Jeffree "CUNT" Star
Defining Quote: "Picture Jeffree Star masturbating in a drop top Cadillac
Picture Jeffree Star tan and topless on a yacht
Picture Jeffree Star suckin on you like some candy
Picture Jeffree Star in your shirt and no panties
Picture Jeffree Star in the pool skinny dipping
Picture Jeffree Star in the 69 position
Picture Jeffree Star dancing on a stripper pole
Picture Jeffree Star in a Playboy centerfold"

Zack: Picture all that written in blood on a rusty door in Silent Hill.

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star crying in the shower because of what he's become.
Picture Jeffree Star struggling to convince himself that he has friends.
Picture Jeffree Star wondering what true love feels like.
Picture Jeffree Star putting on a ridiculous mask just so he can face the day.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star getting thrown out of his Dungeons and Dragons group for poor hygiene.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star cooking a hardboiled egg.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star buying batteries for a remote control.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star making a basket at an adult learning class.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star reading the DaVinci Code and loving it.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star TiVoing every single episode of MASH.

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star reading a recipe for pickles and only half understanding it.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star freaking out over the bee that's shut in the car with him.

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star, as a child, getting leeches by walking through the creek barefoot.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star falling off a bicycle and skinning his knee.

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star taking a hearing test and raising his right hand when he hears the tone.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star running out of toilet paper and using napkins to wipe himself.

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star dialing a wrong number and being too embarassed to say anything when an unfamiliar voice greets him.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star spending ten minutes describing a dry wall bracket to an employee at Home Depot because he doesn't know what they're called.

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star going through the Wendy's drivethrough again because they got his order wrong.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star reheating leftovers and not quite heating it all the way through but eating it anyway because he's pretty hungry.

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star watching the Cable Ace Awards.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star sitting alone in his apartment and picturing Jeffree Star riding a pegasus.

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star visiting his uncle in Utah and not being able to remember the name of his uncle's new wife.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star opening an email attachment with the .scr extension.

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star forgetting his screen saver password and having to call technical support.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star trying to pick up a dime on a table right after he clipped his fingernails.

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star buying a Calypso record at the Salvation Army because it looked pretty good but then playing it and being underwhelmed.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star pretending to know what episode of the Office everyone is talking about at a party but saying something that gives away the fact that he's never even seen the show.

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star running late for work and spending three minutes looking everywhere for his keys and then realizing that they were in his other hand, and then picture him explaining it to his boss and they both have a laugh about it because his boss is a pretty laid back guy.

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star getting a ticket for driving with one headlight out even though he got a fix-it ticket two weeks before, and now he's cursing himself for putting it off for so long.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star riding a sled so fast over a jump so big that he flies up into the air and just keeps going off into space and then he wakes up in a cold sweat and it was all a nightmare because his father was an astronaut who died in a sledding accident but he just fractured his skull and didn't fly off into space or anything.

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star covertly eating a scab on the bus.

Dr. Thorpe: actually I like it better if it's "Picture Jeffree Star on the bus, covertly eating a scab."

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star trying to remember the name of the guy who played the bad guy in The Warriors and he was also a thug in 48 Hours, and it's totally on the tip of his tongue but he just can't seem to remember it.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star trying to ask for directions at a hotdog stand and the guy has a really thick Mexican accent that Jeffree Star can't understand but Jeffree Star just pretends he can understand it because he doesn't want to keep asking the guy to repeat himself and because he doesn't know where he's going he drives around for another twenty minutes and then stops at a gas station and gets in line for the register being run by a white woman and then she turns out to be Hungarian and he can't understand her either so he just goes home and calls his friend who he was supposed to take to a Boogie Boarding competition and says he has food poisoning.

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star going to Target to look for a Christmas tree stand and finding out that they sold out of them that morning, so he goes to K-mart instead but they have also sold out of them, and as he gets back in his car to drive to Home Depot, he has a sudden moment of irrational panic and wonders if the clerks were lying to him, but then he laughs to himself and decides it's ridiculous, and he goes to Home Depot and finally finds a stand but it's thirty bucks and he can't justify spending that much on a christmas tree stand so he just puts the tree in a bucket of water and secures it to the wall with twine.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star absently doodling in the margins of a Land's End catalog while he's on the phone completing a survey on TV viewing habits.

Dr. Thorpe: Picture Jeffree Star finding his old Trapper Keeper from 8th grade and chuckling at the notes he passed to Kevin Miller, and wondering whatever happened to Keven Miller and then remembering he joined the navy, which was a pretty bonehead move as far as Jefree Star was concerned, but at the time he kept his mouth shut because Kevin seemed to be really into the whole navy thing.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star being signed to a record label and becoming fabulously wealthy and popular, the envy of women and a sex object for both gay and straight men. Oh no, some things are just too ridiculous to actually visualize.

Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, I got about halfway through that one and my mind sort of shut down.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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