Jelly-Filled Humility And the History of Mankind
I threw my back out while eating a donut yesterday.
Yes, you read that correctly. I was standing around my kitchen, eating a rasberry-filled glazed donut that I bought from one of the ninety million Vietnamese-owned donut shops in Costa Mesa, when suddenly I got this incredible pain in my lower back. I don't know where the hell it came from or why it decided to manifest itself yesterday morning, but who am I to question the miracle of burning, throbbing pain? The moment it hit, I did the only thing I've been trained to do upon experiencing the slightest discomfort: I dropped to the ground and began whining and shrieking like a schoolgirl at an NSYNC concert.
ME: (Laying on the kitchen's linoleum floor in a mass of twisted appendages and clothing covered with cat hair) "Aaaaaaggggh. Aaaaaaaaaah. Aaaaaggghhhaaaggggh."
At this point Spaz, my ever-faithful cat, decided to come by and survey the scene. Nothing attracts cats faster than the wailings of humans experiencing pain and misery, so Spaz was there in nanoseconds. I realized that since I live alone, he was my only hope. I had to act fast.
ME: (Attempting to move my right arm so I can at least push the donut off my chest) "Spaz! Quick boy, dial 911! We've got a man down, I repeat, a man down!"
Spaz just continued to stare at me and give the infamous "my owner is a flaming jackass" look that all cats give before slinking away to hide under the couch for the next eight days. He began to lose interest and walk away, so I came up with an ingenious idea to buy me some more time: I faked even more pain, ensuring that he would stick around just to watch me writhe in agony a bit longer.
ME: "Spaz! For the love of everything good and holy, please inform the neighbors of my tragic accident! I need a team of surgeons up here, ASAP! I don't know how much longer I can hold out!"
He creeped up to my face, looked into my eyes, and immediately began to start pushing my cheeks around with his front paws. This was borderline amusing for the first two seconds, up until the point where his claws came out and he was essentially digging gaping holes in my skull.
ME: "AAAGHH! What the hell are you doing, you idiot cat?!?" (shouting) "LOVE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HURT!!!"
At that point Spaz ran off to lurk in another room because I assume he had his fill of human suffering for the day. I screamed for him to at least update my webpage, letting my readers know that I had died, but he didn't bother. Cats are just about worthless as far as pets go.
Although I accidentally went off on a tangent illustrating how cats long to see the day when the entire human race is crushed beneath a bunch of giant comical alien boots, my main point was supposed to revolve around the magic and wonder of the human body and its ability to adapt to its surroundings and environment. I don't know how the hell I ended up going on about my cat for roughly thirteen pages. What does mankind adapting and evolving have to do with me suffering a near-fatal injury while eating a donut? Simple: my body has evolved and adapted to my environment, creating new and exciting ways for me to be injured while performing the mundane, everyday events that make up my life. Mankind has a long and glorious history of adapting to their surroundings, which I will attempt to recall from my vague memory of Junior High School science classes.
A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME AND MANKIND'S EVOLUTION
BY RICH "LOWTAX" KYANKA, AGE 24
100,000,000,000 years ago - Mankind was simply an atom. Back then, everything was an atom. For example, there was the tree atom, the building atom, and the human atom. They were produced from what scientists call "The Big Bang", or what other scientists refer to as "We Don't Know What Happened." This is (of course) ignoring the religious belief that God created human beings and put them on Earth, which is simply ludicrous. I mean, God can't even get those whiny preachers on the 700 Club to shut up for nine minutes, how the hell is he going to just create an ENTIRE human being and put him on the Earth?
99,999,999,999 years ago through the Paleolozenge Age - Mankind existed with dinosaurs, really weird fish, and lots of volcanos. Eventually a huge comet hit the Earth, killing all the dinosaurs and covering the Earth with about as much pollution as downtown Los Angeles. Mankind had to adapt to this environment in order to survive. Some humans tried to live underwater but they didn't adapt fast enough and they ended up drowning. Other humans attempted to adapt back into atoms, but back then they were too stupid to realize that evolving is a one-way street and there's no "take backs." I guess some learned to survive, because I'm fairly sure I'm alive and typing on my computer right now, which is all the proof I need.
The Paleolozenge Age through the Trifecta Age - The Earth became covered with ice, forcing humans to band together and hunt woolly mammoths, which I guess survived too. Once again humans adapt to their environment and display the "can do" attitude which has made America the world's leader in pork exports.
Trifecta Age through 1 AD - Fairly uneventful period of time, except for the few years before 1 AD when Jesus was running around, causing plagues to befall certain minority groups and randomly smiting people. Human beings had to adapt to many stressful things during this period including:Pillars of Flames
Seas that would part on command
Swarms of locusts, frogs, blood, and frogs riding on large locusts
Turning into salt by looking at "the wrong city"
Basically if you were anywhere even NEAR Jesus at that time, you were just itching for trouble. It was like a new calamity every day with that guy, and it's truly a miracle that anybody was able to survive that period of time.
2 AD through 1000 AD - Mankind evolved into pirates, vikings, and European sissies who wore wigs. Actually, I think the wig-wearing came later. Also, the people in South America invented practically everything useful, like the concept of time and the color green and probably the airplane.
1001 AD through 1500 AD - Mankind evolved into the Japanese and some European sissy religious nutballs. John Cabot discovered Newfoundland in 1497, which led to the discovery of Canada around 1983.1501 AD through present - Not much evolution here, just a lot of wars and events like the Cuban Missile Crisis and the Boston Marathon, which took place in Cuba and Boston. Respectively. A few atoms evolved into Radio Shack robots, the electric chair, and the Playstation2. Some rogue portions of mankind evolved into Americans, who then invented the pickup truck, gun rack, and Chia pet.
So, as you can plainly see, mankind has evolved greatly since we were tiny particles floating around the universe with table, ceiling, and toothpaste atoms. It should not surprise anybody that I, like everybody else, am continuing to evolve and adapt to my environment. You see, back when I ran cross country and actually worked out, my body was continuously looking for new ways to be injured. Twisted ankles, pulled muscles, broken foot... it would try anything to inflict pain upon me. However, things have changed a lot since my "fit and trim" highschool days. Once I entered college, I learned that there are more important and meaningful things in life that outweigh running down a busy street for 50 minutes a day. For example, there's beer. And there's frozen pizza. And there's White Russians. My body began to adapt to my new diet and everything was aces for a while. Unfortunately, my body was missing something crucial, something that I couldn't experience by failing to leave my house for weeks on end; physical injuries. Soon my body adapted to that, and now I find myself throwing out major muscle systems when I attempt to eat a donut. So I guess the human body isn't really that magical and wonderful after all. In fact, I now despise the human body. Just like my cat.
Movie Review! Movie Review!
I have taken the opportunity to review another festering pile of organic movie waste matter and pass the savings onto you, the consumer!Yes, we've got another star-spangled movie review for you to feast your bloodshot eyes on. Prepare yourself for...
"REAL SOULJA", PROUDLY FEATURING:
DRUG DEALING BLACK GUYS!
BUTT-UGLY WHITE WOMEN!
UNAPPEALING ITALIAN HEROES!
BARRELS! SHITLOADS OF BARRELS! EVERYWHERE! BARRELS!
Note that the title is called "Real Soulja", which could indeed be considered "hip" or "dope." This is because the video rights were picked up by African American-oriented distribution firm "Mack Video", a company which buys just about any shitty action film that was made in the 70's or 80's and featured a black guy who had at least four seconds of camera time, and then resells them claiming it's based around the black guy. Heck, it doesn't even matter if the film reinforces negative stereotypes of black men... in "Real Soulja", the only black guy is evil and sells drugs and guns.
As bad as that sounds, believe me, the movie is even worse. Check out the review and decide for yourself... and prepare to be shocked when you learn a very special character from Something Awful is featured in it!
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