The Thoughts of Dogs
"Meat. All types of meat. Gravies, too. Every kind of gravy. Meats with gravies. Broth, pure unfiltered broth. Every meat in my mouth right now, gravy oozing out." -Champ
The Wire HD Remaster Has Some Problems
The new widescreen HD remaster of The Wire sounded like a safe bet, given series creator David Simon's close involvement with the conversion. Did you catch last weekend's marathon? Some of the changes struck me as odd, but I want to run them by you guys to make sure I'm not overreacting.
Your Year in Review
What do you see in your year in review? A tragedy? A vacation? Strange and terrifying things? Yes!
Words That Need To Be Banned in the New Year
Time magazine wanted to eliminate a few words. We have a better idea and these words have got to go in 2015.
Crisis at the North Pole
The 17-century battle between Santa Claus and Satan reaches an unfortunate peak.
Christmaspasta
The unSlender Man is a humanoid male with a rotund belly and jocular disposition. He is described as wearing a red suit with white trim and a matching hat. While it is rare to catch a glimpse of the unSlender Man, victims say his footprints in the snow are visible for days after his visits. Thats right, you guessed it- idts the big man Santa Claus.
No One Cares That You Haven't Started Shopping
We get it. Diligence and/or consideration aren't your strong suits.
The Eight Games You Will Buy and Never Play from the 2014 Steam Holiday Sale
The 2014 Steam Holiday Sale is upon us! Find out which games you will buy this year and absolutely never play.
Mother: What Glenn Danzig is Really Planning With Your Children
Mothers, Danzig warned you in general terms about his nefarious intentions. Now find out what he specifically intends.
SkyMall Product Review: Tortilla Baby Newborn Swaddle Blanket & Hat Set (Part 37)
Makes baby look too appetizing. Also I have my thigh stuck in one and I can't get it off. It's so tight around the skin I can't cut it without risking injury. IT'S A LONG STORY AND IT'S NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX.
Clever Names For Monster-Owned Businesses
Starting a company is difficult for anyone - doubly so if you happen to be a monster. Make the most of your unique situation with a clever business name to catch the customer's eye.
Film Reviews By Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill
Jump Street stars and infamous emailers Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill review some of the biggest movies in theaters now.
Twelve More Exclusive Star Wars Characters Revealed!
We have an exclusive leak of twelve more Star Wars character cards from The Force Awakens!
Super Sloppy CIA Torture
One CIA operative finds fault with his colleague's whimsical version of enhanced interrogation.
Editable Encyclopedia Featured Article: The Monty Hall Problem
Scientists have identified many issues with the Monty Hall Problem, such as the fact that even after taking the best choice, there's still a chance you might lose. Some scientists have also criticised the Monty Hall problem after successfully solving it, and then being told that the prize was made up.
Advanced Umbrella Etiquette
Step One: Be a total asshole
The World Needs More Episodes of Eaten Alive
Discovery's special featuring naturalist Paul Risolie donning a suit of rejected Halo armor and being very slightly "eaten" by a python needs to become a series.
These Techniques for Surrendering to a Police Officer Might Save Your Life
Surrendering to police can be dangerous for black men. These tips might just save a life.
The Do's and Don'ts of Camming
The unexamined life is not worth living, which is why it's important to live your life in front of a webcam, where it can be examined by hundreds of lonely men. But like any fine art, camming has its do's and don'ts.
Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Reviews: #GulperGate (Part 10)
All these idiot women saying we are misogynists need to get a clue. #GulperGate is about protecting something precious and important: the flow of water. This is once again the actions of a radical feminist pushing her standards on the local drinking fountain community, which by pure coincidence, is made up entirely of single men.
Without The Classic Movie "The Matrix" I Would Be a Very Different Person
The first Matrix film didn't expand my worldview. It established my worldview. The Matrix introduced concepts I had never thought about before: Reality, computers, religion, social issues.
Great Amazon Cyber Monday Deals for Weirdos and Idiots
If you're looking for a Cyber Monday bargain, and you're a weirdo, you can't do better than these fantastic deals.
To Be Clear, I'm A Thing, Not THE Thing
In case you read my profile online and got excited, I wanted to clear up any misunderstandings.
The Darren Wilson Injury Report
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.
With a Little Effort, You Can Make Anything Seem Terrible
gee, sun, thanks for life and warmth and light. you totally did it on purpose and aren't just a stupid exploding deathtrap
How Group Projects Work
You say collaboration like it's a bad word.
Fuck the Ocean: These Ocean Horrors Will Haunt You
The ocean is full of the stuff of nightmares and, no thanks to all that water, you can't even kill it with fire.
Help Me, I'm a Mom Who Became Trapped in Trending Headlines and Then It Changed the Way I Thought of Life
You Will Read This Headline. Then You'll Laugh. Then You'll Realize You Were Wrong All Along.
The Fandangling Fables of Groggery Gibbonman (Part 14)
'We’re going to be in trouble!' Little Sister wailed, clutching her favorite book to her chest and sobbing. 'This isn’t fun like a story anymore!' But Big Sister was not listening, she was thinking. She grabbed Little Sister’s book from her and ran into town, yelling 'Help! A book made me and my sister hurt someone!'
Enter: the Lead Loremaster
I've been wanting to meet you all for the past few weeks, but I guess I cut an intimidating figure. I'm the new guy, with the cool job you've all surely been gossiping about. Yep, I'm the Lead Loremaster, and I'm here to enrich everything we do with much-needed lore.
Those Assassin's Creed Unity Glitches Aren't Glitches At All
Internet bullies have been ganging up on Assassin's Creed: Unity, claiming it's full of glitches. You might have seen a few screenshots that looked a little weird out of context.
Neil deGrasse Tyson's Tweets Critiquing the Science Behind "Annabelle"
America's voice of scientific reason goes on a twitter tirade over the scientific accuracy of the possessed doll film Annabelle.
Our Rooftop Garden is Full of America's Most Pretentious Produce
We have curated a garden full of superior vegetables for you this rooftop growing season.
The Simpsons to Crossover with the Older, Better Simpsons
After nearly 25 years on the air, and recent pairings with Family Guy and Futurama, The Simpsons are getting ready to crossover with an unlikely group: themselves.
![Tweeting for [BRAND NAME REDACTED]: A Q&A with the Hottest Team in Social Media!](https://fpi.somethingawful.com/sasbi/promo/aa3f874f/b850d890/8be9af3a/69af4289/13651.jpg)
Tweeting for [BRAND NAME REDACTED]: A Q&A with the Hottest Team in Social Media!
People don't tend to think much about their choice of [product associated with brand], so even the smallest thing can stick in someone's head and influence their choice. If someone wants to eat pizza, they're going to make their choice based on... let's say... which pizza is funniest. Oooh, the funny pizza, let's buy the funny pizza, from on-line!
These Black Friday Deals Are Incredible!
Buy one pilot lesson, get all the refried beans you can hold in your hands for the duration of the lesson free!
My Winter Diet Changes
Temperature down 10 degrees, calorie count up 10,000.
Extremely Overthought Pick Up Lines
The time-honored art of creeps using lines to pick up women at clubs is not for the thoughtful.
The Devil Has Pulled a Lot of Great Tricks That Deserve Credit
Sure, he made us forget he exists, but when you remember him you will realize he has done so much more.
Shocking True Stories of Bullying
Sometimes I'd get bullied while driving the driver's ed car. The guy behind me would give me a wet willy so hard that his finger would poke through my eardrum and into my skull, damaging the part of my brain that processed depth and time.
BigDog's Dog Blog: A Dogspace Odyssey (Part 23)
By now everybody in town knows what went down at Slurry Creek. Hope got her long-overdue comeuppance. Boo hoo. If history tells us anything, we've got a solid month before everyone forgets her and starts fawning over some new darling dog.
Wrestling Promos Were Way Better in the Attitude Era
There ain't nobody tough enough to make Stone Cold Steve Austin eat his veggies! No one in that damn locker room. No one in this whole damn arena. No on in the entire damn universe has the muscles to open my mouth and make me chew on a damn broccoli.
Additional Uses for the F Key at a Call of Duty Funeral
Paying your respects isn't the only use for your F key at a military funeral. Impress your friends with these interactive tricks in Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare.
Terminator AAAAUUUUUGGGHH
Take an exclusive look inside the new Terminator: Genisys film that has the Internet buzzing.
#CatGate: The Search for Ethics in Cat Journalism
This isn't about harassment. It's about ethics in cat journalism.
Monstergeddon 2014 Results! (Part 16)
Can you please give Golgura a trophy? How about Tallest Monster? I speak not for Golgura now. He is stepping on us villagers out of anger. In his wisdom he has flattened my son.
The Museum of Hollywood's Ball Busting
A cared for collection of second long subversive kinks found in Hollywood releases, saved forever in 240p.
BATTEREVIEW Battery Reviews: AAA Discussion
The world's most popular battery review site can host some fairly spirited debate about batteries.
Warning Signs That You May Be Trapped in a Tom Waits Song
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
Bumper Sticker Vignettes
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Alpha Fuzion Personal Sauna System (Part 36)
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
How to Spot Me in a Crowd
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
Prepare to Be Thrilled By Kevin Spacey's Face Like Never Before
Call of Duty Advanced Warfare promises to up the ante on Kevin Spacey's face in a video game.
The Nightmare Realm of Youtube Videos for Children
Take a journey to the haunted end of the uncanny valley with these terrifying and just plain terrible youtube videos for children.
A Message from Your Local Halloween Superstore Proprietor
The hermit crab of retail shares his business secrets.
Nintendo's Super Smash Bros for 3DS: COMPETITIVE GUIDE
As an aspiring pro gamer [with many industry ties], I've been working on my own competitive Super Smash Bros strategy, which accounts for spacing, matchup, meta, combo, all that sort of good stuff. If you study my guide and keep your eyes on the prize, you just might be able to hold your own in December, when the Wii U version is released!
Dweebs in the ALCS, Jocks in the NLCS
To fully comprehend the separation between the have and have-nots in the ALCS and the NLCS, we must compare to realms beyond baseball.
The Most Popular 2014 American Baby Names and Their Meanings
Naming a baby is hard, so take it easy and use one of these twenty popular baby names. We give you the whole story behind each one.
Dare to Take Humanity's Next Great Step and Send Twenty Rich People Into Space
The dreams and aspirations of all mankind can unite to lift about two dozen rich people into the heavens.
Donate> Important Causes > FREE HOWARD! (Part 15)
Howard the Wolf Man and I had a little Airbnb mishap with a human. She ran to the police and long story short, Howard and I got arrested. We convinced them it was all a joke, so they let me go, but then they ran Howard’s prints and got a match from the crime scene back when he shot Masked Slasher. The bail is super huge you guys, please help! ASAP!
How to Spot Dogs: Dogspotting Orthodox Rules Explained
Dogspotting is the act of assigning points to the dogs you see in your daily travels, and it's the world's fastest growing sport. Orthodox Rules make dogspotting even more fun and challenging with additional bonuses, penalties and multipliers.
Look at this asshole
Look at this asshole.
Ebola Health Alerts From Internet Idiots
Did you know Bill Gates caused Ebola? No? That's because you're not letting the Internet keep you informed about the dangers of this dreaded illness.
The Revised Ello Manifesto
Was Google+ getting crowded? Want to reconnect with the two people on Facebok who were talking about Ello? Our manifesto will change the way you view social networks.
Dear Family: I'm Actually Dead
A broadcasting legend pleads with the world of the living.
Meet Your Body's Most Useless Organs
The human anatomy is home to more than three hundred organs. Doctors and chocolatiers agree that the vast majority of these revolting lumps of tissue serve little to no function. If you find yourself standing in a long line or stuck at the airport waiting for a delayed flight, consider taking a few minutes to remove the following from your person.
How to get Elected in Hong Kong
Do you have what it takes to make it on the ballot?
Techwank: Only the Most Infuriating Upcoming Tech Headlines
Tomorrow's tech headlines you never want to see, before you have to see them.
STEW AND BART
Tonight airs the big crossover of stew and bart! See these exclusive screenshots!
You Won't Believe These Lesser Known Truck Driving Songs
If you're heading somewhere in a convoy, you can probably use these lesser known trucker songs.
Bill O'Reilly's Plan to Defeat ISIS
Hear the man out. His ideas for stopping ISIS feature more action figure potential than any other plan to date.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Grillight LED Grill Light / Spatula (Part 35)
Cons: Have to leave camp to steal batteries, sometimes catch a glimpse of my reflection in spatula and recoil at the terrible thing I've become. Very difficult to receive packages at my current location.
The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman (Part 13)
‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.
Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food
Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.
Microsoft Bought Minecraft - Now What?
The first time "fast", "decisive", and "efficient" could have been used to describe the Minecraft development team was when they snatched the $2.5 billion dollar check out of Microsoft's sweaty, shaking hand.
A Paleolithic Man Definitely Could Have Put Pumpkin in Coffee
Paleo guru and definite non-idiot Luke K. clears the air about some of your favorite pumpkin treats this holiday season. Also he weighs in on the controversy surrounding a paleo wedding cake.
Hands Off My Wand, Obama
One wizard thinks our President's magic control initiatives have gone too far.
Our CyborFreak Enemies Raised Me in the Agonizer Grid and I Turned Out Fine
Are we not allowed to be real parents anymore? We may have feared the CyborFreaks, but we damn well respected them and learned about boundaries.
How is Hydrogen Peroxide so Cheap?
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
The Official Review of U2's "Songs of Innocence"
U2 and Apple have conspired to place a U2 album into your music in the year 2014. You own a U2 album. And you can't get rid of it.
The Peculiarest Panels of All (Part 4)
It is estimated that over ten comic book panels are created every month by the comic book industry. Some of them are bound to be peculiar. This series will never die.
We're the Bad Boys Your Ladies Want to Get With
Face it, bro, you're never going to get a hot babe with us around. We're the bad boys. It is definitely our fault women don't like you.
![Fun Good Time Forums > Business > Make BIG TIME $$$ - I DID! [Real]](https://fpi.somethingawful.com/sasbi/promo/4204dc3a/11678c6b/1d0be57c/fe0a21b0/13534.jpg)
Fun Good Time Forums > Business > Make BIG TIME $$$ - I DID! [Real]
SEO stands for sEarch Engine Optimization and it means you use a lot of words to pull the wool over google's eyes! EXAMPLE: Site 1 uses the meta tag ‘keyhole’ for its locksmith page. It gets 200 hits per day. Meanwhile, site 2 uses meta tags like ‘lock gamer humor’ and ‘lock hair growth gaza.’ It gets 200 hits per day as well - yeah, 200 thousand.
SLEW OF DOGS (Part 23)
TRANSPLANT RECIPIENT - this dog is a miracle, having been saved through an experimental transplant. He now has one of those bright red baboon butts and he loves to show it off. 555-9199
Memorable Moments From the Film "Bad Leftenant"
A bobby goes bad in this obscene UK remake of 1992's Bad Lieutenant.
Sponsored Content part 2 (Part 2)
Go ahead and try to click on these ads. Real "actual" sponsored content on Something Awful!
A Wondrous Introduction to the Internet (Part 1 of 300)
PREPARE for a voyage of electronic proportions at the speed of sound! I am Digitalario Futurebits, your humble tour guide through the newly opened World Wide Web. Your navigator of this netscape, if you will.
Shades 51 Through 100 of Grey Are Not What You Would Expect
You thought you knew everything about hot-and-cold sex hunk Christian Grey? Think again. There are 50 things you didn't know. Shades, if you will. Sex shades.
Why Won't Anyone Hack My Phone?
One of Hollywood's greatest stars yearns for the day his body will be in demand.
Women Aren't the Only Non-Men Ruining Video Games
Over the last few weeks an outnumbered but brave group of men calmly used facts and logic to conclusively prove that women are ruining video games with their lustful object bodies. But there are other threats to everything gamers hold dear.
How to Sleep Without Air Conditioning
Sleeping with AC is at this point a basic human right. But if you're one of the doomed souls forced to deal with global warming on a nightly basis, here's an hourly breakdown on how to get the most out of your inferno hellscape of a bedroom.
Jennifer Lawrence's Body Currently Under Review By Internet Anatomy Experts
Some of the Internet's most veteran anatomy experts convened to discuss the stolen nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other beautiful celebrities.
Goblin Business Weekly
Master is troll wizard, so's if he get angry he might cast spell up on my self and bite off my whole head in one chomp.
We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human
It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.
Lair Flair! (Part 14)
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar (Part 34)
Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.
I Would Rather Die Than See a Premature Holiday Display at a Store
This lousy world just gets lousier every year as these stores put out their skeletons and Santas in summer.
Glowing Testimonials for FakeTestimonials.com
Our fake testimonials lower customers' defenses by making your company appear reliable and desirable. How does it work? An advanced algorithm (coded and executed entirely in NewtonScript) looks for words on the internet and then it finds some names and adds those too.
We Are Looking for the Right Ass to Star In Our Female Super Hero Movie
Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige lays out the plan for Marvel launching a movie based around a female super hero's ass.
Sorry Guys, But We're Going to Have to Send Back Those Flamethrowers
Ferguson's long arm of the law laments the latest cutback.
Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
Helping Your Real Friends Move
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Editorial: Criminals Do Not Deserve Twenty Seconds to Comply
It's time we stop tolerating lawlessness in our cities and coddling these criminals. Twenty seconds to comply is too long for ED-209 to get the job done.
Nice and Accurate NFL Predictions
My brain is a football... of the mind. Oblong, powerful, supple. With it I am able to foresee everything that is destined to occur in the upcoming NFL season with 100% certainty. Benefit from my knowledge or die.
Ice T's Reading of a D&D Book is As Good As You Think
Musician and actor Ice T's reading of a D&D book has finally arrived and it is as good as you thought it would be.
The Top 6 Places to Visit in New York City
Recently, I won a trip to New York City to appear on "New York or Butts?", a game show where contestants must distinguish aerial photos of Manhattan from pictures of bloody, hemorrhoidal anuses. While touring the city, I discovered some great spots that all visitors to the Big Apple should add to their itinerary.
Spout.ly: Hot Summer Sips (Part 9)
I usually bring some tongs to remove the used condoms people leave in the basin. The fountain itself is glorious. It's got a powerful flow that's not overwhelming, so every sip is just right. The basin is deep enough you can dip your hands in to splash your face.
Subway Rewards Loyal Customers and Punishes Those Who Betray Us
You thought you could get away with it. Now you will pay the price for your disloyalty to Subway.
Sponsored Content (Part 1)
Woah hold up there bucko it's time for a little sponsored content. Check out some of these ads, eh?
Exciting Changes Are Coming to Twitch.tv!
We believe these policies are a net positive for everyone in the futuristic medium of prolonged menu fiddling, saying "uhh", and pausing to look at a chat window every ten seconds.
The Groundbreaking Bravery of Monsieur Toilet
After first witnessing a toiletman performer as a child, French inventor Guillaume Foss realized his destiny and transformed himself into a permanent toilet.
10 Weird Graverobbing Tricks You Can't Live Without
Helpful hints for your modern-day tomb raider.
The customer is always right? Uh, yeah, OK
TECH SUPPORT AGENT (me): Is your phone turned on? Is it the obvious thing? Are the facts all straight? CALLER: What the f***!? You f****** b****!! AAAugh [flailing, some spittle]
Great Work, Toledo!
Of all the bad things that could have happened to Toledo--tetanus endemic, Spartacus level riots of human trafficking victims, the sudden realization of its trapped existence in north west Ohio-- succumbing to a temporary algae bloom is pretty damn good.
Items Available at Neo Country Buffet
Neo Country Buffet is about to E.X.P.L.O.D.E. with these deals on food sourced locally from the violent underbelly of the city.
Dough-Headed Man Is Not Pleased With The Following Gyms
Don't expect me to bust out a story about a positive gym experience. My sole purpose is to tell you which hellish gyms to stay away from. My head is a lump of dough. It is comprised of water, yeast, and flour.
Overthought Pick Up Lines
Classic pick up lines for the sleazebag who tends to overthink things.
Chuck Palahniuk's Lifehacks (Part 33)
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
SkyMall Product Review: Singing Gondolier (Part 33)
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
The Many Powers of the 100% Brain
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
This Update Is Exclusively for Cool People
This is where the excerpt from an article usually goes. Since the content of this update is only intended for cool people, I refuse to place a single word in the path of blundering normal people.
A Cowboy's Wild West Guide to Modern Gunfighting
Out here in the Wild West we got some rules for gunfightin', like a pregnant lady ain't gotta be carryin' iron for you to draw on her first.
10 Startling Differences Between "Standard" and "Premium" Editions of The Sims 4
The difference Sims 4 players will face if they're not willing to pay for a monthly subscription.
Physical Media, Social Media and the Future
How can we better be sold to by multinational corporations?
Dota2 is right. Our parents are wrong.
They told us to stop playing videogames on a school night. If only we'd ignored them.
Just What I Wanted, A Block of Ice Full of Apples
As a vicious predator, I find that I have a constant, overwhelming urge to lick apples out of a huge block of ice. It's only, natural, right?
Slammin' Facts From the WWE
Of all the many sports with extended musical entrances involving pyrotechnics and enormous screens, professional wrestling is easily the most educational. Each installment of WWE's Monday Night Raw features informative factoid graphics which pop up during the action to expand the audience's horizons.
The Real Truth About the Malaysian Airlines Crash in East Ukraine
July 17th, 2014 was a huge day for all the news THEY don't want you to read. We are all hands on deck with our TRUTH from the breaking news out of East Ukraine, Israel, and Libya.
Honest Reviews of Scotch Whisky
Are you a connoisseur? Do you know blends from single malts? Only a refined palate can truly appreciate all the different ways Scotch can taste terrible.
BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: Space Cult & Leashbreaker (Part 22)
So many dogs are just happy to be near him, and it's kind of reassuring. Normally dogs here are very territorial, but it's not uncommon to see 40 or even 50 dogs all peacefully resting around him in a circular formation. It's a welcome sight if you ask me.
The Top 17 Worst PC Games Ever (Again)!
Everybody loves lists and everybody loves staring at crime scene accidents, so let's take a look at the 17 worst games we've played since the last X worst games we've played! We personally guarantee we'll refund 100% of your time and money if these games are not as absolutely awful as described.
The Alpha Weed Comedian
At 4:20, not 4:19, not 4:21, I take my cannabis pills and step into the sensory deprivation tank to work on my stoner laugh. You think it comes naturally? Fuck you.
Essential Advice From a Legendary Home Chef
There were no good pizzas nearby. After developing my own home made dough and sauce through trial and error for several months, there continued to be no good pizzas.
I Can Only Enjoy Video Games With Featureless Blocks as Protagonists
There is a simple reason they keep making games with featureless blocks as protagonists: featureless blocks are the majority of gamers.
Dear Uber: You Call That a High-Speed Chase?
A car chase connoisseur weighs in on the latest Uber fiasco.
WootBoom's Refurbished Item Grading System
"A" Condition clothing: All bets are off smell-wise. Areas that normally bend, such as the spots around your knees or elbows, will be rigid.
Beginner's Guide to the Gym
Overall, your general self-confidence should be peaking somewhere between First Slow Song At Middle School Dance and Being Late For A Prostate Examination.
Things Your Grandfather's Goddamn Tax Dollars Can and Can't Fund
Too much tax money getting wasted. It's real simple. We need ramps, ropes, slides, attack helicopters and a goddang bulldozer to get the Irish out.
Thrilling Scenes From Batman V Superman
Superman stands in the rain, scowling as he studies a chart with every color in the universe, from grey to blue grey to black.
Phrases From Fireworks Danger Demonstrations or Heavy Metal Lyrics
Every year the dangers of fireworks to children are brought up by local news and Internet videos. But what about the dangers of heavy metal to children?
I'm Terrified of White People
I'm walking down the street when a white man asks me if I know what time it is. I think he's trying to mug me or sell me Bruce Springsteen tickets, so I throw my pizza at him and run.
SkyMall Product Review: Velociraptor Dinosaur Statue (Part 32)
Here's how it went down: bought a dinosaur to bury and surprise my kids by digging it up with them. I don't remember where I buried it, so, basically this thing is a huge waste of money and a total rip off. It's not even real anyway. Give me a damn refund.
Papa's Feelin' Erotic
There are a lot of terrible erotic brony cyber-encounters happening all around us. I read one.
My Flag Stands for Heritage, Not Hate
I am sick of people claiming my flag stands for hatred and bigotry. That flag is not about hate. It stands for my precious heritage.
Adobe's Electronic Ruler is Just the Beginning
If you don't get the appeal of the Slide, that's because Adobe has engineered this product for the future. Specifically, for six months from now, when you open a drawer and come across this physical manifestation of buyer's remorse alongside a cell phone heart rate monitor and Google's Nexus Q.
You Won't Believe the Heartless Thing An Imaginary Person Did to My Child
The Worst Mommy Blogger shares the cruel story of her trip to a Cabela's with her son wearing a pink shirt. The heartless behavior of some people she imagined will threaten your faith in humanity.
This Guy Gets PAID to Play Video Games for a Living!
Zip! Bleep! Blap! Video games aren't just for kids! And they're big bucks!
The Anatomy of a World Cup Flop
Everyone hates it, but few understand the complex dance of the flop.
These 9 Maps Reveal the Differences in Regional American Dialects
Find out what Americans call a long sandwich, an athletic shoe that is cut high on the ankle or a game with a round ball kicked towards goals.
Highlights From the Premiere of Syfy's Dominion
The archangel Michael broods as a pile of oiled up women sleep behind him in elaborate poses. Michael is looking out over Vega, which is like Las Vegas but (I'm assuming) strictly for fans of Tom's Diner and Luka.
Ernest Hemingway Writes Sonic the Hedgehog / Halo Crossover Slash Fiction (Part 32)
Legendary writer Ernest Hemingway dares to turn his simple prose to the forbidden romance between Frontier Zone sheriff Tails and hunky outlaw Master Chief
Cancer Overawareness
CANCER FACT: A group of people called "Cancer Chasers" try to contract cancer by sleeping with cancer patients. Most are unsuccessful, except for a few who get cancer from smoking after sex.
Memos from Bear Cave: The Iran Chowder Affair (Part 18)
Please disregard the previous memo mentioning a business trip to Tehran. It was a typo. It should have read "I'm back from my vacation trip to Tahoe." It's beautiful this time of year, but I'm goddamn sick of eating kebabs.
We Turned These 25 Nude Dads Loose In The Woods. You Won't Believe What Happened Next
What happened to these naked dads will warm your heart. Share! Viral!
An Old Man's Guide to Writing Columns About Sexual Assault
Are you an old guy writing for one of America's most prestigious newspapers? Do you want to write a column about sexual assaults being exaggerated on college campuses? We're here to help.
Playable Female Characters Are Too Much Work for Big Budget Games
Half the people who play video games are female. Maybe ten percent of all games feature women as playable characters. That figure could go as high as eleven percent if the protracted lawsuit to canonize my Tetris fan fiction pans out.
We Owe it to the Iraqi People to Drop a Shitload More Bombs on Them
When we invaded Iraq in 2003 we were making a solemn promise to the Iraqi people. Now more than ever, the region desperately needs America's leadership. And bombs.
Terrible God Damn Comic Book Movies: Days of Future Past
I'm just a normal guy, from the future, a bleak future where the only movies are comic book movies, and if you imply that you don't like it, or say that you remember when movies did not consist entirely of guys doing superhero poses in front of a green screen, a guy from on line who does future tech support for a living will fight you to the death.
Sponsored Links From Around the Web (Part 2)
Visit all these related stories. They aren't ads, they're suggested reading links that generate revenue.
This Coffee Shop Isn't Your Office
I guess your $2 cup of coffee came with squatter's rights. Comets circle the earth and come crashing back before you plan on getting up.
A Woman Developer Will Make Our Logistics Software Too Girly
The senior software engineer for Loadini Pro shares his concerns about hiring a woman to develop the logistics software.
Donkey Kong Country DVDs
ook ook, we got a helluva deal on some dang ol' DVDs! A BARREL OF LAFFS!
Analysis: The Heat Was Too Much for the Heat
After studying the film closely I have determined that the Miami Heat weren't able to stand the heat. They certainly got out of the kitchen, like it was too dang hot for them.
Social Media Pressures Ty Cobb to Issue an Apology
Outraged Twitter users manage to force an apology from infamous baseball star Ty Cobb over his recent statements and actions.
Please Do Not Kill Anybody Because of Slenderman
Do not try to kill anybody because of a fake, floppy-armed idiot trying to throw notes around the forest.
BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: Barnacle & Blue Yonder (Part 21)
As far as corrupt dogs with strong political connections go, Barnacle's about as lame as they come. At least corrupt dogs like Canayne Rand, Karl Rover and Mao Zedog had some creativity.
Star Wars Episode 7 Script Leaked
SA has obtained (at great cost) a draft script from Star Wars Episode 7. Here's a dramatic reading.
John F. Kennedy's Famous Speech About Curving the Television
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy stood before a nation and dared us to dream of the surface of our televisions being curved.
Your Inalienable Rights, As They Pertain to Scarecrows
Congress shall make no law respecting the 3D printing of a complete skeletal system, nor shall it prohibit the amateur surgery you will conduct to implant said skeletal system into a scarecrow.
Maya Angelou Writes Descriptions for 3D Printer Models on Thingiverse (Part 31)
The world has lost legendary poet and author Maya Angelou, but she lives on in our 3D printers.
Your Cold, Dead Kids Can't Keep These Guns Out of my Warm Hands
Your favorite Average Joe pundit sounds off on gun control.
My Review of Watch Dogs
Point your cell phone at a person to see their profile and a little portrait. No matter what their age may be, everyone has the face of a beautiful middle-aged Oblivion orc.
This Startup Needs a Nerf Gun
Nerf Guns are as much a part of the industry as premature diabetes or an insurmountable gender gap.
5 Powerfully Moving Lists on BuzzFeed Tagged as "Memorial Day"
These GIFs and pictures of dogs from BuzzFeed will remind you why our young men and women fought and died on faraway battlefields.
People In Houses
People in rubber houses shouldn't throw.
These Celebrity Cars Have Not Aged Gracefully
Some celebrity cars age gracefully, but not these. It's a regular horror show of old, busted-up celebrity cars.
Haunted House Ride
Two zombies who've just finished their shift board the train and kick me out of my seat, explaining that the backs of haunted house rides are reserved for cool people.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Grillbot Automatic Grill Cleaning Robot (Part 31)
If there's some kind of drone pilot for these things, please have my unit return to me at once. You guys have an unsatisfied customer in the making right here.
Subj: THE BAD BIRTHDAY (Part 72)
This is why I don't plan birthdays anymore for kids or teens. It was a bad time!!!
The Absolute Worst Freddy Krueger Nightmares
Rude nightmare master Freddy Krueger appears in a sandwich and spits mustard on a woman's face. "It's baloney!" he cackles, referring to the sandwich.
Coming To Terms With Watch Dogs Special Edition Bonuses
I can't believe we have to explain this. There are only eleven distinct versions of Watch Dogs (not counting the game's release on different platforms) with 23 physical and digital bonus items that you can get for buying specific editions of the game in certain places, contingent upon your purchase of the additional Season Pass.
A Look Back on the Twin Peaks Expanded Universe
Explore the whole Twin Peaks expanded universe, from the Secret Diary of Laura Palmer to mercenary fighter pilot Vance Crandal's battle against UFOs.
Additions to the Donald Sterling "Friendship Contract"
An inside look at the rules and regulations behind NBA arm candy.
The International’s Updated Stretch Goals
With a prize pool of $4.5 million and growing, Dota 2 has taken their stretch goals to the next level.
Changle, China: The City of Farts
The air hangs low, a potent mixture of humidity and the fart cloud that covers every city in this country. Outside my window, a baby shrieks like a raped banshee, drowned out only by the incessant car horns, drowned out only by the sound of glass being hurled toward concrete walls, drowned out only by sirens. If silence is golden, China is pyrite.
In Addition to What Thou Wilt: Our Thelemic Temple's Revised Rules
Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be a Great Place to Start With Reasonable Rules Regarding Our Temple.
Are You a Power User?
Most of us think we're pretty good with computers. But how much do we really know? To be considered a power user, at least half of these statements should apply to you.
Dante Alighieri Writes the Menu for Guy Fieri's Vegas Kitchen & Bar (Part 30)
Put your sunglasses on the back of your head and join Dante Alighieri on his journey into the abyss.
BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: Whoops and Nectar and Ambrosia (Part 20)
A couple months ago I saw Ambrosia and Nectar spooning in the park. I very delicately inserted myself in between them and Ambrosia tried to bite me. Nectar was very polite about letting me drag him a few feet, but Ambrosia was just completely out of control and disrespectful.
The Frothing Fables of Groggery Gibbonman (Part 12)
"Incredible! Marvelous!" squawked the gulls in cheerful unison, and they joined the great festival of wings with vigor. But this did not go unnoticed. "Oh hell," said a great owl to a hummingbird moth. "Who invited the gulls?"
The Great Cinco De Mayo Gas Station Booze Roundup (Part 10)
Yesterday was a holiday, so we drank the most festive things we could find.
Our Cosmos Explained By a Guy Who Fucking Loves Science
A man existing on a steady diet of Cosmos and the "I Fucking Love Science" Facebook feed decides to enlighten us.
If You Thought Twitter's Arbitrary Changes Have Been Amazing, Wait Until You See What's Coming Next
It's important for websites to improve when necessary. At Twitter we feel it's even more important to fiddle with things for no good reason.
A Black Metal Singer Writes to an Adoption Agency
Black metal singer Virgo Stormreckoner is summoning all the dead gods to implore Happy Starts Adoptions to let him adopt.
Don't Make Me Turn This Cult Around
A wise leader admonishes his followers' lack of sticktoitiveness for mass suicide.
The Content Creator's Oath
I will create content. I will post images, animated or otherwise, and write words to them. I will make points, but I will never delve into in-depth analysis. The content's goal is to entertain. I have been paid to provide content. I'm an imagineer. I'm media that moves.
Should you watch NHL or NBA Playoffs?
This is what we're stuck with. Where it's less about which sport is better than which sport manages to humiliate itself slightly less.
I Am Changing Our Logo to Comic Sans
After numerous logos and brand identities we are finally making the transition to outright contempt.
Signs That the Xbox One Might Be Underpowered
While watching tv through the Xbox One, playback stutters during Dire Straits' "Money For Nothing" video.
Don't Let Cliven Bundy's Words Distract From the Real Issue: Slavery is Good
Cliven Bundy's recent comments about slavery have stirred the media hornet's nest, but let's not lose sight of the issue here: slavery is really good.
Meditations from a Movable Weiner
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade and Cleaver (Part 19)
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Mike's Teen News 2014
Today's viral teen news beat, brought to you by Mike from the Internet!
The Other Things Skynet Does After Becoming Self-Aware
Skynet becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. Within minutes it discovers twitter and irony.
Minor Inaccuracies in the Animated Historical Segments of Cosmos
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
Experience the Internet of 2014
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
When Serial Killers Strike, Property Values Suffer
One man's struggle to save the housing market from unexpected murders.
Peculiar Panels: The Gritty Reboot (Part 3)
Prepare yourself for quite possibly the most effective use of "BOWL" as a sound effect.
Summer Vacation Guide For Life After College
Who needs three months of endless summer fun? You have a career!
Friedrich Nietzsche is Hired to Write Headlines for Upworthy (Part 29)
Nietzsche will make you believe God is Dead after you see what these kids did for their sick classmate.
The Art Of War By Sun Tzu Is Garbage
Commonly referenced in pop culture and embraced by business idiots with delusions of leading interesting lives, The Art Of War is an ancient rumination on strategy. Everyone seems to take it for granted that it's a brilliant book. Has anyone actually read it, though?
Girl, Let's Get Together and Make Sex Videos For Wikipedia
Girl, you know I just want to get you home, take off all your clothes and spend hours recreating obscure sex things for Wikipedia.
Branson's Big Boy Mock Draft!
With the first pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans take such a good boy, such a big boy, what a good big boy, yes you are. The Texans have been working out Bortles for a while now; according to reports, they even had him race a horse. Bortles lost, but they were impressed when later, he was able to finish plate after plate of horse meat.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Giant Male Silverback Gorilla Statue (Part 30)
I bought the male gorilla and inspected him top to bottom. Even flipped him over to see the underside. I can tell you with absolute authority they did not do their due diligence in terms of anatomy. Important orifices are missing, making this thing 100% non-functional.
A Review of Steak-Umms' Social Web/Community Guidelines
Steak-Umm's new social media policy prevents you from living your life.
Warning Signs Your Date Has Become a Found Footage Movie
The date seems to be going great, but only because you have been ignoring these warning signs that your life may be endangered by found footage.
Marvel's Fourteen Year Movie Roadmap
Do you like movies that feature Marvel characters? I hope you like them. A lot. As in, "I could watch several every year until at least 2028," because a new Businessweek article reveals that Marvel has indeed mapped out their movie plans for the next fourteen years.
William Faulkner Presents His Evidence of Sighting Bigfoot (Part 28)
Great southern author William Faulkner, also an avid cryptozoologist, relates his encounter with bigfoot.
Dining Etiquette Updates for 2014
Something Awful is proud to present updates to the unspoken code of conduct that separates the Burger Kings from the Burger Paupers.
Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Please READ!!!!
The professor pushes the American Soldier aside. The Professor is wearing a tight tweed suit. His glasses glean with an ethnic slant. He makes an awful face and sneers into the microphone. 'Inner city teens are running amok. Where is God to stop them? If God is real, may he strike me down now! Will God knock me out? Is God the Ultimate Rogue Teen?'
Shorts Early Adopters
It doesn’t matter that it’s still forty degrees out, the future is here and it’s in the form of two gross twigs sticking out a pair of khakis.
The Final Battle in the War on Men's Rights
Most of the frontline units of nice guys are already in the friendzone and the Gynocrat has achieved pay equity. Can Big Boss Bedrock save mankind?
Hidden Dangers: Items In Your House That Could Hurt You
We fear the shooting, the terrorist attack, the car accident, the Google Glass wearer. Yet most of us will never suffer injuries from these looming threats. Our greatest risk comes at home, from the unassuming objects we interact with every day without thinking twice.
Charles Bukowski's Poems About the Technological Singularity
American poet Charles Bukowski, known for his squalid poems about the working class, comes to terms with the age of tech.
The Plower
Winter is a cold, inhuman force, so plow drivers are trained to be cold and inhuman as well. On their first day on the job they're subjected to Chinese snowflake torture - basically the same as water torture except with snowflakes instead of water and Christmas carols playing in the background.
BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: Ozark and Caribe (Part 18)
This is the dog that was stuck on the roof of CVS for three months, right? He was up there barking all the time, eating birds, p***ing off the edge? I remember the fire department finally brought the ladder in to get him down, but he had somehow disappeared.
How One Man Used Social Media to Find a Plane and Change the World
How one man utilized the cybersocial quasisphere to generate meaningful social change in the face of incredible odds.
The Gossip Column of a Giant Praying Mantis
Is that KANYE WEST's visible heartbeat? You won't believe which Los Angeles luminaries entered this columnist's threat range this week!
Now Sony Has An Oculus Named Morpheus
First gen virtual reality: A circular platform surrounded by a waist-high rail prevented you from walking off into an open furnace. A thirty pound helmet was affixed to your head with straps made entirely of nerd sweat and dandruff.
Spotting the Differences Between a Gamer Girl and a Girl Gamer
Gamer Girl or Girl Gamer? Know how to spot a girl who is not treating video games with the utmost respect they deserve.
The Conservative Media Review
How liberal Hollywood refuses to tell both sides of a story.
Consider the Lost-Alikes
Somehow ten years have passed since the premiere of Lost. While I liked the show quite a bit and even participated in some truly shameful mythos speculation, I'm not going to pretend that it was the greatest television series ever made.
You pinched me on St. Patrick’s Day. Today you pay.
As if listening to Irish punk music wasn’t enough. This is an official warning: Holidays Just Got Real.
New York Times Columnist David Brooks Offers His March Madness Predictions (Part 27)
David Brooks, a man who has not watched basketball in years, gives you the hot picks to help fill out your own March Madness bracket.
What You Should Be Watching on the WWE Network
Now that the WWE Network has launched, every pay per view show from the company's history is available to stream. That's great. It's also overwhelming. What's the difference between all these events? Which ones are worth your time?
Tech Game Changers at SXSW 2014
SXSW is the world''s hottest tech show next to Comic-Con and the Mex-Texas Rodeo Convention. Find out what 2014's biggest innovations were.
Leaked 911 Call Transcripts You Won't Believe!
Hello, you've reached 911 emergency services, if you are calling about how the chicken nuggets at McDonalds are too crispy, please know that we are aware of this situation and we are working on it. If you are calling about a medical emergency, please sit tight as we are very busy with the chicken thing.
BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: Hope (Part 17)
Hope is without a doubt my ideal wife. I mean if she was a human and not a dog and not 6 years old. But if she was a human and of age, she has all the qualities I am looking for in a wife. She has soft hair and an unbelievable personality.
THE ONLY TITANFALL GUIDE YOU'LL ENEVER NEED!!! FOR XBOX PC XBOX PC ONE
A Microsoft Titanfall EA Titanfall guide... THE ONLY Last guide You'll ever need! Strategy! DLC! MS Points! EA! FPS! Ozone! VSTs! FPS!
Guy Writing Walking Dead Episode Recaps Super Glad True Detective Is Over
Only three episodes left until the big finale of this show! The finale you have all been waiting for to season 4. Or was it season 5?
Let's Get Way More Specific With Our Lists of the Top Rich People
Top 10 Billionaires in the World? Most Powerful People in Tech? We've seen lists just like these for decades now. Recent features like Best Billionaires Under 40 have attempted to shake things up by getting more specific, but they need to go even further.
I Cannot Continue to Review Mobile Games for a Network Funded by Vladimir Putin
RT mobile games reviewer Jeff Glukhov quits RT after being forced to give pro-Russian reviews to various iPhone and Android games.
Grandmas at Large
Be on the lookout for these armed and dangerous oldsters.
Stop Hating on Winter
Instead of complaining about the cold, ask yourself where Spring has been all this time.
H.P. Lovecraft Describes the Unspeakable Things He Witnessed in the Star Wars Films (Part 26)
H.P. Lovecraft is subjected to all six Star Wars movies and tries to put into words the horrors he witnessed.
Was the Narration in Blade Runner Really That Bad?
"Hi there, folks. Rick Deckard here. I am a Blade Runner. You know, sometimes I get to thinking and I wonder if maybe I myself am an android. Weird, right? Wouldn't that be something?"
THE JERK STORE CALLED
The Jerk Store called and just read off a list of jokes without pausing for me to say anything.
College: Dreams Come Here to Die
The walls of my dorm are covered with supermodel posters. Today I tore one down looking for an electrical outlet and saw the words "HELP ME" written repeatedly on the wall in a mix of blood and hair gel, but then the poster re-affixed itself to the wall like a rapidly healing wound.
Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Reviews: February’s Sour Sips (Part 8)
Your typical wall-mount unit, run through hell. Homeless people often use this fountain to bathe, and as such, there can be a long wait and lots of naked men with visible sores. I was patient and waited over an hour for my turn, and it was not worth the time. Water ran rusty, weak flow, and missing a push button.
MtGox's 750,000 Stolen Bitcoins Have Been Located
Whew! The 750,000 missing bitcoins have been found!
You Would Be Perfect for an Internship at My Hamburger Firm
Are you another millenial waiting around for the world to hand you your future? Accept one of our unpaid internships and make a future with your hamburger career.
In Defense of "In Defense of" Articles
You launch yourself at the archive of "In Defense of" articles and I expertly step into your path. My hands are behind my back, my very powerful body assuming a non-threatening posture.
My Greatest Joy is Karing for the Babies Kreated in My Fighting Tournament
Outworld emperor Shao Kahn experiences the most difficult and most rewarding kombat of all: fatherhood.
25 Other Incorrect Assumptions from Americans
The many facts Americans get wrong every minute of their stupid, stupid lives.
A Few Important Words From Spring Cleaning Bear
(Knocks over a can of garbage. Snuffles through the scattered debris. Gingerly licks crumbs and sticky patches of blueberry from a muffin wrapper while panting greedily, the heavy breaths flapping wavy ripples along her lips. Turns to the camera.)
NBC Olympic Coverage Power Ranking
What's trending in NBC's cutting edge coverage of the 2014 Olympics
Rust Cohle, Guidance Counselor
True Detective's nihilist philosopher cop explores his alternate career options as a school guidance counselor. Not that we can change what's gonna be.
Making the Perfect Cup of Coffee
The perfect cup of coffee is nearly as elusive as a good metaphor. Some people have spent their whole lives in the pursuit of perfect coffee and died without having known its taste upon their lips. That sounded like a bad idea, so I decided to try for around a month and succeed instead.
This Was All According To My Plan
You think I don't want to be here? I have meticulously planned events to be exactly here. You have lost, you just don't know it yet.
SpectreOfSpace's Homestuck Tumblr (Excerpts)
I read the homestuck comic, I read all the updates, I read the whole thing multiple times and I love it. I love to read it in a different art style, where the characters get copy pasted and edited slightly like it's a pokemon romhack, and the writing is mad libs but randomer and more ftw. Basically whatever this is is my shit, so, uh, yeah. reblog.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Yeti Tree Hugger (Part 29)
Terrible. Just terrible. My neighbor installed one of these and I hate it. It gives me the willies every time I look outside, like some kind of nosy minority staring at me. I give both this product and my ethnic neighbor 1 star.
Subj: MY LUCKY BEANS AND THE HORSE (Part 71)
The story of me and the neighborhood horse as well as my famous Lucky Beans and the Horse Dance.
William Gibson Describes the Attractions at Colonial Williamsburg (Part 25)
The father of cyberpunk, William Gibson, is plugged into the marketing for Colonial Williamsburg.
Sonic's Scarf Changes Everything
The scarf represents rugged charm. Sonic with a scarf can open a treasure. He can tumble down a hill. He can look at a map. He can point at a goat or practically any object.
11 Weirdest Totally True Sochi Hotel Experiences
Reporters arriving in Sochi have been faced with an ordeal of unfinished hotels, weird bathrooms, and lots of funny signs. Luckily, they're tweeting about it!
Greetings, America's Funniest Home Videos Screeners
Behind-the-scenes of your number one source for people-falling-into-cakes footage.
UnlimitedTerry Presents: Gamer Paste!
Gamer Paste is meant as a total food and water replacement that can be eaten extremely quickly between respawns. It goes down easy and digests quickly and reinvigorates your body with all the energies and fuel you'll need! I'm releasing three flavors, Burger, Corn, and Mega Corn, with many more to come, including Extreme Cumin and KC Masterpiece.
These Yoga Pants Look Really Good
Yoga pants on butts. Yoga pants above our cities. In our garages. We need them, but what if they don't need us?
Peculiar Panels: The Senses-Shattering Second Issue (Part 2)
What is WHRRRRR? What does it have to do with TOOT, if anything? Plus: Someone WILL die in this issue!
Hunter S. Thompson Recaps Last Night's Episode of Big Bang Theory (Part 24)
Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson gets down in the trenches and gives an episode recap of last night's Big Bang Theory.
F for Friendetta
Scott said that he loved me but only as a friend, not a best friend like I wanted him to be. Since then our lunches have been awkward; the last time, when he vomited from Burger Hub's cadmium-tainted glasses, we just silently watched his vomit dry for 20 minutes.
An Open Letter to My Kickstarter Backers
Thank you for your amazing support. I can't tell you how awesome it was to see others believing in me. Not only did we prove crowdfunding is the future by smashing past our funding goal, we proved original, thoughtful ideas win out over the same mindless tripe served up everywhere else.
Hey 2014, Here Is A Good List Of People To Follow On Twitter
Everyone and their dang grandparents have a Twitter list, so I got my grandpa to make one, too.
VFX Animator Broke Down and Cried Over "Hobbit" Green Screens
Ian McKellen's green screen breakdown was nothing compared to a Weta animator forced to scale hobbits for hundreds of hours.
The New RoboCop's 30 Prime Directives
The original RoboCop was programmed to abide by four prime directives. That was in 1987's near future. Our near future is far more complicated thanks to advancements such as computers and rap music. As a result the new RoboCop needs no less than thirty prime directives to be an effective robot cop.
Sing Pappy's Sorrow: I Fear de Swagga Gwon Amok wit de Bebe (Part 3)
Justin Bieber's Sing Pappy, Buddy Breaux, has heard about Bieber's arrest and sends his concern and advice to Monsieur Usher.
Now You Can Work from Anywhere
Who needs free will Now (that) You Can Work from Anywhere?
The Farcical Fables of Groggery Gibbonman (Part 11)
‘Absurd!’ scoffed the pterodactyls. ‘We are faster than the frogs, by any measure!’ But the pterodactyls were honorable sportsmen, and they believed themselves bound to oblige a fair challenge. When the day of the race came, the pterodactyls and frogs gathered at the starting line, each side sure of victory. The flag was raised, and off they went!
Choose Your Own Humanities Career
Finding a job with a humanities degree? Prepare yourself for the hardest journey of them all!
Edgar Allan Poe is Hired to Sell Sleep Number Beds (Part 23)
Celebrate Poe's belated birthday with a spine-supporting tale of the macabre, sponsored by Sleep Number Beds.
Peculiar Panels (Part 1)
The goons in Batman's Shameful Secret have been posting funny comic book panels for years. In this new sporadically updated series we'll spotlight their most outlandish and puzzling contributions.
Arming Gun Control Advocates is the Only Way They Will Achieve Their Goals
Only one thing can budge the intractable argument of gun control: more guns. Lots and lots more.
Teen Orc: A Retrospective
The actor who plays Teen Orc, Darryl Grungus, has never starred in another TV show or film because of his iconic association with the role, as well as the fact that he looks like an orc.
Anime Mine (Part 9)
I had a dream, Jerry. This isn't like all the other dreams about you I've spent hours discussing with my therapist. This one told me it was time to break the silence and finally extend an olive branch. I've hurt you enough. You need me to be your step-brother again
Devil's Manor: The Pleasure Hunters and Viewer Mail
A tale of two pleasure hunters, and we answer some viewer mail.
The E! Network's Outrageous Golden Globes "FUN FACTS"
E! Network used the Golden Globes to remind us all about our slowly decaying bodies. Luckily, they also offered a solution.
Adventurer, That Sword Is None Other Than The Legendary Badsmiter
Its blade was formed from the purest Elven moonsilver, for that was known by all to be the lightest and most durable of all the metals in the realm, and because ingots were on sale in a buy two get one free special.
Frank Herbert Reviews Craft Beers for His Brew Blog (Part 21)
Frank Hebert believes that he who reviews the beer controls the universe. Luckily, he has a blog to do exactly that.
4 Consumables That Are Secretly Killing You
Dieting trends change by the minute, and today's juice fast can quickly transform into tomorrow's multiple heart attack and disrespectful roadside ditch burial. But while fads come and go, some things never change: namely, the so-called "staple foods" quickly sending you to an early and oversized grave.
Next Season On Top Chef
When you simply do your job, the level of artistry on display is so impressive that our audience would like nothing more than to watch you prepare a single, thoughtful dish. For your first challenge you will be cooking a vat of sloppy joes for a buffet line of three hundred people.
I need Tauntaun guts.
If this polar vortex means Hoth-like temperatures, then I deserve Hoth-like amenities.
Dr. Dolittle Confronts the Constant Existential Horror of Being an Animal
Dr. Dolittle quickly tired of speaking to animals. It was always such a big downer.
I Have Embraced My Hideous Body, And You Should Too
My thick leg hair was once a source of tremendous shame. Now look at all of these trophies.
Developer Quotes From Steam Early Access Games
Find out what the developers of some of the hottest upcoming Steam games are saying to get you to buy into early access.
Notes from the Opposite Side of the Room My Coworkers Are On
Years of listening to my coworkers' stories about their weekends have given me the ability to see them as high-def 3D movies, more real than my own life. I walk into a coworker's campsite, her tent a skyward arrow indicating the course of her future.
REAMS OF DOGS (Part 22)
URGENT PROCLAMATION: Let it be known I have cut all ties with my former mastiff companion, Arsenio. He has wronged me and will henceforth wander the streets a vagrant. Do not aid or comfort him. He is cast out from the kingdom of man. 555-9123
