Year-End Awards Special
Once again we have arrived at a most magical time, when video game reviewers comb through hundreds of releases to pick the very best. You've been waiting all year for this moment, so let's get right to your nominees for the Video Game Article Year-End Award Logo Award!
The Third Reich's Funniest Assassination Plots
While the events depicted in Valkyrie are incredible, they are also far from unique. Over three dozen attempts on Hitler's life were made during his rise to power and throughout the second World War. To the best of my knowledge, at least ten of them failed.
Duke Nukem 3D
A rumination on kicking, swine in positions of power, and the dangers of steroids.
Eyewitness Account: Incident At Lake Chumwell
I was sitting on the back porch, studying for a big test in my Advanced Metaphor class. It came from the east like a... I don't know. I'm sorry. I can't help. I failed my test. Failed it like a bison.
You Can't Go Home Again
Home delivers so much more than marketing in the guise of social interaction - it also provides yet another layer of abstraction between you and the games you bought a video game system to play.
Missed Career Opportunities For Athletes With Peculiar Names
Millions in the bank. Multitudes of adoring fans. Frequent travel that ultimately results in the donning of spandex and a few hours chasing other adults at near-superhuman speeds. Yeah, I'd say my life is pretty great. Maybe I'll even write an article about it sometime, but today I'd like to talk about athletes that missed their true callings.
Talkdown
Oceanic 816? This is LAX air traffic control, please repeat. Both pilots you say? Go ahead and give them a nudge or a sharp kick. Most of the time when they sprawl on the cockpit floor with their tongues hanging out like that they're just pretending, joking around. No, they're really out? Looks like I'm going to be talking you through this one.
50 Cent: Blood In The Sand
50 Cent faces a force that's infinitely more formidable than an active battlefield and leagues of terrorists: His personal assistant.
Game Store Horror Stories
Offenses - both real and imaginary - must be perceived with crystal clarity and stored in memory for future reference and embellishment, but not responded to in any meaningful way when they actually happen. Dragon shirts must be tucked into grey stonewash jeans.
The Erotic Telegrams Of Samuel Morse
CONSUMED WITH PASSION, I ENTER YOUR ROOM STOP SWEEP THE PILLOWS AND BLANKETS FROM YOUR BED STOP REMOVE THE MATTRESS THEN PUSH THE BED FRAME OUT OF THE ROOM STOP
Pac-Man
If two pastel ghosts with no mouths discuss existential issues in an empty arcade, will it make a sound?
Consolation, U.S.A.
Consolation cannot be found in any atlas, pinpointed on any GPS device, or reliably navigated to with MapQuest. The latter makes it pretty much like any other destination on Earth, but the former qualities hint at the forgotten town's true nature.
100% Legal Online Smoke Shop
Do you need a 21st century online solution for all of your LEGAL smoking needs? We've got all sorts of smoke blends and accessories for discerning customers who are desperate to escape reality but not quite desperate enough to break the law. Our motto is: If you can't find it here, we are sorry!
Left 4 Dead Demo Guide 4 You
Handy Tip: Shoot a zombie in the head for a quick takedown. Shoot a cigar out of a zombie's mouth for a round of applause.
Okami
When the fate of the world depends upon a feral dog's ability to learn complex painting techniques, the world is probably not worth saving.
The NPC Life Expectancy Quiz
You're an NPC, the everyman who keeps his head down and does his best to get through the day without being gibbed by a stray blast of plasma. Despite your best efforts, however, your maximum lifespan is 8-10 hours, with a 35% chance that you will die a gruesome and hopefully entertaining death within the next hour.
Patch Notes: Fallout 3
Removed a bug that was forcing the game into a first-person perspective. Everything should now be working just fine in the 2D sidescroller format that we intended.
America's Funniest Assassination Plots
In addition to serving as a sobering reminder that some people still judge others by race instead of video console preference, this week's thwarted plot to assassinate Barack Obama was refreshingly humorous.
Gears Of War
Marcus Fenix and Augustus Cole: Grizzled killers. Weightlifting buddies. Curse word connoisseurs. Dumbasses.
Internet MILLIONS
Since it has no value in the topsy-turvy economy of reality, your portfolio cannot be touched by IRS AGENTS or REPO MEN or THE CURIOUS HANDS OF TODDLERS. In many ways, your portfolio can be compared to the TRUE STORY of a girl who played HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL after overcoming ADVERSITY and the fact that she was nearly THIRTY FIVE years old.
How To Get A Nintendo Seal Of Quality
In the NES days, the Nintendo Seal Of Quality was a badge of honor for games that had met a high standard of entertainment and production values. Today, it means you remembered to make players wave the Wiimote at some point in your Jonas Brothers game.
Crisis Of Infinite Elves
Close your eyes and picture an elf. Is he tiny and pot-bellied, with a pointed hat and a wry smile? Or maybe he's unusually tall and slender, with Barbie doll hair and a permanent sneer? Amazingly enough, these are both right. If you pictured a large wooden object with branches and leaves, you were way off. That's a dwarf.
Bionic Commando
The second installment of JTH catches up with Bionic Commando's Rad Spencer as he faces off against Master D. Two men enter. One man has a difficult time getting past airport security's metal detector.
Pain For Measure
The Deep Hurting Institute is dedicated to researching the human brain's capacity to receive and interpret pain signals. Each month the facility runs a new series of tests on brave volunteers, and for $14.95 a month members of the Deep Hurting Fan Club receive a glossy poster-sized printout of the results.
Last-Minute Additions To The Bailout Plan
The three branches of government (Presidential, IRS, Oak) have been scrambling to put together a bailout bill to fix America's economic crisis, but some politicians have taken advantage by sneaking in provisions for themselves, such as Bill Nelson's call for "the ability to fly simply by concentrating real hard and yelling at my wife".
The Big, Stupid Fall Release Guide
Welcome to the most hectic time of the year, when many of the most anticipated games begin their Russia vs. Georgia vs. Alaska-like war for holiday season shelf space. There are so many big names that it can be easy to lose one or two in the shuffle, so keep this guide handy.
Half-Life
The first installment of Joystick Token Healthpack, an ongoing webcomic without sassy gamers and their inhuman sidekicks/girlfriends. Each strip takes place inside a different game, sometimes with different jokes.
Peter Parker Writes The News
After years of snapping photographs for the Daily Bugle, Peter Parker tries his hand at journalism and learns that with great power comes greatly increased risk of carpal tunnel syndrome.
Contingency Plans
The United States has contingency plans in place to combat every conceivable threat on the planet. Naturally, these documents can only be accessed by the President, top ranking military personnel, and internet humorists.
Undocumented Powers In Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
In The Force Unleashed you take on the role of Galen Marek, Darth Vader's secret apprentice and force-sensitive Harlem Globetrotter with a repertoire of powers so extensive that the developers ran out of feasible button combinations to execute them.
WAAGH!
Every consecutive offensive skill that the Shaman casts makes his next heal more powerful, and vice versa. This playstyle is often described as a seesaw act, due to the seesaw's reputation as the most powerful piece of spellcasting playground equipment.
Game Reviews In Men's Magazines
How do "gentleman's" magazines that are tailored to cool guy dude brahs review video games long before they come out? Why do they read like 2-paragraph press releases? Read on to find out that I have no idea.
Rule Changes For The 2009 NFL Season
Members of the coaching staff are not allowed to steal play call signals from the opposing team, nor are they allowed to dive and intercept kisses that were clearly blown toward someone else.
Duly Noted
As young Scooter is about to discover, scribbling your deepest feelings on a sweat-dampened note and passing it to the girl of your dreams might not be as smooth as it seems.
Improving The Olympics With 2nd Grade Math
The first in a series of comics demonstrating how basic math can fix anything. Long division is for assholes.
Denis Dyack's Many Concerns
Who's Denis Dyack? Picture Derek Smart with delusions of grandeur, his seething hatred for vending machines redirected at the gaming press. Like Oppenheimer before him, Dyack realizes that his bomb will change the course of human history. The man has many concerns about how his game will change the world. These are but a few.
Top Gear's Top Challenges
There are many reasons for Top Gear's popularity, from the brutally honest reviews to the unparalleled production values and some of the finest humor to come from the United Kingdom since Coldplay's last album.
Mind Your Strip Club Manners
The young ladies who dance in strip clubs make the majority of their money from tips, much like waitresses and congressmen. How do you know when it's appropriate to tip? Wait until your stripper has just finished an impressive feat, such as doing a backflip or intentionally separating her shoulder then popping it back in.
Video Game Cosplay Highlights From Comic Con
As Comic Con continues to grow, the outfits displayed by cosplayers become more elaborate. In turn, our country becomes more deserving of the hatred of people in third world countries who can't afford to buy AIDS-free loincloths, much less a fully-functional Iron Man suit with a custom built 52-inch waist.
The Favre Supremacy
This is the way that Favre ends. This is the way that Favre ends. This is the way that Favre ends. Not with a bang, but an ESPN ticker.
The Complete History Of Video Games
For a whole generation of kids, the Atari 2600 that many of us grew up with seems every bit as ancient as one of those phonographs that had to be cranked for twelve minutes to hear thirty seconds of Thomas Edison humming. This comprehensive account of video game history is for them.
Clash Of The Made-For-TV Movies
The major television networks are locked in an eternal war. The battlefield shifts in favor of one side or another on a nightly basis, but no one ever comes close to total victory or defeat. For fans of conflict and good analogies, it's underwhelming.
Dark Knight Oddities
The Dark Knight is fantastic. For two hours it had me enthralled, temporarily forgetting the Mamma Mia! mania that had captivated my soul and the imaginations of audiences worldwide. That said, a few peculiar scenes seemed to have been affected by Heath Ledger's death.
Defending Your Extra Life
There shall come a time when you will pass from this world to stand before Denis Dyack, who sits in judgment of all souls. When he cracks open the Prima book of your time on Earth, the actions you've taken will determine whether you are granted entrance to video game heaven or doomed to an eternity with N-Gage ports of Superman 64 and Bad Day L.A.
The Complete Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition Player's Handbook
Before getting started with your first adventure with Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition, you'll need three things: #1 - This handbook. #2 - At least one other person. #3 - Your imagination! (Can also be used to replace #2)
The Internet Hates Diablo III
Me: The Witch Doctor looks like a variation of the Necromancer that focuses on infectious diseases and fire instead of death and the art of looking like J. Mascis. The Internet: It's not the Necromancer so I'm not buying the game, even if all the unnanounced classes are the Necromancer.
0-day Release Blog
Welcome to the 0-Day Release Blog, your internet #1 source for info on all scene releases and information news. With current scene releases like the 43-minute Cam Screener version of The Incredible Hulk that was recorded with a cellphone camera, it's easy to see why we're at the best release news information on the blog.
A Moratorium On Bad Features - Part 1
This was supposed to be the next generation for console games, but all we have are slightly better-looking titles being undermined by horrible features. These are the concepts that need to go the way of Flagship Studios' credibility before we can truly move forward.
The Best And Worst Of Sporepedia
Join us as we spotlight the best and worst of Sporepedia, a website featuring user-made creatures that have had more consideration and planning put into their creation than 99% of actual human children.
True Gaming Challenges
For the brave souls who perished while trying to complete an entire season of NBA Live '95 without allowing an opposing team to score a single point, we present these True Gaming Challenges to the current generation of gamers who have been coddled by weak Xbox 360 Achievements.
ESPN Player Profile: Alistaire Olajuwon
Brush up on your knowledge of the PGA Tour's 256th-best golfer with the stats and relevant information that you've come to expect from ESPN. Enter as an Alistaire Olajuwon fan, leave as a veritable fountain of Olajuwonic knowledge.
Hodor's Quality Video Game Weapon Replicas
If your home needs a touch of class or you're looking for that perfect gift for the funeral of a dear friend's infant son, Hodor's Quality Video Game Weapon Replicas is just what you've been looking for.
Gruff Tugwar Versus The Space Communists Part 42
Gruff paced the perimeter of his space-age teflon cell with grim determination. His eyes were flawless blue sapphires in seas of white milk, cool enough to give women goosebumps and sharp enough to slit the throat of an enemy's will.
Patch Notes: Grand Theft Auto IV
Rockstar North would like to thank you for purchasing Grand Theft Auto IV and doing your incredibly small part in the global effort to put a billion dollars into our bank account. Your continued support might just put that Stealth Bomber we've had our eye on within reach.
Browser History X
A clan of primates squabble in the dust of a prehistoric boneyard, unaware of the potential tools that surround them as they bite and claw at one another. This barbaric scene is interrupted by the arrival of a towering rectangular object they have never seen before: a monolithic banner ad for ClassMates.com.
Highlights From Gamespot's User Soapbox
Among the many contributions that Gamespot has made to comedy, its User Soapbox takes the cake. The feature complies with Web 2.0 standards, which dictate that all websites that must incorporate user-created content that no one cares about aside from the people who create it.
The Good News
The scientific community is abuzz with excitement following NASA's recent announcement that a black hole has been discovered in our Milky Way galaxy, and that current projections place our planet in the black hole's event horizon on February 3rd of 2011.
Mr. T Ate My Innocence
"Before all this, I was a promising young testicle model." His hands shake as he lights a twisted stump of a cigarette, its filter stained by the original owner's pink lipstick. "My balls were photographed while resting on stacks of pancakes, bottles of cologne, even upscale cars. They said I was a natural."
Patch Notes: Age Of Conan
Welcome to the open beta for Age Of Conan, the MMO that brings Robert E. Howard's vision to life! New players can jump right into the game, but those of you who took part in the closed beta may wish to familiarize yourself with the changes that have been made in preparation for this open beta.
Sir Rodrik Weymore's Fantastic Write-Typer
My dearest Lady Guinneviere Royceweatherfaire: I hope this letter finds you in good spirits. Our hunt has encountered a few minor setbacks. Three guides were eaten by elephants and a fourth made the mistake of donning a lion's carcass and sneaking about when the party was shooting at passing birds, as is our nightly tradition.
The Final Frontiersman
As I sat in the NASA cafeteria on the last day of space camp prodding at a bowl of Five-Alarm Challenger Chili, the old handyman pushed open the double doors at the opposite end of the room. Although the years had turned his skin into a full body ballsack, the muscles beneath were hard as granite.
Mutant League Fantasy Football
In our first installment of Games That Need To Be Made, Mutant League Football makes a not-so-triumphant return in a spreadsheet-laden title that's designed to appeal to fantasy football degenerates.
The Many Failed Careers Of Slippy Toad
Life after the events portrayed in the Star Fox games was difficult for all members of the squad, but none had as difficult a time blending into the modern workplace as Slippy Toad. These are the tales of his downfall.
Whale Advisory
Print out these tidbits of blue whale knowledge. They may just save your life, especially if you fold them up into the pages of a bible and keep it in your shirt pocket, saving your life when someone with really good aim tries to execute you by shooting you in the heart instead of your head.
Enchanted Eternia Legend: Full Cutscene Script
The newest offering from master jRPG producer Kenji Otawanbi, Enchanted Eternia Legend may not tread new ground as far as gameplay is concerned, but its story stands head and shoulders above Otawanbi's previous efforts Phantasmia Excelsion and Epic Battalia Crossfold.
World Of Warcraft's Most Epic Weapon
Something strange caught my eye as I looted my hundredth centaur of the afternoon. It was an epic rifle, a rarity in itself, but even more incredibly it was an item that had never been documented before. Behold the majesty of the Ol' Dirty Blunderbuss.
Wrestlemania Rostermania
When Wrestlemania XXIV begins tomorrow night, it is estimated that the event will be broadcast via Pay Per View to more than one million households. That number is even more impressive when you consider that double-wide trailers aren't counted twice, as you'd think they would be.
Breaking Sims 3 News
Find out what's in store for the third major installment of Wil Wright's little people simulator that could. In keeping with the series' spirit, I took a whole hour to write these two sentences while rocking from side to side excitedly, my mouth wide open.
FREE World Of Warcraft!
Visit this official form at the official BLIZZARD GAME COMPANY site bluzzard.com/naruto3.html then fill it all out. Gotta give your name, credit card info, that social security number, and detailed description or photograph of your moist zone.
Tech Break: Apple's MacBook Air Is Full Of Hot Circuits
Tech Break is a syndicated column which runs in over three hundred print and internet publications around the world, including Digital Life, PC Compute Beep Beep, and Cat Fancy.
The Unofficial Homie Rollerz Strategy Guide
Sporting a look that screams "I refuse to be grouped in with broad stereotypes", Mac Daddy has an afro, gaudy jewelry, a pimp cup, and a superfluous cane. He makes the perfect choice for skilled players who have never personally come into contact with someone of another race.
Walfred Aynemanor, Modern-Day Alchemist
At first it appeared that there was no reaction at all. Then, madness. A strange sort of noise began to fill up the room, like the amplified fluttering of a moth's blood-drenched wings. It carried with it a sense of dread that I have never felt outside of a Waffle House bathroom stall.
Guinness Book Of Internet Records
Widely considered the strongest man on the internet, Magnus Powerman of Stockholm, Sweden ripped YellowPages.com in half using his keyboard's Print Screen button and the Rectangular Marquee tool in Photoshop.
The Cuban Missive Crisis
I have contributed many articles to this newspaper over the years, ruminating on the important issues that affect our great country with such hard-hitting pieces as "Bread Is Better When It Is Warm", "Anyone Seen The New Bionic Woman?", and "Tracksuits: Sure Wish I Had Found Out About Them Sooner". Today's announcement might just top all of them.
Highlights From The Game Developers Conference
Breaking News From The Game Developers Conference
Parents Beware!
Today's children face many dangers and perversions on the road to becoming sheltered adults. One day they're fending off peer pressure to join an online space rape orgy fantasy in the video game Mass Effect, and the next day they're doing their best to resist the sinful temptations of exotic body sprays.
Gamecock's Agenda For 2008
Gamecock, the wacky game publishers who get more press for their calculated antics than any game they've put out, sets its agenda for 2008.
What I've Learned From The Biggest Loser
In time, I discovered that the human body's movelist is more diverse than "lie down", "go to the kitchen" and "shake your head 'no' when your friends ask if you want to go swimming".
2nd Grade AP Reading Exam
I used to think that books were fun, but my high school english teachers set me straight. Each and every word that an author puts to paper, you see, is actually symbolic of at least eighteen different concepts. Unless you take extensive notes and give yourself an ulcer straining to find this symbology, you won't be getting the full experience.
Team Fortress 2 Achievements Anyone Can Get
Do those last few impossible-to-get achievements in Team Fortress 2 haunt you every time you log in? In a blatant ripoff of Photoshop Phriday, this week we're featuring goon-created TF2 achievements that pretty much any player could get.
Golfweek Retractions
Golfweek would like to retract last week's review of the new Big Bertha driver club. The article, consisting of nothing but ASCII Garfield caricatures, was a rough draft. We apologize to anyone who may have bought the club as a result of this misleading review.
Numbers You'd Rather Not Know
What if I told you that every job is connected to a very specific number that - once considered - would never leave the forefront of your mind? That simply knowing what this number signifies would be enough to eat away at your very very soul until you found a new line of work or pressed your face into a paper shredder?
Coming Soon: Phrenetic
Read our exclusive leaked script of the Phrenetic trailer and confirm what we've been telling you for months - this upcoming George Clooney vehicle will blow the doors off every phrenology-centric film that came before it. If this were Ain't It Cool News, these letters would be way too big.
Mega Man Box Art: The Legend Continues
Although the box art from the North American release of Mega Man is infamous, not much is known about the artist's further works. Did he ever paint again? Have any other game boxes been graced with his work? We have the answers - and the pictures to prove it.
The Lying Game
The contest: Write an essay and win tickets to a sold-out Hannah Montana concert. The winner: A six year old girl who wrote about her serviceman father's death to a roadside bomb in Iraq. Unfortunately, the girl's father is alive and unexploded in Texas. I'll leave it to you to decide which fate is more desirable.
