I CUCKED My Routine For the SNOWFLAKES In the Catskills Audience and Boy Are My Arms TRIGGERED
Tired of the liberal protests, I have decided to rewrite my ENTIRE comedy routine.
The Night Before Catsmas
Twas the night before Catsmas, and all through the land; Theaters downloaded patches, to fix Judi Dench's hand
Introducing the Xbox Wii U
Sure, the primary source of inspiration for the new Xbox's design was clearly a box of saltine crackers, but I'm into it. Lay that thing on its side on a shelf below a sound bar and you've got... well you've got two long rectangles near one another. Seems like a nice enough thing to have.
A Complete List of Mayor Pete's McKinsey Clients
What was Mayor Pete doing at McKinsey? Find out in this exclusive breakdown of the details!
A Typical Day In The Something Awful Office
12AM: Board a personal hyperjet for lunch at Super Olive Garden, the Olive Garden that lays a slice of American cheese on top of every plate of pasta whether you like it or not
The Terminator Resistance Tunnel Message Board
REMINDER: If you leave a skull lying around up on the surface it will get robo-stomped for sure. We've all seen how much those robots love to crush a cranium beneath a mechanical heel and glare around dramatically. Keep your skulls on shelves, people!
I'm Socially Liberal, Fiscally a Billionaire
It is time someone finally speak to the most important demographic in this election!
Move Aside, Baby Yoda - More Star Wars Babies Are Coming!
If you love Baby Yoda, you're going to lose your minds for Baby Sarlacc Pit and Baby Trade Federation Senate Tax Blockade.
Who Is Google Stadia For?
Google's Stadia launched this Tuesday to a level of fanfare that has not been seen since the Ouya. So who is the audience for this $130 video game streaming-but-not-how-you-think not-console?
The Fifty Deadliest Mushrooms
Excitement grows over mushroom hunting season! But watch out for these 50 deadly mushrooms!
Red Dead Redemption 2 PC Troubleshooting
Downgrade your motherboard's BIOS to an earlier version. Update your motherboard's BIOS to a version from the future. Remove your motherboard.
The most uplifting news stories of 2019
The news have you bummed out? These stories from 2019 will lift you up!
But How Will We Pay For It?
"BUT WHERE WILL WE GET ALL THE LAB COATS AND MICROSCOPES?" - A concerned person asking questions while everyone else hurried to invent science without considering the implications
Popular Regional Halloween Candies, By Region
If you're up north enjoy some S'more Easters, but if you're in the southwest don't forget the Marshmalamos.
Together With The Mayor Pete Enjoying The Sweet Baby Ray's
Mark Zuckerberg is here to elect The Mayor Pete and chew meat fibers with Sweet Baby Ray's.
My Entire Life Is Structured Upon Arcade Flyer Text
I have internalized a handful of beautiful passages from arcade game flyers as my personal tenets. These words shape my life every day. They define who I am and what I do.
NBA Players Must Not Make Political Comments About Necro Hell
Adam Silver updates the NBA rules about commenting on Necro Hell after the Necro King asked him to saw Daryl Morey in half with a rusty pendulum.
My (House's) Water Broke!
Last Friday I crept downstairs at 5 am as usual and made coffee, then turned on my PC only to realize I was standing in water. This was different than the computer sweat that usually pools beneath my desk.
MAFIARAVE!!! (Part 7)
World #1 Strengthman Hyurgi Tigerwoods has MAFIARAVE in Odessa and he is inviting you to RAVE!!!
EXCLUSIVE: A More Deeper Look at the PlayStation 5
At launch, at least one video game will be available. The idea is that people who purchase the PlayStation 5 might also purchase a software to use on the system.
Flu Season is Here to Finally Free the Fortunate From This Hell
30,000 people die from the flu every year and if you are lucky you could be one of them!
An Email From the Front Line of the Second American Civil War
I know how strongly American Civilization now leans on the triumph of treason and how great a debt we owe to he who went before us through the blood and sufferings of the Mild And Accurate Criticisms. And I am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this president, and to pay that debt.
Mr. President, It May Be Time to Call Upon Saudi Arabia to Use Their Orb
With his presidency in danger, it is time for the president to use the Saudi orb!
For My Money, I Spit On Your Grave 23 Is Where The Franchise Began To Lose Steam
I Spit On Your Grave 14: I'm On A Seagrave Diet... When I See Your Grave I Spit On It!
We Can All Agree This Is Spider-Man's Best Costume
"Whatever." The word that defined a generation. The rallying cry of Generation X. The mantra of Generation Surge. Peter Parker said it first, while wearing his best costume.
I AM PREPARED TO OFFER MY HUSBANDLY DUTIES TO MRS. PALIN
MRS. Palin is MRS no more and now she is back on the market and I am here to help make her an honest woman again.
Folks, This Is Your Pilot Speaking
Folks, this is your pilot. Does anyone back there have a head bandage and one of those thermometers with the bulbous end that pops when the temperature reaches the top?
The premises for all seven seasons of Jack Ryan on Amazon
Amazon has already planned out seven seasons of their Jack Ryan series! And we have the scoop on the details!
Patch Notes: The Jeremy Renner App
Jeremy Renner Official - the official Jeremy Renner app of record - has been updated to version 1.9431.0001. This update makes a number of improvements for all users, from casual fans to super users using our experimental nightly builds.
Bret Stephens writes an angry letter to Chuck E. Cheese about an employee's tweet
Bret Stephens does not have a tiny bug dick, Mr. Cheese. This is worse than the Holocaust.
What Happens In Your Computer Every Time You Click Your Mouse
CAPTAIN: Prepare firing tube A. Ready firing tube B in case this spirals out into a double-click scenario. We don't want to be caught with our pants down.
Here’s what’s coming to Crackle in September
Find out what is coming to America's 19th most popular streaming service.
Five Household Tools Everyone Should Own
Down-Only Ladder: Simply jump up to the top rung, then enjoy the smoothest downward climb of your life. Ideal for home projects that require you to be on the ground.
Behold the Suffering of the Amazon FC Cenobites
If pain is pleasure and suffering is wisdom then who can deny the knowledge of the Amazon Fulfillment Center's Cenobites?
Boy Howdy There Are Some BIG CHANGES Coming to Something Awful!
I have been writing on this web site for half my life. That's longer than I've been alive! That's also longer than our target audience - widower toddlers with $400,000.00 in disposable income - has been alive. If we're going to tap into that young demographic we need to make some serious changes.
What if Disney Princesses Were Punisher Skull Decals?
Which Punisher Skull would these Disney princesses place on the back of their black pickup truck?
Let's Escape Our Terrible World For One Moment, And Focus On My Terrible Dog
This is my fourteen year old pug, Oscar. As you can plainly see, he's a grade A jerk. A real butthole of a dog. Twenty eight pounds of no good idiot.
If These Details Aren't In Netflix's Witcher Series, What's the Point?
Geralt tries to loot a barrel in a peasant's hut but gets no prompt. He runs backwards, then turns around and comes in for a second approach, magically blowing out a candle instead.
The Thrilling Characters You Need to Know in the New Cats Movie
This new Cats movie looks disgustingly good! But do you know about all the cats? Let us bring you up to speed!
Unfortunate Last Words
Wait. Which bottle contains the fruit punch and which one contains the lethal poison that is identically colored and flavored? I'll drink this one. I'm like 51% sure it's the fruit punch.
I disavow this dang lynch mob I assembled outside the sheriff's office
There's fixin' to be a hangin' at the sheriff's office and I disavow all involvement in it.
An Ode to the Sneezing Dinosaur From Contra: Hard Corps
A cybernetic wolf man with sunglasses. A snaggletoothed dinosaur. One fateful sneeze. A tale as old as time.
I Just Watched the First Nine Friday the 13th Movies For the First Time
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan was the wrong title for this movie. It should have been called Jason Spends 70 Minutes on a Boat Then 20 Minutes On a Dark Dock Then 10 Minutes In Some Sewers.
Jeff Foxworthy's Fourth of July You Might Be a Nazi Jokes for Border Patrol
If your response to kids dyin' in your cages is to complain that the kids shouldn't have made you put them in your cages in the first place...... you might be a Nazi.
Barcade Fly
My hands are shaking as I stumble into Blippy's Tavern. I'm not sure if it's alcohol withdrawals or a mild seizure from the Astro Fighter cabinet, but the migraine throbbing in my skull like the Contra jungle theme tells me it's probably the former.
The Only Pop Culture Building Conversion Chart You'll Ever Need!
Quarts to cups. Cups to ounces. Converting all those measurements is such a headache! That's why I have this handy chart comparing titular buildings in pop culture.
Why Aren't More Millennials Worshipping the God-Emperor?
Like any child growing up in the 80s, my parents and schoolteachers taught me the importance of respecting and obeying the Emperor of Mankind, lest I be cast aside to suffer all eternity in the warp. Unfortunately, recent polls have shown that millennials are abandoning these sacred tenets, choosing to lead a life of heresy amongst the xenos.
Marianne Williamson's Address to the World on Idependence Day (ID4)
Spend this July 4th by meeting fear with love and joining the world in celebrating Halloween. The day we take back the world for all children.
I Made Fun of My Computer, Then Lightning Destroyed It
A few weeks ago I made some jokes at the expense of my decrepit PC. Last Monday a karma-shaped bolt of lightning struck the side of my house and blasted that computer to smithereens.
Petition to Force Nintendo to Restore Tifa's Huge Breasts in the FF7 Remake
Join my petition to force Nintendo to FIX Tifa's breasts in the FF7 Remake!!
WEPOWR: Our Free Speech Social Media Site Will Thank You for Using the N-Word
No censorship! No demonetization! It is time for the people to rise up and form a truly free social media website!
This Pizza Took Me Eight Years To Make
What you'll need: Pizza ingredients. Six out of ten people prefer the taste of a pizza with ingredients to that of a pizza without ingredients.
New SAFETY Rules for Operating an Abortion Clinic in Missouri
Women must be SAFE in the last Missouri abortion clinic, so that is why the men on the Missouri Women's HEALTH & SAFETY council have come up with some new rules.
My PC Is So Old
My video card was good five years ago and now only produces unwanted artifacts, which makes it indistinguishable from Valve.
That New Alien Tabletop RPG Seems Familiar
Holding high a gnarled staff wreath with holly, an elf summons the fury of the storm and calls down explosive bolts of lightning to smite the torch-carrying ALIENS who threaten her forest.
Could Chernobyl Have Been Prevented With CBD Oil?
The disaster at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant might have been mitigated if CBD oil had been given to the Soviet heroes.
My Favorite Scenes From The Thing, Good Will Hunting, and Jaws
I only tolerate movies because they contain movie scenes, which I love.
PETITION: We Demand HBO Remake the Final Season of Game of Thrones and Rewrite Daenerys as Our Girlfriend
If HBO ever wants us to watch their channel again they will listen to our demands!
20 Things You Simply MUST Do Before You Die
Before you die, I highly recommend reading the book How to Halt Aging Completely and Live Forever
Jeep Things You Wouldn't Understand
There are other cars and then there are Jeeps. You wouldn't understand.
TrustworthyUnboxingGamer's Ultimate Video Guide to Playing This Video
Hey guys what's going on. TrustworthyUnboxingGamer here with another video guide for you. Today I'm gonna show you how to watch this video.
Let's Give That Sonic the Hedgehog Movie a Chance
Let people enjoy things or so help me god...
TV Exists to Give Us Dinner Table Cast Photo Tableaus
We don't want television shows. We just want the stars of those television shows to pose at a table, like one of them paintings.
Which Death Would be the Most Shocking on the Next Game of Thrones?
Which death would you be the most shocked to see on the next Game of Thrones? Find out!
The Drawbacks of Being Impaled by a Steel Beam
Months of watching what you eat. Getting more exercise. It finally felt like your body was heading in the right direction. Now you weigh an additional four hundred pounds. Back to awkwardly wearing a t-shirt in the pool!
Mitt Romney's Reaction to the Revelation That Our Alien Rulers Are Here to Eat Humans
Resistance Leader Mitt Romney takes a heroic stand on the data tapes containing the truth about the agenda of our alien overlords.
This Next Order Could Save the Jumpsuit Factory
WARNING: This article could have spoilers about the movie Us. I'm not 100% sure.
Things That Go Through Your Head When Your Air Conditioner Dies
No one in the history of the world has suffered as much as I am suffering right now, laying on my couch under a ceiling fan and unenthusiastically flipping through my streaming service watch lists.
P...please do not elect the coffee man
Gentle Creature offers his concerns about the candidacy of Starbucks founder Howard Schultz and endorses an alternative.
The Criterion Channel's Launch Lineup Is a Dream for Film Lovers
The Criterion Channel has launched, a streaming service with an enormous library of meticulously curated films. Which Punisher movie will you watch first?
New Company Policies in Place at EA
In order to bring morale back to standard levels, please consider following these new mandatory directives, the not following of which will result in loss of job.
Optional Upgrades for Your Upcoming Flight
Fly and pay in luxury with our collection of complimentary-class offerings.
MOTHERFUCKIN BARR DAWG GOT ME THAT FULL REPORT
Levi Johnston is given sole custodianship of the Mueller Report and provides his own summary.
What They're Saying During NBA Timeouts
Coach: Okay guys, come here. Don't make it obvious that I'm asking this but which basket are we shooting at? I got turned around for a second.
Our Sheriff's Office Draculas Can Prepare You for the Terror of an Active Shooter
In the wake of criticism, White County Indiana is employing new tactics to prepare the community for active shooters.
Tacky and Hideous: The Erotic World of Limited Edition Consoles
Never before has a piece of consumer hardware so perfectly captured the feeling of hiding a boner while browsing the airbrushed t-shirt stall at a county fair!
There's a Guy On Survivor Called The Wardog
I'm pretty sure it's not his birth name. It's hard to imagine any parent hoping their baby's future involves wardogging and all the responsibilities that wardogging entails.
How to prepare for the grueling democratic primary
How many Lin Manuel Miranda songs can you endure during the democratic primary?
The Preamble to Every Online Recipe
There's nothing more scrumptuous than the most perfectest chocolate chip cookie! This recipe is so easy and quick you won't believe it! As you know, my hubby Bowden is a lumberjack-turned-Christian-supermodel.
I Cut the 'Big Five' Tech Giants From My Life. Now I Talk to My Grandpa's Ghost on Orkut.
A Gizmodo writer decides to block Apple, Facebook, Google, Amazon, and Microsoft. She discovers a hidden realm of ghosts trapped in the early mid-2000s on Orkut.
Editorial: Jeers to the Sky Orb
I've got something to say about that sphere in the sky: norb thanks.
Lendarr the Credulous
The slabs of his muscles glistening in the torchlight, Lendarr prowled the abandoned mine. He sought a treasure guarded by an ancient evil beyond measure - even if you used two large measuring devices laid end to end.
Underrated Stand-Up Comic Sitcoms of the 2000s
100% dad. 100% husband. 10% incorporeal. Sundays on Fox it's: Mohr or Less
We can show you a real egg, can others?
McDonald's is boasting about their egg. Can the competition show you an egg? Find out!
Your Oscars Best Picture 2019 Guide from Someone Who Doesn't Watch Movies
With eight movies fighting for Oscar gold, which one will win? I don't know! But you don't either.
Challenging Literature For You, Too Read
Any forum poster worth their salt will gladly inform you (without being asked) that genre fiction is, in fact, garbage for children. You are not reading a real book unless it is difficult and mildly unpleasant. Test your READING MACHISMO with these truly challenging works.
The lives of the people on thispersondoesnotexist.com
The website thispersondoesnotexist.com generates a new realistic human face every time you load the page. Convincing people with convincing lives.
A Trip to Old Console Hell, and What I Found There
All I wanted was an indigo GameCube and a white PS2 slim. What I got... was the adventure of a lifetime!
A supplementary list of images of Jeff Bezos obtained by The Enquirer
The Enquirer attempts to extort Jeff Bezos with a new list of compromising images obtained by the tabloid newspaper.
Advice for Your Electric Scooter Rental
Welcome to the exciting world of wheeled scooting!
Patch Notes: The Internet
Today the internet has been patched to version 1.04, addressing various issues and introducing several quality of life features. If you are still running 1.03 you may need to restart your device before these changes take effect.
I am deeply sorry if I offended anyone by constantly being a racist in my twenties
Virginia Governor Ralph Northam has changed since his mid-twenties and no longer wears blackface regularly.
Schultz 2020: Don't Take My Money
To my fellow Americans, I have one simple message: I'm not paying for any of this.
You eat sorghum now
The confusion has ended. Sorghum is what you eat.
How to Install Uninstaller Pro
Double-click UninstallerUninstallerUninstaller.exe to remove UninstallerUninstaller.exe and UninstallerUninstallerUninstaller.exe from your computer.
Randy Pitchford's Medieval Times USB Drive
Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford lost a USB drive filled with sensitive company secrets and pornography in a Medieval Times. We obtained a directory listing of the entire drive.
If You Want to Keep 1000 Corpses in Your House that is OK
Tidying expert and joy sparker Marie Kondo responds to critics who were outraged that she would tell people to reduce the number of corpses in their house.
Since When is the Heil Hitler Salute a Bad Thing?
Iowa Congressman Steve King reflects on how our PC culture is limiting arm speech.
A Copy of Dude, Where's My Country? Responds to Tidying up with Marie Kondo
A valuable possession pleads for its life.
Thunderdome's Alternate Game Modes
Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves: A slight variation on the standard format. In this, one of the two men turns around immediately and exits the Thunderdome without incident.
Robocop didn't always use toilets
We know you've been wondering about Robocop's bathroom situation and we are happy to provide you with answers!
New Year, New Salt Lick
Remove the salt lick from your kitchen. It is stuffed in your bread box, directly on top of your bread. Your bread is squished. It is flat and compressed into a gummy substance unsuitable for sandwiches. Do not feel bad. Your bread knew what it was signing up for. It was either you or the bread.
