See: The Shining, Fatal Attraction, Slither

The deadliest place to relax.

Hollywood teaches: Stay the fuck out of a bathtub! You should avoid showering if at all possible! Hollywood is encouraging the world to take dirt baths or wallow in filth with their oozing and biting monstrosities that emerge during cleaning time. If you feel you absolutely must take a bath then use as little soap as possible so that you can see into the water. You don't want Freddy's glove, or a slug monster, or a flying piranha creeping up on you unseen beneath the bubbles.

The reality: Bathtubs and showers are dangerous places, but Hollywood has it all wrong. While you're on the lookout for an alien threat or a shark to appear in your grimy bath water, the real dangers are falling and electrocution. Take your safety advice from Final Destination, the most realistic of all Hollywood safety films. It warns us of the dangers of strangulation in the shower and also the risk of being smashed into bits of gore by a crane on the 4th of July, two of America's leading killers.

See: Deliverance, Mississippi Burning, Fletch Lives

The genetic scrapheap of America.

Hollywood teaches: The American South East is a rural land of racial hatred and genetic freaks. Men, women, and children are uncultured hayseeds who live in filthy overalls in swamps and want to rape fat men and lynch negroes. There is also the American South West, so far portrayed by auteur Rob Zombie as a washed out desert nightmare of sadistic serial killing mutants and their bad teeth. On the plus side, the deformed retardates of the South are usually idiot savants when it comes to music.

The reality: Hollywood's portrayal is completely accurate. The American South is a swamp version of Mad Max where black people are hunted for sport and instead of cars they drive those boats with the big fans on the back.

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