Defining Quote: "Degree: Bachelor's Degree
Major: History
my current favorite song is: Oh i think they like me by Dem Franchize boyz, jermaine dupri, dat brat, and bow wo"

Zack: If you have four or five hands and you cover about 95% of this picture she is really attractive.

Dr. Thorpe: Remember that Commander Keen game where you fought all the vegetables, and at the end you have to fight a gigantic potato called Boobus Tuber? That's a rhetorical question, but you will find that it has an important implication lurking within it.

Zack: I think I may have unraveled its secret meaning. Hey, I have a question for you. I'm looking for a word that means the exact opposite of exuding raw sex appeal.

Dr. Thorpe: If I may take that question as rhetorical, I think that I too have uncovered its implicit significance.

Zack: Excellent work.

Dr. Thorpe: Have you ever been hit by a dump truck made out of chicken drumsticks?

Zack: I wonder what would happen if I attached the hair from this doll to a heap of pork lard

Dr. Thorpe: You know how sailors used to mistake manatees for mermaids? I wonder if it could work in reverse; for example, I wonder if a manatee might mistake woman bathing in a river for a female manatee.

Zack: I keep looking through this catalog but I just can't find anything that combines the plunging neckline of a carpenter's apron with the classiness density of spaghetti straps. By the way, if there is one thing that I think needs to change about modeling these days it's the overuse of the protruding elbow. Why can't they go inward instead of outward once in a while?

Dr. Thorpe: I occasionally like to see a model who is wearing something so distasteful that she has to wear an unmistakably defiant look on her face. As if to say "yes, I am wearing this, and I will continue to wear this against all social pressures to do otherwise."

Zack: Speaking of which, I've got a couple of those cones of meat they have at gyro shops and they keep attracting flies. I'm worried about a health code violation or something and I was wondering if you knew if they made some sort of conical denim sheath or something I could stick those things in.

Dr. Thorpe: I recently ran across a word in the Oxford English Dictionary, "fabiform," defined as "bean-shaped." I began to imagine a person who looked exactly like a massive lima bean, and I wondered if such a person might actually exist.

Zack: I wonder if that sasquatch beast from "Harry and the Hendersons" ever got married. I mean, they didn't really show a wife or anything, but sometimes when I'm laying in bed I think there's got to be another one of those things out there and I bet he'd buy her a big diamond ring and she'd like it so much that she'd carry the jewelry box for it around for some reason.

Dr. Thorpe: I recently grew a gigantic, bulbous cauliflower in my garden, and I was wondering if the military made any industrial grade hammocks that could be slung around its midsection so that it might be picked up by a helicopter.

Zack: Hey, if I was going to go to college and get a bachelor's degree in history what do you think the maximum weight they would accept for enrollment might be?

Dr. Thorpe: There's a tourist attraction near my town that features a 50-foot-tall statue of Babe the Blue Ox. One time, after a heavy rainfall, the statue's paint was washed away, leaving only its bright white hull. Can you imagine what such a thing might look like?

Zack: I have a disfiguring scar on my forehead and a large mass of hornlike protrusions coming out of the back of my skull and I was looking for some sort of haircut that could somehow conceal both. If you know of one that could take care of that for me I would really appreciate it because this huge foam cowboy hat is really hot.

Dr. Thorpe: I have a really god-awful painting of an exploding eyeball which I've had quite a bit of difficulty selling. I wonder if there is any sort of hypnotic, dangling bauble that I could attach to the front of the painting to draw the eye unwillingly toward a gruesome explosion of white gristle.

Zack: Man I wish I had a slingshot capable of launching about 350 pounds of cookie dough.

Dr. Thorpe: I've often wondered if there is a less costly option than chemical castration to render sex offenders permanently impotent.

Zack: Picture Jeffree Star applying Saffron #3 lipstick and heavy eyeliner to a tree trunk coated in butter.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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