VH1 Storytellers: Plague Piper
Legendary musician/harbinger of doom the Plague Piper appears on VH1 Storytellers to share the inspiration behind some of his most popular songs.
Fallout 4: Commonwealth Classifieds (Part 8)
MURDERERS APPLY - Join the most ruthless and ill-defined group in the Commonwealth. We Gunners aim to kill and occupy the whole dang wasteland. All applicants shot on sight, so come prepared to die.
Blue Bloods Is A TV Show About Right Cops And Wrong Everyone Else
TONIGHT'S EPISODE: The Real Victim Here Is Cops
I Livetweet The Dumb Stuff My Boss Says! #BossFails
Everyone thinks they have the world's dumbest boss, but mine really takes the cake!
Christmas is the Perfect Day to Think About Jeb!
NO DOnald! It's not over. This Christmas Jeb! is just getting started.
Santa Claus: Next Year, We're Switching Our Efforts to Necromancy
Santa struggles to keep up with a changing world.
Video Game Confessions
A muscle cyborg was bunny-hopping sideways near some lava and grunting. I had a super shotgun in my hands. I will never forgive myself for what transpired next.
Winter Is Just Your Life in Hard Mode
For the next few months, your life ramped up the difficulty setting.
Christmas Ornaments That Anger & Confuse Me
Merry Christmas, from the Snow Toilet!
You Can Put All Your Fears to Rest: The Force Awakens is Good
Hopeful fans are consumed with worry about the new Star Wars movie. Allow J.J. Abrams to put those fears, and all others, to rest.
"STAR TRACK: BEYOND" TRAILER MEMO - DO NOT REDISTRIBUTE
Cut to - Kirk and Spock standing on the bridge of the enterprise. Kirk smirks roguishly. “You know what we have to do, right?” Spock responds. “We have to go…” Both of them finish the thought simultaneously: “BEYOND.” They fist bump.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Hollywood Smiles Teeth Whitening Kit (Part 46)
WHAT a RIPOFF!!!!! You can get the same effect by smiling at the sun for a few hours every day, which is what I do. Guess what, bucko? The Sun is 100% free, delivered to your front door every day.
Latest Additions to the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Cast and Crew
Thanks to its hugely successful Kickstarter, Mystery Science Theater 3000 is coming back in a big way, and the pool of talent working on the show keeps expanding. Here are some folks who joined the production in the five minutes that passed since you last checked.
Here's Some Star Wars Spoilers I Made Up To Get Attention
There's a Star Wars movie coming out??
What the Toilet Ghoulie From Ghoulies Can Teach Us About Tolerance
As we confront the darkness of the American zeitgeist, we should turn to a true example of tolerance: the toilet ghoulie.
This Will be E-Z Pay Day Loans' Most Festive Christmas Yet
Even predatory lenders know the reason for the season.
Other False Claims on Apple's Website
If I can't believe every word on Apple's website, where the heck am I going to get my world news?
How Different College Majors Handle Finals
Every major has their own preference on how to crack under the pressure.
Highlights from Obama's Address If A Bee Had Flown In
Last night, President Obama gave a powerful address from the Oval Office. But what if a bee had flown in?
Good Guy With a Plan: How to Protect Yourself and Your Family From a Mass Shooting
With heavily armed and armored jihadis and maniacs invading our public spaces, there is only one clear path to self-defense.
What If Kurt Cobain Is Spying on Us?
Many reviewers feel the new album of Kurt Cobain's home recordings violates the dead musician’s privacy. But what if Kurt Cobain is really spying on us?
AMPLITUDES OF DOGS (Part 30)
YOUNG AND USELESS - Meek dog lacks the age and experience necessary for the grim task at hand. Will trade for a dog unshackled from morality, and willing to do what needs to be done. 555-1299
David Byrne Gets Away With Everything
This is not my jury summons!
Real Slate Headline or Fake Slate Headline?
Can you figure out which clickbait headlines are a gross parody of journalism itself, and which are fake?
The Best Black Friday Deals to Be Found By Smoking DMT, the Spirit Molecule
Forget Target or Best Buy, if you want deals this Black Friday you can't do better than smoking massive, mind-melting quantities of DMT.
This is the Thanksgiving We Acknowledge Your Brother's Realdoll Girlfriend
A reluctant family is forced to welcome a non-human participant to Thanksgiving dinner.
Essential Lifehacks For Blackhat Lifehackers
Perfect Eggs Every Time: Hold an egg in your cupped hands. Put your hands over a fire, squeezing them together gently to crack the egg open. Try not to let any egg liquid or egg shell fall out between your fingers.
Dear Library, Please Forgive the Following Fines
Absolve me of my past fines, so that I may checkout again.
Pokémon Battle Tips From A Psychopath
Gotta imprison and psychologically torture 'em all!
The Good Nerd From the GE Commercials is Developing the Singularity
You may think apps are cool, but there is actually something way cooler going on at General Electric.
The Most Controversial IGN Reviews
+ Competently designed core mechanic copied over from a previously successful game, so let's be real, this is already at least getting an 8
Welcome to the Brotherhood of Steel
Even when you picked up too many laser guns, so many that you could barely move and then spent five minutes carefully discarding individual pieces of garbage from your pockets -- all while I fought our enemies with little hope of survival -- you showed phenomenal fortitude.
Fallout 4 Takes Environmental Storytelling to the Next Level
I knew it was environmental storytelling because there was a skeleton next to a thing.
What's Coming To Netflix In 2016
From "Ghost Lawyer" to "Whus' All Dis' Den," here's a preview of 2016's hottest Netflix Original Series.
In Memoriam: Jihadi John
Jihadi John has passed away at the young age of 27. He touched the lives of many and his loss will be deeply felt.
Web Awards I'll Never Win
At the risk of burning some very important bridges, allow me to share my list of the awards that I should have received for my unique talents, but didn't.
Telltale Signs You've Lost a Finger While Playing the Knife Game
Your finger is on the table. It's usually on your hand.
5 Hottest College Football Uniform Trends
See them here first before they make it to the field.
Worf's Honor Roll
Stabbing someone in the back? No honor. Stabbing someone in the front? Hella honor.
What Size of Flag Does Each Presidential Candidate Prefer?
Who among the 2016 presidential candidates has the biggest flag? Who has the smallest? These are the questions that demand answers.
The Necronomicon Reading Group Guide
Are you leading a class or book club discussion on Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, aka the book of the dead? Here are 13 prompts to get things rolling.
Memos from Bear Cave: the King Frog Scenario (Part 20)
From now on, you're going to do exactly what I say, and only what I say. I am the only one here who knows what we're up against. We're on the razor's edge here, inches away from the King Frog Scenario. In case you idiots failed Soup History 101, that's what brought down so many of the greats.
Remembering Downton Abbey
As Downton Abbey nears the conclusion of its sixth and final season, it's the perfect time to celebrate this landmark show. With so many characters and so many tremendous changes throughout the epic storyline spanning the years 1912- 1925, it's difficult to choose a handful of favorite moments, but I've done my best.
Hey, We See You're Using Adblock Plus!
Won't you consider whitelisting us? We promise: no more Santa porno ads!
Great Last Minute Halloween Costumes
If your head has been steaming trying to come up with a last minute Halloween outfit, let us ease that pressure with these great costumes.
Legacy of Puns Will Outlive Local Janitor's Mysterious, Gruesome Death
Demented child killers: they're just like you and me.
The Assassin's Creed Text Adventure
Welcome to Assassin's Creed: SUBTITLE. You are a snarky, flippant young person. Soon TRAGIC EVENT happens. Now you are a snarky, flippant young person with MOTIVATION. Here, take some wrist knives and this hood.
Attention: Global Ban on all Breaking Bad Halloween Costumes
Your costume is is the Halloween equivalent of a CSI rerun on TNT.
Lines Cut From "Hotel For Dogs" Due To Time Constraints
'My children are dead! Damn you, Hotel For Dogs!'
An Outraged Thinkpiece From 1968 Following a Don Rickles Performance
All I wanted was a comedy show. What I got was an attack on my child and our family.
The Kids Finally Finished Their 9/11 Tribute!
Please enjoy this dignified, respectful tribute to the famous 9/11 boondoggle of aught 1.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Ten Commandments Tablet (Part 45)
Best thing I've ever done was buy a set of these and set them up in place of our old TV. Now my family and I spend two solid hours of prime time every night looking them over from across the living room. We're having a lot more fun and best of all...no more arguing over the remote!
Guessing Game: THIS IS GONNA HURT (Part 2)
Can you guess which video games these message board posts are talking about? Hover your mouse over each image to see if you're right. The posts are 100% real. The answers probably aren't.
The Ultimate Bernie/Hillary Meme
Here's where Bernie & Hillary stand, in one convenient, lie-packed meme.
How to Escape From a Conversation About Fantasy Football
If you're not playing fantasy football, but your friends or coworkers are in a league, you are enduring the single worst thing a human can survive: the fantasy football conversation. We're here to help.
Not Every Halloween Effigy is About YOU, Steve
One neighbor's Halloween decorations may hit a little too close to home.
Dungeon Master Tryouts
The hardest part of finding a new dungeon master is wading through thousands of applications. Will this D&D group choose the drone pilot, professional athlete, skeleton warrior, or Wolf Blitzer?
Do You Know When to Say "It's Just Allergies"
Sometimes it’s helpful to explain your allergies, other times you just need to apologize for sneezing on someone’s face.
Signs You Aren't Invited To Jim & Karen's Wedding
Jim & Karen's wedding is gonna be a blast! Here's some hints you aren't invited.
Ben Carson Would Murk a Gunman and Other Carson Solutions That Would Definitely Work
Doctor Ben Carson, Popeye's survivor, has some advice about school shootings, terrorists on airplanes, chopping malls, and more perilous scenarios.
My Tattoos Have Made Me the Most Unique Person on Earth. Now I Feel Utterly Alone
With all these great tats, it's safe to say I'm the most unique person on earth. Which sounds great, until you realize how lonely it is.
PACK OF DOGS (Part 29)
FULLY SPOTTED DOG - My attempts to remove the spots from a Dalmatian completely backfired, and now I have a useless dog that is all spots and nothing else.
Ready For A Stand By Me Remake? How About Eight?
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Magneto's Advice Column
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
To Survive, We Must Become Guns
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
Essential Quicksand Safety Tips
Find out how to protect you and your loved ones with convenient tips about nature's slowest and most uncommon killer.
Guess Which Games These Message Board Posts Are About (Part 1)
Below you will find actual posts from video game message boards. Can you figure out which games they're talking about? Take a guess then hover your mouse over each post to see the correct answer. If you can't hover a mouse cursor over each post because you''re on a tablet or phone, eat a rotten butt.
Time to Dedicate Yourself to Your #facialhair! Now!
Time to let your pimples bubble and swell under your beard like some acne Machu Picchu.
The Worst Reddit Writing Prompts Of All Time
Reddit's /r/writingprompts covers what redditors truly care about: time travel, Harry Potter, Batman & Hitler.
No, Michael, Social Justice Warriors Are Not Ruining Comedy for Archangels
Sinners are an easy target and one that is already suffering in squalor. Aim higher. Punch up.
Memorable Quotes From Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain
SNAKE: [faint sound of Kiefer Sutherland being paid per word] OK
Spout.ly: Sour Sips for September 2015 (Part 12)
It's been a painful month thus far for Shaggy Butte's steadfast sippers. While a few fountains have shown great promise, such as the VFW Hall's new fountain, many are pumping out plenty of disappointment. Unless you've simply gotta try 'em all, keep your thirst away from these certified diarrhea hydrants.
I'm On To You, Lady In This 15-Year-Old Episode Of Antiques Roadshow
You thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Bringing your porcelain pig to an Antiques Roadshow taping fifteen years ago. Peddling your deceit to the hosts and camera crew. You were good. But I'm better.
The Five CRAZIEST Moments From Last Night's EMMY Awards
Here's the five wildest moments from one amazing night!
Questions Most Likely to Be Asked at the Next Donald Trump Town Hall
Voters are finally asking Donald Trump the hard questions and here are a few you are likely to hear at upcoming town halls.
MacArthur High School's Other Fake Terror Scares
Learn about MacArthur High School's many brushes with fake terror.
Deathbed Testbed Monthly
Every month the editors of Deathbed Testbed provide expert opinions on the hottest technology as they perish.
Appropriate Levels of Guilt from Sleeping In Too Late
A helpful guide for coping with your inability to function like an adult.
Hearthstone Emotes We Actually Need
Hearthstone has over 30 million players worldwide. So clearly, they're doing something wrong. Could more useful emotes save this doomed little game?
I love the Flintstones Era. So I decided to live in it.
My wife and I dwell in a simpler time, even if the foolish modern world goes on around us.
24 Hour Partybots
Late in the 21st century, most human recreation is performed by robots. Every night, the robots go to bars and nightclubs and transmit the experience to their human masters. At the end of the night, the robots must return to their factories to be destroyed. This is not called execution. It’s called closing time.
SkyMall Product Reviews: End Table Crate (Part 44)
Works great as a family penalty box. Break a rule: that's an hour in the crate, buddy. No exceptions. I have purchased 4 and all are currently occupied 24/7 by my awful, rowdy sons.
Dumb Quotes About Technology From Supposedly Smart People
Back in the 1980s Bill Gates definitely said "No computer will ever need more than 640k of memory, which isn't a lot of memory at all but there you go". This statement has haunted Gates ever since.
Hey, Ted Cruz, the Bible Doesn't Mention Anything About Sonic Marrying Tails
The bigotry must stop in this country. Sonic and Tails belong together and their happiness is all that matters.
Friends Coming Over Tonight, Ranked in Order of Rowdiness
A guide to the loud, large men who will be filling our living room weekly.
Doctor Strange - Master of Sorcery and Convenient Snacks
He has unlocked the secrets of the universe and seen beyond the mortal plane, yet Doctor Strange can't believe how easy it is to eat an olive.
Time to Convince Yourself that Your Summer Wasn’t Wasted
You can realize that you’ve wasted the last few moments of youth at an occupation you hate or fool yourself into a numb compliance with one of these great excuses.
#NoLivesMatter
You've heard of #BlackLivesMatter and #AllLivesMatter, but the ancient voice of a mountain offers us the hardest truth of all: #NoLivesMatter. And also some opinions about immigrants.
Let's Brainstorm Some Ideas for Our New ISIS Video
The ISIS head of propaganda holds a brainstorming session with his top men to come up with new viral videos.
TV Tropes> Media > Franchise: Marvel Cinematic Universe
The Marvel Cinematic Universe is the TROPE NAMER for: You Just Got Marvel Cinematic Universe’d!
CASCADES OF DOGS (Part 28)
VILE RASPUTIN-LIKE PUG - Gnarly facial hair and long nails that drag across the floor. Ceaseless wet cough. Glass-eyed gaze. Menacing giggle. Ideal for advanced owners only.
Review: Fear the Walking Dead
Fear the Walking Dead features an entirely new cast of characters. These guys are corpses, but they move around and moan. It's ridiculous. Their flesh is all discolored and gross. They shamble towards living people and bite them. Who the heck thought of this nonsense?
We Must Honor Our Fallen Heroes and Continue the Fight For Our Right to Party
We did not begin this war, but America must not quit it until it has been won. Our rights must be protected and the sacrifice of all those brave men and women must be honored.
The Many Ways Satan Has Tested Josh Duggar
Satan has tested poor Josh Duggar at every opportunity and Josh hasn't always passed those tests.
Study: Participation Awards to Blame for Most Things
Right now, your child's bedroom closet could be full of ticking time bombs. These seemingly harmless items may be branded with phrases like "Honorable Mention" or "Certified Lil' Slugger," but, in reality, they spell one thing: trouble.
My Second, More Detailed Defense of Amazon's Working Conditions
A recent article laid out a disturbing pattern of employee cruelty and abuse at Amazon. For some reason my unequivocal denial, "That sure doesn't sound like the company I know... ha... ha..." wasn't clear enough. Well, today I'd like to correct that by addressing every specific charge in the article.
When is it time to do laundry?
A helpful guide for anyone who hasn’t quite figured it out.
Allow Me, a Journalist, to Describe the Captain America: Civil War Trailer to You
Making films may be a visual medium, we may live in an era of everyone having a video camera, but you're going to read a description of an advertisement.
If the Canadians Betrayed Us and Other Alternate D-Day Speeches
Dwight Eisenhower prepared for every contingency with his D-Day Speeches.
The World's Most Dangerous Band
We’ve been called the world’s most dangerous band. That title mainly refers to the danger of being in our band, which has lost several members due to drug overdoses, time-travel mishaps or because they were eaten by our drummer, Quark. I'd fire Quark, but he's 12 feet tall and is our moral compass for all decisions that don't involve eating people.
I'm The Guy Who Threw a Stone inside a Glass House
Not only are glass houses challenging to live in, they're also expensive. It cost me a fortune to hire a team of glass blowers to construct an entire ranch-style house out of pure glass. You should be criticizing me for that, not me throwing a stone.
Don't Tread on Me
The Gadsden flag is certainly striking and iconic, but most people have no idea that it was merely one part of a twelve-flag work of sequential art. If you want to understand the full scope of this historical artifact, you must see it in its original context.
The World's Worst Ally
As a great ally, I just had some thoughts about the tone of your argument that would help out.
If Leading Republican Candidates Were Movie Monsters
Choose which screen beast you want to triumph in the primary and face Hillary in the lair of the white worm.
Lessons Learned from the Ultimate Lifehacker
Learn how to simplify your life from someone with no earthly desires.
How to Be My Rocket League Teammate
When I try to clear the ball, run into me at a thousand miles per hour, sending me flying halfway across the map. If the ball is coming down in front of the opposing goal and I'm in position to tap it in, run into me at a thousand miles per hour. Never stop slamming into me at a thousand miles per hour, unless you can slam into me even faster.
How to Explain eSports to Normal People
eSports are getting more attention, but these new non-nerd spectators have no idea what's going happening. Help them understand how and why you've decided to waste your life with these simple approaches.
Donald Trump's Fantasy Cabinet Roster
Donald Trump is drafting friends, relatives, and even enemies into his fantasy cabinet.
Welcome to the Policeman's Haunted House of Horrors!
This Halloween, the most terrifying house for policemen is opening its doors. If you're a cop, get ready to have nightmares!
iTunes New & Noteworthy & Terrible Podcasts!
Ariana Grande? No way! Here's a podcast that looks squarely at Ariana Grande and says, ‘No way!’
MENAGERIE OF DOGS (Part 27)
TECHNICALLY A DOG - I have expertly subdivided a horse to create what is, scientifically speaking, a dog. I have done this 10 times before and plan to keep doing it forever!!! $400. 555-2466
Become a Video Game Streaming Superstar in 5 Easy Steps
Step One: Salvage a ridiculous chair from a race car or a fighter jet. Now it will support your ridiculous body as you play a virtual card game.
Clues Hidden in the Theme Song for True Detective Season 2
Leonard Cohen's "Nevermind" is sliced up differently for each episode of True Detective's second season. Find out what the lyrics mean!
OHHHHHH YYEEEEEAH! The Macho Man Warned You About Hulk Hogan
The real HELL IN THE CELL is inside Hulk Hogan's hateful jabroni heart.
Essential Facts About Introverts
Are you a filthy, worthless extrovert? Find out how to interact with superior introverts with our handy guide!
The Ghost Dimension Is Basically a Whole Dimension of Ghosts
The first dimension is paper, laid flat. No folds or creases. The second dimension is a stick figure drawn on the first dimension. The third dimension is everything that can be observed in our universe with a 3D tv. The fourth dimension is purely theoretical and located somewhere in either the space-time continuum or Canada.
2015's Best Songs (for Specific Ocassions)
A compilation of the best tracks (and runner-ups) for specific moments in your life. No monkey business.
reasoms donald trump ams best for america
HE BE BEST PRESIDENT. NO believe? YOU BELIEVE AFTER THIS SIMPLE FACT.
NASA New Horizons Pluto Mission Explores the Limits of the Word "Exciting"
NASA scientists have new data to analyze from the New Horizons probe that may finally help them to understand the word "exciting."
Trapped in Traffic: A Stream of Consciousness
Maybe if I chug the water and then pee into the empty bottle, the water I chugged won’t hit until...
HERD OF DOGS (Part 26)
RETIRED BLOODHOUND is docile and intelligent, but still determined to catch the serial murderer who got away. If he picks up the scent, just roll with it. 555-8172
NotInventedHere.info: Where ideas become memories!
Welcome to THE premier site for sharing stories about YOUR stolen inventions and unsung creations!
The Best Quotes From Beyond Scared Straight at Lambspoke Penitentiary
Unforgettable quotes from the time a cursed supermax prison played host to a weird bunch of troubled kids on this infamous episode of "Beyond Scared Straight."
Why I Won't Be Seeing the New Ghostbusters Movie
Since when did it become bad to have an opinion? I'm tired of being accused of sexism for not wanting all-female Ghostbusters.
Minion Memes for Your Social Media Feeds
Fire with fire on the social network battlefield using these killer memes.
True Detective Season 3 Sneak Peek
A body lies in a warehouse storing skeletons, devil masks, broken dolls, Satanic pentagram stencils, inexpertly stuffed dead animals, out of tune music boxes, and flickering light bulbs. The corpse has been mangled, its intestines pulled out to spell "Spooky Force" on the ground.
![Cricket Chirp Thermometer [Advanced Techniques]](https://fpi.somethingawful.com/sasbi/promo/cdf039a1/72c2935f/315a7d4c/ec997c35/13974.jpg)
Cricket Chirp Thermometer [Advanced Techniques]
The most advanced and up-to-date method of checking the temperature from cricket noises.
Upcoming Encyclicals From Pope Francis, The Best Pope
Pope Francis, the best Pope, has a number of upcoming encyclicals to change the way Catholics view the world.
Female Comedians Should Be Grateful If Louis C.K. Beats Off In Front of Them
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Freakypizza: The Sweater Curse
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Enthusiast Lingo (Part 11)
Can't tell a drinking fountain from a urinal? We've got you covered. Brush up on your drinking fountain enthusiast -- or sipper -- vocabulary and learn to talk and swap sips with the best of them.
Minutes of the 2015 Unicode Emoji Meeting
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
Weird Horror Master Thomas Ligotti's Review of the Hotdog Pizza from Pizza Hut (Part 36)
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
Fantastic Beasts: New and Returning Harry Potter Characters
Harry Potter and friends are returning in a new trilogy of films. Get your wizard hats ready and find out who will be back and which fan favorites may be introduced to the screen.
Sex and the City 2015
Witness what the jet-setting life of TV's Carrie Bradshaw would be like when set against the depressing reality of modern publishing.
Deus Ex and the Case of the Mechanical Apartheid
In Deus Ex some people get implants to jump higher, punch through walls, or crawl through air ducts with superhuman finesse, while others use their augs to mindlessly walk back and forth along a set path in downtown Future Detroit without deviating or getting tired.
Tan Line Database: W Entries
Your number one resource for all types of summer tan lines.
Our Extremely Dumb Killer Whales Love It Here At SeaWorld
Terrible attendance and negative press have SeaWorld going on the offensive with an advertisement about their whales.
Confederate Flag Etiquette and Disposal
Useful information on how to display, handle, and properly dispose of the flags of the Confederacy.
What's New on Netflix This Month!
NOW STREAMING: Something with A Sexy Lady on the Cover, But It's About Human Trafficking, You Creep
Memos from Bear Cave: the Alice Cooper Lockdown (Part 19)
I just became aware of this Alice Cooper creep. Apparently this clown is putting on some kind of rock show over at the arena. I don't care for him, his music, his appearance, his attitude or any part of his act. It's disgusting. As of today, he's banned from the premises.
Windows 10 Preview Patch Notes
Now Tablet Mode recognizes and responds to touchscreen inputs! From one finger only. And not the finger you're thinking of.
A Girl Can't Focus On Science With Dr. Tim In Here Like Magic Mike
First Tim Hunt comes in here wearing no lab coat and just a sweater vest and button down, then he expects us to concentrate on labeling specimens. As if!
Women Are Not Capable of Understanding Robocop
First Kyle Smith explained why women can't understand Goodfellas, now he has an explanation for why women can't wrap their female brains around Robocop.
Jeb Bush's SparkNotes
Let Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush give you his unique interpretation of some literary classics.
I'm On Your Team, Standing Still
Hey. Hey. Hey. I call for a pick up. Hey. You hit the brakes on your jeep and back up. I don't move. Hey. Hey. I need a ride. Hey. Hey. You honk the horn. I don't move.
Spotify's New Income Generating Updates
With the addition of Apple Music on the horizon, Spotify's new changes are certain to make the free service more profitable.
We Were Gutted To Repeatedly Read That You're Done With Game of Thrones
We are begging you: keep watching! Whether or not you watch Game of Thrones means everything to us.
Slavoj Zizek's Board Game Reviews (Part 35)
Philosopher and commentator Slavoj Zizek offers his analytical reviews of popular board games.
Freakypizza: The Legend of Grout Man
Elliot told us the legend of Grout Man, a ghostly being who used his psychic powers to make teenagers steal grout and bring it to his mansion in the woods. He then made them grout the tiles on his patio for all eternity.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Giant Red King Crab Statue (Part 43)
A fitting tribute to Crabnar, our Lord and Savior from the Briny Depths below. I shall pray always to this altar, and make sacrifices worthy of His Succulence.
Geralt of Rivia: Legendary Witcher, Idiot, Occasionally In Control of His Body
Geralt breaks his ankles when he steps down from a height of more than three inches. If he were to hop over a waist-high fence his body would reach terminal velocity, exploding into paste and white stubble when it came into contact with the soft grass on the other side.
The Final Diary Entry of the Brooding Idiot From Hatred
The controversial new massacre video game Hatred is finally available. Find out what drove the nameless protagonist over the edge.
You'll Never Believe What Different Countries Are Searching for On HornySearch
What is the world searching for when it wants porn? The stats will blow your mind.
Even I Can't Believe I'm Not Dead
it's hard to shake the feeling that I've always got five stars in this Grand Theft Auto known as life.
Plot Points for Under the Dome Seasons 3 Through 10
Now, inexplicably, season three is looming over us like some sort of dome. Season one's plot asked whether or not the town could get out from under the dome. Apparently the answer was "no". Season two asked "I guess we're really stuck, huh?" and the answer was "yup".
Review of the Five Newest IPAs in Town
With an average of 40 IPAs added every day, it can be difficult to taste them all
You Must Face the Elders for Breaking the One Rule of Farmers Only Dot Com
Apparently you do want to be lonely, because you defied the one rule of Farmers Only.
Things We Found in the Woods That We Are Not Telling Mom and Dad About
We've found some cool stuff in the woods. Now it's time for you to pinkie swear you won't tell mom and dad.
My Best Attempt at Explaining DC Comics' Convergence Event
There's a Brainiac. He's not THE Brainiac. However, he's one aspect of Brainiac. Or maybe there's supposed to be a different Brainiac in every universe and they're all cosmically connected, presumably via their brains. Either way, I think this particular Brainiac is the boss Brainiac.
ABUNDANCE OF DOGS (Part 25)
SUPPRESSIVE DOG is overburdened with body thetans and refuses to cooperate with my attempts to audit him. I have no choice but to disconnect from him and adopt a better dog. 555-1294
Incendiary Slate Headlines That Are Totally Up for Grabs!
As a service to underpaid Slate.com freelancers, SA has compiled a list of ‘clickworthy’ headlines that are sure to stop Facebook users mid-scroll. Because who has time to think of a think piece?
Men in Art Who Can't Even Believe Their Level of Privilege
If there is one quality all men in art share, it's male privilege. And they can't even believe how much of it they have.
Sorry, Ladies, They're Bio Truths
As much as modern ladies strive for total equality, they cannot escape the inherent truth of their biology.
I F***ed Blues Traveler
If you were alive in the '90s, you'd know Blues can Travel to the top of the charts--but did you know it could Travel right into your Heart?
Stop being mean to Joss Whedon!! NO
Here's an important story that real news sites have been covering: Joss Whedon got kicked off and BANNED from Twitter recently because of a ruthless cadre of trolls who said shit fuck about his big leather titty sarcasm teen girl secret agent from the latest joss whedon movie or tv show or whatever.
What Your Wedding Gifts Say About You
Make sure that the half-baked, last minute gift you bring to the next wedding isn't misinterpreted!
Why I Made a Giant Pig Named Muhammad in Minecraft
The Minecraft Patriot stands up for the First Amendment with a devastating free speech broadside on ISIS.
TOOL Argues Against a Parking Ticket in Traffic Court
The band Tool goes to traffic court to argue, using diagrams, photographic evidence, and alt metal expanded consciousness, that they could not see a No Parking sign and therefore should not have to pay a parking ticket.
The Kill List MFA Program
The Kill List MFA Program grants a terminal (no pun intended) degree in writing lists of targets for the U.S. government to extrajudicially murder. The online program meets twice a year to workshop the students' lists.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Cowch Holstein Cow Bench (Part 42)
The perfect addition to my living room. The hardy resin exterior is fantastic, because I can just hose it down to remove all the raccoon dung that tends to accumulate.
What to Say to Stay Inside
Now with the sun and the warmth and the generally pleasant atmosphere, you can no longer blame the weather for why you've spent the last sixteen hours sitting inside. You'll need to stay on your toes if you want to stay in your chair.
Your Chili Cheese Chicken is Pretty Fucking Far From Money
This tuna ain't working, bro, and this gross hot dog needs a one way trip to go live on your uncle's Flavor Farm.
Millennials Have No Idea How Good They Have It
These millennials have no idea how it feels to really work. They would never think about spending all day in the hot sun with their carapace baking and their dung drying out.
How A Single Speech Stopped Racism Forever
Learn how one man ended injustice forever with a single speech.
Faces of Chewbacca
In which we are introduced to several Chewbaccas, including You're About To Drink From The Exposed Inner Surface Of My Skull And I Couldn't Be Happier Chewbacca.
Stink Bug Facts
Important information on the most populous animal on earth and perhaps the universe.
Yo Momma So Unspeakable or: H.P. Lovecraft Plays the Dozens
You may have thought that a long dead author who was basically terrified of black people would be bad at the dozens. And you'd be right.
I Am Just Helping Complete Idiots Be Their Best Selves
Dr. Oz, professional TV doctor, offers up some dieting tips and advice on how to remove all your negative ions.
PAX 2015 Panel Schedule!
I was able to pull some strings and secure an advance copy of this year’s PAX panel schedule. Enjoy!
SkyMall Product Reviews: Goddess of Light Floor Lamp (Part 41)
Does not handle moisture well. When I took it in the shower, it didn't take long before I got a really nasty shock and then smoke started coming out. This clearly was not engineered to withstand normal wear and tear.
Best Buy's Revised Trade-In Dehumanization Process
Want to take part in our much-publicized trade in program to swap an old tablet or video game for in-store credit? Great! We just need your license, home phone number, email address, work number, and your fingerprints. We might even take a mugshot of you.
Increasingly Depressing Upcoming Loot Crates for 2015
Are you ready to be consistently depressed by how you're throwing your money and life away? Check out Loot Crate's 2015 lineup of upcoming crates!
What the Latest Trailer Tells Us About the New Brazilian Star Wars
The Internet is obsessed with the new trailer for Brazilian Star Wars part 2. We break down the action for insight into the upcoming film.
Join Tulsa's Senior Junior Deputy Program!
Tulsa's boys in blue reach out to an unlikely group for support: the senior community.
The Official Mortal Kombat X Timeline
6000 BG (before Goro): That techno Mortal Kombat song is released, creating a ripple effect throughout the multiverse.
How to Pull an All-Nighter
The perfect strategy for those delusional enough to think that months of work can be accomplished in ten consecutive hours.
Cormac McCarthy Answers Questions For the Washington Post's "On Parenting" Blog (Part 34)
Legendary author Cormac McCarthy takes time out of his schedule of describing run down Americana to answer parenting questions.
These Signs Will Help Your Business Raise Money on Gofundme
Looking for a sweet, sweet taste of that conservative gofundme cash? Our signs will help your business get things started.
More Things That Happen When You Assume
You know what happens when you assume ... or do you? Here are some more consequences of assuming you might not be aware of.
BUNCH OF DOGS (Part 24)
WHEEZING WHIPPETS What we have is 7 genuine whippet dogs, all dangerously out of breath from me chasing them around the Wal-Mart parking lot with a chainsaw. A mere $50 apiece. 555-1239
1999's Most-Pirated Files
Sixth Sense - Quicktime Trailer Cracked to Show Full Movie This Is Very Real.qt
The Best Kickstarter Backer NPCs in Pillars of Eternity
The release of Pillars of Eternity has helped restore our faith in Kickstarter backed games. The Kickstarter backers pitched in to make a great game with these amazing characters.
The Sex Talk as Given By Pink Floyd
When your children need The Talk, where better to turn than prog rock legends Pink Floyd?
8 Things Made Illegal by Indiana's Religious Freedom Restoration Act
A list of things to avoid whenever you're in Gary or any of the Hoosier State's beautiful and welcoming locations.
How to Tell If Your Teenage Skeleton Warrior Joined a Psycho Blood Cult
You ask how his day went and he responds, "Fine." Or, you ask what he's up to and he says, "Nothing."
A Complete Chronological List of David Bowie Characters
Rock legend David Bowie has changed his identity with almost every album. Can you remember all these classic Bowie characters?
Actually, It is Buckley Carlson Who is the LabiaFace
Tucker Carlson's idiot brother just called New York mayor Bill de Blasio's spokeswoman a "LabiaFace."
Fun Good Time Forums > Animals > Picture of my cat
Hey, have you guys ever seen a picture of a cat before? Well, guess what. It’s your lucky day, because I’m mixing the concept of a picture of my cat with the concept of the Internet!
SkyMall Product Review: Grand-Scale Humpty Dumpty Statue (Part 40)
Once again I'm stuck with a useless egg man statue and nobody to tend to my robust physical and emotional needs. Worst of all, the egg man didn't even come with a stool. I have to share my recliner and bed with him, and he is not sensitive to my needs at all.
Who Are All These People in Wrestlemania and Why the Heck Are They Fighting?
Brock Lesnar was a successful UFC fighter, but a serious illness ate half his guts so he decided to retire from mixed martial arts and take things easy by slamming 300 pound men through tables. When he gets pumped up he does this victory/rage roar that sounds like a little baby bird bumping its knee on a tiny coffee table.
History's Great Safe Spaces
Proof that so-called "safe spaces" are not a recent invention! Nobunaga's ambition was to have a safe space where he did not have to hear or see or think about his enemies
The Torturous Games Jimmy Fallon Will Make You Play in His Fiefdom of Hell
Guess you should have respected your parents, because you're dead and in hell now and Jimmy Fallon has some games for you to play to pass the time forever.
10 Things You DEFINITELY Didn't Know About Back to the Future
Think you know everything there is to know about Hill Valley? Well, you can go straight to hell.
The Least Essential Issues of Marvel's 'What If?'
What If... the Red Skull became a master of disguise after discovering an alien artifact that allowed him to change the color of his skull at will?
Adopt These Discount Kitties
Amazing kitties available at your local humane society.
For Girls Only: Becoming a Good Woman
We have determined what is necessary to become a good woman. Heed our advice or lapse into failure.
Have You Seen This Dog?
If you recognize the dog in the picture, then we have a big security breach. I personally banished this dog from the neighborhood, so if you saw him, that means he is trespassing and threatening our way of life.
Spice up Your Romance with These Free Love Coupons!
Has the passion been fading from your relationship? Maybe it's time to try something new! Remind your partner that you love him or her with these fun and unique love coupons.
The Internet's Small Pleasures
The internet is such an integral part of our lives that we often overlook how shitty and dull it is. We keep coming back for a high that's never there, a potential that remains unfulfilled. So it's up to us to find pleasure in the small things.
Uses and Side Effects of The Perfect Drug, According to Nine Inch Nails
Federal law requires Nine Inch Nails to include all common side effects while promoting the benefits of their so-called "Perfect Drug."
Adrian Peterson, Who Beat His Child's Balls, May Not Return to the Vikings
NFL teams may soon be lining up to bid on a man who can destroy defensive lines as thoroughly as he destroyed his own child's balls.
Let's Agree to Disagree About Your "Keep Our Apartment Weird" Initiative
One roommate's art-fueled movement goes terribly wrong.
EXPLICIT Photos From My Stint As Emma Stone's Muse/Ghost Hunter
Emma Stone was the most paranoid person I had ever met. In private she wore a full suit of medieval armor at all times, visor down.
The Rings of Online Gamer Hell
Welcome to Gamer Hell, where those who committed sins in online games must pay for their crimes against noobs for eternity.
The Case Files of Supreme Detective Vladimir Putin
Russian President Vladimir Putin has sworn to personally investigate the murder of opposition leader Boris Nemtsov. In fact, Putin plans to use his expertise to solve most major crimes.
Men's Hats Ranked From Most to Least Tainted
Finding the right hat can feel like walking through a minefield for guys. Did a murderer wear your hat? Was it ruined by bros? Are you just an idiot? Find out with our authoritative ranking of bad hats.
All the So-Called 'Blatant Eroticism' in My Stories Has a Valid, In-Universe Justification
The Amazonians value combat prowess and purity of spirit. By wrestling half naked, they pay homage to both virtues by displaying their battle-forged bodies while preserving as much modesty as their society deems necessary. The gelatin in which they wrestle is symbolic of the fluid nature of battle, a concept the Amazonians call ‘akgor-gra.’
SkyMall Product Reviews: NIGHT GLOW Toilet Seat (Part 39)
Pros: Much more comfortable than my last toilet seat, which was a transparent resin with seashells embedded inside. The outer layer wore off from friction, exposing the sharp jagged edges of the seashells, which were constantly scrapping my backside and causing major cuts and open sores.
Let's Get the Terrible Apple Car Jokes out of the Way
To start the windshield wipers I bet you have to put two fingers against the glass and swipe. This is a reference to touchscreens.
Best #AskHerMore Questions From the Oscars Red Carpet
Women on the Oscars Red Carpet this year finally get some decent questions thanks to the #AskHerMore campaign.
Bill Cosby vs. Bart Simpson in Retrospect
25 years after their famous feud began, we find out who truly risked leading America down the road to ruin.
You Idiots Must Stop Believing in a Man in the Sky Who Makes Vaccines
New Rule: no more injecting your religion into this debate. The vaccine science is in and I have read several articles about it on Natural News.
What Critics Are Saying
What critics are saying as they press their wobbly newborn heads through the shells of their rectangular wooden eggs and squint up at the complex's halogen lights: "Unforgettable! A classic!"
What your professor means when they cancel class
The only thing that matters is that you don't have to show up.
The Ultimate Ranking of American Presidents
The official USA ranking of all American presidents, from George Washington to George W. Bush and beyond. Where does your favorite president rank?
Realistic Warnings About Jungles From Guns N' Roses
Heed the warnings of Axl Rose and do not visit an actual jungle. And if you do, be prepared to poop yourself to death.
Guide to Betting at The Cheltenham Festivus: 2015 ed.
Since the 1800s, Cheltenham has been held every March in a small British hamlet that is coincidentally also named Cheltenham. There are horse beauty pageants, horse merry-go-rounds for the kids, and horse races, which flourish as a catalyst for angry people who love gambling and becoming steadily angrier throughout the course of four days.
Unlike My Opponent, Chapter Six (Part 6)
You won't find me or my social media team endorsing dangerous behavior. I will protect our children from deadly teen trends like cavemaning, where misguided youths freeze themselves in blocks of solid ice to earn internet cred.
That Trailer for Season 3 of Netflix's Zelda Is Mind-Blowing
A familiar silhouette steps into the outline of a too-large moon. In his trademark raspy growl, Link mutters "Sometimes I don't even know what I'm fighting for."
The Full Truth Behind Those Footprints On the Beach
In this touching and deeply spiritual prose poem, the Lord finally answers my questions about all those footprints on the beach.
I Might Have Misremembered Defeating the Beast With the Krull Glaive
NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams apologizes for getting confused about some details about an incident that happened a long time ago on the planet Krull.
The Mockingbird Imperative: A Cyberpunk Thriller
Find out what happened to Scout, Jem, and the rest in Harper Lee's first novel since 1960.
Mounting Evidence Suggests I'm An Idiot
Most people take a hands-on approach to their lives. I prefer to observe mine from a respectful distance. From this vantage point I've noticed some worrying behavior. This might shatter the mental image that you've built up, but I'm beginning to think I might be a big dumb idiot.
Please go home if you're sick.
Unless we need a real life example of what that green gas in The Rock does to a human body, you aren’t really offering much to the workplace.
A Comprehensive List of Most to Least Honorable Ways to Die
Will you die fighting for what you believe or will you be stepping out of the shower when your pet kills you? From samurai duels to Craigslist deals gone bad, we rank all the ways to die.
Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
SkyMall Product Reviews: Peacock Goddess Sculpture (Part 38)
This is the crown jewel of my erotic lamp collection, and a must-have for any serious pleasure lamp collector.
The Men Must Pay for What They Did to the Footballs
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
Who the Hell is Buying Rolos?
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
Sniper Chris Will Make You Cheer and Then Change the Way You Think of America
That atheist professor should have kept his mouth shut around this American Sniper.
An Urgent Plea to the King of Cartoons
The Cartoon Kingdom is restless. At its heart, a mad tyrant.
Nintendo's Selling Systems Without Power Cords, On Purpose
If you live in north America or Europe, the New Nintendo 3DS (not to be confused with the Nintendo 3DS, Nintendo 2DS, Nintendo 3DS U, or Nokia N-Gage) will not come with an AC adapter. I'm pretty sure that means you won't be able to charge the internal battery unless you rub the system against a power outlet for a few days and hope for the best.
Nabokov's Lolita annotated by Genius.com
What if SparkNotes were written by the people who need to read SparkNotes? It's here.
Heaven is for Real and for Some Reason I Went to Techno Heaven
6-year-old Hunter died and went to heaven. It just wasn't the heaven he was expecting.
I Have Simplified My Life With a Tiny House Full of Compartments for Porn
Time to say goodbye to suburban and city clutter and move out to an unzoned property with just me, my dog, and a selection of adult magazines in special compartments.
A Map of Brooklyn Street Gangs
Brooklyn was once a hotbed of gang violence, with groups like the Pure Hells, Satan Souls and Screaming Phantoms carving out their turf. The borough has gotten a bit safer over the years, but many dangerous gangs are still at large.
BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: Hazard & Meathook (Part 24)
This dog is no good. How do I know? Guess who spent six hours following this dog around town with a loaded gun. I would have kept following him, and maybe even put him down, but somebody called the SWAT team on me.
The Only Questions a Sideline Reporter Will Ever Need
I heard you have a new baby at home. This must be such an exciting, emotional time for you. I have to ask, though, what is a baby?
Boko Haram's Statement Upon Seizing Control of the Town From Footloose
The conservative town of Bomont is about to get slightly more conservative as the Nigerian terrorists invade.
Je Suis Charlie
With the help of the Internet, we offer our solemn tribute to the heroes of Charlie Hebdo who were brutally killed in Paris. Je Suis Charlie.
Developers of Glorn FAQ
Everything you need to know about your favorite hardcore German board game.
Which Movie Will Be More Bad: Blackhat or Jupiter Ascending?
Jupiter Ascending asks: What if one of the lesser Star Wars movies had the visual design of the Underworld series?
Tricks for Buying Super Rare Amiibos
Ten amazing tricks to finding the season's hottest nerd trinkets. [100% confirmed] [Uncle works at Nintendo]
Our New Open Office Will Foster the Creativity of Insane Masochists
Shutter Island? More like open workgroup! We have devised a new floor plan for the office based on 19th century insane asylums.
The Full List of Groups Mentioned in the Original Draft of KMFDM's "Megalomaniac"
An early draft of the KMFDM song "Megalomaniacal" reveals a much more extensive list of interesting groups of people.
Know Your Dragon Age: Inquisition Skills (Part 2)
You can use abilities and skills to win a video game. I recommend it! Here's a handy visual guide to the skills in Dragon Age: Inquisition. Push the button that does them and you'll win faster.
