Aliens, Jesus, and bad special effects? Why, it's David Heavener's masterpiece "Outlaw Prophet!"
When I heard there existed a horror movie about Ron Jeremy's dick going on a killing spree, I did not think it would be the best cinematic experience of my professional career! Thank you so much "One Eyed Monster" for showing me the light.
"Not Quite Human" is a movie about a robot and not an underpaid teen actor because Mickey Mouse says it's a movie about a robot! Cool!
Hey remember that 'RV' comedy movie they advertised back in '06 that you were almost interested in seeing because it had Robin Williams in it but then you realized it looked shitty so you didn't? Yeah you didn't miss much.
"Beyond Loch Ness" is a movie about the Loch Ness Monster terrorizing America. Fuck Scotland we're taking your shit.
I don't even know where to start. This movie. "Surf School." It's fucking broken me.
A horror movie featuring murder, sex, AND drugs? Well I never!
"Transmorphers" is a straight-to-DVD ripoff release that nevertheless managed to be better than "Transformers 2" by virtue of being much, much shorter.
"Raptor Island" is another edge-of-your seat Sci-Fi Channel thrill ride where red-blooded American heroes triumph over deadly foes straight out of a high-school senior's Computer Animation project!
"Hey reviewing bad movies will be WAY better than reviewing bad video games!" exclaimed Raptor Red, her stupid trap flapping in the wind. "The Butterfly Effect 3" is a heartwarming family film involving magical bathtubs, racism, and sisterfucking. Also it's as boring as a Catholic mass.
"Barbie Vacation Adventure" is another old video game that was not very good. This means I have to play it or my family starves.
Teenage girls, the homosexual agenda, and DARKLARZA making love to your significant other. All in a week's ROM Pit.
"Legacy of the Wizard" for the NES was intentionally designed to fuck you off!
"Family Dog" for the SNES teaches us not to abuse animals, because then they might star in their own platformer and flail about, ruining everyone's fun!
For this week only, Raptor Red puts a bunch of goddamn .pngs in your ROM Pit! Because "Clash at Demonhead" does not deserve words.
This week, the ROM Pit gives us a look into the lives of two young gamer girls as Courtney and her BFF Heather review "The Lost Word of Jenny."
There are people who say "Princess Tomato in the Salad Kingdom" was a good video game. There are also people who say the Holocaust never happened, but that doesn't make it right.
The ROM Pit Reviews "DYNOWARZ: Destruction of Spondylus," a 1989 Nintendo game that has been scientifically proven to be the most immature concept ever to exist.
Words are hard. That's why this week's ROM Pit is all pictures, all the time! It's also because "Where's Waldo?" is too terrible to review and Raptor Red is a lazy cunt.
The worst thing about "Trolls on Treasure Island" is not that it's about a god-awful 1990s franchise, or even that this 1992 NES title has graphics that look like an Atari with extra chromosomes. No, the worst thing about "Trolls" is simply Octavio. He is also the besthing.
Even though the ROM Pit doesn't want to dampen the enthusiasm for the awesome "Sonic and the Black Knight," it's time we unleash our justice on an unfortunate mistake along the way: the deplorable "Sonic the Hedgehog 2." Think it was a good game? Prepare to have your world torn down.
The ROM Pit reviews the video game incarnation of “Back to the Future II,” and subsequently realizes that every goddamn NES game is a ripoff of 2-3 other NES games that managed not to suck.
Come to the glorious jungles of Taiwain with "Little Red Hood," a game which takes the wolf out of the classic fairy tale and replaces it with creepy child molestors. And stairs.
Raptor Red is unhappy about playing a shitty NES game about Godzilla. Her tears are sad. Sad, and tired.
"Bronkie the Bronchiosaurus" is an SNES game about dinosaurs with asthma. No, really.
"Robodemons" was made by Color Dreams Inc, which is technically the same company that made "Bible Adventures" and other Jesus-tinged lore. Funny how their descend into hell is no more palatable!
Did you own "Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure" as a kid?! Of course you didn't because then you'd still be wandering around a bitmap somewhere!
The 1988 Nintendo game "WWF Wrestlemania" was basically everyone slobbing Hulk Hogan's knob. Please don't think about that in too much detail.
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