Donald Trump is Going to Make Prog Rock Great Again
Some people claim Trump's rise will bring back comedy or punk rock. Wrong! He's bringing back prog rock, baby!
The Best Cures for Insomnia
Stay 'woke' on the best treatments for chronic sleeplessness.
WAVES OF DOGS (Part 41)
THE ELUSIVE DOG - I have only seen him twice in the past year. I don't remember much about him, but I think he's brown and white. Would love to trade for a more ambient dog. 555-7625
The Sponsoredest Links U Know (Part 7)
Say good riddance to 2016 and hello to an even worse 2017 with one last batch of sponsored links - custom tailored for our readers' interests!
Fun Christmas Activity Cards!
Finally! An alternative to family!
The 9 Best Pizzas in 2016 Ruined By Blizzard Making Tracer a Lesbian
I didn't order extra SJW agenda on this pizza. I didn't order this pizza either. They won't let me out and I have to review them.
New Additions to the Island of Misfit Toys
New additions to our favorite collection of plastic freaks.
GameFAQs' Top Unanswered Qs (Questions)
Is there mode to look at models closer? Much closer?
What This Country Needs Is One More Food Delivery Service
There is only one thing that can bring us back together: another copy-cat food delivery service that promises $10 off your first delivery with the promo code "fr33f00d."
The Official Holiday Guide to Meme Books
Christmas is right around the corner and you know what that means: time to pick out the perfect book of memes for that special someone in your life who will most definitely not immediately sever all contact with you after receiving such a gift.
You Bigoted Piece of Shit Morons Had Better Vote for Me in 2020
You morons blew it and you're going to suffer. So you'd better learn your lesson and vote for me.
Celebrity Stalker 2016 Finale (Part 15)
Celebrities are just like us, appearing in public right before our prying peepers. That's where our hungry-eyed star-spotters catch 'em unawares. Lights! Camera! Look!
The Shamebox: Building a Thoroughly Tasteless Gaming PC
Putting a computer together is easier and more fun than you might think. It's sort of like building a LEGO set. It also costs about as much as a LEGO set.
#DumpStarWars: The Anti-Trump Scenes From Rogue One Have Leaked
Liberals have once again used the media to attack Trump. We have the leaked script for Rogue One that exposes all of their vile lies.
8 Things the Simpsons Predicted for 2016
All the amazing predictions from The Simpsons that finally came true in 2016.
For Sale: Terrible Secrets That Will Bring Something Awful to Its Knees
This is very real. As an insider I possess damning evidence that could utterly destroy Something Awful. This website has many enemies who appear to be coming to power in the United States. They probably have lots of money at their disposal, and I could really use some.
How to Deal With Your Bloody Nose
Don't let the winter dryness destroy your sinuses.
Actually, Donald Trump is the Phantasm Orb
Donald Trump is constantly being compared to infamous political figures and villains from movies. Finally, the correct comparison is here.
More Musicians Who Deserve the Nobel Prize
Now that Bob Dylan has won the Nobel Prize in literature, hopefully these other great musicians will win the award in the future.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Hot Bod Beach Babe Woman Body Raft (Part 49)
By the time I finished inflating this thing, I was too tired to use it. This is just like real dates. Women wear you down making you jump through so many hoops, then you are simply too exhausted and sad to continue. The pump should be free.
The Innermost Thoughts of a Planet Coaster Visitor
Wow, so many drink shops to choose from!
Which Swords Should Trump Choose for His Cabinet?
President-elect Trump needs to make some tough choices about the swords his key advisers will wield.
Can We Get Through One Thanksgiving Without Hearing the Word "Nazi"?
Guess who's coming to Thanksgiving dinner: A literal Nazi.
The Most Popular Stand Up Comedy Specials of 2016
Which was your favorite stand up special of 2016: "Trigger Warning: No Participation Trophies" or "Sheesh, When Did Everyone Get So Sensitive"?
No One Cares About How Few Cavities You Have
Just because your teeth are made of Wolverine’s adamantium doesn't mean that anyone cares.
![Pokémon Sun and Moon [GAME REVIEW]](https://fpi.somethingawful.com/sasbi/promo/6d33e49c/5edc96e5/2dd08df9/0af5cb7e/14577.jpg)
Pokémon Sun and Moon [GAME REVIEW]
A comprehensive review of the latest game in the Pokémon series. STORE or TOSS? Read on to find out!
FITNESS SECRETARY! (Part 6)
Hyurgi Tigerwoods returns with news of his appointment to the Trump administration and plans to get all American kids healthy.
Memos from Bear Cave: the Family Business (Part 22)
I've got terrible news for you idiots. You're all going to lose your jobs. Your children are going to starve and die slowly in front of your eyes. Your whole world is going to end. If half of you make it through the day without committing suicide, I'd be shocked.
Editorial: My Joke Vote Matters
My write-in president's gonna make a monkey outta you!
Your Local Brewery's Five New Beers
We have all the excellent beers for you to begrudgingly choke down!
How to Concentrate on Anything at All in the Days to Come
In any given day you are required to think about several things, if not dozens of things. How can that happen when every synapse is dedicated to processing the reality of our garbage world again and again, as if running it all through your mental calculator will uncover a different result?
Choose Your Own Dishonored 2 Review
This is the first Dishonored 2 review on the internet. How do I know that? It's not out until Friday. Bethesda is no longer providing the press with review codes ahead of release. Heck, I don't even have the game.
Your 2016 Disillusioned Voter Guide
Don't go to the polls today without consulting our guide for voters who pretty much want to die.
Dolores, Please Show Me to Westworld's Normal Bathrooms
Oh, man, I am cramping up right now. I can't use the wooden poop box. There has to be an elevator hidden in the back of the general store.
The Atrocities in This Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland Would Make Great Band Names
Surveying the horrors of nuclear annihilation, I realize the hubris of my species and the grand indifference of the universe. But I have to admit, a lot of these horrors would make great band names.
CRUSH OF DOGS (Part 40)
FREE HUSKY DOG - Not to be confused with "Siberian Husky." This overweight Corgi is too embarrassing to take out in public. No longer fits in any of the expensive sweaters I purchased for him. Sweaters not included. 555-8092
Memorable Quotes From Twister's Supporting Cast
One of the secondary characters in Twister is portrayed by eight actors. This role is Indecipherable Shouting Person, a mix of the chorus from Shakespearean plays and a hooting idiot.
Don Jr and me convinced Eric Trump to drink his own pee at In-N-Out
Levi and Don Jr convince Eric the movie Annabelle is real and make him drink his own urine. Plus Tiffany Trump is downgraded to the Trump plane's cargo hold.
Halloween Candy Safety Tips
Ensure your little ones are safe and relatively poison-free with the following tips designed to keep them healthy, outside of their teeth and blood sugar levels.
The Seven Stages of Moving
Oh, you idiot. Don't do this. It's the worst idea anyone has ever had. Have you forgotten what an ordeal it was the last time you moved?
How to Defend Your Obvious Civ 6 Addiction
This is Sid Meier's world, I’m just building wonders in it.
Toys "4" Cheap!
The Magic of Toys Will Shut Up Your Child!
Hope for Trump Supporters: Steven Seagal for President 2020
Angry and hopeless Trump voters take heart: there is a man who is out for justice for America.
Donald Trump Isn't Fit to Be Mayor of Buffoontown
People can't stop talking about this Donald Trump character. He's said a lot of crude and hateful things over the years, and demonstrated a tremendous lack of judgment, discipline and decency. If you ask me, he's not fit to be our president. In fact, he's not even fit to be mayor of Buffoontown.
My Scandals Have Brought Me L... Low
No silkier pelt nor softer voice can be found above or below the roots. Gentle Creature is the leader we need.
An Update from Your Local Halloween Superstore Proprietor
Your local Halloween Superstore is back in town, bringing with it quality products and a plea for sanity from its proprietor.
The Hurricane Is Depositing Water Upon Correspondent
My clothes surround my body. A bright yellow jacket of flexible plastic surrounds my layers of clothing. The areas of my skin covered by clothing and jacket are as they always are, more or less. My hands are exposed. My neck, face, and head are exposed. I feel water and wind upon all of this skin.
Complete List of Apple Picking Apples
A complete guide to every type of apple you'll find on the orchard.
How Will the Candidates Solve the Lurking Clown Issue?
The clowns are coming and these candidates aren't the heroes we want, or the ones we need, or even heroes, but they're what we have.
Making $25 an Hour Is a Kafkaesque Nightmare
Office cubicles look a lot like a maze, if you arrange them into a maze and forget that in a maze you have to walk around, not just sit in a chair and browse Facebook all day.
ROOMS FOR RENT III (Part 39)
TREEHOUSE FOR RENT with wonderful, unavoidable views of my bedroom window, where I prance around fully nude. Ideal tenant is beautiful woman attracted to plus-sized men. $250/month. 555-7262
Leslie Nielsen: Vengeance
The king of deadpan absurdism ain't no angel
Cartoombstones!
Everything dies...especially beloved cartoon characters!
Wow. The Youth Today Just Look At Phone... Remarkable
The internet is causing individuals to become more insular, seeking out only those who agree and shutting out alternative viewpoints. All my friends agree.
Take 'em off the glass! Please, girls, it's too much!
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
The Incredible Observations of Slightly Taller Sherlock Holmes
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
Explaining The 2016 US Election to an 1800s Deep Sea Diver
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
Credit Card Chip Reader FAQ
If you still have any difficulty transitioning to chip readers, please refer to the FAQ compiled from average user reactions.
Would you eat a Skittle out of my mouth like a baby bird?
What if you were a cop and the Skittle was mentally disturbed and wanted to be eaten?
AGGREGATION OF DOGS (Part 38)
DOPPELGANGER NEEDED - To minimize stress to my dog, I'm looking for somebody who is identical to me to take over ownership. Must also be able to fool my wife. Call to set up interview. 555-8252
If a Writer Freelances in the Internet, Does It Make a Resume?
One morning a widening pool of gasoline formed beneath an old car in the parking lot. My manager urged me to grab a bag of cat litter to contain the leak and minimize the chance of a fire. I sprinted away, then turned back and - in a moment of absolute sincerity - asked him which brand.
I AM ONE OF THE BACKSEAT OF DEPLORABLES WITH THE BAD FROG NOW
Hillary clinton called me a deplorable which is a bad thing so I made a new frog man.
20 Rejected Hillary Clinton Names for Trump Supporters
As is the case with all political speeches, Hillary Clinton's "basket of deplorables" comment exists as one of thousands of possible options run through high-priced consultants and focus groups. Here are some of them.
Interest Check
hey im making this thread to see if anyone would be interested in a thread about some weird things i found in a smoldering crater upon the hillside. the first thing is the book of infinite knowledge.
How to Pack for a Trip
Make sure your trip starts off with a rushed, anxiety inducing nightmare.
Why I'll never mangia the pasta with a feminist
Sorry, feminists, but I will not be slurping the 'ghet and grabbing on your rack in the hot tub I made in my PT Cruiser.
Proposed Alternatives to Obamacare
Critics of Obamacare claim that it's unconstitutional, increases the national debt and imposes too many costs on businesses. But what do they propose we replace it with?
Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Reviews: Occupied Fountain (Part 14)
Tensions are mounting as Shaggy Butte's thirstiest gulpers have been hung out to dry. The Rug Emporium, home of the town's most popular fountain, has been taken over by foreign invaders.
Regular American Man
Me? I'm just a regular American man. I like to put in a full day of hard work in the Sisyphus Pod, pushing that ol' virtual boulder up the sloping sides of the grid bowl only for it to tumble down again.
We See You Are Running Ad Block, Motherfucker
We see you trying to block our shit. We are gonna smoke you out. You can't click our content now, motherfucker.
The Cool Tech Office Blues
When work becomes "fun," life becomes hell.
Sponsored Links (Part 6)
You Won't Believe How Every MRI Technician Will Soon Be Replaced By Nine Dogs! Your Jaw Will Drop!
In Defense of Your Absurdly Long Showers
Don't let anyone tell you that you're a wasteful, careless, selfish individual because of your shower habits.
Best Names For Horses
(The Best.)
Excerpts From TIME Magazine's Cover Story on "Trolling"
Someone told TIME magazine about trolling and now we all just have to deal with it.
Girl, You Deserve a Man Who Will Bring You 20 Carbon
If that boy isn't willing to shoot his laser and get you that carbon, he's not worth your time.
LOADS OF DOGS (Part 37)
REFORMED HOG - Former member of the swine family, has now agreed to behave like a proper dog. Free to patient home willing to overlook physical defects. 555-2519
Smooth Move, Batman
What do you do when The Dark Knight himself pulls a boner?
James Cameron Doesn't Even Remember What the Blue Aliens are Called
James Cameron's plans for future Avatar movies include some information about dinosaur sex he saw on the Internet.
Complete Lyrics From the 1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Coming Out of Their Shells Tour
Thought what fell on us was pizza / But it was ooze saying nice to meet ya
The Emotional Strain of a Dying Cell Battery
The daily cycle of pain and remorse as you frantically attempt to save the last bit of juice.
Polka Dot Flesh Secures the Treasure
An update from the strange and majestic body horror of the Olympic Games in Rio.
The Ending to Every Gingerdead Man Movie
Gingerdead Man 3: Someone punches or just sort of pokes the Gingerdead Man, exploiting his one weakness of being a man made of gingerbread.
How "Video Games" Are Made
Video games like Car Chess, Bear Escape Arena, Just Us Hogs, Get Back Here 2, Travel Agency and Yelling! are all the rage these days, thanks to amazing graphics and irresistible action. But did you know that their existence is no mere accident? Every game is actually created by skilled professionals in a laboratory setting.
Our Procedurally Generated No Man’s Sky Review
Should you buy the most hyped game of the year? Our good friends at Hello Games – who definitely replied to my emails – created this review using No Man’s Sky’s actual procedural generation algorithm.
America: “Eh, Gettin’ Bored Of Unarmed Blacks Killed By Cops”
"What else is on?"
Don Draper pitches the sexy diarrhea woman to Viberzi
America's greatest ad pitch man sells the IBS pill guys from Viberzi on a diarrhea babe.
This Old House: Tommy's Emotion Fort
I'm in here and I'm not coming out. I'm not leaving here ever again.
Your Terrible Neighbor’s Schedule For The Foreseeable Future
Thursday: Shirtless yelling. "CASEY!" Ten seconds pass. "CASEY!" Is Casey a child? An animal? A playful spirit taunting a drunk buffoon? "CASEY!"
40 Reasons To Not Workout
Complete list of undeniable excuses to keep your ass planted.
BIG MOMENT FOR LADIES: HILLARY CLINTON JUST MADE THAT GLASS CEILING HER BITCH
I was betrayed by the bernio bros, the cougars, and this guy from back page I hired to keep me from jumping out a window at the DNC.
GLUT OF DOGS (Part 36)
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
THE PERFECT HUMAN FORM
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Why Is Our Newspaper Entirely Devoted To Our Paperboy?
It's just a little confusing, is all.
I HELD A GUN ON A TATTOO ARTIST TO PUT A "COOL S" ON ALEX JONES
The good news is the republican convention is over. The bad news is if I can escape this police car how do I anull a marriage??
Celebrity Speakers Cut from the 2016 Republican National Convention
Take a look at Hollywood's brightest stars who won't be allowed to shine at this year's RNC.
Things Michael Caine Has Seen
On Children of Men: "I did not see it. However, I have seen the thirty thousand tubs of Sour Patch Kids that it paid for. They are... sour."
Your Cat's Guide to Fun Toys
A complete assessment to all the terrible toys you've bought thus far.
WHAT TO DO RE: THOSE MISERABLE FUCKS IN TEAM MYSTIC
This is your wake up call, Utica Pokémon Go Facebook Guild: Valor.
We Should Deport Everyone From America Who Follows the Magician's Code
Will we continue to live in fear of the Mindfreaking or will we demand magicians break their Code?
Dear Lisa, I Still Have a Drug Problem
In Permanent Midnight, Jerry Stahl's heroin addiction alienates his friends and wife. I don't have any friends or a significant other, so I figured that for someone like me, drug abuse would have the opposite effect and make me popular.
SEA OF DOGS (Part 35)
EXCITING PUP-ORTUNITY – we have puppies galore, all needing homes. They just keep spilling out, with no end in sight. Hundreds to choose from, in all manner of repair. Claim yours! 555-2915
Pokemon Go Casualties
Millions of people are wandering around paying more attention to the Pokemon on their phones than their surroundings. I am the very first person in the world to suggest that this blending of reality and fantasy in Pokemon Go will lead to disaster.
Every Review Of Ghostbusters You Will Read This Week
Was all the controversy worth it? Huh? Was it? Huh?
Watch out Joe Walsh. Paranoid Fantasy America is coming after you.
In these tough times, America can be united over how much former congressman Joe Walsh sucks.
Four Helpful Protesting Tips from a White Person
One man's journey to help the disenfranchised voice their complaints with some civility.
Sponsored Links Sponsored By Recommended Sponsors (Part 5)
Hot new gadget promises to make getting milk into a glass 8x more complicated than pouring!
Whose Nokia Cellphone Keeps Ruining the Clash’s Rock the Casbah?
A cellphone seems to go off at exactly 1:52 in The Clash’s 1982 single “Rock the Casbah.” Why?
What Happened On The Final Prairie Home Companion, I Assume
Last night, the final Prairie Home Companion aired. I haven't heard it yet, but here's exactly what happened.
Best Names For Boats II
Boats! They're great. But what should we name them? Let's find out...
9 Fast Facts Americans Need to Know About the BREXIT
We clear up the BREXIT for confused Americans wondering why the global economy is collapsing this time.
8 Classic Games that Remind Me of My Father's Traumatic Death at My Own Hands
BEEP! BOOP! ZAP! Video games aren't for my dad anymore! Because he's dead.
Lesser-Known Triangles
I know these angles are wrong, but they feel so right.
10 Reasons You Need a New Video Card
Undeniable proof that you need to upgrade now.
Actually, it's Good the Martians are Using the Heat Ray
Martians are wiping out Mankind and bringing equality to London with their heat ray.
This Slaughter Match Is On Hold Until That Woman in the Audience Stops Texting
Am I boring you? Does the flesh-rending, bone-splintering brutality of the Fight Palace put you to sleep? In the arena, a moment can mean the difference between life and death, but clearly a moment of your time is too much to ask.
TV Schedule: Rumpus Men Father's Day Marathon
11:30AM - Rumpus Men Kevin and Jeremy prove anything is possible when they turn a cemetery into a beautiful rumpus room just in time for a wedding.
Unearthed Time Capsule Reveals 2016 E3 Predictions Written in 2006!
Ten years ago I buried a capsule in my E3 hole. It's a good hole. The capsule contained two items: My predictions for E3 2016 inked upon a weathered scroll, and an iPod Mini with just one song on its drive, Ignition (remix).
Got a PROBLEM? You should try...THE GUN!
Blow your problems AWAY with...THE GUN®!
BERNIE DROPPED OUT AND A GHOST DROPPED IN (TO MY BEDROOM)
Levi covers the end to the Sanders campaign and Bobby Brown's claims he had sex with a ghost.
Justice for Brock Turner's Tummy
It's every father's worst nightmare: A growing boy without a healthy appetite.
I Refuse to Be Defined by the Four Ton Weight Which Is Slowly Crushing Me
As I'm out and about, the first thing people notice when they glance my way is the enormous four ton weight atop my broken body. I get it. We are, by our very nature, superficial creatures.
Understanding the Wedding Seating Hierarchy
A complete breakdown of why you're assigned to sit where you are.
The Complete Marvel Cinematic Universe Viewing Order
Because if you watch these movies in the wrong order you might EXPLODE!
Cyberpunk Anthony Bourdain's Parts Unknown 2077
The year is 2077. Anthony Bourdain is looking for the best street food or high cuisine on the neon-drenched cyber streets of the world.
BEVY of DOGS (Part 34)
BACK FROM THE GRAVE – We've been trying to bury our dog ever since it ate all of grandma's ashes. Now it's back, and barks and growls just like grandma did. Please buy this dog and kill it for good. $250 555-2515
Sponsored Links: The Price We Pay To Ignore Feather Wallpaper (Part 4)
This collection of sponsored links is presented by the Feather Wallpaper Council.
In My Darkest Moments, I Realize How Afraid Of Ghosts I Truly Am
I'm Ray Parker Jr, and it's time I came clean.
An Open Letter to Marvel: Give Captain America a Dog Man Boyfriend
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
Nine Reasons I Won't be Reviewing the New Ghostbusters Movie
A brave pop culture addict puts his foot down once and for all.
Know Your Overwatch Skills (Part 5)
Overwatch is Blizzard's hugely successful new shooter with ten thousand characters and a hundred thousand skill icons. We'll show you what the buttons mean.
Expensive Gear You Need Before Exercising
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Highlights From Trump's Leaked Tax Returns (UPDATED)
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
I GAVE SHERM STICKS TO THE SUPER BERNIO BROS AND WE TRASHED LAS VEGAS
Levi Johnston heads down to Las Vegas and ends up causing a little trouble at the Democratic delegate convention.
Planet Fitness Is Truly a Judgement Free Zone. No One Ever Mentions What I've Done
The moment I step inside Planet Fitness, I feel completely at home. No prying eyes staring at me, judging me, like they do on the street. It's almost like that horrible, regrettable incident never happened.
Spout.ly: May's Sour Sips (Part 13)
May has been a trying month for Shaggy Butte's resident fountain fanatics. Drought restrictions have resulted in many popular fountains running dry, and penny-pinching businesses have cut back on fountain upkeep. In the end, many once-promising bubblers are now serving up some truly sour sips.
CoolSubBoxOpener Presents: Geek Gamer Nerd Epic Loot Chest Unboxing!
Hi guys. Uh. CoolSubBoxOpener here with, uh, a whopper of a video. Today the postman *pause* arrived with a whole bunch of boxes. Like half of my box subscriptions came in all at once today. Uh. So let's get to it!
The States, As Named By A 14 Year Old Girl Who Hates You
Guys, I think my niece hates me.
Only Steven Seagal Can Protect Our Children in the Bathroom
In a world where the rules no longer apply, one man is here to be sure a trans person isn't trying to pee near our children.
Child President Vetoes Women's Health Bill
A child President could be more than our country could handle.
A Tribute to the Last Decade of Movie Improv
Let's celebrate some scenes that are unforgettable, mainly because they show up in every single comedy.
Make It Matte
Do you have a gloss-free life and need your consumer goods to match? Make it matte.
More Tombstone Goofs!
Turning epitaphs into epic LAFFS!
SOME ELECTION BULLSHIT BROUGHT ME BACK TO LIFE SO GUESS WHAT??? HERE I AM
I don't know what to write in here because basically I am back from the dead like Laserious hooray here I am to talk about this stupid election.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Raffles Faux Leather Throne (Part 48)
This is your typical consumer model throne. If you just want a cheap prop, it's fine. If you want to actually sit like a king, pony up the cash and get yourself a prosumer model. This entry level stuff is more for a duke or baron at best.
Astounding Predictions From a Certified Tech Prophet
Do you wish to know what computers will be doing in the year to come? With a sigh I shall exert the minimal effort it takes to reveal all. Feel free to print out these predictions and share them with your friends via fax.
Hilarious Mixed Signals To Send Your Girlfriend
Old mixed signals feeling a little stale? Try some new ones!
Surviving Game of Thrones Characters You May Have Forgotten About
Game of Thrones has mercilessly killed off characters over the years, but these lesser characters are still waiting to meet their fate.
Let’s Improve Movie Endings with Smash Mouth
What movies other than Rat Race could be improved by the surprising entrance of Smash Mouth?
Workplace Safety Rules
How do employees stay safe at Alien Goop Storage Facility, The House of Unstable Floors and Vases Containing Fireballs, and (INARTICULATE PANICKED SCREAM)?
Now Is the Time to Invest in Video Game Cosmetics
Join one of the highest yield markets available to people who have neither worldly knowledge nor business savvy!
TERMINATE SANTIAGO WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE
Apologies for earlier orders ordering TERMINATION WITH MILD PREJUDICE.
Unfortunate Corporate Social Media Reactions to Prince's Death
When celebrities die, corporations frequently fumble with how to respond on social media.
My "Future Children's Party Clown" T-Shirt Made Me Become an Actual Children's Party Clown
I've never been one to define myself by my clothes, so an ironic "Future Children's Party Clown" t-shirt appealed to me. I might have been weird, but I knew I'd never become a children's party clown. Until I did.
TONS OF DOGS (Part 33)
SLED DOG TEAM plucked from the arctic. These experienced and tireless dogs pull me around town in a shopping cart, which is apparently illegal. Trading entire bundle for a gently used van. 555-1924
Belated PC Hardware Reviews
After years of thorough testing, we're finally prepared to hand out our verdicts. Should you buy a Voodoo 2 video card, a Sound Blaster, and a Logitech Mouseman? Read on to find out.
Trump vs Trump II
This Donald Trump guy is a real character, alright!
As an Actual Super Predator, I am Disgusted with the Clintons
The Clintons need to stop comparing juvenile humans to super predators. It is insulting to my kind.
Buckle Your Seatbelts, At Least for My Sake
One highway patrolman sets the record straight on the most senseless acts of modern drivers.
i just wanted to pplay video game golf
I blink out of existence. Vanish like I was never there. My caddie does not react to this development. In the place where I stood mere moments ago, a fox appears. Again, no reaction from the caddie. The man's a professional through and through.
Stress Effects on Your Mind and Body
Whether it’s finals, taxes, or the Canadian mafia, we all have stress in our life. Find out how it's changing your body before it's too late!
Terribly Accurate Burlesque Names
Coming to the stage...Kiki St. Needs Attention!
Seven Moments in the Rogue One Trailer That Confirmed to My Idiot Wife Cheryl I Was Right to Buy Samurai Darth Vader
Trust me, when I bought these dang things Cheryl gave me an earful. But they're going to make us a mint!
Now, Treasured Customer, an Urgent Dispatch from R. J. Heckwolf (Part 28)
Here is what I stand before you to declare: I am disgusted beyond all measure by the growing abundance of small dogs in the world. This vile plague has been spreading from Europe and the Orient with increasing potency.
Leaked Corporate Memo Reveals Big Changes for McDonald's
New documents reveal the burger giant is looking for a more tasteful, classier approach to giving you violent diarrhea and regret.
Trump Outrages Left and Right With Tweets About Crazy Frog's Penis
Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump has walked right into another controversy and this time both the left and the right are angry with his views on Crazy Frog's penis.
Your Public Domain Comic Book Could Be Trashier
Turning a public domain character into a boob comic seems like a great plan. You don't have to come up with your own ideas or license someone else's. Potential readers see the book and think, "Hey, I've heard of that character, and I've also heard of breasts/guns/steampunk."
Stardew Valley Maximum Efficiency Maximum Fun Super Guide
Make a robot. Name him Robot. Robot is male because when you start a character it defaults to male, and clicking a button to choose another gender is a waste of valuable seconds.
An Entire Airplane Helped A Baby Get To Sleep. And I Livetweeted It.
You won't believe this. If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't have either.
My Father Was the Screaming Face in the X-Files Opening and It Made My Faith Stronger
I was tested by this revelation, but now my belief is stronger than ever.
The Simpsons Debate When a Fan's Life Jumped the Shark
In a change of format, the next season of The Simpsons will consist entirely of the cartoon family discussing the lives of their fans.
Memos from Bear Cave: Daddy's Home (Part 21)
That newspaper article is paying off big time. I just got off the horn with a man I've never met: my father. He recognized my photo in the paper and wants to come here and meet me. I want every last one of you working twice as hard cleaning this place up. My dad is coming tomorrow, and I want Bear Cave Soup to look like a million bucks.
Savvy Advice for Millennials
Need to know what it takes to get ahead in the adult world? Take some advice from someone who's already been down a path not too different from your own.
Rejected Campbell's Soup Taglines
"A Screaming Can Of Nightmare Fuel!"
Who Said It: Donald Trump or Al Pacino as Big Boy Caprice From Dick Tracy?
See if you can spot the difference between Donald Trump's speeches and the diatribes of Dick Tracy movie villain Big Boy Caprice.
Rare Trading Card Checklist: Youngblood (1992)
Have you staked your reputation on owning the entire Youngblood comic book trading card set from 1992? That might have been a mistake. After all, most collectors don't know about some of these extremely rare cards. Better run your collection past this checklist.
Robot Pick Up Lines
ERROR ROMANCE DOES NOT COMPUTE
Trim Your Gross Nails
Gross nails are the human equivalent of carpeting your bathroom. Please do something.
Tupac's Rap Notebooks Prove He Knew the Ending to 10 Cloverfield Lane
Rapper Tupac Shakur died in 1996, but recently rediscovered notebooks prove he was prophetic.
The Five People You Will Meet in Cyberspace
For all the attention and buzz virtual reality is getting right now, you would think it something entirely new. The truth is it's been around for decades. Only now is the technology catching up with the dream.
Someone Please Nuke Us Already
I welcome a cleansing rain of nuclear death. As an American, I know that the only survivors of such an attack will be myself and precisely enough attractive female celebrities to represent every hair color and ethnicity without overlap.
Trump vs. Trump
Can you believe this Donald Trump guy??
It is T... Time to Please Reconsider the Gentle Creature Option
As the presidential race descends into desperation, now is the best time to seek unity and reconsider the Gentle Creature option.
My Talking Dog Won't Stop Talking
The dark side of owning a talking pup.
Unsolicited Advice for Freelance Writers
Try not to use any letters that you made up. Unless you get really lucky, they won't be on your keyboard.
Your Cat's Guide to Dry Food
Let there be no confusion about your cat's fine tastes.
OPINION: Doctor Ben Carson Was at Last Night's Debate
A careful analysis of evidence from the Republican debate last night suggests that Doctor Ben Carson was on the debate stage.
Oh Great, Another Giger Bar
Check out that biomechanoid in the corner with tentacles for hair. I bet she spent an hour on that hairdo she wants you to think she just crawled out of a pool of amniotic jelly with.
FLOCK OF DOGS (Part 32)
RETIRED HAMHOUND – German bred and trained, skilled at tracking lost or stolen hams, cooked, frozen or in between. Has saved many holiday meals and aided police in countless cases. Gentle, friendly, healthy and professional. Comes with many civic awards. 555-9285
Actual Japanese Porn Movie Titles
A selection of real movies one might enjoy, such as: The Nickname "Professor Masturbation" Has Followed Me All The Way Through Grade School
Real or Fake Star Trek Novel?
It's so hard to choose, because they're all so terrible!
Jared Leto's Self-Motivational Tips for Being the Joker
Jared Leto's Joker in the upcoming Suicide Squad film is going to be an intense character, if Jared's private encouragement to himself is anything to go on.
Antonin Scalia, Gaming Hero
Take a look back at the impressive achievements of the man who gave the power of the First Amendment to video games.
Sponsored Links: Around the Web and Back Again (Part 3)
You won't believe which part of the picture is inside the red circle and which part is outside.
Common Core Wants My Child to Do What?!
OUTRAGED! I was just trying to help my child do homework when I found these!
Post-Valentine's Day Breakup Snapchats
The day after Valentine's is when shit goes down.
If Ewoks Were Introduced in Scripts Like Women
And you thought women had one-dimensional script intros that treated them like sex objects. Ewoks have it even worse.
The Classic Doom Comic, Now Starring the New Doom Guy
No one seems to like the new Doom box art. But it's still the same old Doom Guy under that space marine helmet. Right?
Valentine’s Snapchats From Your Millennial Fuck Buddy
happy valentine day if thas cool k?
An Avenger Appearing in the First Act, Must Use All of Their Powers by the Third Act
Anton Chekhov's famous gun rule is not being followed by some lazy screen writers for the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
Video Game Review: The Bystander
Something Awful reviews the latest indie sensation that everyone says is good so of course it is.
The Something Awful Reader Survey - Help Make Our Site Better!
As you know, we're continually changing Something Awful to be on the cutting edge of exactly what the internet wants. "Relevance and clicks", that's our motto. Please tell us what to do next by taking a few minutes to fill out this brief reader survey.
Hopeless Attempts to Fix Your Sleep Schedule
Someday you'll go to bed at a normal time. Not tonight though.
More Worst Reddit Writing Prompts Of All Time
(Although this assumes that any reddit writing prompts are good.)
These Infuriating Twitter Millennials Didn't Even Know Abe Vigoda
You won't believe what these annoying millennials said when they heard David Bowie had died.
Where Have All the Teen Shoppers Gone?
The store is empty, funereal, a museum exhibit on twenty-first-century fashion. Mannequins stand vigil over untouched merchandise, staring at me like the bust of Ozymandias. If there were teens in this place, they left long ago.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Parisian Poodle Serving Table (Part 47)
It was love at first sight when I first glimpsed the Parisian Poodle Serving Table, which seemed the perfect complement to my home. Unfortunately, that very same home was taken from me when the tunnels I was digging underneath collapsed, causing the entire structure to be condemned.
ESPN's Dropping Hot Scoops All Over Us
If you thought "Here's what it would look like if Brady and Manning switched teams" was mind-blowing, wait until you see this garbage.
Best Names For Boats
You're welcome, rich people.
Laser-Based CD-ROM Technology Is the Future of Digital Computing!
What is a CD-ROM? A platter that fits in the palm of your hand, made of space age polymers and reflective aluminum so thin you could lay it on a sheet of paper then lay another sheet of paper on top of it.
FAQ: Returning to Work After a Three Day Weekend
Top rated guide to help you get back to work!
The Dad Jones Index
(It's like the Dow Jones Index, but for dads.)
I... I am Ready to Become Your President
If you are sick of all the yelling and bigotry in politics, the gentle creature that came out of the cellar and quietly wants to be president might just be the candidate for you!
DROVES OF DOGS (Part 31)
COLORFUL TUBED DOG - Our morbidly obese bulldog Windsor got stuck in one of those colorful obstacle course tubes. It's already grafted to her skin. Tube is about 10 feet long and neon orange. Put food in front end of tube, shake out other end over dumpster. 555-3318
The Most Outlandish Costumes In Comic Book History
Nice dress. What is this, a dress convention? Idiot.
An Excerpt From El Chapo & Sean Penn's Film, "Tough Twins"
Blood is thicker than drugs...or is it?
We Deserve to Know Where the Presidential Candidates Stand on Anime and Manga
Otaku Obama thanks Japan for anime and manga. Will our next president continue to hand this country over to the Japanese or will they build the dang wall?
Something Awful: Ten Years as the New Guy
Please grant me the permission to be unfunny on purpose so I can celebrate 10 years of trying to be funny on purpose.
Surprisingly Dark TV Finales
In the finale of the second season, Dexter finds out there will be several more seasons. (See also: Sons of Anarchy)
The Top Games Done Quick Donation Comments
The heartfelt result of combining cancer stories with video games.
Tombstone Goofs
Turning epitaphs into epic laffs!
2016's Resolutions You've Probably Already Broken
Sometimes it feels like you live on a street of bad habits and everyone around you is trying to sabotage your efforts at self improvement.
