Your Local Brewery's Five New Beers

Try Our Triple IPA!

Our IPA mastery has reached a new high this holiday season. By pushing once unimaginable levels of unappealing bitterness, this new IPA managed to be marginally stronger than the other 16 IPAs we already have on tap. While it's only a rumor that we replaced most of the active ingredients with undiluted hydrogen peroxide, the results are the same: This triple IPA is bitterer than Hillary supporters. Topical! Each sip is like swallowing a mouthful of those smashed pennies commemorating some tourist trap. It's like brushing your teach until your gums bleed while simultaneously chugging a gallon of orange juice&in a good way! Chemically speaking, it might be identical to that stuff we use to clean the grout in the bathroom. Seriously, if you can imagine puking in reverse it's pretty close to that. Like, instead of a coppery bile jettison of vomit shooting out your mouth hole, you enjoy sipping it down. We're dedicated to giving you what you want, so for the rest of the night you'll have a burning, sour high water mark within your esophagus to remind you of this great new beer. So if you've ever wanted the liquid equivalent of a tetanus shot then your wait is finally over.

Try Our Cider!

The perfect sickeningly uber-sweet saccharine beverage for the cool autumn weather. The color is a complex amber that resembles the scabs that develop after you try a little too hard to pop a zit. Made with local apples, this drink guarantees to give you an artisanal headache in about ten minutes. We aren't supporting giving booze to kids, but the new cider might be the closest you will ever come to getting drunk on Runtz.

Try Our Miller Lite (in a green can!)

It's Miller Lite, but now with a timely packaging campaign!

Try Our (?)Sour(?)!

No one really knows what a sour is, but this new beer seems to have the consistency of bone marrow and the taste of a banana Laffy Taffy. Though based on an ancient friar's recipe, this sour was brewed by us, and we have, at best, minimal reading comprehension. Yes, we have flannel shirts that cover gross tattoos. Yes, we have a beard long enough to touch the flannel shirt. No, we have no idea what we're doing. Don't let the window dressing fool you, people. We're pretty much copy+pasting from the seven other local breweries at this point. So is this beer or just a glass of soggy leaves? We can't know for sure, but the end result is a sour that's been glowingly compared to suffering acute sepsis. Excellent drink for you to begrudgingly nurse for a few hours.

Try Our Christmas Brew!

By doubling down on the Pumpkin Spice trend, this is the perfect beer for anyone who is a big fan of urinal cakes. We really tried to capture the holiday spirit with the sheer quantity of spice dumped into each keg. And we didn't limit ourselves to boring dashes of clove or nutmeg. We went all the way, fermenting pounds of mur, coriander, and, like, whatever they used in ancient times to treat festering wounds. There are so many spices in this thing that it will feel like you're pissing out sand. But what about the taste? The first sip fills your mouth with the sensation of a magazine perfume ad being rubbed against your tonsils followed by a lingering taste that successfully mimics the pleasure of chugging liquid potpourri. Of course, by this time your tongue has swollen up so much you can't taste anything, so head on outside and eat some overpriced hotdog from our foodtruck.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)