The Book of Horizons

Salutations! I'm glad you could join me today. I am in the middle of things so please bear with me. I'm working on a butt-rock power ballad written for the Theremin. If you move your hand up and then sort of wiggle it around it will make this awesome oooeeeooeee ooeeeeeeee ooooo sound and that's where the chorus breaks in "cuckoo, angel baby, I'm in love, with Crown Gravy" PYRO! BANG! BANG! Light up the night.

There are people who work on oil platforms and pretty much their only job is to dive down to these incredibly dangerous depths and scrape barnacles off of the support pylons for the oil platform. 24 hours in a decompression chamber, potential nitrogen narcosis, burst organs and they are underwater moss removers. But during the off time they live like kings. You can build up a lot of savings out on an oil rig. Amazon doesn't deliver to them. Yet. Somewhere out there is an oil rig diver who comes back from a tour of deep diving and barnacle scraping and he buys every back issue of Spiderman he can find and explores the soda aisle at the grocery store to see what toxic sludge has been combined with Mountain Dew while he was gone.

It's Mountain Dew Riptide, packed full of delicious Seaborgium. Atomic Number 106, a gas at room temperature, well-suited for infusing a coconut-flavored hyper-caffeinated soft drink. It's the perfect pick-me-up for the barnacle diver who just wants to feel energized for a long night of reading Spiderman comics and macroing his Dark Age of Camelot character. Seaborgium is so rare and precious that even Microsoft Word's comprehensive dictionary doesn't recognize Seaborgium. Like the Nintendo Gamecube or the Sony Playstation. If Sony made a word processor's spellchecker would they include the Xbox? Would it know what Seaborgium was? Could it really learn to love?

Thanks to the Internet I've seen a video of a woman shooting live eels out of her vagina, a Russian guy having his throat cut and a kid lighting himself on fire after filling a watermelon with gasoline. I've seen lots of terrible and amazing things, but I've never seen a video available for download that was just a happy birthday party. Are happy birthday parties just that hard to come by? Is it so wrong for me to want to just download one and laugh with the opposite of schadenfreude? Hey, look at their good fortune! Haha, that guy sure is happy about that great gift he got! Nope, guess it's back to the Japanese woman shitting an egg enema into a pan and then eating the poop egg omelet.

I think Rich "Lowtax" Canuckles wanted me to write about politics today, which is pretty much a complete reversal because usually he yells at me and breaks out the pimp hand when I start ranting about how much I hate Tom DeLay. A girl can't help it. I really hate Tom DeLay. But today's political stories include such winners as "Ban on Flag Burning Passes House" and obviously that particular house is full of pussies who cry in their sad cups whenever a piece of cloth gets burned. No one is going to disagree except for faggots, and I don't mean the gay kind of faggot, I mean the kind who pronounces "Osama" like someone saying "asthma" in "Lord of the Flies."

Also topping the headlines today is the fact that the US government hates porn. I may have to take down all of the porn images in the Horrors of Porn reviews because we don't have some ridiculous amount of actress age records on file with our fictional attorney. Great job US Government, you win again, you're on the path to success.

At least I didn't have to hear shadow conservative Hillary Clinton break out the drama over video games in the past 24 hours. Oh laws no Miss Scarlet! This games ah gunna give me the vapors with all these shootins and beatens and what have you. It's baby time for babies and we need someone to protect our kids from the deadly terror of Kirby's Cloudland Happytime Cake Adventure. Why did iD have to go and release Doom 3 so that their outrageously obsolete Doom references suddenly became vaguely relevant again? I blame the liberal media and Jewish banking.

Fourthly, did you know that eminent domain includes seizing your entire home and business to build a government-run office complex? I hope they rent out the bottom floor to Starbucks so that I can sip a double milk grande latte while I remember growing up in this house. Oh, I remember the stories ma used to read to me after tucking me into my bed in the center of County Comptroller Wayne Duncan's office. Even better, maybe they'll just seize my family business and let Wal-Mart open up a mega center there. You know, the kind where you can buy a pie, tires, a cat, and family pictures all in one trip.

I wonder if Chet in the photolab can adequately capture the gravitas of my sorrow over the loss of 120 years of family tradition using only a stock 35mm camera and the "Arizona Sunset" backdrop? That bubble of spittle in the corner of his mouth tells me he graduated high school photography with at least a C, so I'm guessing "yes."

Oh wow, I never knew dusk in Arizona looked like a bunch of vague dark red clouds. You're a miracle worker Chet. I think in this third one here you can actually see my spirit unfurl like a burned flag. No, no Chet, I mean that figuratively. Of course, what kind of maniac would dare touch fire to God's Flag? Can I get that one in an 8 ½ by 11? Three for a dollar, you say? Well hell, just set the envelope on top of the pie.

My favorite book of the Bible is Deuteronomy. That thing is a way more violent version of "Birth of a Nation." Half of Chapter 2 is about how subhuman slaves need to respect their masters, which is awesome since whole books of the Bible are about how slaves have to murder their Egyptian masters. Throughout the other half of Chapter 2 and most of Chapter 3 of Deuteronomy God sends the Israelites out and they go from town to town killing every man, woman, and child. That's a seriously hard ass religion of peace. If you read some of the other stuff it's crazy too. The Bible is just madcap. I absolutely love the part where the angels come down to Lot and the crazed homosexuals start banging on the door because they want to have sex with the angels. But Lot loves God so he is like "here rape my daughters instead." Way to go dad. How can people take this shit seriously?

Maybe I'm being too hard on them. It's a big book and it is a staggering work of bad writing and sloppy narrative. It's like if you took all of Steven King's books and jammed them into one mega volume and then scrambled up the sentence structures. Then you'd also have to add a bunch of anachronistic language and phrasing to give you mad street cred for when you are about to shoot a criminal and you want to say something dramatic and awesome like "woe betide he who maketh me mad for I am vengeance" or something like that.

Yeah man, that Randal Flagg guy was in all of his books all along and he planned it from the start. He fights Jesus and then some dragons come down and a virus kills everybody and don't forget if you marry a girl and she's not a virgin you get to have your car eat her. Then 144,000 chosen faithful can fly alien lawnmowers to heaven while Satan and his Langoliers destroy divergent time. Good job for living Donnie Darko. Fucking garbage.

I'm sorry, I can't take Darwin seriously anymore either, but I blame that one on "SeaQuest DSV." Roy Scheider could kill Jaws like five times but he couldn't come up with a computer that didn't make his dolphin sound like a muppet? If I were a dolphin I would be pissed. I would swim as fast as possible and ram my nose into some six pack rings or tuna nets just to prove a point. Enjoy your not-dolphin-safe tuna, Blue Thunder.

Great news for those of you who are reading this who also happen to be soullessly evil: De Beers has opened its first retail outlet in the United States. In case you aren't up to speed on who De Beers is, they are a diamond cartel that has a virtual monopoly on the natural diamond market, controls diamond prices, and uses slave labor and deals with regional warlords to extract diamonds from Africa. They make Halliburton or Enron look like Hug Time at the Cupcake Parade.

Dim bulb luminary Lindsay Lohan was in attendance for the New York store's grand opening to show off how she ruined her scrumptious figure by becoming a titless stick girl composed of sinew and gristle. She probably got a free tennis bracelet that still had part of a 9-year-old African boy's foot attached to it. When asked what she thought of the protestors Lohan's neck-cords strained at their emaciated moorings and she rasped out ""I don't get involved in any drama." Oh really, Lindsay Lohan? Is that why you're practically attached at the syphilitic uterus to Paris Hilton? She's a real safe harbor in the uncertain seas of drama.

Teri Hatcher was there too. I remember having a huge dork boner for her back when she was on that Superman show with "Dragon Fighter's" Dean Cain. Then I saw "Heaven's Prisoners" where she steps out onto a New Orleans balcony topless and her breasts looked like ziplocks full of custard stapled to a sawhorse. Call me shallow, but I haven't been tempted to jack off to a Radio Shack commercial ever since. Her banter with "Firestorm's" Howie Long in those commercials had me reaching for the nearest receptacle capable of holding half of a regurgitated pizza. A little tip for the wise if you're ever in a similar situation: it's pretty much impossible to projectile vomit into a 20 ounce soda bottle cleanly. Maybe some sort of vomit specialist could pull it off, but I skipped that class at the Al Qaeda training camp.

Battlefield 2 is an enormous improvement over Battlefield: 1942. By removing three digits from the title they have streamlined gameplay, added a strategic element, and incorporated some intense new improvements like the ability to drive a tank out into the ocean and shoot at rubber rafts. The best part about Battlefield 2 is sometimes when you jump out of a buggy or a rubber raft it will be going like half a mile an hour still and right as you jump out it will lightly touch you and you'll scream and fall over dead. It could be lazy programming or maybe, just maybe, they have finally incorporated all of the demands for poison covered vehicles from people on their forums.

In Battlefield 2 all of America's potential Middle Eastern enemies have been transformed into the Middle Eastern Coalition or MEC. As was the case in the terrible game Act of War, the idea of asymmetrical warfare just isn't fun so bad guys have to be reorganized into a complimentary and fairly balanced force so that we can fight them. But hey, I'm sure all of the insurgents in Iraq have parachutes in case they need to jump off of a building to race to their SU-34 attack jet. When is Donald Rumsfeld going to provide the armor needed to protect our military's Hummers from wire-guided Ataka anti-tank missiles launched from hovering Mi-28 Havok attack helicopters? Never! Fucking Halliburton!

By the way, did I mention that I hate Tom Fucking DeLay? He's a pretty giant cunt. I went to the Ohio Caverns as a kid and that's the kind of cunt Tom DeLay is. The kind of cunt full of stalactites and geodes that get folksy nicknames from the tour guide like "Old Man's Moonshine" and "The Cat's Eye." There is probably even a river inside Tom DeLay somewhere, loaded with albino crustaceans that have evolved in an environment with so little light that they actually see sounds. Every time he blocks a vote on anti-slavery legislation in Saipan one of those little white crabs gets a little bigger and a little meaner. When he dies his face is going to split open and they'll just come pouring out in a great wave. Millions upon millions of fat white crabs, just pinching and echolocating the fuck out of us all.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)