One-Sentence Reviews From 2019
As 2009 comes to a close, video game sites continue their quest to generate precious clicks with lazy features like "Best Games Of The Decade" and "The Most Influential Games Of The Last Yen Years" and "List Game Top Decade 10".
More Oddball 90's PC Games
This time around, readers chime in on everything from Harvester to soul-stealing computers to the mystery of the multiplying David Bowie.
Normality In The Mid-90's
Grabbing a box from the shelf of your local Babbage's in the mid-90's might have netted a standard RTS, but you were just as likely to discover an FMV adventure game about Dennis Hopper opening a detective agency in a cyberpunk version of Hell where all disputes are settled via hoverbike races.
Why Diablo III And StarCraft II Aren't Out Yet
Development on StarCraft II began in 2003, and Diablo III went into production in 2005. To put that into perspective, more time has gone into those two games than all of the hours that were spent making video games in the Palaeozaic and Mesozoic eras combined.
The Worst Console-to-PC Ports
Borderlands is amazing once you get past the cumbersome menus, disable mouse acceleration, then adjust the field of view until it's closer to that of a human with two eyes instead of a cyclops with horse blinders on.
Brutal Legend Uncredited Track Listing
If you catch yourself thinking, "Wait, if that wasn't 'Soul Thrashing Black Sorcery' by Skeletonwitch, what was it?" while playing Brutal Legend, please refer to this handy list of uncredited heavy metal tracks from the game.
Lines From BioWare's Next Trailer
"God? Ha. God is dead. Let me see what items you have for sale."
Sorry, But Batman: Arkham Asylum Is NOT Realistic
I didn't get the final cinematic, either, where Batman says "This isn't over, not by a long shot", and we see a dark corner of the bat cave with dozens of eggs wriggling, one cracking open to reveal a tiny hand with a Batglove reaching skyward.
Great Ideas From Nintendo Fans
The official Nintendo e-mail newsletter recently called upon loyal fans to write in with things they'd like to see in upcoming iterations of the company's flagship titles. I thought the results were surprisingly good, so I'm reprinting them here for everyone who hasn't subscribed to the newsletter.
They're Still Making EverQuest Expansions
Here I am, looking at a press release for an Everquest expansion called "Underfoot". This is frightening for two reasons. First, the title is pandering to people who fantasize about being crushed by 60-foot tall superheroes. Second, this will be the game's SIXTEENTH expansion.
Randomizin' Guns With Borderlands
Borderlands will feature somewhere around one billion guns, give or take a few infinity plus ones. This works out to roughly 1,500 guns per bullet that the average player will come across, making the "throw gun" button an invaluable addition to the game.
I Have An Idea For A Game
There is a kingdom, but there is a shadow, dark and also metaphorical. The shadow has befallen the kingdom. Although you come from an unlikely beginning, only you can save the kingdom and probably the whole world.
Essential Fallout 3 Mods
There are thousands of Fallout 3 mods out there, but only a few could be considered essential. If I had it to do all over again, this is what I would install to get the most out of the game the first time around.
Ten Minutes With ArmA 2
I've never played the original ArmA. I don't even know what the title means, but I'm pretty sure it's short for Armed Army. (EDIT: A helpful reader corrected me, it's actually an abbreviation of Arm A)
Alex Mercer, Prototypical Dick
I run up the face of the largest building in the city, leap backwards, and let myself fall. The wind assaults me with the force of a tidal wave on a storm-battered shore. My hoodie never wavers.
Sims 3 First Impressions, inFAMOUS Sequel Ideas
Electricity is the solution to every problem you encounter in inFAMOUS which cannot be resolved through the use of random capitalization.
News & Views For May 16th
This week we take a break from VGA's regular format to cover the tragic end of 3D Realms and the newly-unveiled controller peripheral for Tony Hawk's Ride.
Wizard Of The Realm
Join thousands of fellow brave adventurers in the world's first Massively Multiplayer Single Character Role Playing Game as you cooperatively control Wizard, the only hero capable of saving the Realm from Boss and his loyal horde of Minions!
The Original Cast Of Half-Life
Gordon Freeman's silent nerd schtick is iconic, but he was very nearly a bulky, bearded angry viking with a flat top. Read on to see what similar fates nearly befell the Half-Life series' supporting cast.
Memorable Dialogue: Mike Tyson's Punch Out!
Mike Tyson's Punch Out! wasn't limited to pugilism and lilliputian player characters, it was also limited to useless banter between sweaty men with head injuries.
That Gumball Sort Of Looks Like Kirby
Some see the virgin Mary in curly fries, we see Aeris in Mountain Dew stains. Come experience the visions that will make you believe that food can look like other things if you squint and are crazy.
Beta Living Through Feedback
As the writer of a video game article so popular it actually shows up as the second result in a Google search for "Video Game Article", my opinions are something of a hot commodity. Not a day goes by without a beta test invite seeking insights that can turn even the dullest of turds into glistening piles of pungent success.
Memorable Dialogue: Root Beer Tapper
Remembering the exceptional writing that made Root Beer Tapper one of gaming's classic titles for the ages.
Patch Notes: Dawn Of War II
In addition to particle effects, added quark effects which cannot be seen even at the highest zoom level. We might have also implemented dark matter effects, but that's difficult to prove or disprove.
Memorable Dialogue: Ice Hockey
Ice Hockey for the NES was ahead of its time. It was simultaneously fun, nationalistic, and accurate in its portayal of athletes who were mordibly obese. It was also chock full of unfrogettable prose.
Top 15 Ways To Pander To Digg
Let it be known that we are for sale, and can fill the void left behind by failed game websites and publications immediately. We can adapt to any format, from news blog to extreme gaming lifestyle portal to tombstone epitath carvings.
