Special Guest Idris Elba's (Not a Joke) Top 10 Games of 2017
I didn't expect a reply, but it came. Here, somehow, is Idris Elba's list of 2017's best games.
The Complete History of Magic Leap Prototypes: Leap Before You Look
You might think the Magic Leap headset is understated and not at all ridiculous-looking, but it wasn't always so perfect.
A Caricature Artist Describes His Attackers
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
Patch Notes: The PUBG Girl Parts Update
All gun sights and scopes changed to Fleshlights - zoom in to get a good look at the mysterious sex organ
Democrats and the Press Fight Back
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
Do You Remember the Names of ALL the Mega Man Bosses? I Do!
To celebrate this week's announcement of Mega Man 11 - the first Mega Man game since Mega Man 6 on the NES - let's remember all the terrific bosses we've faced in this beloved series!
2017 Game of the Year Awards Part One: January to July
This covers the first half of the year, from January to July. Which half of the year will the next installment cover? You'll have to come back on December 13th to find out!
What This American Is Thankful for in 2017
I'm thankful that the internet has a few more weeks of Net Neutrality protection before the inevitable outcome of deregulation comes to pass. I'll see you on Tier Basic, assuming you spring for the Limited Email Plan and your ISP hasn't throttled this domain.
Loot Boxes and Unlocks(es?), Battlefront II and You
The default crosshair is an enormous block of text flashing "YOU ARE A GARBAGE IDIOT". Simply play the game for 100 hours to unlock a regular crosshair, or buy the Elite Sniper Pack for $29.99.
The Scoundrel's Guide to Choosing a Spaceship
What you need is a cramped cargo hold that is an absolute pain in the ass to use. We're talking about a dusty half-closet that forces you to rearrange your entire collection of vests and striped pants to make room for a single crate of iridium jizz flutes.
I Wrote The Most Popular Tweet Of All Time
You're looking at the most popular tweet of all time. 28K retweets. 54K likes. Nothing comes close. For comparison, the second most popular tweet comes from president Barack Obama, trailing far behind with a mere 1.7K retweets and 4.6K likes.
Warhammer Underworlds: Shadespire (Part 7)
You appreciate Warhammer from a safe distance. Yet for some reason you haven't taken the plunge and tried a miniatures wargame. Warhammer Underworlds: Shadespire is the ideal way to dip your toe in the water. Swimming. Metaphors.
Apple's Last Great Computer: The Plastic MacBook
In 2010 it was possible to walk into any store that sold Apple products (an "Apple Shop" if you will) and purchase the best laptop the company ever produced. I'm talking, of course, about the...
How to Determine the Authenticity of This Authentication Guide
Lean in close to your screen. Inhale deeply. Does this guide give off a cloyingly sour odor? Then it is likely the genuine article.
Japanese Box Art Is Always Better
A hot dog leaping, fist raised in jubilation. A sweaty business man making an O with his mouth as his bow tie spins like a propeller. A swirling vortex of dreidels. This is the Japanese box art for Gone Home.
The Worst Things Your Flight's Pilot Could Possibly Say
"Oh, look, it's me from the future! And there's another me, made of anti-matter! All three of us are reaching out towards the exact same point in space, our fingertips on a collision course."
Bull in a China Shop
Why do I keep doing this to myself? The manager's been following me around since the moment I set hoof in this place.
What Can You Do In Divinity: Original Sin 2?
You can open up your inventory and gasp. A thousand keys? Three thousand books? Enough body parts to make twenty entire elves?
7 Essential Games Nintendo Forgot To Put On The SNES Classic
The Legend Of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild is the most popular, critically acclaimed Zelda game since Ocarina Of Time. Think about how many more SNES Classics it would sell!
James Cameron's Billion Dollar Avatar 2-5 Budget Request
Hi studio. This James Cameron, needing money for Avatar movie times four. What I spend the money on below okay. It's good proposition.
There's More Bad Destiny 2 Merchandise Than Good Destiny 2 Content
Candles scented like planets(?) and Destiny logo ice cube trayss increase KDR by 26% on average! Trusted by Pros
All Six Uses For The Human Hands
We use the hands to shred PHONE BILL. We know not where PHONE BILL originated, nor do we know what it means. These are matters of some philosophical debate. Some say the entire subject is out of our hands.
Remembering The Cowboy Scientists
These are the unsung cowboy scientists. Forgotten pioneers, not only of the wild west but also of the wild frontier of systematic study through experimentation and observation.
If I Was The Onion's Video Game Editor
Hosts Spend Entirety Of Weekly 4-Hour Podcast Bemoaning Lack Of Time To Play Discussed Games
IT Cinematic Universe Viewing Order
Where does The IT Crowd fit into the It cinematic universe? Find out here!
Incoherent Proposal: How Far Will I Go For Money Dollars?
What would I do for $1,000,00? Live in a Swiss chalet for one year rent-free. Food and entertainment provided. My every whim anticipated, never experiencing a moment absent of absolute safety and comfort.
Nidhogg 2 And West of Loathing Are Dumber - And Therefore Better - Than Most Games
Sometimes you just want to zone out and see what happens when your inner moron takes over. Enter two dumbass-friendly games that came out this month, Nidhogg 2 and West of Loathing.
Breitbart Headlines Throughout History
Internment Camp Queens Caught Scamming Extra Servings Of Water And Laying Around All Day In Government-Provided Housing
The Deadliest Snake In The Wild West
Ask any cowboy and they'll tell you: The deadliest snake in the wild west is Lava-Filled Hole Shaped Exactly Like A Cowboy Silhouette
A Recap Of Every DOTA 2 International Match
The International is here, cramming roughly twelve thousand hours of DOTA 2 into one week. That's a lot to keep up with! If you miss out on anything just refer to this recap, which describes every match in the tournament.
Martin Shkreli May Be A Human Sneer, But These Courtroom Sketches Are Unflattering
On the charge of possessing a face that cannot be depicted as belonging to a relatable human being, we the jury find the defendant guilty.
What Is THREADRIPPER?
THREADRIPPER is, in one sense, a computer processor made by AMD. In a broader, metaphysical sense it RIPS THREADS.
Legend On Legend: Solid Snake Interviews Mario
Solid Snake: "How did they get your password?" Mario: "Ah spaghetti... ah ravioli..."
Watch Me Fix The 'Assassin In Love' Movie Poster
Honestly, the Assassin In Love poster is nearly perfect to begin with. It just needs a few minor tweaks.
My Eyes Are The Windows 10 To My Soul
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
Better(?) Magazine Ads For Classic Games
Seize the mean beans of production with Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine! SEGA!
A Scant Few of The Many Foes I Have Pummeled In Your Realm
It is for honor and sacred oathkeeping that I traverse the linked realms, pummeling the mightiest warriors from all clans.
I Made A Cheap Arcade Stick! And Mistakes!
If I built a functioning arcade stick for less than fifty bucks, you could make a nicer one in half the time and sustain fewer life-threatening injuries.
The Diablo 3 Necromancer DLC: Time For A Skeleton Key Party
Today you can slap down fifteen bucks for Diablo 3's new class, the Diablo 2 Necromancer. How does this character rate in the SMPDSI (Skeletal Minion Per Dollar Spent Index)? Let's find out!
Sponsored Links 10: The Tennening (Part 11)
Around the web and back again to you, the lord of the webrings.
The Totally Sane, Healthy World of IMDB User Lists
IMDB user lists can be used to rank film buffs' favorite movies and creators. 90% of these lists have names like "My Harem" and "Far East Pleasures Karma Sutra Women of Beauty"
EXCLUSIVE E3 MEGATON REPORT: I Bought Rage and Got Rage With Sewers
The simple fact is, I have Rage with Sewers. Dwelling on the divine purpose behind this fact would be a waste of time. Sewers cannot be undone.
Fighting Game Quips As Movie Subtitles: Round Three... Begin! (Part 3)
"You're weak, creepy, and pesty. Consider euthanasia! Ha ha"
According To Tolstoy, All Great Literature Is One Of Twenty Two Stories
The marginally notable writer Leo Tolstoy once said: "All great literature is one of two stories; a man goes on a journey or a stranger comes to town." Well, almost. That quote is in fact an abridged version of a much longer quote. According to Tolstoy, all great literature is actually one of twenty two stories. These are the other twenty.
Know Your Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor Skills
Channel the instincts of a dire bear to scratch your back on the trunk of a skull tree
Replacing More Movie Subtitles With Fighting Game Quips (Part 2)
"My Dance of Healing will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though."
What Are All Those Medals On Sheriff David Clarke's Costume?
Nightwatch Brigade Insignia: Awarded for hiding in a coat closet and watching God's Not Dead, God's Not Dead 2, and Last Man Standing on a 1980s-era portable tv every night instead of sleeping
Playerunknown's Battlegrounds: How To Finish In The Top 100 Nearly Every Time!
100 players squirt out of a cargo plane's butthole then scavenge and fight until one person remains. If you want to finish in the Top 100, follow these hot tips from top gamers.
Fighting Game Quips Make All Movies Better (Part 1)
When video game fighters lay down a challenge, they blurt out supposedly badass lines of dialog. These quips just happen to work much better as subtitles for random movies.
Welcome to Don't University: Take Your Free Introductory Lesson Today!
Want to be a Freelance Bomb Disarmer? YouTube Topiary Critic? Horseback Dynamite Tosser? We'll show you how by telling you everything about the job you don't need to know!
President Trump Compliments Video Game Villains
He praises Putin, deifies Duterte, and has nothing but nice things to say about any dictator or war criminal that comes up in conversation. So what does the president think about some of the most evil video game villains of all time?
Morrowind Came Out 15 Years Ago This Week! Let's Relive The Authentic Experience
Meet Jiub, a more relatable character than anyone in Oblivion, Skyrim, or Fallout 4. He has like three lines of dialog and I would die for him in real life without hesitation.
Dialog From The Worst Episode of The Walking Dead
"Don't you get it? What we have to understand is it's them or us. It can't be all of us, or one. It's got to be us, or they become it. Then we lose what makes us we."
Real Life Skills We Learn By Playing Video Games
After inserting quarters and getting swollen joystick thumbs for years, have video game junkies learned anything of value? As a matter of fact, they have!
If It Weren't For These Amateurish Mistakes, Alien Would Be A Classic Movie
No attempt is made to hide the fact that Ripley is the actress Sigourney Weaver. No bandit mask, no hiding her face behind strategically placed palm fronds, etc.
Sponsored Links: Very Hot Games For Men With Boners Only! (Part 9)
Exotic Worlds Are Waiting On The Other Side Of The Screen - Never Be Lonely Again!
From Odyssey to the Switch: The Definitive History of Video Game Consoles
I have all the respect in the world for the fantastic people who host Retronauts, but they are rubes and their hard-earned success should be mine.
Owner's Manual For The 2017 Error Tablet
Included in the box: Error Tablet (1), USB 3/C/Firewire/Ouya Charging Cable (1), Genuine One-Of-A-Kind Pete Harshnish Rookie Card (3)
Mass Effect: Andromeda's Missing Paragon/Renegade Choices
Mass Effect: Andromeda turns its nose up at the original trilogy's rigid morality. It boasts a more nuanced and intellectually compelling shades-of-grey approach in which a heart icon pops up when it's time to tell an alien to take their clothes off.
Video Game Headlines In 2017
Exploring Inequality In Trump's America Through The Lens Of Horizon: Zero Dawn's Melee Attack
SHADOW RUN, Featuring Michael Caine
"For all my education, accomplishments, and so-called wisdom, I can't fathom my own datajack."
Perusing Prime Video's Padded Volumes Part V (Well, Part II)
Paranormal Documetary's and Five Night's At Freddy's Let's Play's... and that's ju'st the icing on the cake!'
Tech Lab On a Budget Presents: Nintendo Switch Stress Test
Like Digital Foundry, iFixit, or an idiot on YouTube awkwardly reading a script while poking at hardware with a boxcutter he's holding the wrong way, I am a hardware expert. Unlike them, I have no money and no access to free review units.
Perusing Prime Video's Padded Volumes
Amazon's Prime video service boasts a library of over 30,000 tv shows and movies. That sure does sound impressive, but for every Green Room or season of Hannibal there are a thousand YouTube-ish Minecraft ASMR Lego reviews. These are the Prime videos that will never appear on the splash page.
What If VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS Starred In Classic Movies???
Doom Guy as Luke Skywalker: Uh! Uh uh uh uh uh! (strafing against a wall)
Conan Exiles Is My First Early Access Survival Game, and I'm the Best at These Things
I have no experience with early access survival games. No holding people at gunpoint, demanding they hand over a can of beans and their underwear. No rummaging through drawers in abandoned buildings for dinosaur eggs.
Meet Prombles, State Og's New Smart Speaker
In the coming days Prombles will completely revolutionize the way we think about useless household devices. With less expensive alternatives like Amazon's Echo and Google Home already on the market, what can our smart speaker offer you, the customer?
If This Offends You...
A true patriot has exactly seven t-shirts, with seven slight variations on a single phrase that tell one powerful story. This is that tale.
How to Hide All Your Illegal Video Game Files
Create a folder on your desktop named Illegal Files. For the purposes of this tutorial, I will assume that you're running Windows 95.
Recommended Links From Around the Web (Part 8)
Only the most relevant and fascinating links, tailored to your interests. Powered by Toolabrain.
The True Cost of a Nintendo Switch, How to Play Hearthstone Like Me
Joy Con Controllers (pair, left and right Joy Con) - $79 Joy Con Controller (left or right) - $49 Joy Con Contr (half of a left or right controller) - $59
Prestigious Cinema Institute Presents: The Greatest Bathroom-Related Films of All Time
The Remains of Bidet (James Ivory, 1993)
If The Dead Zone Happened In Real Life
Stillson's Controversial Actions During Assassination Attempt Draw Some Criticism
Why You Should Play Video Games: An Argument Based Entirely Upon Patent Drawings
Players of all types are welcome, whether they have three heads, a dive mask, no body, or they're two dimensional
Parental Warning: NES Classic Edition
It's the most sought-after toy on the market, but is the NES Mini Classic acceptable for kids? Our experts emphatically say no. All 30 of the system's included games feature scenes that are completely inappropriate for children.
Perfect Insults to Annihilate Fantasy Creatures You Encounter in Everyday Life
"Hey jackass! Here's a free tip: When you donate a bunch of new toys to charity, take the store tags off!"
