Josiah Reed
Defining Quote: "I like visually stunning people with something to say, purpose in there walk talk, the real deal, a sense of conceptual uniqueness, personal style with a touch of the bad that is so bad at times its almost good, people who are anti anti-hype, originality, you!"

Zack: How do people like this even come out of North Carolina? That's like a huge gaudy Christmas tree topper just randomly appearing in a lava flow.

Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, I don't tend to think of North Carolina as "ironed-out mullet and shiny jacket country."

Zack: You've got to admit that utility bracelet thing he has on is pretty awesome though. I wonder if it shoots sleep darts or maybe like ejects a smoke screen so he can escape when he's outnumbered. "I knew I shouldn't have tried eating at Applebees! Josiah vanish!" Pssssssssshhhhh!

Dr. Thorpe: Maybe he can shoot little nets out and catch "visually stunning people with something to say" and bore their heads inside out with tales of $300 skin cream.

Zack: I think all the visually stunning people would say "let me out of this net!"

Dr. Thorpe: Maybe it's got a little pops-a-dent in there to occasionally fix his concave nipple.

Zack: Nah, usually for that he'll just remove the entire panel and pound it out with a sledge.

Dr. Thorpe: He's got to be careful not to chip the fiberglass.

Zack: That's the thing about modern models. They've got much higher safety ratings but the damn impact panels always crack so you have to replace a 2500 dollar panel instead of just pounding a ding. Which, coincidentally, is what he spends most of his free time doing.

Dr. Thorpe: I wonder how much the mechanic charged for that "smart blur" job on his face. I did that to my Honda to get some rust spots out.

Zack: I'm still sort of curious about what he means by "visually stimulating people". Is he looking for someone whose skin is just a giant shifting fractal or maybe one of those magic eye pictures. He'll be blowing some dude in a nightclub bathroom and suddenly a penguin or a balloon will pop right out in 3D.

Dr. Thorpe: I think that happens anyway when you do mix special K with amyl nitrates. Perhaps he means he's looking for someone who'll provide the compassion and encouragement he needs to wear an eye patch for a few weeks to encourage his lazy eye to focus better.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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