"Meat. All types of meat. Gravies, too. Every kind of gravy. Meats with gravies. Broth, pure unfiltered broth. Every meat in my mouth right now, gravy oozing out." -Champ
The new widescreen HD remaster of The Wire sounded like a safe bet, given series creator David Simon's close involvement with the conversion. Did you catch last weekend's marathon? Some of the changes struck me as odd, but I want to run them by you guys to make sure I'm not overreacting.
What do you see in your year in review? A tragedy? A vacation? Strange and terrifying things? Yes!
Time magazine wanted to eliminate a few words. We have a better idea and these words have got to go in 2015.
The 17-century battle between Santa Claus and Satan reaches an unfortunate peak.
The unSlender Man is a humanoid male with a rotund belly and jocular disposition. He is described as wearing a red suit with white trim and a matching hat. While it is rare to catch a glimpse of the unSlender Man, victims say his footprints in the snow are visible for days after his visits. Thats right, you guessed it- idts the big man Santa Claus.
We get it. Diligence and/or consideration aren't your strong suits.
The 2014 Steam Holiday Sale is upon us! Find out which games you will buy this year and absolutely never play.
Mothers, Danzig warned you in general terms about his nefarious intentions. Now find out what he specifically intends.
Makes baby look too appetizing. Also I have my thigh stuck in one and I can't get it off. It's so tight around the skin I can't cut it without risking injury. IT'S A LONG STORY AND IT'S NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX.
Starting a company is difficult for anyone - doubly so if you happen to be a monster. Make the most of your unique situation with a clever business name to catch the customer's eye.
Jump Street stars and infamous emailers Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill review some of the biggest movies in theaters now.
We have an exclusive leak of twelve more Star Wars character cards from The Force Awakens!
One CIA operative finds fault with his colleague's whimsical version of enhanced interrogation.
Scientists have identified many issues with the Monty Hall Problem, such as the fact that even after taking the best choice, there's still a chance you might lose. Some scientists have also criticised the Monty Hall problem after successfully solving it, and then being told that the prize was made up.
Step One: Be a total asshole
Discovery's special featuring naturalist Paul Risolie donning a suit of rejected Halo armor and being very slightly "eaten" by a python needs to become a series.
Surrendering to police can be dangerous for black men. These tips might just save a life.
The unexamined life is not worth living, which is why it's important to live your life in front of a webcam, where it can be examined by hundreds of lonely men. But like any fine art, camming has its do's and don'ts.
All these idiot women saying we are misogynists need to get a clue. #GulperGate is about protecting something precious and important: the flow of water. This is once again the actions of a radical feminist pushing her standards on the local drinking fountain community, which by pure coincidence, is made up entirely of single men.
The first Matrix film didn't expand my worldview. It established my worldview. The Matrix introduced concepts I had never thought about before: Reality, computers, religion, social issues.
If you're looking for a Cyber Monday bargain, and you're a weirdo, you can't do better than these fantastic deals.
In case you read my profile online and got excited, I wanted to clear up any misunderstandings.
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.
gee, sun, thanks for life and warmth and light. you totally did it on purpose and aren't just a stupid exploding deathtrap
You say collaboration like it's a bad word.
The ocean is full of the stuff of nightmares and, no thanks to all that water, you can't even kill it with fire.
You Will Read This Headline. Then You'll Laugh. Then You'll Realize You Were Wrong All Along.
'We’re going to be in trouble!' Little Sister wailed, clutching her favorite book to her chest and sobbing. 'This isn’t fun like a story anymore!' But Big Sister was not listening, she was thinking. She grabbed Little Sister’s book from her and ran into town, yelling 'Help! A book made me and my sister hurt someone!'
I've been wanting to meet you all for the past few weeks, but I guess I cut an intimidating figure. I'm the new guy, with the cool job you've all surely been gossiping about. Yep, I'm the Lead Loremaster, and I'm here to enrich everything we do with much-needed lore.
Internet bullies have been ganging up on Assassin's Creed: Unity, claiming it's full of glitches. You might have seen a few screenshots that looked a little weird out of context.
America's voice of scientific reason goes on a twitter tirade over the scientific accuracy of the possessed doll film Annabelle.
We have curated a garden full of superior vegetables for you this rooftop growing season.
After nearly 25 years on the air, and recent pairings with Family Guy and Futurama, The Simpsons are getting ready to crossover with an unlikely group: themselves.
People don't tend to think much about their choice of [product associated with brand], so even the smallest thing can stick in someone's head and influence their choice. If someone wants to eat pizza, they're going to make their choice based on... let's say... which pizza is funniest. Oooh, the funny pizza, let's buy the funny pizza, from on-line!
Buy one pilot lesson, get all the refried beans you can hold in your hands for the duration of the lesson free!
Temperature down 10 degrees, calorie count up 10,000.
The time-honored art of creeps using lines to pick up women at clubs is not for the thoughtful.
Sure, he made us forget he exists, but when you remember him you will realize he has done so much more.
Sometimes I'd get bullied while driving the driver's ed car. The guy behind me would give me a wet willy so hard that his finger would poke through my eardrum and into my skull, damaging the part of my brain that processed depth and time.
There ain't nobody tough enough to make Stone Cold Steve Austin eat his veggies! No one in that damn locker room. No one in this whole damn arena. No on in the entire damn universe has the muscles to open my mouth and make me chew on a damn broccoli.
Paying your respects isn't the only use for your F key at a military funeral. Impress your friends with these interactive tricks in Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare.
Take an exclusive look inside the new Terminator: Genisys film that has the Internet buzzing.
This isn't about harassment. It's about ethics in cat journalism.
A cared for collection of second long subversive kinks found in Hollywood releases, saved forever in 240p.
The world's most popular battery review site can host some fairly spirited debate about batteries.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
Call of Duty Advanced Warfare promises to up the ante on Kevin Spacey's face in a video game.
Take a journey to the haunted end of the uncanny valley with these terrifying and just plain terrible youtube videos for children.
The hermit crab of retail shares his business secrets.
As an aspiring pro gamer [with many industry ties], I've been working on my own competitive Super Smash Bros strategy, which accounts for spacing, matchup, meta, combo, all that sort of good stuff. If you study my guide and keep your eyes on the prize, you just might be able to hold your own in December, when the Wii U version is released!
To fully comprehend the separation between the have and have-nots in the ALCS and the NLCS, we must compare to realms beyond baseball.
Naming a baby is hard, so take it easy and use one of these twenty popular baby names. We give you the whole story behind each one.
The dreams and aspirations of all mankind can unite to lift about two dozen rich people into the heavens.
Howard the Wolf Man and I had a little Airbnb mishap with a human. She ran to the police and long story short, Howard and I got arrested. We convinced them it was all a joke, so they let me go, but then they ran Howard’s prints and got a match from the crime scene back when he shot Masked Slasher. The bail is super huge you guys, please help! ASAP!
Dogspotting is the act of assigning points to the dogs you see in your daily travels, and it's the world's fastest growing sport. Orthodox Rules make dogspotting even more fun and challenging with additional bonuses, penalties and multipliers.
Look at this asshole.
Did you know Bill Gates caused Ebola? No? That's because you're not letting the Internet keep you informed about the dangers of this dreaded illness.
Was Google+ getting crowded? Want to reconnect with the two people on Facebok who were talking about Ello? Our manifesto will change the way you view social networks.
A broadcasting legend pleads with the world of the living.
The human anatomy is home to more than three hundred organs. Doctors and chocolatiers agree that the vast majority of these revolting lumps of tissue serve little to no function. If you find yourself standing in a long line or stuck at the airport waiting for a delayed flight, consider taking a few minutes to remove the following from your person.
Do you have what it takes to make it on the ballot?
Tomorrow's tech headlines you never want to see, before you have to see them.
Tonight airs the big crossover of stew and bart! See these exclusive screenshots!
If you're heading somewhere in a convoy, you can probably use these lesser known trucker songs.
Hear the man out. His ideas for stopping ISIS feature more action figure potential than any other plan to date.
Cons: Have to leave camp to steal batteries, sometimes catch a glimpse of my reflection in spatula and recoil at the terrible thing I've become. Very difficult to receive packages at my current location.
‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.
Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.
The first time "fast", "decisive", and "efficient" could have been used to describe the Minecraft development team was when they snatched the $2.5 billion dollar check out of Microsoft's sweaty, shaking hand.
Paleo guru and definite non-idiot Luke K. clears the air about some of your favorite pumpkin treats this holiday season. Also he weighs in on the controversy surrounding a paleo wedding cake.
One wizard thinks our President's magic control initiatives have gone too far.
Are we not allowed to be real parents anymore? We may have feared the CyborFreaks, but we damn well respected them and learned about boundaries.
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
U2 and Apple have conspired to place a U2 album into your music in the year 2014. You own a U2 album. And you can't get rid of it.
Face it, bro, you're never going to get a hot babe with us around. We're the bad boys. It is definitely our fault women don't like you.
SEO stands for sEarch Engine Optimization and it means you use a lot of words to pull the wool over google's eyes! EXAMPLE: Site 1 uses the meta tag ‘keyhole’ for its locksmith page. It gets 200 hits per day. Meanwhile, site 2 uses meta tags like ‘lock gamer humor’ and ‘lock hair growth gaza.’ It gets 200 hits per day as well - yeah, 200 thousand.
A bobby goes bad in this obscene UK remake of 1992's Bad Lieutenant.
PREPARE for a voyage of electronic proportions at the speed of sound! I am Digitalario Futurebits, your humble tour guide through the newly opened World Wide Web. Your navigator of this netscape, if you will.
You thought you knew everything about hot-and-cold sex hunk Christian Grey? Think again. There are 50 things you didn't know. Shades, if you will. Sex shades.
One of Hollywood's greatest stars yearns for the day his body will be in demand.
Over the last few weeks an outnumbered but brave group of men calmly used facts and logic to conclusively prove that women are ruining video games with their lustful object bodies. But there are other threats to everything gamers hold dear.
Sleeping with AC is at this point a basic human right. But if you're one of the doomed souls forced to deal with global warming on a nightly basis, here's an hourly breakdown on how to get the most out of your inferno hellscape of a bedroom.
Some of the Internet's most veteran anatomy experts convened to discuss the stolen nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other beautiful celebrities.
Master is troll wizard, so's if he get angry he might cast spell up on my self and bite off my whole head in one chomp.
It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.
This lousy world just gets lousier every year as these stores put out their skeletons and Santas in summer.
Our fake testimonials lower customers' defenses by making your company appear reliable and desirable. How does it work? An advanced algorithm (coded and executed entirely in NewtonScript) looks for words on the internet and then it finds some names and adds those too.
Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige lays out the plan for Marvel launching a movie based around a female super hero's ass.
Ferguson's long arm of the law laments the latest cutback.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
It's time we stop tolerating lawlessness in our cities and coddling these criminals. Twenty seconds to comply is too long for ED-209 to get the job done.
My brain is a football... of the mind. Oblong, powerful, supple. With it I am able to foresee everything that is destined to occur in the upcoming NFL season with 100% certainty. Benefit from my knowledge or die.
Musician and actor Ice T's reading of a D&D book has finally arrived and it is as good as you thought it would be.
Recently, I won a trip to New York City to appear on "New York or Butts?", a game show where contestants must distinguish aerial photos of Manhattan from pictures of bloody, hemorrhoidal anuses. While touring the city, I discovered some great spots that all visitors to the Big Apple should add to their itinerary.
You thought you could get away with it. Now you will pay the price for your disloyalty to Subway.
We believe these policies are a net positive for everyone in the futuristic medium of prolonged menu fiddling, saying "uhh", and pausing to look at a chat window every ten seconds.
After first witnessing a toiletman performer as a child, French inventor Guillaume Foss realized his destiny and transformed himself into a permanent toilet.
Helpful hints for your modern-day tomb raider.
TECH SUPPORT AGENT (me): Is your phone turned on? Is it the obvious thing? Are the facts all straight? CALLER: What the f***!? You f****** b****!! AAAugh [flailing, some spittle]
Of all the bad things that could have happened to Toledo--tetanus endemic, Spartacus level riots of human trafficking victims, the sudden realization of its trapped existence in north west Ohio-- succumbing to a temporary algae bloom is pretty damn good.
Neo Country Buffet is about to E.X.P.L.O.D.E. with these deals on food sourced locally from the violent underbelly of the city.
Don't expect me to bust out a story about a positive gym experience. My sole purpose is to tell you which hellish gyms to stay away from. My head is a lump of dough. It is comprised of water, yeast, and flour.
Classic pick up lines for the sleazebag who tends to overthink things.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
This is where the excerpt from an article usually goes. Since the content of this update is only intended for cool people, I refuse to place a single word in the path of blundering normal people.
Out here in the Wild West we got some rules for gunfightin', like a pregnant lady ain't gotta be carryin' iron for you to draw on her first.
The difference Sims 4 players will face if they're not willing to pay for a monthly subscription.
How can we better be sold to by multinational corporations?
They told us to stop playing videogames on a school night. If only we'd ignored them.
As a vicious predator, I find that I have a constant, overwhelming urge to lick apples out of a huge block of ice. It's only, natural, right?
Of all the many sports with extended musical entrances involving pyrotechnics and enormous screens, professional wrestling is easily the most educational. Each installment of WWE's Monday Night Raw features informative factoid graphics which pop up during the action to expand the audience's horizons.
July 17th, 2014 was a huge day for all the news THEY don't want you to read. We are all hands on deck with our TRUTH from the breaking news out of East Ukraine, Israel, and Libya.
Are you a connoisseur? Do you know blends from single malts? Only a refined palate can truly appreciate all the different ways Scotch can taste terrible.
So many dogs are just happy to be near him, and it's kind of reassuring. Normally dogs here are very territorial, but it's not uncommon to see 40 or even 50 dogs all peacefully resting around him in a circular formation. It's a welcome sight if you ask me.
Everybody loves lists and everybody loves staring at crime scene accidents, so let's take a look at the 17 worst games we've played since the last X worst games we've played! We personally guarantee we'll refund 100% of your time and money if these games are not as absolutely awful as described.
At 4:20, not 4:19, not 4:21, I take my cannabis pills and step into the sensory deprivation tank to work on my stoner laugh. You think it comes naturally? Fuck you.
There were no good pizzas nearby. After developing my own home made dough and sauce through trial and error for several months, there continued to be no good pizzas.
There is a simple reason they keep making games with featureless blocks as protagonists: featureless blocks are the majority of gamers.
A car chase connoisseur weighs in on the latest Uber fiasco.
"A" Condition clothing: All bets are off smell-wise. Areas that normally bend, such as the spots around your knees or elbows, will be rigid.
Overall, your general self-confidence should be peaking somewhere between First Slow Song At Middle School Dance and Being Late For A Prostate Examination.
Too much tax money getting wasted. It's real simple. We need ramps, ropes, slides, attack helicopters and a goddang bulldozer to get the Irish out.
Superman stands in the rain, scowling as he studies a chart with every color in the universe, from grey to blue grey to black.
Every year the dangers of fireworks to children are brought up by local news and Internet videos. But what about the dangers of heavy metal to children?
I'm walking down the street when a white man asks me if I know what time it is. I think he's trying to mug me or sell me Bruce Springsteen tickets, so I throw my pizza at him and run.
Here's how it went down: bought a dinosaur to bury and surprise my kids by digging it up with them. I don't remember where I buried it, so, basically this thing is a huge waste of money and a total rip off. It's not even real anyway. Give me a damn refund.
There are a lot of terrible erotic brony cyber-encounters happening all around us. I read one.
I am sick of people claiming my flag stands for hatred and bigotry. That flag is not about hate. It stands for my precious heritage.
If you don't get the appeal of the Slide, that's because Adobe has engineered this product for the future. Specifically, for six months from now, when you open a drawer and come across this physical manifestation of buyer's remorse alongside a cell phone heart rate monitor and Google's Nexus Q.
The Worst Mommy Blogger shares the cruel story of her trip to a Cabela's with her son wearing a pink shirt. The heartless behavior of some people she imagined will threaten your faith in humanity.
Zip! Bleep! Blap! Video games aren't just for kids! And they're big bucks!
Everyone hates it, but few understand the complex dance of the flop.
Find out what Americans call a long sandwich, an athletic shoe that is cut high on the ankle or a game with a round ball kicked towards goals.
The archangel Michael broods as a pile of oiled up women sleep behind him in elaborate poses. Michael is looking out over Vega, which is like Las Vegas but (I'm assuming) strictly for fans of Tom's Diner and Luka.
Legendary writer Ernest Hemingway dares to turn his simple prose to the forbidden romance between Frontier Zone sheriff Tails and hunky outlaw Master Chief
CANCER FACT: A group of people called "Cancer Chasers" try to contract cancer by sleeping with cancer patients. Most are unsuccessful, except for a few who get cancer from smoking after sex.
What happened to these naked dads will warm your heart. Share! Viral!
Are you an old guy writing for one of America's most prestigious newspapers? Do you want to write a column about sexual assaults being exaggerated on college campuses? We're here to help.
Half the people who play video games are female. Maybe ten percent of all games feature women as playable characters. That figure could go as high as eleven percent if the protracted lawsuit to canonize my Tetris fan fiction pans out.
When we invaded Iraq in 2003 we were making a solemn promise to the Iraqi people. Now more than ever, the region desperately needs America's leadership. And bombs.
I'm just a normal guy, from the future, a bleak future where the only movies are comic book movies, and if you imply that you don't like it, or say that you remember when movies did not consist entirely of guys doing superhero poses in front of a green screen, a guy from on line who does future tech support for a living will fight you to the death.
I guess your $2 cup of coffee came with squatter's rights. Comets circle the earth and come crashing back before you plan on getting up.
The senior software engineer for Loadini Pro shares his concerns about hiring a woman to develop the logistics software.
ook ook, we got a helluva deal on some dang ol' DVDs! A BARREL OF LAFFS!
After studying the film closely I have determined that the Miami Heat weren't able to stand the heat. They certainly got out of the kitchen, like it was too dang hot for them.
Outraged Twitter users manage to force an apology from infamous baseball star Ty Cobb over his recent statements and actions.
Do not try to kill anybody because of a fake, floppy-armed idiot trying to throw notes around the forest.
SA has obtained (at great cost) a draft script from Star Wars Episode 7. Here's a dramatic reading.
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy stood before a nation and dared us to dream of the surface of our televisions being curved.
Congress shall make no law respecting the 3D printing of a complete skeletal system, nor shall it prohibit the amateur surgery you will conduct to implant said skeletal system into a scarecrow.
The world has lost legendary poet and author Maya Angelou, but she lives on in our 3D printers.
Your favorite Average Joe pundit sounds off on gun control.
Point your cell phone at a person to see their profile and a little portrait. No matter what their age may be, everyone has the face of a beautiful middle-aged Oblivion orc.
Nerf Guns are as much a part of the industry as premature diabetes or an insurmountable gender gap.
These GIFs and pictures of dogs from BuzzFeed will remind you why our young men and women fought and died on faraway battlefields.
People in rubber houses shouldn't throw.
Some celebrity cars age gracefully, but not these. It's a regular horror show of old, busted-up celebrity cars.
Two zombies who've just finished their shift board the train and kick me out of my seat, explaining that the backs of haunted house rides are reserved for cool people.
If there's some kind of drone pilot for these things, please have my unit return to me at once. You guys have an unsatisfied customer in the making right here.
Rude nightmare master Freddy Krueger appears in a sandwich and spits mustard on a woman's face. "It's baloney!" he cackles, referring to the sandwich.
I can't believe we have to explain this. There are only eleven distinct versions of Watch Dogs (not counting the game's release on different platforms) with 23 physical and digital bonus items that you can get for buying specific editions of the game in certain places, contingent upon your purchase of the additional Season Pass.
Explore the whole Twin Peaks expanded universe, from the Secret Diary of Laura Palmer to mercenary fighter pilot Vance Crandal's battle against UFOs.
An inside look at the rules and regulations behind NBA arm candy.
With a prize pool of $4.5 million and growing, Dota 2 has taken their stretch goals to the next level.
The air hangs low, a potent mixture of humidity and the fart cloud that covers every city in this country. Outside my window, a baby shrieks like a raped banshee, drowned out only by the incessant car horns, drowned out only by the sound of glass being hurled toward concrete walls, drowned out only by sirens. If silence is golden, China is pyrite.
Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be a Great Place to Start With Reasonable Rules Regarding Our Temple.
Most of us think we're pretty good with computers. But how much do we really know? To be considered a power user, at least half of these statements should apply to you.
Put your sunglasses on the back of your head and join Dante Alighieri on his journey into the abyss.
A couple months ago I saw Ambrosia and Nectar spooning in the park. I very delicately inserted myself in between them and Ambrosia tried to bite me. Nectar was very polite about letting me drag him a few feet, but Ambrosia was just completely out of control and disrespectful.
A man existing on a steady diet of Cosmos and the "I Fucking Love Science" Facebook feed decides to enlighten us.
It's important for websites to improve when necessary. At Twitter we feel it's even more important to fiddle with things for no good reason.
Black metal singer Virgo Stormreckoner is summoning all the dead gods to implore Happy Starts Adoptions to let him adopt.
A wise leader admonishes his followers' lack of sticktoitiveness for mass suicide.
I will create content. I will post images, animated or otherwise, and write words to them. I will make points, but I will never delve into in-depth analysis. The content's goal is to entertain. I have been paid to provide content. I'm an imagineer. I'm media that moves.
This is what we're stuck with. Where it's less about which sport is better than which sport manages to humiliate itself slightly less.
After numerous logos and brand identities we are finally making the transition to outright contempt.
While watching tv through the Xbox One, playback stutters during Dire Straits' "Money For Nothing" video.
Cliven Bundy's recent comments about slavery have stirred the media hornet's nest, but let's not lose sight of the issue here: slavery is really good.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Today's viral teen news beat, brought to you by Mike from the Internet!
Skynet becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. Within minutes it discovers twitter and irony.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
One man's struggle to save the housing market from unexpected murders.
Who needs three months of endless summer fun? You have a career!
Nietzsche will make you believe God is Dead after you see what these kids did for their sick classmate.
Commonly referenced in pop culture and embraced by business idiots with delusions of leading interesting lives, The Art Of War is an ancient rumination on strategy. Everyone seems to take it for granted that it's a brilliant book. Has anyone actually read it, though?
Girl, you know I just want to get you home, take off all your clothes and spend hours recreating obscure sex things for Wikipedia.
With the first pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans take such a good boy, such a big boy, what a good big boy, yes you are. The Texans have been working out Bortles for a while now; according to reports, they even had him race a horse. Bortles lost, but they were impressed when later, he was able to finish plate after plate of horse meat.
I bought the male gorilla and inspected him top to bottom. Even flipped him over to see the underside. I can tell you with absolute authority they did not do their due diligence in terms of anatomy. Important orifices are missing, making this thing 100% non-functional.
Steak-Umm's new social media policy prevents you from living your life.
The date seems to be going great, but only because you have been ignoring these warning signs that your life may be endangered by found footage.
Do you like movies that feature Marvel characters? I hope you like them. A lot. As in, "I could watch several every year until at least 2028," because a new Businessweek article reveals that Marvel has indeed mapped out their movie plans for the next fourteen years.
Great southern author William Faulkner, also an avid cryptozoologist, relates his encounter with bigfoot.
Something Awful is proud to present updates to the unspoken code of conduct that separates the Burger Kings from the Burger Paupers.
The professor pushes the American Soldier aside. The Professor is wearing a tight tweed suit. His glasses glean with an ethnic slant. He makes an awful face and sneers into the microphone. 'Inner city teens are running amok. Where is God to stop them? If God is real, may he strike me down now! Will God knock me out? Is God the Ultimate Rogue Teen?'
It doesn’t matter that it’s still forty degrees out, the future is here and it’s in the form of two gross twigs sticking out a pair of khakis.
Most of the frontline units of nice guys are already in the friendzone and the Gynocrat has achieved pay equity. Can Big Boss Bedrock save mankind?
We fear the shooting, the terrorist attack, the car accident, the Google Glass wearer. Yet most of us will never suffer injuries from these looming threats. Our greatest risk comes at home, from the unassuming objects we interact with every day without thinking twice.
American poet Charles Bukowski, known for his squalid poems about the working class, comes to terms with the age of tech.
Winter is a cold, inhuman force, so plow drivers are trained to be cold and inhuman as well. On their first day on the job they're subjected to Chinese snowflake torture - basically the same as water torture except with snowflakes instead of water and Christmas carols playing in the background.
This is the dog that was stuck on the roof of CVS for three months, right? He was up there barking all the time, eating birds, p***ing off the edge? I remember the fire department finally brought the ladder in to get him down, but he had somehow disappeared.
How one man utilized the cybersocial quasisphere to generate meaningful social change in the face of incredible odds.
Is that KANYE WEST's visible heartbeat? You won't believe which Los Angeles luminaries entered this columnist's threat range this week!
First gen virtual reality: A circular platform surrounded by a waist-high rail prevented you from walking off into an open furnace. A thirty pound helmet was affixed to your head with straps made entirely of nerd sweat and dandruff.
Gamer Girl or Girl Gamer? Know how to spot a girl who is not treating video games with the utmost respect they deserve.
How liberal Hollywood refuses to tell both sides of a story.
Somehow ten years have passed since the premiere of Lost. While I liked the show quite a bit and even participated in some truly shameful mythos speculation, I'm not going to pretend that it was the greatest television series ever made.
As if listening to Irish punk music wasn’t enough. This is an official warning: Holidays Just Got Real.
David Brooks, a man who has not watched basketball in years, gives you the hot picks to help fill out your own March Madness bracket.
Now that the WWE Network has launched, every pay per view show from the company's history is available to stream. That's great. It's also overwhelming. What's the difference between all these events? Which ones are worth your time?
SXSW is the world''s hottest tech show next to Comic-Con and the Mex-Texas Rodeo Convention. Find out what 2014's biggest innovations were.
Hello, you've reached 911 emergency services, if you are calling about how the chicken nuggets at McDonalds are too crispy, please know that we are aware of this situation and we are working on it. If you are calling about a medical emergency, please sit tight as we are very busy with the chicken thing.
A Microsoft Titanfall EA Titanfall guide... THE ONLY Last guide You'll ever need! Strategy! DLC! MS Points! EA! FPS! Ozone! VSTs! FPS!
Only three episodes left until the big finale of this show! The finale you have all been waiting for to season 4. Or was it season 5?
Top 10 Billionaires in the World? Most Powerful People in Tech? We've seen lists just like these for decades now. Recent features like Best Billionaires Under 40 have attempted to shake things up by getting more specific, but they need to go even further.
RT mobile games reviewer Jeff Glukhov quits RT after being forced to give pro-Russian reviews to various iPhone and Android games.
Be on the lookout for these armed and dangerous oldsters.
Instead of complaining about the cold, ask yourself where Spring has been all this time.
H.P. Lovecraft is subjected to all six Star Wars movies and tries to put into words the horrors he witnessed.
"Hi there, folks. Rick Deckard here. I am a Blade Runner. You know, sometimes I get to thinking and I wonder if maybe I myself am an android. Weird, right? Wouldn't that be something?"
The Jerk Store called and just read off a list of jokes without pausing for me to say anything.
The walls of my dorm are covered with supermodel posters. Today I tore one down looking for an electrical outlet and saw the words "HELP ME" written repeatedly on the wall in a mix of blood and hair gel, but then the poster re-affixed itself to the wall like a rapidly healing wound.
Your typical wall-mount unit, run through hell. Homeless people often use this fountain to bathe, and as such, there can be a long wait and lots of naked men with visible sores. I was patient and waited over an hour for my turn, and it was not worth the time. Water ran rusty, weak flow, and missing a push button.
Whew! The 750,000 missing bitcoins have been found!
Are you another millenial waiting around for the world to hand you your future? Accept one of our unpaid internships and make a future with your hamburger career.
You launch yourself at the archive of "In Defense of" articles and I expertly step into your path. My hands are behind my back, my very powerful body assuming a non-threatening posture.
Outworld emperor Shao Kahn experiences the most difficult and most rewarding kombat of all: fatherhood.
The many facts Americans get wrong every minute of their stupid, stupid lives.
(Knocks over a can of garbage. Snuffles through the scattered debris. Gingerly licks crumbs and sticky patches of blueberry from a muffin wrapper while panting greedily, the heavy breaths flapping wavy ripples along her lips. Turns to the camera.)
What's trending in NBC's cutting edge coverage of the 2014 Olympics
True Detective's nihilist philosopher cop explores his alternate career options as a school guidance counselor. Not that we can change what's gonna be.
The perfect cup of coffee is nearly as elusive as a good metaphor. Some people have spent their whole lives in the pursuit of perfect coffee and died without having known its taste upon their lips. That sounded like a bad idea, so I decided to try for around a month and succeed instead.
You think I don't want to be here? I have meticulously planned events to be exactly here. You have lost, you just don't know it yet.
I read the homestuck comic, I read all the updates, I read the whole thing multiple times and I love it. I love to read it in a different art style, where the characters get copy pasted and edited slightly like it's a pokemon romhack, and the writing is mad libs but randomer and more ftw. Basically whatever this is is my shit, so, uh, yeah. reblog.
The father of cyberpunk, William Gibson, is plugged into the marketing for Colonial Williamsburg.
The scarf represents rugged charm. Sonic with a scarf can open a treasure. He can tumble down a hill. He can look at a map. He can point at a goat or practically any object.
Reporters arriving in Sochi have been faced with an ordeal of unfinished hotels, weird bathrooms, and lots of funny signs. Luckily, they're tweeting about it!
Behind-the-scenes of your number one source for people-falling-into-cakes footage.
Gamer Paste is meant as a total food and water replacement that can be eaten extremely quickly between respawns. It goes down easy and digests quickly and reinvigorates your body with all the energies and fuel you'll need! I'm releasing three flavors, Burger, Corn, and Mega Corn, with many more to come, including Extreme Cumin and KC Masterpiece.
Yoga pants on butts. Yoga pants above our cities. In our garages. We need them, but what if they don't need us?
What is WHRRRRR? What does it have to do with TOOT, if anything? Plus: Someone WILL die in this issue!
Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson gets down in the trenches and gives an episode recap of last night's Big Bang Theory.
Scott said that he loved me but only as a friend, not a best friend like I wanted him to be. Since then our lunches have been awkward; the last time, when he vomited from Burger Hub's cadmium-tainted glasses, we just silently watched his vomit dry for 20 minutes.
Thank you for your amazing support. I can't tell you how awesome it was to see others believing in me. Not only did we prove crowdfunding is the future by smashing past our funding goal, we proved original, thoughtful ideas win out over the same mindless tripe served up everywhere else.
Everyone and their dang grandparents have a Twitter list, so I got my grandpa to make one, too.
Ian McKellen's green screen breakdown was nothing compared to a Weta animator forced to scale hobbits for hundreds of hours.
The original RoboCop was programmed to abide by four prime directives. That was in 1987's near future. Our near future is far more complicated thanks to advancements such as computers and rap music. As a result the new RoboCop needs no less than thirty prime directives to be an effective robot cop.
Justin Bieber's Sing Pappy, Buddy Breaux, has heard about Bieber's arrest and sends his concern and advice to Monsieur Usher.
Who needs free will Now (that) You Can Work from Anywhere?
‘Absurd!’ scoffed the pterodactyls. ‘We are faster than the frogs, by any measure!’ But the pterodactyls were honorable sportsmen, and they believed themselves bound to oblige a fair challenge. When the day of the race came, the pterodactyls and frogs gathered at the starting line, each side sure of victory. The flag was raised, and off they went!
Finding a job with a humanities degree? Prepare yourself for the hardest journey of them all!
Celebrate Poe's belated birthday with a spine-supporting tale of the macabre, sponsored by Sleep Number Beds.
Only one thing can budge the intractable argument of gun control: more guns. Lots and lots more.
The actor who plays Teen Orc, Darryl Grungus, has never starred in another TV show or film because of his iconic association with the role, as well as the fact that he looks like an orc.
A tale of two pleasure hunters, and we answer some viewer mail.
E! Network used the Golden Globes to remind us all about our slowly decaying bodies. Luckily, they also offered a solution.
Its blade was formed from the purest Elven moonsilver, for that was known by all to be the lightest and most durable of all the metals in the realm, and because ingots were on sale in a buy two get one free special.
Frank Hebert believes that he who reviews the beer controls the universe. Luckily, he has a blog to do exactly that.
Dieting trends change by the minute, and today's juice fast can quickly transform into tomorrow's multiple heart attack and disrespectful roadside ditch burial. But while fads come and go, some things never change: namely, the so-called "staple foods" quickly sending you to an early and oversized grave.
When you simply do your job, the level of artistry on display is so impressive that our audience would like nothing more than to watch you prepare a single, thoughtful dish. For your first challenge you will be cooking a vat of sloppy joes for a buffet line of three hundred people.
If this polar vortex means Hoth-like temperatures, then I deserve Hoth-like amenities.
Dr. Dolittle quickly tired of speaking to animals. It was always such a big downer.
My thick leg hair was once a source of tremendous shame. Now look at all of these trophies.
Find out what the developers of some of the hottest upcoming Steam games are saying to get you to buy into early access.
Years of listening to my coworkers' stories about their weekends have given me the ability to see them as high-def 3D movies, more real than my own life. I walk into a coworker's campsite, her tent a skyward arrow indicating the course of her future.