Crisis at the North Pole
The 17-century battle between Santa Claus and Satan reaches an unfortunate peak.
Super Sloppy CIA Torture
One CIA operative finds fault with his colleague's whimsical version of enhanced interrogation.
The Darren Wilson Injury Report
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.
The Simpsons to Crossover with the Older, Better Simpsons
After nearly 25 years on the air, and recent pairings with Family Guy and Futurama, The Simpsons are getting ready to crossover with an unlikely group: themselves.
#CatGate: The Search for Ethics in Cat Journalism
This isn't about harassment. It's about ethics in cat journalism.
A Message from Your Local Halloween Superstore Proprietor
The hermit crab of retail shares his business secrets.
Dear Family: I'm Actually Dead
A broadcasting legend pleads with the world of the living.
Hands Off My Wand, Obama
One wizard thinks our President's magic control initiatives have gone too far.
Why Won't Anyone Hack My Phone?
One of Hollywood's greatest stars yearns for the day his body will be in demand.
Sorry Guys, But We're Going to Have to Send Back Those Flamethrowers
Ferguson's long arm of the law laments the latest cutback.
10 Weird Graverobbing Tricks You Can't Live Without
Helpful hints for your modern-day tomb raider.
10 Startling Differences Between "Standard" and "Premium" Editions of The Sims 4
The difference Sims 4 players will face if they're not willing to pay for a monthly subscription.
Dear Uber: You Call That a High-Speed Chase?
A car chase connoisseur weighs in on the latest Uber fiasco.
This Guy Gets PAID to Play Video Games for a Living!
Zip! Bleep! Blap! Video games aren't just for kids! And they're big bucks!
Your Cold, Dead Kids Can't Keep These Guns Out of my Warm Hands
Your favorite Average Joe pundit sounds off on gun control.
Additions to the Donald Sterling "Friendship Contract"
An inside look at the rules and regulations behind NBA arm candy.
Don't Make Me Turn This Cult Around
A wise leader admonishes his followers' lack of sticktoitiveness for mass suicide.
When Serial Killers Strike, Property Values Suffer
One man's struggle to save the housing market from unexpected murders.
Dining Etiquette Updates for 2014
Something Awful is proud to present updates to the unspoken code of conduct that separates the Burger Kings from the Burger Paupers.
The Conservative Media Review
How liberal Hollywood refuses to tell both sides of a story.
25 Other Incorrect Assumptions from Americans
The many facts Americans get wrong every minute of their stupid, stupid lives.
Greetings, America's Funniest Home Videos Screeners
Behind-the-scenes of your number one source for people-falling-into-cakes footage.
Now You Can Work from Anywhere
Who needs free will Now (that) You Can Work from Anywhere?
4 Consumables That Are Secretly Killing You
Dieting trends change by the minute, and today's juice fast can quickly transform into tomorrow's multiple heart attack and disrespectful roadside ditch burial. But while fads come and go, some things never change: namely, the so-called "staple foods" quickly sending you to an early and oversized grave.
