Today on The Discovery Channel: "West Appleton Mutants in the Wild." The show really gets good when the drunk rednecks sweep in and start unloading buckshot into these worthless bags of trash. Mutant Hunting is legal in Appleton City, at least according to me, but who the hell would want to bag one of those freakshows? I'd imagine the face alone would be enough to give you nightmare flashbacks until the day you drop a round of 9mm shells into your decaying brain.

HELL YES! Finally, all the goddamn gender confusion in North Appleton pays off. Seeing this picture was the fucking highlight of my day, except for when the new Penthouse came and I saw they printed my letter in the back. I asked them if it's normal to want to bust up furniture and shit when I hit the motherload during sex. The last time I had sex and hit the motherload, I ended up totally dismantling the woman's refrigerator and throwing her into the TV set. I had to go home to watch the end of "Law and Order" that night. Her TV set was crappy anyway. I only got $20 when I stole it and sold it.

Arnold Hayward reacts to my newest mixed drink concoction, "Beer and 409 Surprise." It's the perfect beverage to go with my famous Gutbuster Brownies, which you may refuse to eat, but I'll make sure they end up inside your body.

COMMANDER LUMPY: "Please enter my spaceship, Earthling! It is the highschool gymnasium. WE HAVE CONQUERED THE CHESS CLUB."

The head librarian at the North Appleton public library, Pete "The Horsefucker" Harness. He rides a Harly Davidson motorcycle, which is American made, God bless his soul. Unfortunately he's been a little loopy ever since he drove into the back of Maynard Albertson's septic tank. Oddly enough, he actually smells better now.

The newest fashion trend in Appleton City: dresses made from Shlitz pull-tabs. Lookin' good there, Esmerelda.