Stop eating and change my goddamn oil, you ugly Jiffy Lube cretin.

The mutants plot an underground resistance in the basement of the East Appleton Library. I didn't bother showing up to crash the party, because I knew they'd be too fucking stupid to remember how to get out. Not a single one of them has left since 1982. I oughtta go down there some day and pry the jewelry and wallets off their corpses.

Kitchen Ninja detects a disturbance in the Force!

"ROWWWRRRRR! No really baby, you're the only one in my life! Those other cats mean nothing! ROOOOOOWWWWWRRR!"

Fondling this statue is the closest Allen McNamara ever got to touching a woman, besides the lady cop that busted him for sexually assaulting the statue later in the night. Go back to living in your parents' attic and writing Dungeons and Dragons novels, you worthless braindead bastard.

City Councilman Jay Bennet. I would say "Dont blame me, I voted for the other guy," but the "other guy" is currently serving a 5 year sentence in the state pen for writing death threats to the President with his own shit.