The Top Viral Videos To Look Out For In 2014!
Get a jump on your 2013 sucker friends with the hottest viral videos of 2014!
You Might Be a Redneck Jokes From a Sinister Mirror Universe
Jeff Foxworthy's double has arrived from the sinister mirror universe and brought some surprising jokes.
Using Common Sense To Stay Cyber Secure
You don't need a Guy Fawkes mask and a fedora to keep your computer information secure. Just one of these objects of power should be more than capable of generating a field of sufficient strength to protect an average user. Two is overkill.
All These Years I Have Been Lying About Big Butts
I know this may effect our relationship, but I can't keep living this lie. I hate big butts.
The Alcoholic Dad's Day After Christmas Shopping Guide
All the best steals and deals for drunk dads who forgot about Christmas.
Monstergeddon Forums > Events > Gatherings > Howard's XXXmas Shindig! (Part 13)
BetterWatchOut posted: I only kill on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. My wrath isn’t for pleasure. These eyes were opened the Christmas morning I found my family dead, and I know it was because they mocked tradition and ate the cookies I left out for Santa. The naughty must be punished. Hail Santa.
December Birthdays are the Worst
Although their parents boned in March, those born in December have been screwed their whole life.
Terrence Malick's Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer
Director Terrence Malick reimagines the classic Christmas TV special featuring a certain red-nosed reindeer.
There's Probably No Escape From Savage Bloodprison Island
That sucker is high grade chain link. Newest tech on the market. You ever tried to scale a chain link fence? It's impossible. The holes are nowhere near big enough for your feet to find purchase.
What to Say to Friends and Family About "Duck Dynasty"
Duck Dynasty. Duck Dynasty. Duck Dynasty! We have some valuable tips to help you escape the inevitable Duck Dynasty conversation.
THE TUBE ADVENTURE!
A fun free flash game where you explore tubes and discover secrets!
SkyMall Product Reviews: HoodiePillow Hooded Pillowcase (Part 28)
Love it! This works better than my old method of awkwardly squeezing my head and torso into a pillowcase, especially since I often got stuck or lost circulation in my limbs/head.
These 83 Naked Dads Using Computers Are What You Look Like Right Now
You look like this. This is how you look.
I hope you appreciate how wisely I invested your college fund
You can't trust stocks in this volatile environment. The government may not be around by the time you go to college, so forget about bonds. The only safe investment is a virtual one.
I Love That Movie! ME
Oh man, did I just hear you guys talking about Forest Gump? That is so great! It's probably my favorite movie of all time. I know everything about it. The best part is when he finally escapes after being stranded in the forest for all those years. What a powerful film.
![[Slide Show] The Sexiest Photos From the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2013](https://fpi.somethingawful.com/sasbi/promo/7d806ddd/be08d7be/c369ecdf/dd6f7cbf/12998.jpg)
[Slide Show] The Sexiest Photos From the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2013
We have compiled the sexiest images from the 2013 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.
10 Epic Responses to Being Wished "Happy Holidays"
Some helpful tips about forcing God's Love on total strangers this Christmas season.
STOCK PHOTO LIFESTYLE TALES #5 (Part 5)
Good day. We are Hester and Karl, and we are something rare. We are a couple ... of Stock Photo Lifestylists! Lifestylers? We lead a Stock Photo Lifestyle.
I want my hotel bed to glow.
I want my bed to look like the health department is checking for bedbugs. I want to feel like it’s on an episode of Maury getting scanned for semen.
The New Ships Available for Star Citizen
Do all of your holiday shopping in the Star Citizen online store! We have great deals on space ships for a game that may not be released for years. Think of these as investments in your future enjoyment.
How The Olive Garden Hopes To Outdo Amazon's Drones
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do You Remember the 1990s?
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
Guitar Supermen Are Our Superiors
The singer dove off the stage and crowd surfed in a sort of reverse funeral procession where the person being carried is the only one truly alive. Touching him I felt religious ecstasy and started speaking in tongues and requesting songs that didn't exist.
Memos from Bear Cave: Broth of Woe (Part 17)
There's no easy way to put this, so I'll tell it like it is. Bouillon is died. He went missing before the weekend and yesterday I found his skeletonized remains at the bottom of the #3 soup vat during one of my swims. I thought the cream of mushroom soup had an especially nourishing taste, and a lot more clumps of fur and skin than usual.
These 32 Naked Dads Setting Up Christmas Trees Will Restore Your Faith In Humanity... And More
Thirty-two of the hottest Xmas dads!
The Knockout Game is Out of Control
I think it's time we say what we've all been thinking: midnight basketball is no longer effective against black teens. We must resort to more drastic measures.
Let Me Tell You Exactly How Big The Universe Is
The universe is vast. It's so darn big that you can't even see the entire thing at once unless you take a few steps back and stand on a chair.
Prepare to Be Fucking Destroyed, Gluten
This is a warning to bread: you are truly fucked. Sucks to be a bread right about now.
Save Big With These Black Friday Emergency Room Deals
Something Awful's official guide to the best deals the hopelessly corrupt American healthcare system has to offer.
Retail Nightmare Investigation Squad Files: Spider Lake, WI
I meet up with Jason Fumes at the What-U-Eat in Spider Lake, WI. He’s fumbling with fruit and wires. "I'm hooking electrodes up to the lemons," he explains. "There was a sighting here and we'd love to get some readings." A cashier had seen a woman stuffing lemons into her purse and cursing at other customers. It sounds like a real retail nightmare.
Subway's Guide to Meatball Subs
You aren’t making a sandwich, you’re making a mess.
TekWar Author William Shatner Introduces Gateway's Newest Computers (Part 20)
TekWar author, producer, actor, and creative force, William Shatner, helps out Gateway Computers with their new product rollout.
Sponsored Links (Part 1)
One neat trick that you won't believe. These hottest celebs are married to soccer players and they aren't wearing makeup. This is an incredible article.
The Full Version of Roy Batty's "Tears in Rain" Speech
A new edit of Blade Runner promises to finally showcase the complete version of the most famous speech in sci-fi film history.
We All Live in a Yellow Submarine, and It's Absolute Hell
The terrifying reality of being trapped underwater with three other British people.
10 Upcoming Summer Fashion Trends for 2013
Before I get to the list of the summer fashion trends you're sure to see in 2013, we should probably address the elephant in the room. Yes, it's a tiny bit late. It's practically still summer in some places, so everything here is 100% applicable and prescient
Devil's Manor: The Fortune Teller
Two hot babes, Erin and Jean, move into the house and encounter a mysterious fortune teller down the block.
Just Because You're a Dog, Doesn't Mean You Can't Take Your Brand Seriously
Cool surfin' dog Pawly P is not taking his brand seriously. How can he expect us to do everything for him when he is actively sabotaging his brand?
BUYER BEWARE! The Ogco Face Mulcher Is A Surprisingly Dangerous Product
This thing's package is a cardboard box with edges that are VERY SHARP. It only took three minutes of vigorous rubbing before a wound appeared on my neck.
Playstation 4 Amazes Rapidly Dying Planet of Lazy Degenerates
Do you lead a horrible hell-life devoid of comfort and human affection? PS4 is here! Self-soothe with the state of the art in psychic pain mitigation.
Dear John/Al
What happens when you want to tell your husband you're leaving him and write Weird Al a fan letter, but you only have one envelope left?
Obtaining A PlayStation 4 Without A Pre-Order
If you haven't already pre-ordered a PS4, you're probably out of luck. You are going to miss everything. Everyone else will have all the fun and there won't be any left by the time you get the system next year. You might as well hang yourself.
How to Write a Personal Statement
Six simple tips on awkwardly writing about yourself!
Richard Dawkins Writes Product Descriptions for a Raw Honey Gift Shop (Part 19)
Atheist scientist Sir Richard Dawkins returns to write about his favorite artisanal honeys.
Objections From The Prosecution In The Trial Of Murderman
Your honor, I respectfully disagree with you presiding over this case. Let the record show that you are in fact Spring Break Dog, and that after digging up the real judge's award-winning flower bed you have been creatively sentenced to do his job for an entire month.
Kid Rock's Guide to Respectfully Handling and Displaying the American Flag
America's rockin' bad a$$ Kid Rock may be wild and rowdy, but he is respectful of the Stars and Stripes.
Dear Lisa, I Have a Drug Problem
To be a designated driver I drink beer, then do coke to cancel out the beer, then Quaaludes to take the edge off the coke, then PCP to stay awake on the Quaaludes, then more beer to drown out my friends, who are yelling at me to find my clothes and get off the roof because they want to go home.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Single-Handed Barber (Part 27)
I’ve been using this thing on my dog and I’ve got him smooth as a marble. It’s getting harder to coax him out of the closet he’s been hiding in, but he’s never been sleeker. Wish I could get the hair underneath his skin, that’s what’s driving me crazy. Sooner or later I’ll get that too.
Horny Blue Dot
There may be 8.8 billion earthlike planets in the galaxy, but ours is the horniest.
Kurt Vonnegut Writes Descriptions for Sears Products (Part 18)
Slaughterhouse-Five author, Kurt Vonnegut, returns from the unfortunate state of not existing to write some copy for Sears.
Build Your Own Standing Desk
Sitting at your computer for hours on end is unhealthy. It promotes bad posture, shifts all of your guts down into your belly button, and lowers your lifespan by an average of four to eighteen years.
Duped By Febreze: I Was Smelling a Beach, Now I Am Fighting Against the Machines
Being asked to take a blind smell test sounds like easy money, until that clean, beach aroma is revealed to be a desert of blackened skulls patrolled by murderous machines.
No Bones About It: Obamacare's Pro-Skeleton Agenda
Guest Columnist Dylan Grobler examines the truth behind President Obama's secret skeletal ties.
Monstergeddon 2013 Results! (Part 12)
In a testament to our on-going attempts to grow as a community, this year marks the first time we’ve named a male target Sexiest Victim. Undead slasher (and gender-boundary smasher!) Lizzy Keller offed an all-male victim pool (the men of a modeling agency), and she had a real cheesecake moment with the ‘Buff Blond Guy Oiling Himself.’ You go, girl!
I will relinquish your HBO GO account
But I won’t like it.
J.D. Power's Known Associates
We reveal twenty of J.D. Power's most influential associates and the jobs they do with the powerful consumer researcher.
A Whose Whom Of Doctor Who's
Within the fiction of the show, Doctor Who is an immortal "Time Wizard". He takes a nap when one actor departs and he wakes up with a new face as well as a slightly different personality. This process reminds me of my childhood dog, only it happens every few years rather than every six months.
Slavoj Zizek Writes the Episode Guide for 2 Broke Girls on Wikipedia (Part 17)
Slovenian philosopher, lecturer, writer and spitter, Slavoj Zizek, updates the wikipedia episode guide for CBS sitcom 2 Broke Girls.
Primo Bird Pranks
Find a bird. When it takes off, lower a banana peel directly into its flight path.
PLENTY OF DOGS (Part 21)
GONADS GALORE - this pooch is 90% gonads, 10% dog. Not the best ratio for a family with small children who ask a lot of questions. Perfect for you? Let’s talk gonads. 555-9231
Subj: I WENT ON A BAD GAME SHOW (Part 70)
The contestants were me, the mayor, and the mayor's prized pig. It was a bad time.
The Juggernaut Adresses the Controversy Over His Past Use of a Gendered Insult
A growing Internet controversy forces the Juggernaut to confront his past comments about women and the handicapped.
What's New In Windows 8.1
Here's a fun Easter Egg: By default, the icon for every native Windows 8 application now depicts a YouTube personality making a very wacky face, often at an odd angle. To access this Easter Egg, look at an icon and see it.
You Might Be a Redneck Jokes During the Technological Singularity
Ray Kurzweil meets Jeff Foxworthy. Because even after the gray goo starts to spread across the land there will still be rednecks that need help identifying themselves.
A Look Inside the 1997 Family Matters Writers Retreat
In a Something Awful exclusive, get an insider's look at the creative forces behind this beloved sitcom about family, togetherness, and potions.
STOCK PHOTO LIFESTYLE TALES #4 (Part 4)
Oh, you're here to hear about my Stock Photo Lifestyle? Pleased to make your 'e-quaintance!'
Alternatives to Letting Your Kid Play Football
Don't let him start playing soccer before reading this!
Neil deGrasse Tyson Tweets the Inaccuracies in Machete Kills
After setting his sights on the factual errors in Gravity, astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson takes aim at the mega-macho revenge flick Machete Kills.
Think You Know The Plot Of The Net 2.0? Prove It!
Hope Cassidy is a young computer hacker who prove her worth when she order a pizza using the internet. Ali Abay informs her by telegram that she has the job. While she is on the plane she suddenly meets a sky marshal who give her a champagne and a earring and we can see her computer screen while she is distracted says "YOU BEEN HACKED".
Thomas Friedman Writes for the International House of Pancakes Menu (Part 16)
New York Times opinion thinker Thomas Friedman takes time off from his globe-hopping insights to write for the IHOP menu.
The Prom
"Look over to the podium," the blowup doll said. "They're announcing us prom king and queen."
Spout.ly: October’s Sour Sips (Part 7)
Came to identify a body. Noticed this fountain in the corner and decided to help myself. The experience was so awful it soured the rest of my day. There was mold all over the spigot, and a heavy buildup of hardened phlegm inside. I felt terrible knowing my son's corpse was sitting so close to such a miserable excuse for a fountain.
Devil's Manor: The Journey Below
What lies below Devil's Manor? In one of the latter chapters of the book, we explore the foundations of the devilish sexhouse.
Beware Your Fantasies of Football
Your fantasies have grown dangerous. You are changing the world around you and you must stop before it is too late.
Please Return To Enemy Pasture Online!
You stopped playing Enemy Pasture Online when the amazing features that lured you in gave way to the repetition and deliberate time wasting that plague all MMOs. Things have changed! Now everyone has a holo-firework kit and can do a /twerk dance.
Tom Clancy Writes Copy for MorningStar Farms Vegetarian Meat (Part 15)
Tom Clancy may be resting in peace, but he's not resting on his laurels. He has taken up a job writing tactical scenarios for vegetarian food company MorninStar Farms.
Hill Valley's Skitching Problem is Out of Control
A common citizen of Hill Valley gives an unapologetic account of the area's biggest nuisance.
New TV Show Roundup For Fall 2013
Do you wish there were more network shows about adults interacting with their wacky parents? Are your favorite Seth McFarlane jokes the ones that are so lazy and blatantly sexist/homophobic/racist that they couldn't POSSIBLY be sexist, homophobic, or racist? Please eat an entire set of silverware then crawl into a trash compactor.
Please don’t talk about Breaking Bad until I catch up!
I’m just trying to enjoy a scheduled show at my own glacial pace.
I Will Align Your Baby's Back 100% Safe
Chiropractor Kevin cuts through the myth and shocking headlines about baby chiropractors.
Frank Opinion's Hardest-Hitting Editorials
Frank Opinion is an internationally syndicated columnist covering hot-button issues. His controversial editorial style holds nothing back. Opinion's views do not represent those of Something Awful or its parent company, FedoraSingles.com.
15 Hilariously Awkward Things From the 90s Contained in the Sphere That Has Appeared Above Our City
Remember the 1990s? Remember the ominous sphere that hangs above our city?
The Feral Fables of Groggery Gibbonman (Part 10)
"BRICKS! BRICKS! BRICKS! BRICKS! BRICKS!" screeched the hen as she squawked about the clayfield in a fluttering panic. The brickmaker narrowed his gaze, trying to hone in on what he was witnessing. He had been wholly unaware of the phenomenon of talking animals until that moment, and this was a lot to absorb.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Faux Tattoo Men’s T-Shirt (Part 26)
I got this for a costume party, but felt so good wearing it I haven't taken it off yet, and the party was weeks ago. People now call me "that weird shirt guy" and sometimes just "him." Feel like I'm making a real name for myself now!
Devil's Manor: The Mummy
I read a spooktacular new chapter from my upcoming erotic thriller novel!
I am the Curator of a Vast Digital Collection of Jackworthy Media
It is my great honor to curate such an extensive collection of media I have watched while I punished my grisly unit.
A Review Of The Grand Theft Auto V Press Review Kit
If IGN and Gamespot are The New York Times and The Guardian of video game coverage, Something Awful is a scabby stray dog that will happily eat any newspaper it comes across. We make jokes and our game reviews don't have an impact on the highly scientific numbers at Metacritic so we technically don't even exist.
Terrence Malick's Space Jam
Things get slow and serious with Terrence Malick's "Space Jam," the film that combined the comedy of basketball with the drama of cartoons.
Blasting the Bottle Generation
Why the children of Millenials are even more lazy and entitled than their parents -- and why it's all their fault.
The F-LARP Barn: Meet The Faulkners!
I have a few concerns about the characters for this year’s event. Nearly 100% of our attendants last year chose to be schizophrenics, lawyers, or murderers. With everyone yelling over each other to be the center of attention, it descended into chaos quickly. We need more quiet family men, bitter wives, decent shopkeepers and scandalous pharmacists.
You need a Rasta Banana
The Rasta Banana represents your best traits: your love of Jamaica, of reggae, of potassium.
Trigger Warnings
Alright, listen up, people. Things might just get problematic in this briefing, so I need you to check your triggers.
True Tales Of Apple Store Bullying
"This is our company policy," he explained with a sinister laugh. "We never fix anything or help anyone. Standard procedure is to humiliate people and break their things until they leave us alone. I am stomping on your laptop."
The Closing Arguments of Richard Dawkins: Atheist Attorney
Famed atheist Richard Dawkins takes his arguments about religion and pedophilia and sexual assault into the courtroom.
My Fling with Criss Angel: Mindfreak
He offers me a glass of water. I'm actually pretty thirsty so I say yes. He starts pouring the water, but the glass never gets filled; it's all coming out the bottom, straight onto the table. Another trick is just him pouring water onto the complimentary bread. He says there's more to it than meets the eye, but it doesn't really seem like there is.
SkyMall Product Reviews: FaceTrainer by no!no! (Part 25)
Idiotic product for idiotic people. Putting your face in a mask isn't going to make you look younger. If you want to look younger, you have to use science, and science is crystals and magnets. Wake up me when you figure out a way to put my head in a crystal and bombard it with magnetic rays.
Subj: HORSE MEMORIES (Part 69)
I am remembering your dear old friend the horse today.
GSElevator's How to Trap, Kill, and Eat a Goldman Sachs Banker
Financial blogger and anonymous Goldman Sachs informant GSElevator turns his attention to cannibalizing his fellow employees.
The Horrors Of Total War: Rome II
I am a veteran of the Total Wars. In my time as a commander in Napoleonic France and feudal Japan I have seen men and empires and tree models alike wink out of existence. For all the cruel acts I have observed and contributed to, nothing compares to the horrors I have encountered in Rome.
Cigarette Monthly's 5 Hottest Fall Cigarettes
It's that time of year once again! Cigarette Monthly's editors and readers have picked the five best cigarettes for Fall and you won't believe what made the list!
Let's Do A War
Your Secretary of State gives an honest and thorough assessment of the ongoing conflict in Syria.
Pharmacies and the Depressed People who Love Them
The mortar and pestle on pharmacy signs looks like an inverted Taco Bell logo. Old people sometimes confuse the two and go to Taco Bell for their heart medicine and get triple beef burritos and die instantly.
Permit Me to Construct For You the Ultimate Man Cave
Wondering what to do with your basement? Buddy, I have some ideas that will change the way you think about hanging out with the guys.
Sherlock Holmes And The Case Of The Murdered Man
Originally published in the May 1893 issue of Cricket And Ornamental Tobacco Pipes Monthly, The Case Of The Murdered Man is easily the most terrible Sherlock Holmes story ever written.
It is Time to Equip the Free Syrian Army with the Wu-Tang Secret
With military intervention in Syria becoming unpopular, it is time we do the unthinkable: reveal the Wu-Tang Secret.
A World Without Cronuts
On the horizon, a great and hungry fire sweeps across a hillside. The blaze has consumed everything in its path for weeks. Firefighters can only evacuate potential victims or watch helplessly, as they have no cronuts with which to smother the flames.
Celebrity Stalker: Summer 2013 Spots (Part 14)
Saw Miley Cyrus outside posh restaurant Naboo hocking big loogies all over the place. They were like big slimy owl pellets and my friend poked one with a stick, then we ran.
NuttBoyz Audition
Listen to my audio audition for the failed animated show, NuttBoyz!
I Have a Slightly Different Dream
I have a dream of lots of guns, which you can customize, wicked melee weapons, multiple types of zombies including a fat one that explodes, a skinny evil woman zombie, and a horrifying zombie baby swarm.
Ben Affleck As Daredevil Will Be A Terrible Batman
Anyone who has seen Daredevil knows that getting Ben Affleck to play Batman while in character as Daredevil is a huge mistake. We've been waiting so long for a proper Batman/Superman movie, and now it's doomed.
Don Draper Pitches Video Game Marketing
Don Draper brings his marketing genius to some of today's hottest video games, including Dragon's Crown and Gone Home.
The NSA Investigates David Miranda's 3DS
Discover the world-disrupting terror hidden within this simple handheld.
Monstergeddon Forums > Politics & Religion > Feminism (Part 11)
Have any of you been watching Betheba Orwen’s 'Rituals Vs Females in Monsterdom' series on YouTube? Her latest video just went up, and she makes the interesting point that before the Monstergeddon tournament started, the majority of feared monsters in the world were actually female.
Important Message from the Alumni Association
Greetings Recent Graduate! Now that you've finished college, it’s time to give back!
William S. Burroughs Writes the Descriptions for Chili's Margarita Menu (Part 14)
William S. Burroughs is hired by Chili's to write enticing copy for the addicting margaritas on Chili's drink menu.
Welcome To The Takedown Area
Hey, Elon Musk! Your name sounds like a ghostbuster. Your ghostbuster super power would be coming up with bad ideas and being a billionaire.
Hook Up Culture is Out of Control
Parents, beware. You may think your teen is innocent and well-behaved, but what they're actually doing may surprise you.
STOCK PHOTO LIFESTYLE TALES #3 (Part 3)
Stock Photo Lifestyle? Oh honey, you don't want to hear about that. The last thing I want is for you to be late for something on my account. You know how I worry.
Spout.ly: August’s Hot Sips (Part 6)
This is one steamy fountain. The locker room girls can be real pests, whipping you with towels and calling you a pervert, or trying way too hard to get your attention. Just ignore 'em, because the water here is the real attraction. Perfect flowing fountain with a clean sip. The basin drainage is a thing to marvel at.
Devil's Manor: The Hottest Babe in Town
An erotic short story from my book, Devil's Manor.
Call Off the Search for Grievances
When a billionaire gets bad service from a store clerk, it's time to alert the world to a new grievance.
Say "Handyman" Three Times In A Mirror
If you need home repairs done but you don't have enough money to hire a licensed contractor who actually knows what they're doing, call me!
A Hero's Journey: Riddick
Does Vin Diesel's glow-eyed killer, Riddick, fit Joseph Campbell's monomyth? We put the new film "Riddick" to the test.
You Kids Have Gotta Stop Googling Terrorist Stuff
One man's struggle to bring the lazy cop stereotype back for the 21st century.
An Overview of the NBA's Secret Surveillance Program (Codename H.A.N.D.L.E.S.)
Because of the team-of-five-based mentality of old NBA players (they have to do everything in fives, and the height must be stratified enough to satisfy their ex-basketball comfort levels), they needed someone to play the role of 'Center.' They recruited Bryant 'Big Country' Reeves due to his status as a seven-footer as well as his noted amorality.
Alex Rodriguez, did you eat my Pizza Rolls?
Just answer the question.
I'm Looking to Hire Some Pretty Tough Dudes to Bust Up a Road House
Dalton thinks he can come into my town and refuse to pay up. Well, I need you to help me teach him a lesson.
Fez 2 Wasn't The Only Game Canceled Under Bizarre Circumstances
No one would get to play Metal Gear Solid V, because everyone had been bad and they should have felt very sorry. It was such a great game, too, lamented Kojima, shaking his head sadly while addressing a room full of anvils suspended over chairs.
Ask Ryan Gosling's Character in "Only God Forgives"
If you're having troubles in your life, turn to the one man you can trust: Ryan Gosling's character in "Only God Forgives."
Sobriety vs. Demonic Toys
The poor quality of the tape makes it look less like a movie and more like a director’s half-formed idea for one. After a few drinks the room looks the same way, making you forget which side of the screen you’re on.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Skull Sculpture (Part 24)
BROKE ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. Like within five minutes of taking it out of the box and having my brother in law Shaun throw it at head, the thing was on the floor in a million pieces. Thanks for all the dumb skull pieces, SkyMall. Real scary.
Subj: SEND A "RATGRAM" (Part 68)
My old business RatsPlus is announcing a new service, "RATGRAM"!!
Commencement of the 612th Annual Lebowski Fest
2613. Present day. The 612th annual Lebowski Fest is held in Bunker 99 of the Ningxia Genoindustrial District, 8th Tier, Automatic Empire of the 74.5th Emergent Consciousness of Viceroy Lao.
These Ain't Your Daddy's "This Ain't Your Daddy's" Jokes
This ain't your daddy's autograph. Look at the loops. Look closer, dude. Those loops are hella controlled. I am a professional handwriting analyst and I am telling you that your daddy's loops are wild and sprawling. I've been examining your daddy's signature for years.
Carl Sagan Explains the Sublime Majesty of What is Happening On Your Phone
We are how the Universe views itself and also how it views entire seasons of our favorite shows streaming wherever and whenever we want.
The MC Skat Kat Franchisee Newsletter
Make the most of your cartoon cat likeness rights with these handy tips.
'A Race Against Space' and Five Other Essential Sci-Fi Titles for Future Reading!
Dirk Knifesteel graduated at the top of his class in assassin school, but even so he had always been something of an outsider. But now LaserDetroit, an old timey 1920s version of detroit, but in the future, was under attack, and the people who had made fun of Dirk at school were going to realize just how much he had learned about being an assassin.
What we talk about when we talk about Naked and Afraid
Survivalist Fetish? The Creepiest First Date? Naked and Afraid is a complex show.
Kate Middleton's Fish Ripple Primed to Drop a Royal Brownie in the W.C.
Kate Middleton is bringing forth the next generation of UK royal. Turn to an American's concept of a British person to find out how the country is really feeling.
Has Technology Gone Too Far???
You stop, unable to pass until you have answered the McDonald's clown's three riddles and sworn fealty to his cause. The Xbox One awards your compliance with an Achievement, then passes a 3D recording of the last ten minutes to the NSA and its advertising partners.
DARPA's Strangest Robot Videos
For an agency doing super-science for the military, DARPA sure likes to release videos on Youtube. Most of those videos are weird.
The Cormac McCarthy Writing Workshop: Ms. Treckle’s 7th Graders
Extremely enthralled by the concept of an individual trapped inside of a locker for the duration of the recounted story. However, instead of a high school and a locker, you could try the Mexican-American War, and instead of a locker, it could be a person trapped underneath a huge pile of dead bodies.
THRONGS OF DOGS (Part 20)
UNBELIEVABLE DEAL! This rare set of Russian nesting dogs is a sight to behold, delivering hours of joy as you find increasingly smaller dogs inside each other. Call for OUTRAGEOUS quote. 555-1124
Letter to the Editor: BUFF MAN PROBLEM (Part 67)
I don't like Gerry I think he is a bad man who chases me.
Cormac McCarthy Writes Candy Reviews for a Nostalgia Blog (Part 13)
Cormac McCarthy, renowned author of "The Road" and many other classics, writes reviews of candy for a retro blog.
A Complete Glossary Of Comic Book Condition Abbreviations
MSD - Minor sledgehammer damage.
Sing Pappy Returns: Gwon Tame de Bieber dis Time (Part 2)
Bayou music coach Sing Pappy returns with a pledge to Usher to stop Justin Bieber's bad behavior and get him back on the right track.
Ground Rules for Our Rugrats LARP
Bone up on the latest information regarding this sport of kings.
Sneak Peek: The Jurassic Park 4 Trailer
After lingering in development hell for more than a decade, Jurassic Park 4 is set for a 2015 release. We're proud to present an exclusive first look at the film's trailer.
Freelancing: A Choose Your Own Adventure
In Freelancing Hell, you are Steve Jobs and the children at Foxconn at the same exact time. Are you a bad enough dude to save yourself?
If Everybody Pulls Together, We Might Just Save Our Town's Abortion Clinic
Are we going to let them bulldoze Doc Musgrave's clinic and put up a wings restaurant?
You Can't Take Superman Anywhere
Superman seems like the ultimate friend. In truth, he is the most embarrassing person you could possibly be seen in public with.
Everything Must Go at Deranged Doyle's 5th of July Fireworks Sale
Deranged Doyle has July 5th deals on overstocked fireworks! The Grassley! The Downton Abbliterator! Everything must go!
Only Attractive People can Shop at Abercrombie & Fitch
If an unattractive person somehow gets their hands on forbidden Abercrombie & Fitch merchandise, dodging the lava pits and robot mannequins that throw the ampersands from their A&F T-shirts like shurikens, they'll fall victim to the store's mirrors, which explode if they display unattractive people, shooting shards of glass into the people's faces.
Memos from Bear Cave: The Taste of Treachery (Part 16)
I HAVE BEEN A MODEL BOSS. I removed all the raccoons and possums from the soup vats. There's no more yowling to distract you from work. I have reintroduced rats into our intricate ecosystem to keep insects from contaminating our soups. Finally, I have managed to purge the last of the rockabillies from our ventilation ducts and soupyards.
Subj: THINGS STOLEN BY BULLDOG (Part 66)
Your old pet "BRET" stole a lot of things from our friends but I loved him dearly!
Helpful Advice for Birds
A little help for nature's idiots struggling to function in our modern society.
If Films Were Reviewed Like Video Games
The camera never falls over during a scene. Actors are always in frame. The film runs at a steady 24fps with very few frame drops. Since World War Z has a big enough budget to ensure that it doesn't have any glaring mistakes, we're happy to say that it will score at least a 7/10.
When is it Okay for Black People to Use the Word "Cracker"?
If you are a black man or woman, and you are wondering when you can say "Cracker," you can find out here.
Master Of The Recorder, God Among Men
I didn't always want to play the recorder. In fact, it was the last instrument I wanted any part of, as it carried a certain reputation that I was eager to avoid. My studies were very important to me, and I couldn't afford to get distracted by all the romantic attention that the recorder would attract.
Overcoming your Summer Sickness
Save reading WebMD and overreacting for the winter. Let's have some fun.
I'm Kickstarting a Love Potion Guaranteed to Work
Expert romance artist Chance "Guru" Burton has moved on from ebooks containing PUA techniques. He is now developing the ultimate PUA love potion.
A Most Magnificent Ship
Aye, by all accounts she was lovely. Th' most magnificent vessel ever constructed by human hands, or so they say. Her hull was crafted from th' finest porcelain. Thin as a deckhand's willpower on shore leave in Sexy Gambler's Cove, it was.
Paula Deen has Planned the Perfect Wedding for Her Son
TV chef and restauranteur Paula Deen has invited all of the races she could think of to be entertainment at her son's wedding.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Bob Marley T-Shirts (Part 23)
I recently got into T-shirts and have been buying as many as I can. They are comfortable and do a great job keeping you cool in the summer, allowing your arms to breathe. I don’t know who this Bob Marley fellow is, but if he endorses T-shirts, he’s got the right idea. Put on a t-shirt. You won’t regret it, buddy.
Wall Garbage Warehouse
The perfect accessories to give your restaurant the corporate warmth it needs to succeed.
Subj: I WON A CONTEST (Part 65)
It was a food contest and I am still full from it many hours later!
Enrique, if that Sarah Connor woman wrecks my picnic table we are getting a divorce
Who gave her a knife? What is she doing, Enrique? Did you tell her she could carve up my picnic table?
Rejected Mac Pro Designs
It's sleek. It's elegant. It draws inspiration from a variety of muses, from hotel trash cans to e-cigs and keychain flashlights. It could have been worse.
The 7 Creepiest Articles About Edward Snowden's Girlfriend
Edward Snowden revealed the NSA's wiretapping secrets and Internet news sites are revealing his girlfriend's underwear.
STOCK PHOTO LIFESTYLE TALES #2 (Part 2)
I lead a Stock Photo Lifestyle. I know you're here to hear about it.
E3 2013: Basement Floor Report
"Indiegogo lets you keep the money even if you don't reach your goal,” Kyle explains. “That's how I could afford these posters." The posters say 'Shark,' but there is no shark pictured. "Yeah, my idea was for a shark game. Remember Ecco the Dolphin?" I do remember Ecco the Dolphin. Kyle nods enthusiastically, but he does not offer any more details.
PapaTech Dad Deals
The Best Cyber-Fathers Around! Better than the Real Thing!
Great Battles of the New American Revolution
Simmering anti-government sentiment finally boiled over in 2017 and soon the first shots of the New American Revolution were being fired up into the sky at Apache helicopters.
If You Pick Up On The Subtext, The Rocky Movies Are About Punching
A viewing of the Rocky films will entertain you with larger than life characters vacillating between every social class in America. At one point there's even a robot butler. If you watch closely, though, you'll realize that far below the surface a deeper meaning is being put forth by the creators: Punching.
President Barack Obama PRISM Polonium White House
Choom gang member Barry Obama has been having his guys spy on America using the PRISM program and the cooperation of some of the biggest corporations.
Portrait of a Sneeze Fetish Model
In today’s video Emma is doing forced sneezes, where a man holds a handful of pepper under her nose. She secretly enjoys these videos the most. While she hates being dominated during sex, her sinuses are naturally submissive.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Enormous African Elephant (Part 22)
This is literally the absolute perfect addition to my tar pit. It's been driving me nuts seeing that tar pit sit empty all these years. Thank you SkyMall. Now I can start having ladies over to the place again.
Video Book Pitch: Devil's Manor
I'm trying to make it big and pitching my new thriller book, Devil's Manor!
After Last Night's Broadcast, I am DONE Listening to the Captain Midnight Radio Serial
A furious 1930's fan of the Captain Midnight radio serial voices his outrage over the unexpected deaths of several major characters in last night's broadcast.
Maybe I Shouldn’t Have Bought A Giant Mech As My First Car
I won't exactly call it buyer's remorse. Not yet, at least. I'm just starting to realize that a sentient 80 foot tall murder robot comes with more baggage than I had considered.
Me and My 3D Printer are Changing the World One Fragile Honeycomb Bracelet at a Time
Maker culture is spreading and changing the way I get people to look at small plastic objects.
An Update from Your Fictional Crimelord
Learn the ins and out of the fictional crime world through the wit and wisdom of an equally fictional thug.
Monstergeddon Dating Tips (Part 10)
PHANTOM MENACE asks: Does anyone have dating advice for non-corporeals? I’m currently occupying (possessing) an elevator shaft in a high-rise, and there is a really cute specter that roams the 27th floor. But I have heard people say you shouldn’t [haunt] where you eat, so to speak. Plus she can’t actually leave the 27th floor, which seems limiting.
Bad Tips and the Server
It’s a careful dance between the customer’s moral reasoning and the server’s need to pay rent.
Orson Scott Card is Paid to Introduce the New Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors (Part 12)
The famed author of "Ender's Game" gives Ben & Jerry's a little more than they were expecting for their new ice cream promos.
Xbox One Buzzwords Explained
"Groundbreaking," said just about everyone that took the stage. As far as I can tell, the Xbox One is groundbreaking because it is new. Being a new thing also makes it the "future of interactive entertainment".
The Chief Complaints of Gorean Men's Rights Activists
Men living the Gorean lifestyle are outraged by the hypocrisy and discrimination they face on a daily basis.
Folk Heroes Of The Internet Frontier
Onward they rode, into the vast unknown. Many were wizened hardcases, their skin leathery from hard years doing what it took to survive the no man's land of BBSes, their eyes permanently squinted against the glow of phantom green text. The majority were fresh faced youths eager for adventure, as if anything good ever came from such folly.
Spout.ly: June's Sour Sips (Part 5)
"There are two fountains here, one lower for persons in wheelchairs, one higher for persons not in wheelchairs. The taller one has an entire raw chicken impaled on the bubbler. I got sick after lapping up the water that oozed out from the chicken's pores." -HydraDad
Subj: PET LORD CONFESSION (Part 64)
I need to tell you all about the ostrich and the dancing and why I gave it all up!
The FEMA Guide to Managing Your Detention Camp
It has finally happened: the guns are grabbed and the dissidents are filling the FEMA camps. As a FEMA camp manager, you need to know how to handle this new order.
Today's Top Sport Move Plays
That's team captain Andy Chipwich standing near the pool shirtless without crossing his arms in front of his torso to cover his supple breasts. He doesn't even suck in his stomach! Another stunning play by Andy.
Arrested Development Fan Outraged Over the Lack of Buster's Turtle in Season Four
Me and all the Mayoneggiacs waited years for this, we helped save your stupid show, and this is how you repay us? WHERE'S THE FRIGGING TURTLE, MITCHELL?
20 Alternate Titles for I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream
Harlan Ellison's compelling short story didn't always have its evocative and iconic title. Read on, and discover the alternate names for this pioneering entry in the world of evil computer fiction.
The Raunchiness of Delicious Doug
Greetings Players! This is UnlimitedTerry for MuffWorld! Our intense development sessions spawned ‘The Raunchiness of Delicious Doug,’ an interesting and erotic patch that makes the game more fun – and sexy! This patch delivers LOADS of new dynamic content and, after very specific media outrage, the addition of Condoms to the game’s erotic toolkit!
Keep Your State Pride Off Your Clothes
Apparently being a worthwhile state takes more than an Etsy t-shirt and an alchemist’s concoction of microbrewers/food trucks/cupcake bakeries.
Please Don't Inject Poison Into Your Face
We love you. We're sorry. Please, stop sticking needles full of poison into your precious faces.
What Is The Meaning Of This Face?
We will talk about another face later on, but for now I'd like to focus on this remarkable face. It does not belong to a microcephalic lucha libre wrestler or an especially unkind caricature of legendary Broncos quarterback John Elway. You're looking at the face of Batman.
Don Draper Pitches Actual Commercials to Clients
Mad man Don Draper meets with clients to discuss TV ad campaigns for Google Chrome, Tax Masters, and Depend SIlhouette.
Some Types of Parties
Life is just a vast warehouse of people, music and beer to be assembled into parties. Here are some of the most popular types of parties happening today.
Mother, there is no other, so treat her right (Part 22)
Mother's Day is just around the corner, and that means you're an awful child because you haven't purchased a gift yet. Don't despair! Bradford Exchange, the SkyMall of the trailer park set, has put together a large assortment of gifts that could, in theory, be presented to a lady who birthed you.
STOCK PHOTO LIFESTYLE TALES #1 (Part 1)
Let me tell you about the stock photo lifestyle.
My Electro Band Has Important Things to Say About the 1980s
Think, the 1980s, but like, dialed up, and sexier, and maybe a little darker. Like Michael Mann 1980s, not Mr. Belvedere 1980s. I'm taking you there. That's my band, Phoebe and the Cates.
Punching Through Walls Should Always Be An Option
A man was recently paid actual money to speak on the behalf of an entire company, hoping to improve its fortunes with this proclamation about the near future: "It will no longer be acceptable to walk into a room where you can't punch a hole in the wall".
Let's Play: Decision Points Theater
The Decision Points Theater at the George W. Bush Library allows visitors to choose their own presidential adventure. But does it try to rewrite history?
Hey Sports Illustrated: Where's My Cover Story?
In our search for heroes, your average man often goes overlooked.
I Can't Stop Watching This Otter Refusing To Leave A Guy's Car
I can't stop watching this adorable and hilarious video of an otter refusing to leave a guy's car! Why can't I stop watching? Please, somebody help me. I can't stop.
Stop Killing Bees, Moron
Are you telling me that every time a bee comes within thirty feet, you have to throw a fit?
You Might Be a Redneck Jokes Following the Rapture
Jeff Foxworthy survives the Rapture and breaks out his redneck routine for the rag-draped survivors of the Tribulation.
Help Me Remember The Name Of This Movie
As a kid I would turn on cable tv late at night and somehow manage to always catch the same weird movie. Bits and pieces of this film have been popping into my head lately, but not enough to identify what it was called. If I can't figure out what the heck this mystery movie was it's going to drive me insane. Maybe you can help?
All of Facebook Hails You for Naming a State Without Using the Letter "E"
Your ability to answer seemingly impossible Facebook quizzes is astonishing. I wish I had known you were such a genius when we were in one year of middle school together.
You're Out Of Touch With Music, Old Timer
It happens so quickly. One day you're right in the epicenter of cool music, rocking out to 30 Seconds To Mars, and the next day you supposedly have terrible taste.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Nano-UV Wand (Part 21)
IS IT WORKING? I've spent about three hours just running it back and forth over a carrot, hoping it would give me some indication when the carrot was safe to eat. I’ll keep running it over the carrot until I get a response. Some kind of progress bar or robotic voice saying something like "WARNING! FECES DETECTED" would be great.
Twitter All-Stars: Spring 2013 Collection
Refresh your awful Twitter feed with these hand-picked heavy-hitters!
They Came From the Kindle: "Billionaires" (Part 2)
What do Kriss Cross, Genghis Khan, and Donald Trump have in common? They are all featured in Kindle books about billionaires we discovered during an expedition to the fringes of Amazon.
Timely Reviews Of Windows 95 Software
This is easily the most comprehensive and user-friendly skeleton program that I have ever used. Not to be confused with the inferior 3D skeleton software Inferior 3D Skeleton, Ultimate 3D Skeleton is a terrific resource for true skeleton connoisseurs.
Real Life Turning Into a Hollywood Action Movie for Guy With Blown Up Legs
Thrilling events have made life indistinguishable from a high-octane action movie for the maimed victim of a bomb blast.
Slime Victims: You May Be Entitled to a Huge Cash Settlement
Finally, the slimed have a voice.
A Bunch of Ravers took over My McDonald's
One night in 1989 I showed up to my job at the McDonald’s in Times Square, New York, and the place was filled with gay ravers. They were dressed as gay versions of McDonald’s mascots, like Mac Tonight in Liberace garb and Mayor McCheese with a rainbow sash.
You Say Underemployed Like It's a Bad Thing
You’re the renaissance man of low skilled labor. Monopolize entry jobs; control every aspect of the lowest rung. Stack your 1099s to the sky. Contractor till you die.
I Will Put Any Cake You Want in This Stupid Ice Cream
Perfectly egg-headed Duff, from Ace of Cakes, will insert any type of cake you want into Blue Bunny ice cream.
Transmissions From Hamburger Island
You know me to be a man of science. Standing on this shore of burgers, though, knowing that I am among the first humans to lay my eyes upon such majesty? For the first time in my life I understand the appeal of surrendering to the inscrutable machinations of a higher power.
Gaming Website is Totally Unashamed to Announce the 5 Hottest Video Game Butts
Popular gaming website Game Bros announces the results of their reader poll to decide the sexiest butts in video games.
An All-Encompassing, Insider Gentleman's Guide to Growing Old
You must move from the bustle of the city to a place of quiet and solitude; a quaint, uninvolved paradise, where you can annoy animals and plants instead of people. You will sit in your chair, staring at the moon and seeing only a reflection of your big dumb ovular face, nodding in congratulatory affirmation at your unique appreciation of nature.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Spray Away Animal Repellent (Part 20)
Pointless. The "sensor" gizmo is not smart enough to differentiate between common bird species. SkyMall, please let me know when you develop a product that can specifically target the nervous systems of birds I don't like. I've got some rude characters in my yard, and I want them to suffer for what they've done.
Subj: CYBER FACE 4.0 RELEASED (Part 63)
The world's most sophisticated chat babe is ready to be pleased by you!!
My Life is Great Compared to These Idiots on Hoarders
Compared to these crazy people on Hoarders everything is going just fine in my life. I've even bought the tarps and hacksaw.
These Cancelled Games Might Have Saved LucasArts
They could have released all of their classics on Steam or Good Old Games and drowned in a sea of money. Didn't happen. Why? Who knows! The little dude in the LucasArts logo, as it turned out, was either shrugging or waving both hands toward an unknowable point in the future when they would work on something worthwhile.
Are Games Art? Roger Ebert is Paid to Write Mini-Reviews for Bullet Hell Shooters (Part 11)
The world's greatest film critic is hired to review the orb-swarming madness of bullet hell shooter games.
Corporate Speak for Everyday Life
Learn how to make your personal brand of evil palatable with the wonders of Corporate Speak.
Bioshock: Infinite Classifieds (Part 7)
A collection of ads from Columbia, the setting of Bioshock: Infinite.
Game of Thrones Spoilers
All the season's shocking secrets revealed right here!
The Legend of Professor John Henry and the Online Learning Academy
Professor John Henry believes a man can best a machine, and he sets out to prove it in a test of teaching prowess.
Common Reasons For Returned Purchases At The Dynamite Store
This stick of dynamite kept rolling off the bread. Yes, I suppose a hot dog bun would have held it in place better, but if I had hot dog buns why would I need the dynamite in the first place?
L Ron Hubbard Writes Descriptions for American Apparel (Part 10)
L Ron Hubbard returns in thetan form to do some paid writing for the American Apparel clothing catalog.
The Miss Beauty USA Semifinalists Talk Science
"Do you think schoolchildren should be taught that matter exists?" The Miss Beauty USA semifinalists respond to one tough question.
P.B. Fouke Has Done the Unthinkable (Part 27)
I must warn the more sensitive among you that the particulars of my crime are not for the faint of heart. The words that follow are a graphic account of the incident, and they may leave you feeling weak of stomach. Let me also state, as a courtesy to my business associates, that I alone am accountable.
The 6 Sexiest Vixens in the Tech Industry
We round up the hottest babes in the industry for you to look at lustily!
Life Lessons Learned by Nicolas Cage's Son, Weston Cage
Eyes of Noctum singer and celebrity son, Weston Cage, shares the wisdom he has gained the hard way. By crashing supercars.
Maybe It's Time To Cool Off On The Last Samurai Sequels
The Last Samurai was a solid epic, rarely missing the mark when it veered from reality to become thoughtful or entertaining. Having said that, ten years have passed since the film's release and in that time we've had nearly a dozen follow-ups. This is certain to be an unpopular opinion, but I think the series has worn out its welcome.
I'm a Hardworking Man Looking to Settle Down and Start a Family With a Woman Who Will Wreck My Balls
Tom Jansing is honest about what he desires out of a relationship. Namely, a good woman who will help him start a family and regularly inflict severe pain on his testicles.
So You've Been Bigged
The manufacturer of Zoltar Speaks presents everything you need to know about coping with your new adult body and lifestyle.
Psychologists Are Reptiles
As janitor at a counseling office, one of my jobs is to clean the secret staff entrance. The entrance, a 50-foot hallway, runs between the office and the alternate universe where psychologists live.
Grad School or Meth?
Two popular paths for the recent college graduate, but which one is right for you?
Giggle Tots Daycare is About Building Your Child's Brand
You can't finger paint a logo. Maybe in 1994. Not in 2013. We're not here to babysit your kid. We are going to throw them in the shark tank and teach them to eat the other sharks.
Advice For First-Time Haunted House Buyers
Leaving your haunted apartment behind and moving into your first haunted home is a momentous, life-changing transition. It's also a big investment, not only in terms of money but in the years and possibly decades that you will spend in the new house. As you shop for the perfect haunted house, remember these important tips.
J.G. Ballard Gets Paid to Plug Taco Bell (Part 9)
A Texas barbecue above the corpora cavernosa. Eyes bursting. Skin liquefied in the intense heat of the Buffalo Griller sauce. Phimosis shrouding the war crimes of helicopter infantry.
I am Terrible and Deserve a TV Show
Podcasting maven and basic cable also-ran Adam Carolla is looking to bring his brand of conservative comedy to a larger, dumber audience.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Pugz Shoes for Dogs (Part 19)
We decided these shoes were not ideal and shipped them back. By mistake we shipped them back with the dog still wearing them. WE HAVE BEEN ON THE HORN WITH SKYMALL FOR DAYS TRYING TO GET OUR DOG BACK but they have no records of getting her. AT LEAST GIVE US A REFUND, JERKS!!!!
Subj: HOT MILK AGAIN (Part 62)
I am drinking lots of hot milk again but it's for a reason this time!
They Came From the Kindle: "Centaurs" (Part 1)
The latest and strangest books available on Kindle on the fascinating subject of Centaurs.
If You're Stuck Beneath Bedsheets That Are Too Tight, You Don't Have To Die
The average person becomes hopelessly stuck five times a day, requiring the help of a loved one or an emergency responder. What if there's no one around the next time you get stuck? And what if your phone isn't at hand, or you have terrible reception, or the cell phone you bought is actually a bar of chocolate with terrible reception?
Indiana Jones and the Tomb Raider Reboot
After the dismal Crystal Skull, the crypt plundering Indiana Jones character is reinvented in this gritty horror-actioner.
The SimCity Board of Advisors Offers Its Support
Turn to the masters of urban planning wisdom for all of your city ruining needs.
The Fibular Fables of Groggery Gibbonman (Part 9)
Two giraffes, who as all traveled men know enjoy gazing at clouds, were engaging in their famous hobby one day when a particularly interesting specimen wafted into view. 'That cloud...' said the first giraffe, as he gestured toward the culprit in question.'that cloud is the emperor of clouds.'
Your Winter Beard Must Go!
It looks like you sifted through your couch cushions, picked out the nickels and dimes, and glued the rest to your face. I should have told you in December. I’m sorry.
Maybe Reverse Psychology Will Get Me Out of This Sinkhole
I am loving it down here in this pit. It's like a vacation, and I don't want anybody spoiling it with their ambulances and rescue buckets.
The Found Schedule Of A Found Footage Film Festival
Thirty days ago, Nathan Mueller decided to organize a festival for fans and creators of found footage films. Over the following weeks Nathan's behavior became erratic. He kept odd hours, alienated friends, and engaged in increasingly irrational behavior.
Bob Woodward's Horror Classics
Renowned journalist Bob Woodward turn his imagination to the macabre and pens a collection of spine-tingling tales to keep you up at night.
FUTURETALK: The Bard & The Genius
The curtain opens. There is a man sitting in a chair. The Man is reading a newspaper and the headline says: LAST NEWSPAPER EVER, PRINTED TODAY. He turns the page, and the next reads: ALSO, FUTURE NOW ALLOWS US TO RESURRECT DEAD FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM LONG AGO. The man lowers the newspaper. He is revealed to be WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, famous word person.
I'll Do Anything for a Fiverr
Like many people, I have squandered my life going to an office, sitting at a desk and staring at a dumb monitor all day. I'm sick of the grind and sick of being just another fat cog in the machine. So I quit. I'm giving all that up to focus on making an easy living using Fiverr.com.
An Open Letter to My Upstairs Neighbor
My last act as tenant will be to slip this sucker under the door and peel out.
James Joyce's 419 Scam Email to Nora (Part 8)
Literary great James Joyce draws on his infamously filthy letters to Nora Barnacle in an attempt to scam her out of her banking information.
Everything You Need To Know About The PlayStation 4 Unveiling
Didn't set aside two and a half hours of your life to watch Sony's unveiling of the PlayStation 4 earlier this week? I've got you covered. I had nothing better to do. In fact, there was so much free time on my hands that I watched the entire event at 1/4th speed.
Your Family's Virtual Inheritance
What happens when you die in the future? Your lazy family gets virtually nothing.
This "Harlem Shake" Could Save Wholesaleenemabags.com
No business is safe from the mandatory whimsy that's sweeping the nation.
How is Howard The Wolf Man ('Dogballz69') Not Banned Yet? (Part 9)
I think it took a lot of courage for me to go into the Living/Unliving With Depression thread and talk about my problem, admitting that I’ve become a human again. Then Howard trolls his way in and calls me a whiner and says I shouldn’t be allowed on the boards anymore because I’m not a “real” monster?! I was a vampire before Howard was even born!
Pope's Gamer Status FAQ
Everything you need to know about the Pope’s retirement from the Holy Gaming Sect
Unbelievable Deals at the Unfinished Basement Depot
The Unfinished Basement Depot will provide you with some of the tools and part of the know-how to upgrade your underground.
How Far We've Come
The first cell phones were little more than curiosities.More distracting than useful, they wasted time and led owners to be remarkably inconsiderate. They had unreliable coverage and required you to deal with predatory phone companies. Now you can buy a bunch of apps.
George Orwell Offers 1,984 Reasons to Put Fatheads On Your Wall (Part 7)
The author of "1984" and "Animal Farm" is hired to write copy for the Fatheads vinyl wall art website.
Erotic Cashier Stories
The touchscreen had an interface I didn't understand, and I kept hitting the wrong buttons, flooding the screen with error messages. Each one made the cashier cringe, but told me to keep going. As I fumbled through the menus trying to upgrade my meal he began breathing heavily.
Spout.ly February Hot Sips (Part 4)
February has proven especially thirst-quenching for Shaggy Butte's fountain aficionados, with a spate of new arrivals and new discoveries bringing in some much-needed freshness.
Subj: TRUE LOVE... OH BABEY (Part 61)
Recalling my past loves and why nobody likes me.
The "Yo Gabba Gabba!" Creation Myth
Exploring the extended creation myth of adorably strange cult kids' show "Yo Gabba Gabba!"
Pizza Is Far Healthier Than Vegetables
Every time I eat pizza, I find myself realizing that at that exact moment I have lived longer than at any other point in my life. The tasty Italian treat is a miraculous health elixir. It's a wonder food.
Ayn Rand Promotes Anime Culture for J-List (Part 6)
J-List hires Objectivist Ayn Rand to write copy for their website and convey the rational self-interest of glorious Nippon.
J.J. Abrams News of the Past Fifteen Minutes
Turn to your friends at Something Awful for the latest updates about J.J. Abrams and Star Wars: Episode VII. We promise that each one will be excruciatingly insubstantial by increasing magnitudes.
The Best Jeopardy Stories
In the presence of Alex Trebek, everyone wants to look interesting. Few succeed.
Only Garfield Can Save Timbuktu
There is blood on Jim Davis's hands.
Something Awesome's 9 Wildest & Wackiest Super Bowl Ads
The creative geniuses from the world's top marketing firms came up with some real rib-ticklers for this year's Super Bowl. See the best, exclusively on Something Awesome!
A Routine Checkup
Your lab results from last week's physical just came in, and there were some... unexpected abnormalities. Everything seemed fine during the exam. Remember how you breezed through the hula hoop exercise and drank the quart of milk in record time? You appeared to be in tip-top shape.
Franz Kafka Writes for Sodastream's Website (Part 22)
Kafkaesque writer Franz Kafka is employed by beverage mixer Sodastream to describe flavors for their website.
A Complete List of Dogs I Have Killed So Far: A Memoir
The dog looked me in the eyes for an instant, as if to ask 'Why are you strangling me?' I looked at his teeth, then back in his eyes, as if to answer 'To protect myself from your teeth.' At that moment, there was a deep understanding between us. I buried the dog on top of a pile of garbage and lit the dog and garbage on fire with a piece of fire.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Home Cellulite Smoother (Part 18)
DOES NOT WORK AS ADVERTISED. Thought it would smooth out my fat, but all it did was move it to the right side of my body. Now I'm debilitatingly asymmetrical and can no longer hold down gainful employment as a toll booth operator.
Subj: DO NOT GO TO "ROAD GYM" (Part 60)
I had a bad time at this gym and I will not go back to it.
Glenn Greenwald's Oscar Picks
Guardian columnist Glenn Greenwald offers his picks for this year's Oscars. Even though he hasn't seen any of the movies.
Making Sense Of All Those Confusing Butter Labels
You just want to buy a stick of butter for your family. Unfortunately, there are so many buzzwords and misleading labels that your head gets to spinning. You're left in the fetal position in the dairy aisle, your nose bleeding, a cell phone in your hand as you whisper to your family that there will not be dinner tonight or ever again.
J.J. Abrams, This Perfect Time to Reboot Nien Nunb
Minor Star Wars character Nien Nunb wants a reboot from J.J. Abrams, and he will do anything to get it.
Rules and Regulations for Sylvester Stallone Movie Extras
Find out what it's like to work next to the famed Italian Horse-man with this document pulled straight from the set of his upcoming Summer 2014 blockbuster!
The Time Tooth Tooth Tasted Swine: Part 5 (Part 11)
In the thrilling conclusion of our five-part Tooth Tooth serial, our hero learns the true nature of swine, regains his righteousness and confronts the sinister Jeremy Birdcastle, the whitest dude in town.
Dostoevsky's Copyright Crime & Punishment (Part 5)
Giant of Russian literature, Fyodor Dostoevsky, turns his attention to the grim misdeeds of the information age.
Escape From The Lair Of The Evil Devil
As I hiked my way through the old pine woods, the sky grew mysteriously overcast. Within moments I found myself caught in a brutal drizzle of mildly cool rain. Calling upon my extensive knowledge as an outdoorsman, I knew that I only had ten minutes to seek shelter and get out of the sprinkle before my body would shut down and die.
George R. R. Martin Writes for a Baby Toy Catalog (Part 4)
Journey with George R.R. Martin to a brutal realm of intrigue and non-toxic, eco-friendly baby toys.
The Video Game I Made about My Mom's Third Divorce
In 1996 I won Fox Kids' Create a Video Game Sweepstakes, a contest where the winner got to work with Sega to design their own video game. As a 13-year-old nerd I would've been thrilled, except that my mom and current dad were getting divorced at the time.
Memos from Bear Cave: General Complaints (Part 15)
Lip smacking. It's a goddamn epidemic here. I hear it through the walls. If you can't refrain from smacking your lips, you’re going to be getting awfully familiar with the heel of my boot.
Subj: THINGS I RAN AWAY FROM (Part 59)
"Running got me to where I am today and I will never stop" -me
My 70-inch TV Will Fix Everything
You should get one. Great blacks, great color range. Fills the emptiness in my life so much better than the 52-inch we had.
Thank Goodness For Hero Dog
Driven by compassion and bravery, one amazing pooch has become the savior of our small town. He's a better person than any of us - or our kids - will ever be.
H.P. Lovecraft Writes Descriptions for the Sample Clips on Brazzers (Part 3)
Famous horror author H.P. Lovecraft spends his posthumous years writing description text for Brazzers clips.
Gun Safety Tips
Retain the good reputation of your instrument of death with these helpful hints.
District Bulletin: Missing Person (Part 14)
Dorroile is missing. We are very glad to not have him. He was the Worst Guy, and his gay mischief rained soaking ridicule upon us all. It is good that Dorroile has left. Nobody misses him. However, Your Superiors are required to document his absence so diligent, as with any missing fellow.
Why our Downton Abbey/Football Party Failed
FYI I’ve done the research and there is no Victorian gesture of putting your testicles on someone’s neck while they try to watch elderly women drink tea. It’s just gross.
Indie Band or D&D Monster
Think you know pop culture? Take our pop quiz and see if you know the indie band from the D&D monster.
Comic Book Pop Quiz: What's Spider-Man Been Up To?
I'm going to present you with a few Spider-Man storylines. Only one of them is the real deal, an actual plot that took place in the pages of a Spider-Man comic book within the last ten years. The remaining arcs are fakes. Can you spot the genuine storyline?
The Children's Novelization of "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters"
The dark children's fairytale, adapted into an action movie, novelized as a children's fairytale using most of the world's supply of exclamation marks.
Reality Journal
Total daymare last afternoon. I waked I saw all the monsters from my nightmares, but in human form, as coworkers, family members, and random people on the street.
Top Holodeck Programs
The following entries meet your request for “most popular holodeck programs plus large breasted alien bathhouse.”
Subj: WHAT A BAD YEAR (Part 58)
A short list of my regrets from this year. Boy hooty.
