American Legends: Abraham Lincoln

This image of Lincoln was done just weeks before his second brain growth became apparent.On Monday I dedicated my update to the first president of the United States, none other than George Washington. With a mixture of traditional information acquired from texts on that great figure and new information that I acquired myself using unconventional means I believe I celebrated Washington and enriched what we thought we knew about him. I would like to take the time today to dedicate a second update to another great figure from American history.

Abraham Lincoln freed blacks from the shackles of slavery, he brought the Union through the greatest conflict in our history that threatened to tear our nation asunder, and he was one of the most eloquent and profound speakers our nation has ever produced. Recently some small amount of controversy has been associated with Lincoln. Some would say that his commitment to the end of slavery and bringing equality to all races was not complete enough. Others theorize that Lincoln was a homosexual, which would quite obviously unravel all of the good he has undeniably done for our country and bring shame on our proud history. Using my patented technique of "histronomy" I would like to not only celebrate this legend of Americana, but cast off these shadows of doubt that have crept into his biography.

For the casual historian or those who just take pride in their American heritage I believe this piece will offer you interesting information about Abraham Lincoln. Not only that, but for the most erudite scholars of Lincoln's history this piece should provide a cornucopia of new information about the man. Whatever category you fall into I suggest you put on some sort of safety helmet that can contain your mind because it is about to be totally fucking blown.

The Early Years

Lincoln's second brain is growing rapidly and he must conceal it with his wild hair.Abraham Lincoln was born in the most modest of circumstances in a log cabin near Hodgenville, Ky., on Feb. 12, 1809. His father was a simple farmer named Thomas and his mother was a mysterious woman who some believe to either be an angel or succubus, or possibly a simple woman named Nancy Hanks. Lincoln's life was hard even at a young age and the necessities of pioneer life forced him to perform grueling chores when as young as three or four. In his own memoirs Lincoln writes "when I was but a scrapling of four winters my father hastened me to scale sheer rockfaces to steal the prized eggs of carnivorous great eagles. These birds would assail me as I descended with their clutch, tearing long strips of flesh from my arms and back with their talons. This was all in the day's work for me." He goes on to describe the primitive farm conditions of his later childhood.

"On my eighth year we raised a barn out of dirt and rocks and some pieces of wood we threw into the heap before it settled. We went into the woods and beat the trees with sticks until all manner of livestock stampeded out and were corralled into our barn. The wild cows were quick to anger and bit my hands during feedings in the most unkind of manner. Milking the forest turtles was no walk of the cakes either, as these feral tortoises gave their sweet milk into the pan they would snap and clatter their pincers until I sometimes clapped my hands over my ears. For a time we even kept a bog monster locked in the cellar and occasionally I would cut off pieces of meat from its flanks that would grow back in a fortnight. Oh the calamity of it all as I approached with my butcher's accoutrements. How the beast would wail, its tongue lolling from its mouth and foam covering its rubbery lips. We kept its clawed forelimbs pinioned to its chest with twine and had to daily prune its leathery wings lest it break free and take flight into the night sky to return to its home in the bog or on the moon."

Lincoln was only seven when his family moved to Indiana and was only nine when his mother succumbed to a disease, probably either hair worms or the dreaded kettle crisps. Without a woman around the Lincoln house fell into disrepair and unimaginable squalor. Not knowing how to cook for or bathe his children, Abraham's father Thomas often provided them only with bowls of grass and pieces of fur to eat and had them roll in cow pens once a week to clean themselves. Luckily Thomas married Sarah Bush Johnston scarcely over a year later and the widow brought order and her three children into the Lincoln household.

Lincoln grew to be a tall young man and the family moved on to Illinois several years later where Lincoln became a voracious reader. His taste in literature ranged from the Holy Bible to historic texts to bizarre occult tomes like "Cultes des Goules" and "Unaussprechlichen Kulten". It is even rumored that when he was only 12 years old Lincoln managed to banish some strange stalker of the Indiana forests using only a religious incantation and a red-veined oddly angled stone. At the age of 19 Lincoln began to work outside of the home, helping to ferry riverboat cargoes as far south as Louisiana. At the age of 23 Lincoln joined the military and served two terms to help kill Indians who were in the way of expanding American territory with their silly teepees and beads and whatnot.

Early Political Career

Lincoln was often bloodied by his cruel wife Mary Todd.Lincoln fully entered the political arena in 1834 when he was elected to the Illinois House of Representatives. At the time political alignments were in a state of uncertainty, with a number of different factions beginning to take shape. Lincoln had a tough decision to make about which one of the three major parties to align himself with.

The Whig Party - The Whig party was created as a reaction to Andrew Jackson's federalist Democratic Party. It consisted mainly of drunkards and hooligans with a tendency to fire pistols, brawl, and hoot nonsense while breaking bottles of booze over each other's heads. During political meetings they were known for engaging in any number of ribald practical jokes that included cross-dressing, hot feet, paddling, ritualized mutilation, and the opening of dimensional gateways.

The Democratic Party - The formative Democratic Party wanted to concentrate power in the federal government and did this by sending groups of thugs around towns and "cracking skulls". High ranking Democratic politicians would accompany these gangs on horseback and would utilize a long hook-headed staff to ensnare the citizenry and drag them off to indentured labor camps.

The Eternal Negro Enslavement Party - The strongest supporters of state's rights, the Eternal Negro Enslavement Party members wanted to diversify the power of the federal government to the individual states and build a foundation on the backs of black slaves. In fact they supported the government taking an active hand in the spread of slavery including using crude airships to trap and import slaves from abroad. They also supported the legal classification of Irishmen, Germans, and the Italians as Negroes.

After some pressure, Lincoln followed his political idols Henry Clay and John T. Stuart and joined the Whigs. Lincoln was a powerful speaker even early in his political career, but as a congressman of a frontier state he did not hold all that much sway. Following the advice of Stuart he got his law license and began practicing law to supplement his income and cover expenses which included money he still owed for a failed business.

It was not long before Lincoln's marriage to Marry Todd in 1842 that he began to wear his famous stove-pipe hat. While many believed his wild hair and the hat were simply affectations, they were actually both intended to conceal a bizarre change Lincoln was undergoing. Lincoln had mutated a second brain on top of his skull, one that doubled his intelligence and granted him growing psychic abilities. It is told that Lincoln once solved a murder that had gone unsolved for almost a decade in a matter of minutes. What is not widely known is that Lincoln solved this crime but "scanning" the mind of a suspect and reading his memories about the murder. He then provided intricate details to the local constabulary who in turn arrested and jailed the man for his crime based on the evidence found.

Lincoln's marriage to Mary Todd was not all fun and games either. She was a difficult spouse, prone to titanic rages that would often leave Lincoln badly beaten. Only once did he fear for his life enough to unleash his psychic powers and send her flying across a courtyard and into a fountain. Witnesses claim to have heard him murmur "cool off" as he turned and walked back inside his home. Mary Todd did bear her husband four children, but because of a hex placed on her by a jealous gypsy with affections for Lincoln only one of the four children lived to adulthood. Robert Lincoln survived, probably shielded from death by the sheer will and psychic ability of Lincoln himself.

His political career experienced a number of ups and downs including dramatic debates with Senator Douglas. Finally in 1860 Lincoln ran and won for the office of President of the United States, States that were not United for long as the Southern states quickly seceded from the Union citing "creative differences".

The Civil War

A picture taken at Wooly Creek where Lincoln piloted the Battle Forge and lost his arm.Immediately after his inauguration Lincoln faced a crisis over Fort Sumter in the Charleston (S. C.) harbor, one of the few remaining U.S. forts in the seceded states still under federal control. It was there that the first shots of the civil war were fired when the Confederate Navy bombarded supply ships bound for the fort and soon lay siege to the fort itself. The war had begun and Lincoln acted to reinforce the Union military forces and consolidate the remaining Union states. Despite his best efforts even more drifted away and, not wanting to anger loyal states that still allowed slavery, Lincoln hesitated on issuing his Emancipation Proclamation.

Many of the largest and most important battles of the Civil War have been carefully recorded and reenacted by a bunch of adult nerds with too much time and money for their own good. Other battles and incidents have been lost to the cruel procession of time. Until now that is! Thanks to my revolutionary "historonomy" technique I have managed to record a number of instances where Lincoln personally took command of the war effort or otherwise averted catastrophe. I was going to write a book about all this stuff because Civil War history texts sell really well, then I realized how monumentally lazy I am and decided to include them in this article. Here now, for the first time in over a century, are some of the most important battles and events you have never heard of!

The First Battle of Wooly Creek (1861) - Lincoln first led the Union army in battle at Wooly Creek, where the 175th Rifle Division, supported by cannons and battle balloons, engaged some 20,000 Confederate forces. Lincoln fought at the front in a steam-driven suit of cast-iron armor he called the "Battle Forge". Spraying shot from its arm-mounted Gatling guns and firing massive shells out of its back-mounted war mortar, Lincoln accounted for some thousand dead personally. When a barrage of artillery disabled the mechanical warrior, Lincoln emerged unscathed and fought off a Confederate counter-attack with a handful of soldiers. Using his saber to run the enemy through, Lincoln projected a psychic force that shielded him and many of the other soldiers from Confederate sharpshooters. Ultimately the battle was won but Lincoln suffered a grievous injury from a rebel cannon and his left arm was amputated. This was replaced weeks later while Lincoln recovered with a pneumatic drill capable of burrowing through the hull of an ironclad.

The Battle of Harp's Elbow Ranch (1863) - Lincoln had resumed personal command of two divisions in the field in early 1863 and fought a number of minor skirmishes against the Confederacy. In June he lead a large attack against General Lee's forces near Charleston at a field known as Harp's Elbow Ranch. There Lincoln deployed the first Praetorians of the Union seen in battle. Polished iron warriors controlled by Lincoln's mind, they were immune to all attack but a direct hit from cannon shot. Only twenty in number, Lincoln rode in the upgraded armored battle suit called "The Kraken" and cut a swath to Lee's headquarters unit. There he fought with the Confederate general and some of his war seers in a pitched battle that lasted throughout the night. While the conventional forces engaged each other in heated battle, the action around Lee's HQ was no less intense. Lincoln's battle suit was crippled but still functioning by the coruscating flames of magic blasted forth from the hands of Lee's personal seer Agamemnon. Fueled by the blood being spilled on the battle nearby the war seer had gained incredible power and each blast liquefied metal on "The Kraken" and rocked it back on its hydraulic legs. His ammunition exhausted, Lincoln charged forward and smashed Agamemnon's body against a rack of conveniently angled bayonet blades. Whistling Dixie on blood-stained lips, Agamemnon blasted apart Lincoln's dreadnought with a final massive spell cast from his hands. Lincoln survived but again was forced to retire. Despite his injuries Lincoln had broken the magical backbone of Confederacy's sorcery corps. Lee retreated into Charleston and the Union army besieged it.

Lincoln was so great that aliens carved a life-sized version of his head into a mountain with their space lasers. Assassination Attempt (1864) - Desperate to lash out at the warrior president of the Union, General Lee and several of his closest agents forced a voodoo practitioner slave to cast a spell upon Lincoln. Using pieces of Lincoln's coat and a few strands of hair recovered from the battlefield at Harp's Elbow Ranch, the voodoo priest summoned the spirits of the dead to arise and slay Lincoln. All throughout Washington corpses began to disinter themselves and shamble towards the White House. Over the course of a week the mass of living dead encircled the president and attempted to break into the White House and kill him. Desperate for assistance, Lincoln employed the help of a magical Genie who would grant him wishes. His first wish was for the dead to return to their rest in the afterlife and this the Genie granted. His second wish was for all slaves to be free and with a nod the Genie made all slaves throughout the world free. Lincoln's third and final wish was that he could be a 500-foot tall billionaire that all women found attractive. And so it was that Lincoln grew to be even taller than the late, great, George Washington.

The Fall of the South (1864) - Turned into a towering titan of might, Lincoln strode South to Richmond and Atlanta, blasting them all with psychic shockwaves felt around the globe. He shrugged off even the heaviest attacks and would occasionally unleash poison gas from canisters hidden in his giant hat. During the evening he would tear apart entire grain stockpiles pouring thousands of pounds of corn and wheat down his throat. Behind him followed a legion of damsels who would tend to him in the evening by placing hundreds of cool washcloths on the massively swollen and pulsing orb of his second brain. Lincoln coupled with many fine southern and northern lasses during those heady final days of the war. While he had grown to such a colossal size, the Genie had kindly left his genitals of normal proportions and Lincoln indeed used them to sire vast numbers of illegitimate offspring.

With the Civil War over Lincoln ran for re-election which he easily won. Unfortunately for him a few days later, while enjoying a play at Ford's Theater, Lincoln was assassinated by a 500-foot tall actor named John Wilkes Booth. Believed to be in league with a cabal of Satanists and Freemasons Booth had been granted a boon by demonic entities and had grown to a size equal to Lincoln. Southern artisans and tenacious rebels had crafted a gigantic pistol for him to use. Lincoln never recovered from the three ton bullet that struck him in the head.

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Hey guys, what's going on in this update? Josh "Liverspots" Boruff here to let you know that the Something Awful Forum Goons have once more blessed us with the funny images necessary to bring you guys some Photoshop Phriday action. This week it's "Magazine Mayhem," which means we've got lots of funny magazines that the bigshots over in Washington don't want you read.

Go and read it or I'll call the cops!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)