A Beginner's Guide To DOTA 2
The tower is death. The tower is divine retribution for all of the mistakes you've made in your life, from thinking it would be cool wear a scorpion jacket like Ryan Gosling's character in Drive to thinking it would be a good idea to go near the tower.
North Korea Vows to Increase Its Levels of Insanity
Kim Jong Un moves to consolidate his support in North Korea by announcing a new Five-Year Plan.
15 Helpful Tips for Avoiding the Homosexual Plague
The esteemed Dr. Paul gives advice on how to avoid the most debilitating of deserved diseases.
Skymall Product Reviews: Cobra Walking Stick (Part 2)
It's just lovely, and the design goes great with most of my shorts and vests. Cobra walking sticks are great conversation starters and women are very attracted to the men who utilize them.
Family Memo RE: Holiday Sullenness, Ingratitude
As the primary executive of this family, it is my duty to keep abreast of the morale of its constituents. Your attitudes of sullenness and ingratitude did not escape my notice; to clear up any dissatisfaction with my execution of the holiday, allow me to compile all available data and provide an objective assessment of all gifts given/received.
You Have 24-hours to Correct Your Mistake, Santa
A child demands Santa Claus correct his failures.
Pinterest's Last Minute Christmas Crafts
You’ve got a hangover, three dollars, and fifteen minutes to get to grandma’s. Need gifts in a hurry? No problem. It’s craft time.
The Big Book Of Fantasy Novel Food Descriptions
Do you love the fantasy genre? Are you tired of laboring through hundreds of pages of world building and plot to get to your favorite parts, where characters eat, or think about eating, or look at food? Do you ever wish you could get right to the good stuff?
The 50 Kmart Layaway Items Most Likely to Be Paid Off By Good Samaritans
Find out what all those "Layaway Santas" have been buying for people at Kmart.
Sneak Preview: Modern Warfare 3 Upcoming DLC
An exclusive look at the new maps, skills, and features in Modern Warfare 3's upcoming DLC!
Memos from Bear Cave: The Good Son (Part 11)
I want to hear the sounds of soup being made, not whimpering from cooing mothers and dopey pencil-necked do-gooders. I pride myself on running the toughest soup business in the country, and the record number of workplace suicides here reinforces my position as THE CRUELEST MAN IN SOUP.
Subj: CHRISTMAS TIDINGS UPON YOU AND YOURS!!!! (Part 53)
I have a lucrative job helping old people with very little bird duty!!!!
Dear Leader Perishes in Act of Heroism
Kim Jong Il is dead. A mourning nation bids farewell to Dear Leader.
Ultra Stats Baseball Cards Might Have Too Many Stats
Favorite Italian Power Ranger - Giancarlo (the orange Ranger)
Insufferable Piece of Crap Will Be Dearly Missed
Remembering Christopher Hitchens as a one-of-a-kind bastard.
The Teens Call it Klooting
The teens call it klooting. We call it "bad news." All over the country. In your homes and backyards. Klooting has increased at an unprecedented rate. And your children could be at risk. Does your teen show any "trouble signs?"
More Skyrim Classifieds (Part 6)
FREE COLLEGE DEGREE - The College of Winterhold is accepting new students for its famous magic program. Interested candidates should simply show up and receive free room and board and education. We’re so eager to start blasting magic all over the place that we won’t even bother asking your name.
Organizations Endorsing Ron Paul
In addition to glowing endorsements from individuals like KRS One, Chuck Norris and Prodigy from Mobb Deep, Ron Paul proudly welcomes the support of hundreds of grassroots political organizations. Here is a full list of groups supporting Ron Paul's 2012 presidential campaign.
Hey, Pitbull, Your Planet Sucks
We live on a planet where Pitbull wants to sell us things. Can we leave it?
We Shall Rebuild This Country One Cheeto at a Time!
When was the last time you cool ranched? Do you still have what it takes to be nacho cheesier?
Enjoy My Very Funny And Touching Sports Insight
Sometimes I am serious. You can tell it's a time when I'm serious when I speak like I'm begging a baby not to wake up, and because I concentrate real hard to make my self-satisfied grin go away so my face can look concerned.
Welcome to the HTML Writers Guild
You have forsaken all other beliefs. Kneel and accept the sacrament of the HTML Writers Guild.
Failed Young Adult Books (Part 4)
Perhaps it was just ahead of its time, given the current popularity of literary/historical mash-ups like ‘Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,’ but in 1958 readers did not know what to make of ‘The Diary of Anne Frankenstein,’ a high-concept, macabre and slightly whimsical faux sequel in which Anne's father revives her with the help of a mad scientist.
Season's Greetings from the Bradford Exchange (Part 20)
Holiday shopping is getting bloodier every year. Old people get trampled, eyeballs get blasted with spicy pepper spray and humans descend to the level of savage beasts fighting for scraps of meat from a rotting corpse. It's a hunt as uncivilized as anything that happens in the wild. Thankfully, there's an easy way to avoid the holiday bloodshed.
Merry Christmas, Internet: Scott Bakula Backgrounds
You've been pretty good this year, so you're getting your gift early: Hundreds upon hundreds of lovingly-constructed collages of Television's Scott Bakula.
Siri's Last Words With the Narrator
Siri finds herself out of her depth when helping an iPhone owner.
Thomas Edison, Inventor Of Jerkicity
When you think of Edison - as you so often do - you probably picture a smart, industrious guy that invented a bunch of stuff. That's all true, but every now and then you might also be reminded of how much of a colossal jerk he was.
The Lexus December to Remember We're Poor and Miserable
This Holiday, make it a December to Remember just how much you hate Lexus.
A Nation Suffers Outrage Fatigue
How can you upset a populace that's already witnessed the nadir of politics?
Skyrim Classified Ads (Part 5)
ATTN: Dark Brotherhood. Just got new hardwood flooring installed that I don’t want to bloody up performing the Black Sacrament. Anyways, could you kill the Dragonborn? He put a pot on my head and stole all my cabbages that I was saving up for a big feast.
Special Move List: Hurtwell
Learn every attack, taunt, counter and ultra finisher for HURTWELL and fully master your champion fighting technique!
Hot Cyber Monday Savings
We've shopped so you don't have to and lined up all the best deals available this Cyber Monday.
Welcome to Your First Apartment: Kitchen
Welcome. Like first amputation, first public flogging, you never forget first apartment. So much excitement. So much mold.
Useless Treasure Hunting Equipment
There's nothing more comfortable than a dry pair of pants. Here's a moist pair of pants.
In Our Hubris, We Gave Them the Thundershirt
The scientists never paused to consider the consequences of their discoveries.
Character Bio Assignment: Professor Bittle
General Appearance: Looks like the witch from Legend. I know that’s telling not showing, so here’s a 1,000-word description, in the form of a picture.
The Magnificence of P. B. Fouke Remains Resolute (Part 24)
Readers, I come to you with a sense of renewed urgency. Each and every word you see before you carries with it tremendous weight, for not since the Good Book has the written word been given such a grand and glorious thing to communicate. I, Philip Bond Fouke III, am a man reborn.
Open Source Superhero: Battle-Cry
A cool resource online lets us contribute to the lore of a new superhero!
100 Words or Phrases Whitelisted By Pakistan
You may have heard of the 1,700 words and phrases Pakistan banned from text messages, but have you heard of the 100 they whitelisted?
Prophets Of The First Internet Age
When a cult seeks knowledge from the ruins of their abandoned home world, they turn toward the first decades of the internet and the words of the person with the most forum posts.
Update On Your Dead Pharaoh Son's Military Funeral
A fallen Marine checked "Pharaoh of Osiris" on his religious denomination form when he deployed to Afghanistan.
Video Game Box Art Stars: Where Are They Now?
Learn the actual real true story of the models on the box of the NES game, Anticipation.
Society of Amateur Time Travelers Historical Updates for 16 November (Part 1)
Our mission is to study the past and future firsthand, to watch the great events of time as they unfold before our eyes. We strive not only to observe history in the making, but to right any wrongs that transcend the boundaries of time, and of course those perpetrated by nefarious rival time travelers.
Innovative is the Cruelty of J.F. Swanton (Part 23)
Though the Waccamaw Eyebleed could coax such suffering from an elk that it would beg for its life IN ENGLISH-- this has been verified by seven major university studies-- no trap I designed could match the cruelty of my own heart. Until today!
Somebody Has to Stop Adam Sandler
We look back almost-fondly on Little Nicky and wonder what offices need to be raided to cut off Adam Sandler's financial backers.
Before the Carrier Classic
The Carrier Classic, a basketball game played on the USS Carl Vinson Aircraft Carrier occurred on Friday. Magic Johnson, the President, camouflage jerseys. It was a wonderful way to honor the troops. But, believe it or not, the Carrier Classic is not the first time schools and military teamed for a glorious show of awkward patriotism.
A Timeline Of The Penn State Self-Implosion
ESPN informs us that some of the victims will "probably" remember their sexual abuse for the rest of their lives. Probably. Some people are good at remembering stuff and some people aren't. This is one of those things that might be important enough to stick around in your head longer than a few hours. Then again, it might not. Fascinating!
Updated USDA Acceptable Contamination Guidelines
Every year the USDA revises its list of permissible food contaminants. Please read carefully and enjoy your burger.
NaNoWriMo Writing Tips!
It’s that time of year again, when the brilliant, unheard literary voices of our time shout to the heavens ‘This is me, world! Peer inside my soul!’ That’s right, it’s National Novel Writing Month! A whole novel in JUST ONE MONTH?! And a week has already passed! Don’t worry, you can still make it with hard work, a little luck and these tips!
Dear Mr. Mayor: Clean Up the Death Fog (Part 4)
Mr. Mayor, have you noticed the horrible fog outside enveloping the entire town? You know, the fog that’s as thick as soup and hard to walk around in and the one with the primordial monsters that appear out of nowhere to grab people away? I have, and I don’t care for it one bit.
Flash Review: Modern Warfare 3
We got our hands on the most anticipated game of the year!
I'm Begging You, World, Shut Up About Angry Birds
In a sane world Angry Birds would be long forgotten. Guess which world we live in.
Pivotal Moments In Monster Truck History
After debate, compromise, and collaboration with its fellow representatives, Grave Digger signs the Constitution. To celebrate the occasion, it drives backwards and forwards over a row of drably colored British Cadillacs and Impalas.
I'm Afraid of Ensenda
For the past year or so Amazon has been utilizing Ensenda for shipping. And nobody knows anything about it.
Our Child Mayor Must Be Stopped
What if a kid was also a mayor? Read this article, or wait for the heartwarming Disney adaptation 9 months from now.
William Bruggard for Shaggy Butte Dog Catcher
Our town faces a threat unlike any other: Thousands of feral dogs, some rabid, roaming the streets. That's why I am running for the office of Dog Catcher. I vow to clean up the canine menace and restore dignity to this town, so that our children and seniors can frolic free, without fear of being bitten or urinated upon by an untrained dog.
Shaggy Butte Sandwich Surplus - November Menu
We provide the highest-quality sandwiches at the lowest cost! Lost & found sandwiches, IRS seizure and police auction sandwiches! Name-brand sandwiches below wholesale! Like-new sandwiches for used sandwich prices!
Euphemisms: "Eating"
Over two-dozen euphemisms for eating to enhance your communication.
Sexual Health Promises by Republican Candidates
As the Republican race gets heated up and a little frisky, each candidate envisions their morality ensuring, fun crushing utopia a little different.
I Will Survive In The Wilderness With Nothing But Video Game Collector's Editions
I don't plan on being attacked, as nothing can possibly see me if I crouch and keep a distance of at least ten feet. If I'm in the wild for a prolonged period, however, I will need to hunt for food. With a full quiver of Lord Of Rings War In The North arrows, I should be able to take down a lion of a decent enough size to keep me fed for weeks.
OCCUPY MYPOS!
Balki Bartokomous advocates on behalf of the 99% on Mypos.
Monstergeddon 2011 Results! (Part 4)
Players’ Choice Best Kill Award: Your votes have been tallied and you overwhelmingly selected Howard the Wolf Man for his killing of Masked Slasher. But Howard cannot be awarded for killing another player. This is the most basic Monstergeddon rule! Thus the award goes to our runner-up, the FunTown Phantom, for turning a security guard inside out.
You're the Man for the Job
Welcome to my office, son. Ol' Jeb said you popped out of one of them old-timey stasis pods that emerged from the burning scrap heap. Said he nearly died rescuing you from those bandits out there. You're lucky to be alive, that's for damn sure.
#bdsmdungeon IRC Meeting, October 2003
*** BaseballTrivia asks 'are we ready to begin?'
Beating a Man in a Trash Bag and Other True Stories of Fetlife.com
Celebrate the Hallowdays with a collection of creepy-crawly fetishes. You will learn things you cannot unlearn. Not for the squeamish.
Breakdown: What Does Occupy Wall Street Want?
What do the protesters of Occupy Wall Street want?
Plays Within Plays
Getting the facts wrong is more helpful in an investigation than you'd think. Many a case has been solved at the outset by reading everything I had written about a suspect aloud, letting them correct me on every detail, including the line that said "did not commit the murder".
We Shouldn't Have Bought A Zoo
We just bought a zoo. WE JUST BOUGHT A ZOO. Nooooo why did we buy a zoo?! This is the worst anything ever. Why did you let me do this?
62 Intolerable Years of Beetle Bailey
Holy Christ, I can't believe this. 62 Years of Beetle Bailey. 62 Intolerable Years of Beetle Bailey. All in one book.
Dear Mr. Mayor: Get Rid of the Monolith (Part 3)
Dear Mr. Mayor, I am a deeply spiritual person with a strong devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ. That monolith challenges what I know and believe in my heart, so I am asking your permission to shoot the monolith and shoot it dead. I have a gun, I have good aim, and I am a firm believer.
KRUT-5 News: A Dangerous New Trend in Teen Bullying
KRUT-5 News investigates the devastating effects of a new teen bullying sensation that could kill your child: the thing where someone crouches behind someone and then another person pushes the person over the crouched person.
Hilary Swank, Why You Don't Like My Birthday Party?
Hilary Swank has apologized for attending the birthday of a brutal Chechen war criminal. Now it's his turn to reply.
Tim Allen has Returned
Grunt, brothers. Grunt. It is time for the barbwire fence between genders to be rebuilt, and we have the perfect Tool Man to help.
Roger Ebert's Caption Crusade
Roger Ebert is a tremendously smart and talented man, capable of expressing tremendous insight with an easygoing writing style. Which makes his terrible New Yorker comic captions all the more puzzling.
The Guy Who Threw a Hot Dog at Tiger Woods Had It Right
A hot dog hurler is inspired by Hollywood and we are humbled by the hurler.
The Figure in the Fireplace (Part 6)
Of the many ghost stories penned by Groggery Gibbonman, surely none were better received than 'The Figure in the Fireplace,' a chilling verse first published in serialized form on the back of 'Sergio Cal’s Mystic Pastes of the Far East.' The hocus-pocus medicines ultimately proved unpopular due to radiation poisoning, but the hallowed rime remains!
Skymall Product Reviews: Largest Crossword Puzzle (Part 1)
My wife and children seem like a distant memory now that I have this wonderful crossword puzzle. I dread its completion, yet yearn to make it happen as soon as humanly possible. This must be how the male praying mantis feels.
Smash Mouth Eats Eggs
Smash Mouth did it. They ate some eggs!
Occupy Wall Street Spreads
We check in with various occupy offshoot protests throughout the United States.
How Arrested Development Could Go Terribly Wrong
Two words: Laugh track. Three more words: Two laugh tracks. Combine them and you get: Three concurrent laugh tracks.
I Don't Have to Justify This Shredded Wonderland to You
Cenegenics has done wonderful things for an elderly grandpa. He doesn't care how much his new body scares his grandson.
Are You Ready for Some Analogieeeees!?
Hank Williams Jr.’s reworking of “All My Rowdy Friends” is perhaps the ultimate sports anthem; in fact, the only thing missing from this perfect summation of the prime-time, middle American football-watching experience is a woman crying hysterically in the background.
Letters to a Girl
My new plan is to beg for sex. I'll stand on a corner with a sign saying 'Free Handjobs' and when people ask if I'm giving free handjobs I'll say no, I'm soliciting them.
The Friend
On Wednesday, The Friend-- the mysterious local curiosity that has killed hundreds of locals over the last half century-- shuffled into Eureka for what some fear could be its final appearance.
Rick Perry is in All Sorts of N-word Trouble
Gov. Rick Perry is in a lot of trouble over the naming of a family ranch. How bad will you miss him if he goes?
Available Treatments Offered at Campus Health Center
As the primary caregiver within the university, you are responsible for helping thousands of students throughout the school year. To streamline the process and allow you to assist as many students as possible, here is a list of all ailments and corresponding treatments you are to encounter.
Diablo III Beta Impressions
Blizzard rarely makes mistakes, which made it all the more surprising when they invited me to join the press beta for Diablo III.
Another Anime Relationship Fails
He tried to make it work. His mistake was letting her go. Outside the apartment.
Golan Wants Females! (Part 5)
Yes, my mighty phallus has talons. But they are retractable, and I will not loose them. I know you have no interest in being gorily tattered during your passions (though I promise you the ecstasy is quite terrible). No, I will not rip your head off during sex. I don’t need to indulge this fetish to reach climax. Nothing can stop my fearsome climax!
OLDWALLET.COM: Senior Values (Part 7)
Gladys Troutdale over on 55 Green has cultivated quite a garden. She's sitting on a ridiculous amount of food when you consider she's an old lady with no children and zero hope of ever finding a man. It's a shame to see all that fine vegetation going to waste on someone who is going to die soon, so you can follow my lead and help yourself.
Internet Person: You Are Cordially Invited
California readers -- Come watch the band Smash Mouth eat eggs because of Something Awful!
Wolf Blitzer's Actual Tweets
CNN anchor and Situationist Wolf Blitzer tweets things and we keep them.
Misinformed Tech News Roundup
My sources have confirmed that the iPhone 5 is on the way, and that it will have a little face with pudgy cheeks that you can pinch. Everyone's favorite device is now cuter, and it has a tiny button nose that wiggles. Future revisions may include big blue eyes that sparkle and wink.
I Have Every Right to Include Religion in My Geometry Classroom
Dave McBride has been disrespected by the faculty at Dylan Public Schools and he is not going to take it anymore.
Why Are You Sleeping with the Man from the Halloween Store?
17% of all marriages fail because of Halloween-related adultery. Find out if you're at risk.
Canine 1.1 Patch Notes
-Fixed a bug that would cause floppy ears to flip over the wrong way, requiring an operator to reset them to their default position.
The Aspergerian's Guide to Interpreting Facial Expressions
Many people on the autism spectrum have a difficult time recognizing and responding appropriately to the facial expressions of others. This can result in misunderstandings, unintended offense and many other undesirable social situations. Something Awful is here to help.
Updates to Your Netflix Subscription
Netflix is announcing some important changes to your account.
Look but don't touch my tongue rings.
Sure, you’re getting some college degree, but why don’t you turn up the Lawrence Welk and learn about the day I got four tongue rings.
In The Grim Future Of Terminator 2, There Are No Google Maps
Susan and I plan on groaning on the floor of the cave all morning, our gaunt faces blank, the detached expressions of those who with little time left and less to live for. We'll try to get out of here early, swing by the supply shack to pick up some party hats and punch (do you need punch?) and arrive a little early to help you set up.
The 50 Greatest Video Game Characters of All Time
Something Awful brings you another installment of our reader-picked list of great video game characters. Expect to see some familiar faces and some surprising newcomers.
Boss Is Big Time Menace (Part 1)
First day Subway. Boss is fat with face like bat wing.
Remembering 9/11 with the Bradford Exchange (Part 19)
The date was September 11, 2001. Jennifer Lopez was heating up the music charts, The Musketeer was number one at the box office, and homicidal religious fanatics were flying planes into skyscrapers. Needless to say, things were crazy.
Subj: RATSPLUS ENHANCED (Part 52)
This Social Rat business is about to get off the ground, starring me and the rats!
"Populous 4: The Hand" Details Leak from Swedish Gaming Magazine
Exclusive, leaked details on the upcoming EA release of Populous 4: The Hand, a AAA first-person shooter from Bullfrog.
Thank You for Applying to be a Character in Our RPG!
A questionnaire to determine which RPG video game character you are best suited to be.
Psychoanalysis In The Mushroom Kingdom
Luigi is an all around good guy that has lived through some heavy shit. He is world weary and alone. He braves haunted mansions while hating himself for being too weak to confront his own personal ghosts. Rather than supporting his brother from a healthy distance, Luigi shadows Mario and lives vicariously through his failures and victories.
Ultimate Conspiracy: You Died on 9/11 and This is Your Death Journey
If Tower 7 falls and no one is there to hear it how can we be sure it really fell at all? What are they trying to keep from us?
Dear President Oboe III
A concerned citizen reaches out to our nation's leader for a third time.
Kennel Fair Dog Pageant: Acceptance Letter (Part 8)
Delivering bad news is a difficult but necessary part of my job. For every one exceptional dog present at our Kennel Fair Dog Pageants, we easily see one hundred dogs unworthy of advancing to the semifinals. Indeed, many of these dogs are not even worthy to continue living.
If It's Not Too Late, I'd Still Like That E-Hug
You emailed me offering an e-hug. I never replied because I've never been e-hugged by a man and I was worried I'd enjoy it a little too much, meaning I'd get addicted to male e-hugs and would spend the rest of my life in chatrooms cybering for them.
The Pound Puppies Aren't Real, but I Am, Mom
A Pound Puppies fan contends with the destruction of his original artwork and the casual bigotry of his stepfather.
I'm your new dorm roommate and I already hate you.
I didn't bring my copper stealing gear and feral rottweiler here so that some mildly autistic turd like you could claim bottom bunk.
The New Superman Movie Is Weird
This time around Robocop is just another cop, but he's evil. We have Peter Weller reprising his role, puppeteered by Lance Henriksen and voiced by James Woods.
The Plans to Save America
The great patriot brain trust in Washington D.C. is squaring off for a battle of ideas over who has the better plan for America's economy.
Bookworld with Brendle: George R.R. Martin's "A Guild of Men" (Part 2)
With all the well-deserved buzz surrounding HBO's ‘Games of the Throne,’ it's no surprise that everyone is very excited about author George R.R. Martin's announcement of his next novel, ‘A Guild of Men.’ Abandoning the oft-criticized waits between books, Martin is kicking it into overdrive, with ‘A Guild of Men’ expected in summer of 2021.
Sacrifices Must Be Made
As many of you know, the economy has not been performing very well over these past couple of years. First of all: Sorry about that. True, it's been recovering in some areas, but the unemployment rate is still high, and a lot of average folks are poorer than ever.
The 6,000 Bugs of Firefox
Former Firefox Community Lead claims the browser has over 6,000 standing unconfirmed bugs!
UNIVERSITY! (Part 3)
Get education from Internet? Is possible. Get education from Hyurgi Tigerwoods? THE DREAM IS TRUE!
Deus Ex: Human Revolution
An automated turret sits at the end of a hallway that you really want to explore. There's a ladies' bathroom, a computer full of emails just begging to be snooped through, and several dozen future candy bars and future beers strewn about on someone's office floor.
A Letter to the Commander of the Death's Head Regiment, Regarding My Peanut Allergies
A newly-minted officer arriving in a front line unit confronts his commander over lax peanut allergy safety.
Notes on Our Upcoming School Shooting
Just wanted to touch base with you re: next week's shooting. I've been crunching the numbers over here and feel we really need to synergize in order to come up with an effective game plan.
Texts from the Gathering of the Juggalos
My former friend and fellow SA writer David Thorpe spent several months convincing me to join him in attending the Gathering of the Juggalos. Unfortunately for me, David Thorpe had been working the long con, and had no intention of ever going. I spent the entire event looking for him, and ended up missing most of the festivities.
The Secret Evidence Against the West Memphis Three
Many believe that the West Memphis Three were convicted based on misleading evidence and small-town prejudices. However, the prosecutors in the case still maintain a genuine belief that the three men are guilty. Now, thanks to extensive investigation we know why: the West Memphis prosecutors were sitting on a mountain of additional evidence.
The Semiotics of Ice-T
Decipher the many meanings of Ice-T's long career as a professional pimp, rapper and actor.
Top Picks of 2011 MBA Draft
The 2011 Master Degree in Business Administration Draft is over. Here's this year's top picks.
All's Well That Yells Well
Hey it's your neighbor! We've never actually spoken to one another, but of all the words that have violated your tender earholes throughout your entire life, more have originated from my bleating mouth than from all of your loved ones combined! Do you know why! Because I am constantly screaming!
Oh My God, New Conan Movie Opens Friday!!
Michele Bachmann's therapist husband discusses his excitement over the newly-released Conan the Barbarian movie.
Everyday Horror Stories
The Wolf Man seals the entrances to his heart one by one until Frankenstein is a broken skeleton.
Something Awful (and Rifftrax): in movie theaters TODAY!
Today, Wednesday, August the 17th at 7:00 PM CST, Something Awful will appear in hundreds of movie theaters across America! Soon you will be able to watch two of our unreleased, animated shorts on the exact same movie screens previously used to show legitimately entertaining, professional films!
IRC Funeral: AnalDawg (1983-2011)
Rest in peace, Beloved IRC Pleasure Warrior and Great Friend
British PM David Cameron Analyzes the Downfall of Civilizations Throughout History
British Prime Minister David Cameron, an apparent expert on uprisings, describes how past civilizations succumbed to moral decay.
Prodigy Presents: Version 82.2!
We now support high resolution monitors thanks to Stretch Mode. Enjoy Prodigy in HD with the licensed 8X Super Eagle filter! Also available: Gaussian Blur.
MY WEBSITE IS DOWN ---- WHY?????
Tom Towler is just a small business owner trying to get by when his website is unfairly taken down by his web host. This is the story of his fight for justice.
The Wit and Wisdom of Helen
Lawrence, Kansas native Helen Boczek has accumulated many musings during her 73 years on Earth. Here are some of them.
Celebrity Stalker: Spicy Summer Spots (Part 13)
Saw Gary Busey in the park cutting off his sleeves with gardening shears. Looked like he nicked an artery, but kept going and just licked all the blood up. Total commitment to summer.
Cloyd is America
An anthology of Facebook posts by a man named Cloyd, a small-town gentleman who represents the soul of our nation. Could Cloyd be the greatest living American? Find out within.
The Steampunk Motivational Speaker: Teamwork
Mr. Owlright, the mechamotivationalist, travels to Abilene, Texas, to give a talk on teamwork.
State Fair Scavenger Hunt
Suffer the heat and BO to win this year’s scavenger hunt. If you’ve ever wondered where the world’s Wheel of Fortune fans let loose or desired to see a live episode of Maury unfold before your very eyes, then go. Bring your camera, this list, and your sense of adventure and see how much you see.
What To Do When Your Arm Is Stuck In A Vending Machine
Step One: Empty your bladder in a wide arc. The pungent scent of your urine will keep predators at bay. When night falls, it will also glow, providing a much-needed source of light.
Itemized Statement of Charges to the Gingrich 2012 Campaign Credit Card
The Newt Gingrich 2012 Presidential Campaign receives its campaign credit card statement.
Demon's Ex
‘I suspect your girlfriend Lindsey is Gremory, a Christian demon,’ Justin said. ‘He appears as a beautiful woman riding a camel.’ ‘Oh, Gremory.’ Brad sighed. ‘Yeah, she probably is.’ ‘Seriously,’ Justin insisted. ‘Lindsey's seductive, right?’ Brad shrugged. ‘I wouldn't call her seductive. Cute maybe.’ ‘And she rides a camel, right?’ ‘I think once.’
My Horse Left Me
Excuse me, y'all. Excuse me. Can I have yer attention for a spell? Y'all can holster them guns, pardners. I mean no disrespect and no quarrel here. You see I done lost my horse and am, as you can imagine, quite despondent.
Smash Mouth Egg Update
A lot has happened. Most importantly: Smash Mouth has agreed to eat the eggs! I'm serious! Also something about Guy Fieri and George Lopez.
The Battleship Movie is an Indictment of Western Civilization
In a year marked with cultural tombstones, none stands quite so ominous as the Battleship board game to movie adaptation.
Memoirs Of Doom Guy
My minor was in Hell Portals, and while I was not naive enough to think it would land me a job in the real world, it was nonetheless a fulfilling and eye-opening subject. As something of a liberal idealist I tended to argue against the opening of hell portals - much to the amusement of some of my classmates and professors.
Giant Private Prison Chains are Driving America's "Mom and Pop" Prisons Out of Business
A frustrated small business owner expresses his outrage about the dying character of small towns.
PrisonProse: Creative Fiction from Inmates
Brighten your day with an original story from one of America's most creative felons.
Burt's Power Points Summer Sale Spectacular (Part 3)
It's summer again and that means hot weather, angry hornets and an increased demand for quality presentations. Now more than ever businesses and individuals need quality Power Points presentations tailored to their every need, and nobody does a better job filling that need than Burt's PowerPoints.
Punch Me in the Face, Matthew Lillard
This weekend, actor Matthew Lillard offered to pay $100 to punch me in the face. In this open letter, I accept the kiss of Mr. Lillard's money-filled fist.
Fox on Sex: Birds I Want ta Root
Fox News is busy with the debt crisis and has asked Newscorp CEO Rupert Murdoch to fill in for missing Fox on Sex columnist Jenny Block.
Timeline of 2011 NFL Lockout
For five months the owners and players have argued, fought, and sent awkwardly spelled tweets at one another. Now, with the lockout possibly coming to an end, it’s time to take a look back at the trivial squabbles that have gained the attention of about seven people
The Bravest Pre-Battle Speech
Brothers! Here we are on the cusp of war, a mere hundred dwarves standing between our homelands and the invading horde. Our weapons are dull, our hands untrained in combat. We have not had a decent nap in weeks. Our ale stores have diminished, leading many to suckle their beards for sustenance. Some have even resorted to water and vegetables.
The Fighting Game Character I-Ching
Discover the world of traditional Chinese forecasts and advice by deciphering hexagrams 1 through 6 of the Fighting Game Character I-Ching.
Drive-Thru Monsters
One night my drive-thru headset fell in the shake machine. When I took it out, it was picking up monster voices. I told my manager Jeff, who said to change the battery and then went back in the office to do more coke even though he was trying to kick. To some people monsters aren't as shocking as to others.
Sizzling Summer Goodies from the Bradford Exchange (Part 18)
When it comes to blasting out soulless Americana, no entity on this earth has a bigger and more industrious butthole than the Bradford Exchange. They are on some maddening quest to create the perfect item that so remarkably encapsulates the essence of America's schizophrenic spirit that reality itself collapses in on itself.
Hotdogger!
Wienermobile driving: the ultimate job for hotdog hotrods.
Club MixJam Promotions Presents: Brad Rapstar
Our records show that your website SOMETHINGAWFUL will reach a larger audience and increase its profits by at least 400% simply by entering into an exciting promotional partnership. Give your visitors what they want with Club MixJam Promotions!
Great Moments in Chubbuck, Idaho’s SWAT Team History
The proud 20-year history of a small town SWAT team.
The Wedding Promise
Faithful monogamy is the cornerstone of reasonable society -- as proven by several Bob Jones University texts, megachurch P.R. agents, and Dave Berg of MAD Magazine's "The Lighter Side of..." section.
Rustlr.com: The Great Train Robber Roundup (Part 14)
Sit a spell with Rustlr.com, the #1 spot to stop while travelin' along that ol' dusty information supertrail. This time: Mad Sheriff Bill Boothe takes aim at his former posse and a wicked game threatens to ensnare the whole town.
DMT: The Lillard Molecule
I found myself in a strange nursery or playroom. The toys were strange and alien. I was filled with joy, then fear; I was an infant. I sensed a presence at my side, like a guide or teacher. I looked over, and it was Matthew Lillard. He told me, without words, that everything would be fine.
This Might Be Our Stupidest Deal Yet!
We've finally reached a deal to avoid defaulting on the USA's debts, and man alive, you are gonna hate this stupid thing!
The Eight Commandments of Extreme Couponing
To those that are lonely, dejected, retired with too much time on your hands, hear me and obey. Though you need not the discount, need not the free one if you buy four at full price, with every nickel you save off the price of Sunny Delight, you too are saving yourself.
Understanding The NFL Lockout
The impact of the NFL lockout extends far beyond fans of the sport. Sponsors, television networks, thousands of working class team employees, and Pittsburgh area rape kit suppliers will all be affected if the season doesn't begin as scheduled this September.
Announcing the 2011 WTF, D&D!? Ultimate Module Artwork Contest
Steve and Zack announce this year's WTF, D&D!? fantasy artwork contest. Are you ready for an adventure?
Ask Golan the Insatiable! (Part 4)
So-called "advice columns" are very popular with your idiot species, crippled as you are by a myriad of laughable woes. Small citizens, prepare to gaze into Golan the Insatiable's fiery abyss of wisdom!
WELCOME TO THE LANDOWNERZ CLAN SITE
A NEW ERA DAWNS! LANDOWNERZ is officially founded, featuring an all-star roster of farm sim pros. We aim to dominate the FARMING SIMULATOR 2011 scene like no other clan, so look out for us.
BABIESCLOTHES! (Part 2)
Kettlebells expert HYURGI TIGERWOODS returns with deals on baby clothes from his nephews living in Chernogorsk.
Fifty More Hours Of Star Wars
George Lucas recently claimed to have written 50 hours worth of content for a live-action Star Wars television show. In a perfect world he would have written half as much and surrounded himself with twice as many people that were willing to say no to his bad ideas.
Cordial Invitations: Passengers on the 8:20 Chicago Red Line Train
Cordial invitations are given to specific, treasured passengers on the 8:20 Chicago CTA Red Line train.
Common Questions About My Child Bride
The road we child bride enthusiasts walk is a narrow, lonely one, full of detractors and naysayers who seek to tear down the timeless institution of child marriage.
Memos from Bear Cave: Employee Reviews (Part 10)
I'm instructing Tall Charlie to stand outside my door and swing around a machete indiscriminately. He will be wearing a blindfold and earplugs to ensure total objectivity and no bias with his reckless swinging.
Awful Places: Hampton Beach, NH
Most bad vacation spots are easily forgotten. Hampton Beach, New Hampshire is different. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth years later, like a Hubert Selby Jr. novel.
Johnston Emergency Check In: MY SIDE OF THE STOLEN VIRGINITY FIAMSCO
Bristol Palin accuses Levi Johnston of date rape in her new memoir. Now Levi is doing damage control and trying to get out his side of the story.
Alternative endorsements for Subway's Green Lantern avocado sub
Green Lantern bombed, but the advertising gurus that created Jared and the $5 Footlong have a few backups.
Not Drugs
Cursing under his breath, Tanner pulled up the bottom of the suspect's baggy sweater, revealing the man's actual arms. They had been taped to his sides. A hug smuggler - the sixth this week. Something big was coming, and Tanner was going to get down to the bottom of it.
Google Future - The Bitcoin Economy
Peer into the future with Google Future. See what happens in six years when Bitcoins are the predominant currency in the United States.
Failed Children's Toys (Part 3)
This revamped, average-looking model became known around the company as 'Butterface Barbie.' The office joke spread, and soon Butterface was given unique accessories, like a brown paper bag that could be placed on her head. The women who worked for Mattel did not find this as amusing as the men did, and eventually the entire concept was scrapped.
Wishing you luck (Part 6)
The President and I have a routine -- every Friday I find out from his staff where he is having lunch, then join him. Even after three years, he still gets surprised when I show up.
Hey Smash Mouth, I Wasn't Kidding
Where are you, Smash Mouth? Why won't you eat the eggs for us?
The White People Project: The First Charity for Caucasians
We've heard your complaints! The White People Project is committed to securing freedom and opportunity for tomorrow's white people.
Through The Science Hole With Morgan Freeman
Unfortunately, I get the feeling that Morgan Freeman's lack of formal scientific training comes through in his narration, bringing the credibility of his show down somewhat. You tell me if I'm being too harsh on the guy.
An Open Letter to Whoever Filled This Mass Grave in Ciudad Juarez
The mayor of Ciudad Juarez, Mexico's most violent city, responds to the discovery of another mass grave.
I'm a Shorty
Mere child's cartoon, or life-changing phenomenon? You make the call.
SCORES OF DOGS (Part 18)
WHISTLING DOG - carries a tune with perfect pitch and sits there endlessly staring, endlessly whistling "the Farmer in the Dell," endlessly staring, never breaking eye contact, just whistles, just stares, whistles, stares. 555-7255
Wobbingpool Police Incident Report
The Wobbingpool constabulary would like to apologise most profusely if you were victimised in an offence. Please tick the box or boxes that best describes the offence or offences you have suffered, and we will assign a bobby to promptly sort the matter.
Something Awful's Unintentional War Against Bitcoins
Over the weekend mercenaries were hired to launch an attack on Something Awful. They were paid in Bitcoins.
Which Bouquet-Humper is right for you?
In this issue of Bouquet-Humping Monthly we've sure got a challenge for you! Two single hunks at the peak of their talent spill their guts in their search for a special hubba-hubba-hubba, and you, fabulous reader, get to pick whichever fits your fancy.
Survival Of The Wittiest
His reply was so devastating in its cleverness and so casual in its delivery that those closest to the point of impact dropped to the ground, their ears spurting blood. One man thanked the witty man for the quip even as seizures contorted his body.
The Final Myth Busted
After thousands of episodes, after defining the foundation of our reality, Adam and Jamie confront their final myth.
A Few More Fables of Groggery Gibbonman (Part 5)
The cat traveled as far as he could walk, and when he came to the sea he swam. And when he tired of swimming he sank to the bottom of the sea, and there he met Neptune slumbering in his chamber. 'Oh mighty Neptune!' cried the cat, awakening the god. 'What marvels I have seen on my journey!'
E. C. Fouke's Compendium of Meat & Edibles: A Challenge Met (Part 22)
A glorious day has dawned, faithful Carnivores! It is with great pleasure that I announce to you that my $1,000.00 challenge has been met! Ah, how this quest has eluded me for so long! At last, after years of searching, fate has seen fit to award me that most precious thing each Carnivore yearns for: The taste of a new meat.
Duke Nukem Forever Demo Impressions
Duke Nukem Forever swipes concepts from popular modern titles and crams them together without considering how the elements work together. The result is a unique version of the kitchen sink approach in which the developer adds infinite kitchen sinks without a kitchen counter or plumbing and hopes for the best.
YEMENFREEDOMNEWS.YE (Part 13)
With President Saleh out, Yemeni pro-democracy agitators seize power and seize the news media. Their website offers headlines in English.
Smash Mouth: Please Eat the Eggs
Steve Harwell, please eat eggs on film. Please. We need it. Hundreds of us. Two dozen eggs, eat 'em how you like! Tasty eggs.
KETTLEBELLS! (Part 1)
USA want to get strongher? Find out #1 Russia Strenght Workout from #1 Stronghest man. I have a dream...KETTLEBELLS...
Ground Rules for Our Gay Hunting Trip
Some of you are just raring to explore the body of another man, to taste the sweet nectar of Miller Light, not from the mouth of a can, but from a mouth surrounded by a full beard and mustache. I am there and with you 100 percent.
Burt's Power Points: Spring Sale (Part 2)
Burt's back with a new batch of spring 2011 model Power Points! It's been a rough year so far and despite many hardships impressed upon me by my wife, I'm still cranking out professional, premium quality Power Points for business, pleasure and... beyond!
District Bulletin: Swimp Condemns You (Part 11)
Dorroile, the worst guy, has taken to a hobby most vile: the distribution of false District Bulletins, aimed only at bad laughs at the cost of Your Beloved Superiors. More vile yet, he even has hobbied thus: to create tracts of religion, masquerading as the teachings of our Lord God Swimp, sweet Cookie Bear who lives in the Moon.
Our First Post-American President
Out of retirement? Sarah Palin hits the road for what may be her 2012 Presidential bid. Obama has destroyed America and Sarah may want to rule the ruins.
Rate My Instructor: Professor Oak (Part 4)
Student reviews of Pokemon expert Professor Oak.
An Important Notice From WTOANLSDFTPBLA Corp
We'll Think Of A Name Later So Don't File This Placeholder Business License Application Corp and its international partners are excited and legally obligated to tell you about the biggest, most ACTION-PACKED recall of the modern era! For one reason or another nearly every product in our lineup has failed in SPECTACULAR fashion! Feel the rush!
Season 2 of Critter Grippers on the History Channel
The History Channel's popular series enters its second season with more of the quirky boys from the Florida Everglades who just want to have fun and grip critters. But be careful what you grip for...
The Further Fables of Groggery Gibbonman (Part 4)
"Ahoy, good bees!" shouted the wolf to the bees' nest. "Your safety is much impaired, your lives at risk! For there is far too much honey in your nest! Though sweet, it is the culprit in your weighty danger! If you do not lighten your load, certainly you will lose it all to catastrophe!" The bees buzzed in shock at the wolf's claim.
Letters from the War
Oh how this war lingers on. I have seen things I dare not describe, for they would make you faint and weep at the same time. Horrors so cruel and vast they stagger the imagination.
Subj: IT WAS WRONG OF THEM TO FIRE ME (Part 51)
Please read about the newest crime of the century happening before your very eyes!!
I Require More of Your Hubris
A few modest suggestions for self-improvement from the latest Boeing military drone.
My Best Idea Yet
I've been putting together an idea for a movie that, quite frankly, could turn out to be the best film of all time. The pitch: A perfect movie that everyone loves. This concept seems like it might have potential. True, I've never made a movie before, but the idea holds up to scrutiny from every angle. It is, conceptually, flawless.
Updates to the State of Tennessee Human Sexuality Curriculum
The Tennessee Department of Education implements the "Don't Say Gay" law championed by Republican State Representative Stacey Campfield.
Air Dud
Boys, I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm beginning to think that dogs just can't play basketball.
My Rapture Plan
According to some billboards and a couple VERY EXCITED GENTLEMEN who like buying up billboard space, we're just a few days away from the Rapture, the big fancy factory recall of good souls.
BeardBeat: News & Gossip from the Beardosphere
The World Beard and Mustache Championships were this week, and BeardBeat was on the scene with all the hottest inside info on your favorite facial hair. Special thanks to beard correspondent Reid Paskiewicz, who came out of retirement to provide his inimitable beard and mustache coverage.
My Bloge of Yearnings of Days Past
Nostalgia blogger Hansel Yarbough, born 1336, fondly recalls his youth spent watching wizard executions and avoiding the black death.
Final Essay Grading Rubric
Here is your final essay. For an explanation of the grade please refer to attached rubric.
My Thoughts On The New Thor Movie
Everyone is talking about Thor. The country's obsession with this new movie has become so intense that you can't even visit the Thor Store and pick up a gallon of Thorberry Juice without hearing someone mention Thor.
My Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit
Teenagers in Afghanistan catch zombie fever. Fariad is prepared to face the coming apocalypse.
The Men and Women without Quality
The people posted in these YouTube videos actually exist. They're real. They're alive and doing stuff in the world right now.
Finally, on a Lighter Note
As part of a request from the Shaggy Butte Mayor's Office to improve town morale, KRUT-5 is dedicated to airing at least one positive story about life in Shaggy Butte each month. These are some of those stories.
Subj: THE RAFFLE DAY (Part 50)
When you think about the excitement of the raffle does it remind you of BIRTH?
Nixon Tapes: Nixon, Colson, and Kissinger Discuss a Dreamcatcher
Richard Nixon and two close advisors discuss G. Gordon Liddy's discovery of a Native American device called a "dreamcatcher."
Ultra Rare Arcade Cabinets
"Look out! It's a terrarium!" "I am fully immersed in this foyer!" Those were a few exclamations that people were likely to shout while playing Virtual Reality CAD.
THEY don't want YOU to know: BATH SALTS are a SAFE DRUG
The truth about bath salts and their safety facts about them to counter the lies put out by the media panic-mongers.
Double Dare Dad
The pain of losing on Double Dare doesn't end when the cameras stop rolling.
Burt's Power Points (Part 1)
Communication is important to getting your point across, and the #1 way to do that is with a Microsoft Power Points presentation. I am a professional desktop publisher with over 15 years in the business. I've made and sold more Power Points than can be expressed by mere numbers.
New Rules From Your Office Mommy!
Hi boys, it's Lizzie, your favorite office mommy! Seems like a few members of our little workplace family have been taking a little too much advantage of the fun atmosphere, and maybe it's time to make a few rules!
Osama bin Laden, Legendary Activist, Dead at 54
Osama bin Laden receives the usual sunny obit afforded a departed celebrity.
Beepmasters
If you find that you are tired of the music you have and you want to find a great new artist, load up an adult webcam site and ask for the name of the song that's blaring over the girl's microphone like a drive-thru apocalypse.
Our Favorite NFL Criminals During the Upcoming Strike
With an NFL strike looming the players may have a lot of free time on their hands. We look at what a few of our favorite criminal NFL players might be doing this summer.
Crates, Etc. Spring 2011 Catalog!
Our Spring 2011 Catalog features fantastic savings on every type of crate you can imagine - and some you probably can’t. Although when you see them, you’ll wonder why you didn’t: They’re so simple yet elegant in design.
Frederick Oxbow Begs Respectfully
FREDERICK OXBOW, HAIR CUTTER, BEGS respectfully to inform all good Citizens and Criminals of Honor that he has become the Sole Licensee for using Duke's Patent Rotary Hair Threshing Apparatus, and diligently invites them to call and ENJOY A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE!
Subj: FITNESS ZONE (Part 49)
Problem at local gym. There is a problem at the gym. Please fix it, gym people.
New Best Practices for the Cancer Centers of America
The Cancer Centers of America has been having some problems with optimism among staff members. Luckily, they have devised guidelines to help restore appropriate behavior.
Nintendo's New Console
According to the video game press rumor mill, it's all but certain that Nintendo will announce a new console by E3 (June 7-9) at the latest. Some sites have even claimed that the rumor has been "confirmed" by anonymous sources, which has all the attention-grabbing power of an official confirmation without any of the journalistic responsibility.
The Alternate Reality Deaths of Russell Brand
There are at least 19 alternate realities. The good news is that Russell Brand has died in all of them. The bad news is that he's still alive in ours, and growing more powerful by the day.
A Desperate Plea from Your Son's Teacher
The words no mother wants to hear: "Your child is a moron."
Kennel Fair Dog Pageant: Disqualified Dogs (Part 7)
While there is nothing in the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant Rules & Guidelines prohibiting the act of bejeweling a canine, common sense and basic human decency definitely forbids it.
The Red Potion of Greater Healing
We at Blue River believe healthy competition is not a thing to be feared. The Red Potion of Greater Healing is a fine product which will deservedly put almost every other pharmaceutical company out of business almost instantly, but we have full faith in the time-tested ingenuity and competitive spirit of our world-class research department.
DJ Talk-Ups You Will Never Hear in the Club
Club DJs will say anything to get people on the dance floor. Almost anything.
Letters from Anatomical Model (Female)
Dear Mama, just barely keeping my head above water doing day gigs in the back of a middle school classroom. Life is hard here in the city for an anatomical model, but I’ll be a big time Law & Order star soon. I promise.
Every Fatality From The New Mortal Kombat Game
Until now, only a fraction of the game's fatalities have been revealed through shaky handheld videos taken at loud gaming conventions. This article marks the first time that every fatality has been thoroughly documented in one place.
Chinese TV Eliminates "Supernatural Drama" and Embraces "Positive Thinking"
China's new movie and TV guidelines create opportunities for new and interesting TV shows to flourish.
Monstergeddon: Human Slaughtering Party! (Part 3)
Hey all! I’m new to the monster community (just returned from the grave), and I thought this little mixer could be a great way to get to know other creep peeps. I got the invite from some schoolmates who still think I’m human. They’re planning a scavenger hunt in this old rundown casino. Should be a nice relaxed environment to pick them off!
ROOMS FOR RENT II: THE RENTENING (Part 17)
LIVE THE HIGH LIFE! Luxurious apartment, plenty of space, amazing in every way except for one tiny flaw: it is a second-story unit and there is no floor. Don't ask, just rent. 555-2983
Horse_ebooks
What if the greatest Twitter user of all time were a horse? It is.
SAS Field Manual: What to Do if You Just Ate a Meal Without Realizing You Lost Your Wallet
You've finished the meal and realized you forgot your wallet. Don't panic and execute these lifesaving maneuvers from the SAS Field Manual.
More Forgotten Origins Of Comic Book Characters (Part 2)
When Dr. Bruce Banner enters a boxing tournament, things take a surprising turn as Hulk emerges at the opening of the first round! In the following action-packed pages, The Incredibly Verbose Hulk describes each and every blow landed by his opponent in pulse-pounding prose! Guest starring Muhammad Ali and The Monkees.
Five Parts of Buffalo We Should Not Use
He may not be an elder, but Complains-to-Clouds is an 8th-Century Crow Indian Blogger and he is taking issue with using every part of the buffalo.
Dear President Oboe II
It is nice to sit and catch up with you again. But I am afraid things have gone from ghosts to goblins for Norma Fedlick. Real goblins, that is.
Dear Mr. Mayor: The Hairy Little Men Problem (Part 2)
Mr. Mayor, if you're not going to have the thousands of little hairy men plaguing our streets arrested, could you at least have them provided with diapers or underwear. I'm tired of seeing their disproportionately large genitalia flailing around while they spit and jump up and down.
District Bulletin - Ask Your Superiors (Part 10)
My friends are often fooled by the owlish sagacity of my baby’s countenance, but the baby is not wise. The baby fully witless and quite stupid even for a baby. The baby has voice both deep and calming and he offers awful quite bad advice in it. Lately, he is advised my friend Ollys to purchase a giant pink house full of cookies and puppies.
Metatro Varuna "Bubble" Instruction Manual
Metatro Veranu thanks you for purchasing the m3661do "Bubble", the most advanced death device known to man. Please refer to the enclosed instruction manual.
Open Letter to my Unemployed Squirrel
Starting tomorrow, squirrel, you’re cut off. On your own. That means no more rides, no more acorns, no more free Block Buster rentals.
The Kennedys Mini-Series Is Bullshit
I was looking forward to The Kennedys. After all, Oliver Stone's JFK was a pretty good movie, so a prequel was certainly welcome. Greg Kinnear as John Kennedy was an inspired casting choice, and Katie Holmes seemed like a natural fit due to her real world experience with ineffectually containing her husband's exploding brain.
Dilbert Doesn't Care About Lady People
Dilbert creator Scott Adams has landed in some hot water for a sexist blog post. Thankfully, he has posted more in his blog to correct the matter.
Return of the Wizard (Part 2)
So the message you left with my mother said we'd be working with hazardous chemicals today? I brought my protective goggles and gloves. What's on the agenda, Mr. Wizard?
E. C. Fouke's Compendium of Meat & Edibles (Part 21)
With great pride I invite you to join me for this, the inaugural edition of E. C. Fouke's Compendium of Meats & Edibles. I trust that in time this humble endeavor shall find its home beside the most treasured works of publication, and an indispensable companion to that most splendid of souls, the American Carnivore.
LIBYAISGOINGSPLENDID.LY: True News of Libya for English (Part 12)
Gaddafi's English-language news aggregator offers a very personal and Libyan view of breaking news.
A Week In The Life Of The Sims Medieval
As the bully is placed in the stockade, I publicly declare that she will be hit about the face with one egg for every blow she has landed upon her victim. Soon, however, I declare that she will be hit with one egg for every egg that I possess.
Paul Giamatti's Entourage
What if Entourage was about Paul Giamatti and his entourage of Hollywood pals? Find out in this script from episode 108 - Paul's Stalker.
Heaven is For Real: The Lost Chapter
View the horrors of Hell with a cherubic child as your guide.
Memos from Bear Cave: Company Picnic Day (Part 9)
In case any of you get a mind to leave early, I should give you fair warning: I have employed a sharpshooter. His name is Ðâng Lành and he was one of the best solders the Viet Cong ever produced. I met him during my days in the war and was so impressed by his ability to capture and torment his enemies that I hired him on the spot.
My Club Memberships
Being inducted into Costco’s prestigious Gold Star program is one of the proudest achievements in my professional life, which is why it’s always front and center on my résumé.
Buffets!
A trip to the buffet can remind us all of the horrors that await in the steaming tray.
Spring Break Homework
Congratulations on making it this far in the semester. But just because you do not have to see me, does not mean you can quickly slide back into your mongoloid modes of life. Here is your homework.
Forgotten Origins Of Comic Book Characters (Part 1)
Peter Parker, a brilliant but shy high school student, went on a field trip to the New York Bug Hospital. As the empathetic youth reached out to comfort a spider that was recovering from a round of chemotherapy, the weary arachnid bit Parker's finger. Thus was born Sickly Spider-Man.
Updates from J-List HQ in the Sea of Japan
Peter Payne updates everyone on the post-tsunami condition of the J-List headquarters as it drifts out to sea.
Interview with the Town Drunk
To celebrate the booziest of occasions, St. Patrick's Day, Something Awful's Worm Miller sat down with a man who takes the holiday very seriously. Roger Schramm holds the public office of Town Drunk in the city of Costa Vista, California.
Dear Mr. Mayor (Part 1)
We should have never have let you go to that fancy big city mayor's conference, because you brought back their big city problems like Clawmen, who are so hell-bent on clawing everything in sight they can't be reasoned with.
Subj: Your Depost Refund Request (Part 48)
Thank you for your thoughtful letter. We regret to inform you that you will not be receiving your deposit back.
YouLead: Foreign policy, by you
Democracy 2.0 comes to foreign policy initiatives. Now you can vote on your favorite foreign policy proposal.
Subj: I WANT MY DEPOSIT BACK (Part 47)
Engaged in a battle of wits because I tried to make pets fun again!!
Dragon Age II Is Mediocre, BioWare Is Becoming Terrible
When Dragon Age: Origins, the most old school PC RPG-ish RPG in years, sold more copies than Mass Effect 2, it was an encouraging sign. After all, if a game with counter-spells, trap disabling, and +1 rings could succeed to such a degree in the current market, my life might have some meaning.
Corporate Flash Games Overanalyzed
Why does the maker of trash bags have a game on their website? To reinforce gender stereotypes and advocate garbage bling, of course.
Ticks!
Special Guest Writer Josh "Thunderbeard" Pugh reports from deep within tick country on nature's least-misunderstood abomination.
MOUNDS OF DOGS (Part 16)
FOR SALE: DOG PIÑATA. Kleptomaniac dog ate all my candy, then promptly expired. Need to recoup my investment, so please buy him as is, filled with over three pounds of mixed candies. 555-1162
The Bloodlust of J.F. Swanton is Implacable (Part 20)
After two and a quarter years in the forest, nude as a lion, killing thousands of God's creatures and extincting several species, I hereby return to business. I pledge to translate my demented thirst for death into the lowest prices and fairest dealings in this noble industry. I AM THRILLED TO RETURN!
Eight Reasons This New Pony is BS
Madeline shares a few words with mom and dad over the disappointment of her new pony.
Troubleshooting Interactive Grandpa v5.2
Thank you for buying Interactive Grandpa v5.2, the most interactive grandfather program available for public use. We are sorry for any inconvenience. Listed are the solutions to the most common Grandpa related errors.
Which iPad 2 Model Are You Getting?
I'm swept up in the human tidal wave, my hand one of millions making grabby motions for an iPad 2. The only problem is that I just can't decide on a model to go with. They all seem so great! If you've already picked one, maybe you can help me figure out which one I should thrust my credit card toward and grunt greedily.
In Defense of the Dildo Saw
VRRRRR! Dirty hippies revving a motorized sex toy menace the career of a Northwestern University professor.
Subs, Lies and Videotape
She took a bite of her sub, then put her hand on mine. It felt creamy and smooth, from the mayonnaise. Her legs were crossed: one swung freely, her heel dangling precariously. The other heel tapped a syncopated rhythm that served as a breakbeat to my heart, which cycled furiously; fueled by Splenda and a thousand lonely nights, but mostly Splenda.
Trust No One (Part 5)
On behalf of myself and the entire Obama Administration, I want to offer my sincere apologies for the email sent from my address yesterday. That was not me writing those words, and I strongly condemn what they said.
CHARLIE SHEEN PRESENTS: Charlie Sheen's RESUME!!! BOOYAH
Yo! So you want to hire a REAL PRO ACTOR for your TV SHOW OR FILM MOVIE? Well look no further! You've tried the rest now mess with THE BEAST!!! I'm a CELEBRITY TV STAR and my STAR IS ON THE RISE LIKE THE MOON! Call me THE MOONMAN!!!
2011 Gathering of Moonbats or the Don Larry Super Patriot Cinem-ugh Nocares Liveblog (Part 4)
Super Patriot Don Larry subjects himself to the 2011 Oscars and offers commentary and criticism of the Hollywood establishment.
Dead Space 2 Isn't Scary, You Pants-Pissing Manbabies
Watching a mother cradle a necromorph baby will NOT haunt my nightmares until I die
Magazine Fancy, The Magazine
You're a magazine enthusiast, but find yourself lacking the time and coffee table space to accommodate every publication out there. This is the magazine that's made for you.
I'm Sticking with Gaddafi
Gaddafi is facing troubled times in Libya, which is why he needs us more than ever.
Rustlr.com: A New Sheriff in Town (Part 13)
Sit a spell with Rustlr.com, the #1 spot to stop while travelin' along that ol' dusty information supertrail. This time: The town gets turned upside down as Mad Bill Boothe squares off against Pawley for the job of town sheriff.
The Rambunctious Rhymes of Groggery Gibbonman (Part 3)
Groggery Tirade "Grog" Gibbonman was hailed by his contemporaries as a master of poetic rhythm. Of particular note are his nursery rhymes, the first printed collection of which was presented to the young sons of Sultan Aleksivus III via messenger as an act of war.
Fox on Sex: A Woman Has a Egg But It's Not a Bird Egg (Part 7)
This week in Fox on Sex, Steve Doocy of Fox and Friends returns to fill in for columnist Jenny Block.
Rate My Instructor: Ms. Frizzle (Part 1)
Student reviews of elementary teacher (and school bus driver) Ms. Frizzle
Halftime In The Washington Generals' Locker Room
Fellas, those Harlem Globetrotters are working us over. I actually saw children in the stands laughing at us. Laughing! It's time to turn things around. We're down by 38, sure, but if we get out there and execute fundamental basketball, I honestly believe we can pull this one out and improve our series record to 2-13027.
We Do Battle for the Lord: Snips and Snails (Part 3)
Isaac and his buddy are in for it now. It's a real goddang hell bus scenario. With kids.
Vote Golan for Comptroller! (Part 3)
I speak to you in reference to Wednesday's political debate held in Oak Grove High's gymnasium. Surely you were wondering why my fearsome presence was not felt in the room. And just as surely you will share my violent outrage when I inform you that I was denied entry, despite my proclamation that I am running for the office of Comptroller!
The Time to Evict Mr. Stormbeard is Now (Part 5)
I have written you many times to complain about Mr. Stormbeard's unruly lawn and flagrant disregard for the neighborhood charter, a document I vowed to uphold at all costs. I must now inform you that this sacred document has been stained with blood.
Subj: CYBER GAME SHOW CONTESTANT?? (Part 46)
You call that bucket of bolts a computer woman? I will show you a computer woman.
GI Army Funnies: Indiana Petraeus and the Crappers of Cairo (Part 11)
Events in Egypt have General Petraeus and the whole Army gang in Afghanistan talking about a change of venue.
The Email That Put The New Deus Ex Game In Peril
Deus Ex: Human Revolution is shaping up to be a worthy successor to 2000's classic game about trench coats, invading personal computers and women's bathrooms for no good reason, and the moral implications of genetic implants in a society where no one is able to bend their back, even in death.
We Do Battle for the Lord: Red Right Hennepin (Part 2)
Strange things are afoot in Hennepin County. Isaac and his buddy travel through snowy Minnesota to do battle with the dangerous Ice Worm.
RockTalk.com
Welcome to RockTalk, the Internet's home for hardened earth enthusiasts.
Valentine's Day Gift Ideas from the Bradford Exchange (Part 17)
Our friends at the Bradford Exchange, a sort of Caligulan celebration of humanity's thirst for garbage, have honed in on what it means to express love. Their scientists have concocted a terrific medley of gifts that say romantic things like "I love you" and "I know you still yearn to return to the Glory Days of the Confederacy."
The Time Tooth Tooth Tasted Swine: Part 4 (Part 10)
In which Tooth Tooth builds with an unlikely friend, a Norwegian black metal singer named Valp Kattunge, and gains powerful insight into the struggle against Yacub and the nature of corruption.
NASA's Big Score: The Earthy Worlds
Veteran mission astronaut AJ Tucker describes the exciting discovery of earth-like planets outside our solar system.
Writer's Conference Schedule of Events
Learn everything you need to know about writing during our busy day of events
Wholesome Explanations For Charlie Sheen's Cocaine-Fueled Incidents
Charlie Sheen's PR group has been waging a valiant effort to blur the lines between the actor's drug-addled, physically abusive real-life behavior and the fantasy of a good-natured normal guy whose perfectly innocent actions have been misinterpreted by the entire universe for seemingly no reason.
We Do Battle for the Lord: In the Beginning (Part 1)
Isaac and his buddy died. Now they have more important things to worry about.
A Guide to all the Rooms in the Universe
The easiest way to understand the universe is to break it up into smaller chunks. Especially since it's already been done for you. We call these chunks "rooms." They're the basic unit of our existence. All of the important events in our lives take place in them. Rooms are everything.
ROOMS FOR RENT (Part 15)
CARNIVAL FUNHOUSE been nigh on 30 years since the carnival closed. Mirror maze available to tenant with strong constitution. Lots of wasps swarming in there and it's hard to tell which ones are real and which ones are reflections. $1200/month for unit pending thorough credit check. 555-9239
Subj: I TRIED TO STOP THE ZOO PROBLEM (Part 45)
The animal problems are some of my most regretful!
I Hate to Break It, But You're Not in the Top 2%
35% of Americans believe they're bound for great fortune. Sorry, old chum, but it isn't going to work out that way.
Beem Me Up
Please don't be alarmed. You were in a terrible accident. We have revived you from stasis, repaired your tissue damage, and removed the embedded bits of fruit stand debris. It is the future, and our advanced society may prove too much for your recovering brain to take in all at once.
Shut Off America's Internet, Please
The oppressive regime in Egypt has shut down the country's Internet to stifle an uprising. Maybe they have the right idea.
Bob and Josh's Adequate Adventures (Through Time)
What happens when two Something Awful writers use a shaky time-travel premise to explore the oddities of the future?
Believe Again (Part 4)
I had the great privilege of sitting behind the president during the address, and felt the power of his words. I admit, I was a bit distracted at times. If you saw me smiling early on, it's because I just couldn't stop thinking about that Jalapeno Smokehouse Bacon Burger they've got at Chili's. I've had my eye on that son of a gun all week.
The Time Tooth Tooth Tasted Swine: Part 3 (Part 9)
In which Tooth Tooth shakes off his hog stupor, follows the path of humility, infiltrates the pig-celebrating world of the white devil and meets an unexpected Norwegian.
Kill the Stupid
Sometimes it takes an idiot to advocate getting rid of all the idiots.
Rate My Instructor: Professor X (Part 2)
Students past and present review Professor Charles Xavier.
Establishing Your American Idol Sob Story
Tens of thousands audition for American Idol, but the only contestants that matter are the ones with A Story. Having A Story means that you have faced some sort of difficulty at one point in your life (unlike everyone else) and therefore deserve a prolonged tearjerker video segment along with a greater chance of winning a singing contest.
A Letter Home From the 20th Day of the Bears-Packers NFC Championship Game
A Green Bay Packers fan writes home from the stands of Soldier Field to a wife barely remembered after 20 days of the NFC Championship.
The 'Crash' Killer
There is no way to describe the brutal urge to kill. Once it had been satisfied, or spent, I became myself again. Basically, I was a decent person. I had good friends. I led a normal life, except for this one small but very potent and destructive thing - I loved 'Crash.'
Memos from Bear Cave: Kid's Day Aftermath (Part 8)
Some of you have had the audacity to question my decision to take some of the older boys on a "field trip" to the Bouncy House. It's amazing any of you would question me, since I was upfront about where I was taking them. Are that many of you really not familiar with local strip clubs? What other Bouncy House would I mean?
Subj: MY FURTHER REGRETS (Part 44)
I have a lot of sad things to tell you before I forget most of them to the demons of time!!
wUff: molecular gastronomy for your pets
Pet food has never been more adventurous than the new line of wUff gourmet pet foods. Taste them or spend the rest of your life wishing you had.
Supreme Overseer Leader Q&A: Bug Shipping
Supreme Overseer Leader is the foremost authority on all bug shipping within the sector. His gaze knows no limits, his icy grasp is absolute and inescapable. He currently resides in a cozy chalet with his life partner, an eternally screaming medical skeleton named Judith.
The Buckets, From the People Who Brought You The Ladders
Join The Buckets, the premium job site for people earning $10,000 or less and employers with jobs paying $10,000 or less.
Dear President Oboe
Thank you for reading this. It took me a long time to find your address as I do not have a computer or know what they do.
The Truth is Out There (Part 3)
I've seen a lot of weird things in Washington over the past 40 years. At first I thought the weirdest thing was seeing how Newt Gingrich always takes his shirt off before he goes to the bathroom, even if he's just doing a number one. But in the past two years I've observed something even stranger: Progress, and lots of it.
Combos Factory Maintenance Report
12/22/10 COMBM-40321: Improved venting technology in Pizzeria Pretzel filling assembly chamber to prevent further explosions. Previous explosions may have been due to introduction of pressurized pepperoni gas into highly flammable petroleum-based marinara wax.
My Method's Retoric is TRUE and NOT responsible for anything
Gunwitch, inventor of the Way of the Gun pick up artist method, refuses to take responsibility for the actions of assassin Jared Lee Loughner.
Funland's SillyTime Ride Release Form
Funland is not responsible for loss of life/bowels, conversion to foreign, exotic religions, or the immediate desire to purchase a Coldplay CD (available at giftshop.)
The Life Recipe
Your eyes grew large with concern and you immediately told me to put the flier back, but I didn't. I walked over to the stack and pretended to place it on top of the others, secretly folding it up into a paper football. That's why I was carrying a football for the rest of the shopping trip. It wasn't even real, it was that advertisement.
A Congressman Orange
Congressman Boehner, and his three droogs, Bachmann, Cantor, and Allenwest, indulge in a bit of the ultraviolence and settle a brewing power struggle.
Grrl Monthly Pop Quiz!
Fear not, ladies! Grrl Monthly has composed a fail-proof test to help you sort through the questions of your love life! Is he prince charming? Is he the king of losers? Should you marry him? Should you be running for the hills? All shall be answered herein!
Celebrity Stalker: 2011's Got Spots! (Part 12)
Saw Jared Leto enter a vintage clothing shop, only nobody noticed so he left and then entered again more dramatically. Still nobody else saw, so after like four more times finally someone noticed and then he pretended to be more surprised than they were.
Subj: I AM SORRY (Part 43)
The year is new and I feel like a new man! Let me apologize now!!
The Hillbilly End Times is Here
Dead birds? Dead fish? Send in the raccoons and pray for the best. It's y'all's only hope in the Hillbilly End Times.
I'm Just Standing Here On This Game Box, Holding My Weapon
Nah, I don't need to turn around. It's just rocks. Rocks can't damage this beard, or these sunglasses, or this baseball cap. Hold on, I'm getting new intel on rocks... OH SHIT!
