Andy Sellers used to live in one of those high-rise apartments looking over downtown West Appleton. I got loaded and evicted him via the window one night. His TV set sold for $500. It was one of those flat screen things with all the jacks in the back. I don't know how the hell to work that crap. My son does, because that's the only thing he spends all day doing, watching DVs and movies on TV. I told him to get a goddamn job and he said he had a job, so I told him to get another job. Maybe one where he's exposed to enemy gunfire.

BLIMPY BARBARA : "Honey, may I tell you a secret?"

UGLY AL : "Yes dear?"

BLIMPY BARBARA : "I've been cheating on you with another man."

UGLY AL : "So have I."

Garage Bandit James McElrod. He lurks under the stairway and tries to lick your shoes when you pass by. While most Appleton City residents enjoy and encourage this type of activity, I much rather prefer ramming a combat boot down his throat. One time I flew an Apache helicopter and gunned down a bunch of VCs and VCS disguised as kids drinking water.

Oh cheer up, Slothy! One day a princess will kiss you and you'll turn into a handsome prince! Or you'll get thrown in jail for attempted rape. I don't really give a shit.

And this is why I never visit the hospital. I don't want to go in for a broken arm and leave with the lyrics from Mary Mason's newest record tattooed on my ass.


STUFF THE SEAHAG AND WIN A PRIZE! The prize is being able to walk away without bite marks on your thighs.