plains State, looked better when the Germans were driving panzers through it on their way to Moscow.
North and South Dakota - Frozen wasteland and wasted farm land, Democrat and Republican. South Dakota is home to Mount Rushmore and North Dakota is home to the giant Paul Bunyan from Fargo.
Kansas - Missouri's friendly twin. Good-hearted rednecks playing baseball and dreaming of the big city.
That's it for the filthy Americans, so let's see what the filthy foreigners have to offer!
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful