After seeing all the various lumps of Appleton shit sitting on their laps and asking for the newest Star Wars toys, I don't blame the Secret Santa Society for getting loaded in between shifts.

"Mmmmmm! You taste like BALD!"

With that look in his coke-bottle glasses, it's obvious Steve Maynard is thinking of getting the power up and winning the game. You go and work your computer magic, you fat hairy slob!

Hotel plumber Mickey Thomas comes back from playing his favorite game, "Plumbing for Retards." You'd be surprised what kind of dirtbags live in the Appleton City sewer system.

Speaking of Appleton City sewer system freakjobs, The Green Goober shown here was flushed down around 1993 by yours truly. I don't know what the hell I ate the night before releasing this thing from my rotten bowels, but I assume it was some really fucking awful Mexican food.

Why the hell do all these teenage computer bozos always like those stupid Japanese cartoons? I mean, Jesus, it's bad enough all you do is think about getting the power up and winning the game, but cartoons too?!? Come on you little dipshits. Go out and get a real job like I did when I was your age, instead of sitting around and talking about your Japanese cartoon shows. When I was your age, I shoveled coal into a steam engine all day long for 22 hours a day, and I was only paid one dollar a week. Then I spent all that money on war bonds, not Japanese cartoons. I don't even think there were cartoons back then. Or the Japanese. What we need is another goddamn war to straighten you little peckers out.