William Gibson Correctly Predicts the Internet of 2013 (Part 2)
The influential science fiction author successfully predicts what the Internet will be like.next year.
Things To Shout From The Top Of Mount Everest
"What the? That one over there is taller! And it's got a slide!"
Cormac McCarthy Writes Copy for the Fleshlight Website (Part 1)
The Pulitzer Prize winning author of The Road turns to writing ad copy for a sex toy website.
Confessions of a World's Ugliest Dog Owner
Take a step into the chilling world of competitive dog ugliness.
2012's Viral Buzz List WIN/FAIL Extravaganza (Remember the 90s!?)
Enjoy Something Awful's year-end roundup of awesome viral lists of totally WIN stuff from 2012! Featuring the HOTTEST celebs, the FAITH IN HUMANITYEST tweets and the WINNEST things you remember from the 90s!
Divorce Makes Christmas Awesome
Oh, on Christmas morning you woke up, walked downstairs and opened presents while your parents watched? How quaint.
Lack of Tom Bombadil in The Hobbit Movie Really Pissing Off Tom Bombadil
Famously fun-loving Tom Bombadil vents over being cut from all Tolkien film adaptations he does.
Unnecessary Movie Twists
At the end of The Shawshank Redemption, Andy Dufresne has finally escaped from prison. He emerges from the pressing filth of a tunnel and lifts his face to the falling rain, his arms outstretched as if to embrace the open world before him.
World to Be Destroyed By Tsunami of Insufferable Mayan Calendar Jokes
It's December 21st, 2012. There are ten billion jokes and nobody is laughing, except the Mayans.
Golan vs. Jesus (Part 9)
While listening to the decrepit pastor detail the origin of the Xian godling, I made the perplexing discovery that Xmas is not in fact a celebration of the fabricated super-being Santa Claus. Furthermore, I had been entirely unaware of the similarities between Xian sub-god Jesus and myself. Golan the Insatiable is the clear better in this contrast!
Spout.ly Presents: Shaggy Butte's Best and Worst Drinking Fountains of 2012 (Part 3)
Following a dramatic year of upheaval and loss, Shaggy Butte’s drinking fountain enthusiasts look back on the town’s best and worst places to grab a sip of water.
Subj: SLEEP (Part 57)
I have had lots of dream trouble lately but my confessions may help me rest.
Your Old Friend On Facebook Has a Plan to Prevent School Shootings
That guy you've been meaning to un-friend on Facebook for months has some ideas about how to prevent school shootings.
Know Your Local Gang Colors!
Not having been stabbed by a gang member is easily one of my greatest accomplishments. People who know me well often tell me that it's my defining characteristic. When they think of me, which is rare, it's the only thing that comes to mind. What's my secret?
The Overly Optimistic Futurist's Guide to Dating in the Post-Singularity
What if all the TED talks and blog posts turn out to be true and we are headed for a technological singularity? You're going to want to know how to date.
ThinkGeek.com's Worst Christmas Gifts of 2012
All the best of this year's overpriced, irritating novelties.
Jovan Belcher's Girlfriend Would Still Be Alive if She'd Been a Living Weapon
The head of the NRA responds to the remarks of Bob Costas and explains how NFL player Jovan Belcher's girlfriend would have survived if she were a perfect instrument of death-dealing Ryushin.
Worse Names For An NBA Team Than The New Orleans Pelicans
If all goes according to plan (an awful, terrible, plan) the New Orleans Hornets are going to become the New Orleans Pelicans. This bold move is one of self-sacrifice, immediately taking the Washington Wizards and Toronto Raptors off the hook for having the dumbest team names in the NBA.
The Lamest Science Fiction Cars that Should Have Been Junked
Not every movie can feature a time-traveling DeLorean or an alien-squashing APC. We have a slow-moving, asymmetrical parade of the worst vehicles of science fiction.
Scared Straight at the Supermarket
As part of my probation for my recent drug arrest, I have to spend a day with a heroin addict. After shooting up, he says we need to go somewhere. I assume it's to score more heroin, but instead we end up at the supermarket.
SCADS OF DOGS (Part 19)
GENUINE DOG EGGS are yours for the low price of $50 each. Put 'em in your incubator and watch adorable puppies pop out. Not my fault if they look like lizards. 555-8257
Subj: MORE PRIZED PIGS??? !!!!! (Part 56)
I have a job now doing Pig Care for the mayor. His prized pigs can't be beat!!!
Keep Mogadishu Weird!
Recent rumors about a big box store coming to Mogadishu force a local shopkeeper to come out in defense of the city's weirdness.
Check Out My Cyber Monday Haul
To be honest, Cyber Monday has always struck me as a very dumb thing with an equally dumb name. After all, given our cyber-driven world shouldn't every day be Cyber Monday? Also, why isn't there a White Cyber Monday?
Lazygate: The Best Political Story You Missed
Laziness leads to political trouble for a transgendered lawmaker in New Hampshire.
Women Aren't Women Anymore
Fighting back against the pod-focused feminist agenda.
UnFenced Cowboy Resume: Hank Langdon
UnFenced is the world's largest professional cowboy networking site, connecting you to trusted pardners all over the lonesome frontier.
Free Dave Navarro's Hair!
There is only one problem with Dave Navarro’s hair: It is on Dave Navarro.
Anders Behring Breivik Reviews Pizza Available In Prison
Norway political murderer Anders Behring Breivik, enduring terrible torture in Norway's toughest prison, reviews pizzas available to him.
The Best Travel Advice You Will Ever Read On A Site With A Grenade In Its Logo
Traveling is probably the best way to go to a place. I'd be hard pressed to think of a better way to get somewhere. The only problem is that traveling requires you to do things and make decisions from time to time. Sure, it's a hassle, but don’t give up just yet!
The Necronomicon as Imagined By Other Authors
From Hemingway to Stephenson to the author of Fifty Shades of Grey; alternate authors imagine Lovecraft's Necronomicon.
Stop Making Fun of My Alternative Tea
Every time I visit your store to buy a six pack of Twisted Tea you laugh at me. Just because I drink alternative tea doesn't mean I'm some kind of freak.
SkyMall Product Reviews: UpRight Sleeper (Part 17)
I have tried all of SkyMall's complicated head and neckware, and this is by far the least uncomfortable. The main benefit of this product is that there are no extra parts putting pressure on your eyeballs, grinding away at your scalp, or blasting your head with lasers.
Subj: MILK PROBLEMS (Part 55)
I got into a milk match with a real piece of work named RUSTY.
Ulillillia Refutes SA's Lifehacker Parody
"Altoids have no effect on energy levels. Even with 8 of them in my mouth..." Game developer Nick "Ulillillia" Smith takes Something Awful to task for our parody of Lifehacker featuring Ulillillia.
Questionable Lines From The Lincoln Movie
"Let me get this straight: It's the world's biggest diamond, in a safe owned by none other than Robert E. Lee? Of course I'm in on this heist."
The Hottest Tech of 2013
We take a look at the hottest technology hitting the market in 2013.
This Year in Professional Horse Diving
Find out what's happening in the world of America's 12th most popular extreme animal exhibition.
The End of Liberty: How I'm Fighting Back
With last week’s election, it became official: American freedom is a thing of the past. Barack Obama will spend the next four years driving the final stake through the heart of a once proud nation. Therefore, I, John Donderondo, am committing to totally disengage from all liberals and liberal institutions from this day forward.
Dear NHL, Stop Sucking and Play Hockey.
NHL, just to be clear, you’re pretty much responsible for every spouse found dead in a trailer park from now until the Philadelphia Flyers skate again
What Headmates Inhabit Your Headspace?
Meet the factive and fictive voices that inhabit the heads of people on tumblr.
A Look Back At The Election's Biggest Babies
Some of the Internet's biggest babies. Now with 400% more dads!
Identifying The Superhero That Saved Your Life
Was your hero's mask made of transparent plastic? That would be Blown Cover Lass. Her considerable strength is fueled by rage and bafflement over the fact that so many people know her secret identity.
ID44: Barack Obama Tackles the Speech from "Independence Day"
The scientists may say our bombs are not powerful enough, the philosophers may question the ethics of exterminating a sentient species, but if we stand together, no force field can stop our weapons, no swarm of plasma-spitting fighters can turn back our jets.
Nioxin Will Make Your Living Hair Dead
The new 'miracle' hair care product Nioxin has some severe side effects that everyone should be aware of.
Election 2012 Results
It's been a relentless election cycle filled with endless polls, a deluge of attack ads, twists, turns and surprises galore. Yesterday, citizens finally had the opportunity to cast their votes and decide the future of the nation.
And Now a Word For the Cyber Gravy Boat
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka tosses around $5 to see how many people will sell their dignity and lie about a product that makes no sense and does not exist.
Official Something Awful 2012 Presidential Endorsement
After much deliberation, Something Awful is pleased to announce our endorsement for President 2012. This candidate has everything America needs.
The Most Costly Mistakes In Survivor History
Michael Skupin promised his team that he would provide food. After a week they caught on to his lie, realizing that the plates he handed them only contained imaginary steaks. To make matters worse, an emotional Skupin admitted that the steaks were laced with imaginary poison.
Nate Silver Projects the Outcome of Nate Silver's Upcoming Date
New York Times statistics wizard Nate Silver has been making some wild predictions about his upcoming date with Stephanie.
Monstergeddon 2012 Results! (Part 8)
Last night had so many highlights! The most collective kills in Monstergeddon history, you guys! Congratulations to everyone! And the message boards are already humming with discussion about the Masked Slasher’s triumphant return from the grave. But I know, I know, let’s get on with things, right? You want to know who won the awards!
FAQ for White People: When Can I Say The "N Word"?
It has come our attention that certain white people are very confused about when it is and isn't appropriate to use the "n word." As a service to our readers, we've prepared a comprehensive FAQ with detailed directions for nearly every situation in which the word might be used.
Cougar911.com or Cougar911.gov
One’s a scam-laced “dating” site that preys on late night stoners and depressed Quizno shift managers. The other is about cats. Which one is right for you?
Wolf Blitzer's Halloween Tweets
CNN Situation Room anchor Wolf Blitzer tweets about his job, politics and his feelings. These are his actual tweets.
Productive Corvosations
A can of food! I brush past the chatty woman, focusing on the container. It's some sort of processed whale. I inhale the whole thing at once. It flies off the floor, spinning in the air as it enters my face.
The Disappearance of the Colonists on LV-426 is Something God Intended to Happen
Burke tries to explain his motivations after being caught trying to bring alien embryos back to earth.
The Redemption of Spooky Steve's Halloween Sound Effects Album Reviews
Spooky Steve returns for this fourth update in his ongoing look at holiday audio entertainment.
Memos from Bear Cave: White Tiger (Part 14)
Effective immediately: I cannot be killed and I will never die. I will run this soup company until the earth is a fiery hellhole and I am the last living thing.
Tattoo Buyer's Guide 2013
Before you run out and grab an outdated tattoo, read our 2013 buyer's preview!
Himformation!
Are you a guy in need of some answers to tough questions? Well nothing is tougher than a man. Himformation has the truth for bros.
The Hidden Messages In Snoop Lion's "Pocket Like It's Hot" Video
After performing in the entertainment industry for decades as Snoop Dogg, a man experienced a profound spiritual enlightenment. He found Jah, and through his newfound rastafarianism, was reborn as Snoop Lion. Now he has a music video for microwaveable snacks.
Matt Romney's 2028 Campaign Platform
I am Matt Romney and I approve this disintegration.
Living with The Cryptkeeper
Livin' with a corpse ain't easy.
KRUT-5 News: Teen Mobile Sex Pics: "An Epidemic"
SHAGGY BUTTE - When Dan Huhl borrowed his teen daughter’s cellular phone to make a phone call to the girl’s mother, he got much more than a friendly phone call. He got a shocking eyeful that still haunts him to this day.
What Your Flannel Says About You
Which flannel fits your lifestyle?
PolitiFact Rates the Statements of Hulk Hogan and Randy "Macho Man" Savage
Fact-checking organization Politifact weighs in on the promos being cut by Hulk Hogan and Macho Man as we approach the deciding confrontation of Wrestlemania V.
McCarthy Hearing Questions From Cooler Universes
"Sir, is it in fact your testimony that a large man on a pony can outrun a regular sized man with rollerskates? Keep in mind that you are under oath."
If Mitt Romney is Elected I Will Have to Lay Some of You Off
David Siegel, a CEO who lives in a replica of Versailles, sent an email out threatening to fire his employees if President Obama is reelected. Now we have a liberal CEO demanding the reverse.
New TV Show Roundup For Fall 2012!
This fall has enough promising ideas and spectacular failures to suit anyone's taste. Well, just about anyone's taste. There still isn't a reality series documenting Terry Gilliam's ongoing efforts to make a Don Quixote movie.
This is the Moment of Truth (Part 8)
It's not exaggeration when I say a moment of truth is fast approaching. An important journey that began some years ago is reaching a decisive point. I don't know how it's going to turn out, but I know one thing: I'm deeply optimistic.
Free CB Handles, Get Your Free CB Handles Here
Over 300 completely free CB handles ripe for the pickin', good buddy.
Actual Satanic Rituals Assembled from Media Reports of the 1980s
The variety of satanic rituals being conducted across America in the 1980s was thankfully captured by media of the time. Now we can reverse-engineer the rituals and relive the power.
Stuck In A Kitchen Cupboard And Loving It
An interview with the woman who is the new face of being stuck in a kitchen cupboard.
I Must Know Your Thoughts On Circumcisions
You've been holding out on me, but as vaguely friendly coworkers I think it is high time you tell me what I've been wanting to know.
Mitt Romney's Last-Minute Debate Notes
In this Something Awful exclusive, learn what's going through the mind of America's 65-year-old multi-millionaire comeback kid as he prepares for a captive nation eager to collect their Halo 4 avatar awards for sitting through hours of non-answers and patronizing smirks.
Spigot.us Drinking Fountain Reviews (Part 2)
Reviews of the Shaggy Butte Public Library Fountain from Spigot.us, the web's finest source for informed opinions on the hippest local drinking fountains.
Tumblr Botnet
Welcome to the Tumblr Botnet Control Center. From here you have access to the millions of drone accounts that blog and reblog daily.
Pin the Privilege on the Picture
If you support the cause of social justice you are going to love this fun, new way to identify people with privileges and make the labels stick.
Using The ESRB To Understand Human Passion
Through the ESRB's detached, nearly alien explanations of the events that take place in video games, I believe that we have the most insightful perspective on what it means for a human being to make love.
Can't Get Enough Epic Bacon!
Bacon makes everything better. More better than you can imagine. So much better, you will wonder if you were even alive before bacon.
The Scariest Thoughts of Serial Killers
We asked several notorious serial killers to tell us the scariest things they could think of. Beware, their answers are not for the faint of heart.
Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Reviews (Part 1)
Reviews of the Shaggy Butte Public Library drinking fountain from Spout.ly, the foremost source for expert opinions from dedicated drinking fountain enthusiasts.
Internet Fun: #GarfieldLive
Internet people had fun with a Garfield "live chat" recently. Have a look at the postmortem!
Ultimate Grudge Match: The Takers vs. The Makers
America is divided into the makers and the takers. Do you sleep in hammocks? Guess which side you are on in the class war.
Technical Support For The Eddie Murphy Role Playing System
Having a problem with The Eddie Murphy Role Playing System or one of its critically acclaimed modules (Crimson Lords Of The Undertide Crater, The Secret Treasure Of Captain Boss Killingblow, Mega Troll Invasion)?
Flashback Retro Gaming: Drug Exterminators (1990)
A look back at 1990's forgotten side-scrolling action game "Drug Exterminators" for the NES.
Let's Throw Chris Brown into an Active Volcano
It's the right thing to do, and the right guy to do it to.
Other Percentages of Americans Romney Won't Bother With
Romney's not backing down from his "47 percent" remarks-- in fact, that’s not the only demographic Mitt has decided not to bother with. In the full version of the hidden-camera video, he mentions several other buckets of the population who he’ll probably never win over.
![[FUNNY] The 13 Funniest Real Road Signs](https://fpi.somethingawful.com/sasbi/promo/8caa4453/ee0a54b9/cc35641a/1044b3ca/12084.jpg)
[FUNNY] The 13 Funniest Real Road Signs
Yo, do you love hilarious signs? Get a load of these funny road signs from around the 'net. Be sure to share on Facebook!
Home Improvement Haiku
Archeologists have recently unearthed several scrolls that use one form of masterful art to describe another.
Ten Four, Good Buddy
When two truckers discover a magical device that allows them to speak to one another even though they are far apart, nothing will ever be the same.
Farewell to Vilerat
Sean Smith, known as Vilerat to SA goons, was killed in the line of duty in Libya. This is how we knew Vilerat.
The Facinorous Fables of Groggery Gibbonman (Part 8)
"What trickery!" the butcher cried as he tore the makeshift ‘Wanted: Apprentice’ sign down from its place. "I made no such sign! And if I had, then even so, a raccoon would make for no honest apprentice! "Then why do you hang that other sign?" asked the raccoon, and again he pointed. And there it was, a sign that read "Wanted: Raccoon Apprentice.”
Society of Amateur Time Travelers Update for 12 September 2012 (Part 5)
Before you is the top secret log of historical changes presided over by the Society of Amateur Time Travelers. We endeavor to protect the timeline from malfeasance and tampering, and strive to witness firsthand the greatest moments in history.
A Slightly Better List of Funny Twitter People
Stop reading the blogs! This is a better list of the best Twitter users you probably don't know!
My Future Happiness Rests Entirely on the iPhone 5
The iPhone 5 is the only thing that can fulfill my meaning as a human being. I don't just want it; I need it to be happy.
Daily Miracle Tips For A Healthier And Happier You!
Some people say that the guests on my television show are predatory snake oil salesmen, that I abandon my ethics every time I stand before an audience of displaced Oprah fans and shill for pseudo-science while proclaiming that western medicine is closed-minded. Others have not seen the show.
Democrats: Bin Laden Determined to Be Mentioned by Us
The Democratic Convention in Charlotte is over. Was it a big winner for dems or will this be even less impressive than Paul Ryan's definition of "climb"?
Welcome to The 'Cheese.
Hey kid. Looks like this is your first day at the old Chuckaroonie. Yeah, I prefer to not give my actual name -- already got too many people that know I work here. I don't care about your story, but the only reason you're talking to me is because I did fifteen in the can for manslaughter.
Health Code Violations for Leonardo's FunTyme Fried Chicken Playground N' Upscale Italian Bistro
Health code violations for Leonardo's FunTyme Fried Chicken Playground N' Upscale Italian Bistro
My Great Ideas for Batman Comic Stories
I've always wanted to write Batman comics, but it's tough to break into the industry. In case anyone from the comic book world is out there, here's an impressive list of really creative Batman ideas.
Hundreds of Festival Deaths Attributed to BPA Water Bottles
Hundreds were horribly killed and thousands were sickened after failing to heed the warnings about the dangers of BPA.
ATTN: Labor Day is Cancelled
The Administration and Ulga, our Ukrainian high-class escort, understand that many of you had plans that involved families and hotdogs. Unfortunately sacrifices have to be made what with the economy being this bad and stuff.
The Sloth: Nature's Lion
If you have not experienced the pleasure of seeing a sloth, your life is incomplete. The beast itself is essentially an out-of-shape monkey with a weird neck and dumb face. Shaggy Chewbacca-like hair covers its entire body like a bad wig.
They Built It, We Can Destroy It
The Republican Convention in Tampa closes. Clint Eastwood babbles, Rubio wows, but is Romney human?
Oleg's Lie Will Come Home To Roost (Part 4)
Oleg makes me fallguy for soda machine prank. Time to even the score.
Notes from Last Night's NASA Press Conference
For those of you who missed the big NASA press conference last night, I went to the trouble of taking some detailed notes. It has been an especially stressful time for NASA given the disaster that occurred, and you can tell they are straining to come up with solutions to help the astronauts and cosmonauts still in danger.
The Confederate Air Force of 1962
The south will rise again, in white-painted formations, roaring over the desolate badlands of Texas.
Cavemen And Dinosaurs
People are burning down the cities in which they live. Blind rage compels them to turn on one another. They drop to their knees in the rubble-strewn streets and claw at their own flesh as they moan, unseeing eyes rolling back into their heads. The outcry for a modern video game about cavemen and dinosaurs is tearing apart humanity as we know it.
Barefoot Runner: The Vibramist's Manifesto
Wearers of the foot-shaped shoe unite! It's time to stop letting the bicyclists run us down and treat us like second class citizens.
A Bunch of Things Bill Gates Actually Said that You Should Share with Your Facebook Friends
Lessons in life, from the master of money.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Fresh Breath Pet Oral Care (Part 16)
I know this says it is for dogs, but that probably just means it works twice as good on humans like every other dog product. Can I safely fill my mouth with this stuff? I'm going to try it and assume I can. Here I go.
The Copious Bulletin of J.F. Swanton (Part 26)
The life of J.F. Swanton brims with deed and circumstance! Never before have I had so many evil acts to report, and to write of each in detail would overfill this newsletter to a state of bloody bursting, like the bladder of an elk suffering the horror of my patented Agonizing Urine Reversal Trap (pg. 12).
Congressman Todd Akin and the Committee for Ironic Lady Science
Rape abortions: the wisest topic of discussion for elderly, male, ultra-conservative politicians with a loose grasp of anatomy.
Bless Your Little Craft Booth
You’ve come to the fair offering crafts. In the August heat with your diabetic socks, you have the insane ability to see the possible worthless knick-knack hidden within everyday garbage. Months spent in your Craft Lair of a basement gluing beads to stuff for this moment. Time for you to monetize third grade art class!
In Defense Of My Incredible Science
Ladies and gentlemen of the board. Greetings. Mom, Dad, thank you for showing up. Your "We Love You" banner does not come anywhere near the measurements that I specified. Holy shit, you guys. Not even close. Still, your hearts are in the right place, and I reluctantly acknowledge that.
Mass Shootings Only Obama's First Step
Megadeth's Dave Mustaine has a dire warning about recent mass shootings and the future actions of the Obama administration.
This Day in Monster History (Part 7)
Twenty years ago this very day, back on August 16, 1992, the supernatural community lost a true icon when Ashley Campbell pushed Mortimer ‘The Church Retreat Maniac’ Vorchek into a live volcano. It seemed like every year Morty would get killed (often by Ms. Campbell), and this death seemed especially absurd, but sadly it stuck. We miss you, Morty.
Society of Amateur Time Travelers Updates for 15 August (Part 4)
Society member Burt fixed a very miniscule and hardly noteworthy historical deviation in the timeline that caused Emily Dickinson to be devoured by a Tyrannosaurus rex.
Subj: CAT RANCH (Part 54)
My Favorite Cats that I'm friends with now.
Paul Ryan's "Insane" Workout Routine
Paul Ryan is a fitness machine. Get on that P90X routine and get pumped the Paul Ryan way.
Super Friend Hotline
You have reached the Super Friend Hotline, where all the loneliest superheroes are pretty much just sitting around and awaiting your friendship. Listen to our eager heroes introduce themselves, then press a number on your touch-tone phone to connect with your favorite one now!
Upcoming Games for the OUYA Console
The OUYA has received millions in funding, now find out what games will be first to the $99 console.
A History of Asinine Presidential Nicknames
A history of embarrassing Presidential nicknames throughout the ages.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Head & Eye Massager (Part 15)
I got this for my horse who has been under a lot of stress lately. Long story short we are no longer on good terms. What a terrible product. I will not be recommending this head/eye scratcher to others and I am a very influential person.
Michael Phelps: The Bob Costas Interview
NBC's Bob Costas interviews retiring Olympic champion Michael Phelps on his incredible career, his post-Olympic future and his inevitable decline and suicide.
Guess Who Just Landed a Robot Car on Frigging Mars?
Former ISS Mission Commander AJ Tucker comments on the successful landing of the Curiosity rover on Mars.
Special NBC Olympic Coverage
NBC approached Olympic coverage like a college freshman approaches midterms. Sloppy, uninterested, and possibly drunk. But they spent a billion dollars for this so you're going to listen to Bob Costas explain a weird dream he had and you're going to like it.
Golf Cart Safety Lesson
While the cart is in motion, keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle - unless there is something that you really want to grab or kick. For instance, a bodacious cake shaped like a tight butt falls out of the sky, or a different cake descends, this one in the form of a soccer ball.
Huffington Post Article Uses Diaper Fetish Site as Primary Source
The Huffington Post finds sources anywhere it wants. Even inside diapers.
The Best of The Pirate Bay's Physibles Page
Last year, The Pirate Bay opened a “physibles” section for objects that you can download and make with a 3D printer. Here are some of the highlights so far.
ATTN: Mr. Olive Garden (Part 3)
Mr. Olive Garden, I have traveled to the furthest reaches of time and space to bear witness to a barren universe robbed of its galaxies, stars, nebulae and wonder.
Adventures in Living Alone
How to live by yourself as an adult might.
Please See Attached Contract Rider for Mr. Haw Haw's Appearance at Your Child's Birthday
In the high-stakes world of birthday entertainment, Mr. Haw Haw commands a high price and demands good accommodations.
The Robot Buddy Assault Complaint Questionnaire
Individuals who claim to have been physically attacked by their loyal Robot Buddy must fill out this form before matters can proceed. This will undoubtedly be a very stressful time, given your frail and unpredictable human emotions. With that in mind, please fill out the form with the assistance of your Robot Buddy.
Phrases Most Likely Used to Introduce a Segment on "Beyond 2000"
The Australian technology TV show "Beyond 2000" was exported around the world from 1985 to 1999. Look back on the amazing technology of the future.
Channel Zero Teen News
Channel Zero offers news from the teen point of view. Join our team of accomplished teen investigative reporters as they educate and entertain about issues most relevant to teens, like shopping, hanging out, planking, and suicide.
Dear Mr. Mayor: Send that Siren Packin' (Part 7)
The men in this town have no decency. I used to think there were some upstanding gentlemen here, but now every man from here to Welpsburg is tearing his clothes off and acting mad as all get out in that fountain. I don't see what's so special about that young lady's singing. It makes my ears hurt.
Japanese Wikipedia Sitcom Bios
Doo~tsu! A collection of sitcom character bios from Japanese Wikipedia. "Sometimes and especially Homer, the father does not quite fit the horse, to crack paternity."
Ask the Graffiti in a Zombie Video Game
Need relationship advice? Look no further than the graffiti scrawled on the bullet-riddled walls of your favorite zombie video games.
You Call This a Yard Sale?
It’s like I’m wandering through your highly curated collection of thrift store rejections.
The Living Legacy Of Wild Wild West
It's hard to believe that nearly thirteen years have passed since Wild Wild West captured the imaginations of moviegoing audiences worldwide. Now the film only lives in our memories. It spreads from person to person, around campfires and on impromptu stages by traveling play actors.
What is in Mitt's Taxes?
Find out what is hiding inside presidential candidate Mitt Romney's unreleased taxes.
Guest Feedback: Wolfman
"Cashier 'Wolfman' greeted me with an enthusiastic growl and feverishly punched in my order on his touchscreen. I have to say I was impressed by his vigor. My order was made wrong, but this is hardly Wolfman’s fault. If those grill workers had half his dedication, they’d read their slips correctly."
SkyMall Product Reviews: Babette Table (Part 14)
Adds just the right amount of maturity and beauty to my living room, which is sort of mostly Spider-Man themed. I like this table and may continue to gravitate towards a female legs motif and phase out the Spider-Man stuff, depending on how things go with dates. Keeping an open mind and open heart.
I Got a Cat
Turns out cats are pretty good. Check them out if you like cats.
Science Wants to Ruin All Dinosaurs
Bird-brained paleontologists keep discovering fossils to ruin the reputation of dinosaurs.
Ask A Dinosaur!
In a delightfully immoral and illegal secret facility, nearly a dozen breeds of dinosaurs have successfully been cloned. By nearly a dozen I mean eleven. Exactly eleven.
The Call of Duty Villain of the Year is YOU
Dark Knight Rises writer David S. Goyer has picked you to play the villain in the new installment of Call of Duty: Black Ops.
10 Additional Tiers from the Penny Arcade Kickstarter
In this Something Awful exclusive, check out what the Kings of Webcomicry plan on bringing to their most benevolent fanatics.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Porch Potty (Part 13)
I'm tired of dogs getting all the best places to s***. Why can't we humans have it good for once? I bought one of these for personal use & I'm not ashamed. Not one bit.
District Bulletin: The Death of Dorroile (Part 13)
Dorroile, the worst of our guys, has really done a big one this time, and most gingerly must we avoid stepping in it.
Knowing When to Wear Your Bluetooth Earpiece
Join the devoted Bluetooth wearers and find out when you should be sticking the tooth in your ear.
Summer Beach Bod Walkthrough & FAQ
Do *not* try to beat summer without reading this guide first! 100% Completion, hidden items! How to level up Tan without getting hurt!
Stan Lee's Greatest Cameo Performances
The guy created some of the most memorable comic book characters of all time. He can appear in as many ill-considered movie scenes as he wants. Besides, his cameos aren't always dumb. Sometimes they're surprisingly great.
Cash 4 Helium
Finding a safe way to invest your savings is increasingly difficult, but helium is the recession-proof resource.
Golan's Apprentice Speaks! (Part 8)
This is your chance to become a kickass minion in the cabal of Golan the Insatiable! In compliance with article 7b of The Golan Act, we're no longer called The Raping Fist of Golan. We're just The Fist of Golan. But as an organization we have more to offer than ever! Join now and you’ll receive this ‘I Am a Finger in the Fist of Golan’ T-shirt!
Burt's Power Points: Independence Day Sale (Part 4)
Burt's PowerPoints is proud to announce its INDEPENDENCE DAY SALE! Today only all of Burt's most valuable and coveted custom PowerPoints presentations are marked down and priced to sell. Need to communicate something important? Big or small, funny or serious, Burt has a PowerPoint to fit your every whim and fancy.
Advance Copy: CERN Announcement
Exclusive advance text of the highly-anticipated CERN announcement of July 2012.
Hitler Had Some Good Ideas
It is toxic and potential career suicide for celebrities to say Hitler had some good ideas, but, well...
Coming To Terms With Your Gross Decaying Body
Although we all have our own weird body issues, we're mostly fine. Really, we are - as long as we keep reasonably active, eat food that isn't entirely plastic, and apply at least one basic grooming tool to ourselves every few days. Until we hit our late twenties and early thirties, that is. Then all bets are off.
How Dare You Attempt to Otherize My Undead Horde
The commander of an undead legion besieging a castle condemns the casual bigotry of those within its walls.
Let's Make This Haunted House a Haunted Home
When the ghosting gets rough, this family doesn't get going.
SkyMall Product Reviews: MLB Forest Face (Part 12)
Just a face? Heh. Let me know when you get below the neck, then we'll have some business to conduct, SkyMall.
The Last Words of Presidents
An exhaustively researched collection of the final earthly utterances of each deceased US President.
The Olive Garden Review Lady Reviews True Blood for Her Newspaper
The woman who reviewed the Olive Garden for the Grand Forks Herald turns her attention to HBO's True Blood.
Be the 1% of the Amusement Park
The Fast Pass lets you ditch in line on all the rides. For fifty bucks, it’s the equivalent of owning a private jet and cutting off a Boeing 747 on the runway.
Phrases That Will Get You Slapped In Slap City
Pardon me. I'm here from out of town with my kids, and I just have to ask. What's the significance of this city's name?
The Worst Hypnotism
You aren't getting very sleepy. You're sort of getting annoyed. And why does this hypnotist's office have so many ants in it?
A Dude's Dilemma
"Hey, I think my water bottle rolled into your stall. Can you hand it back?" "Sure ... no wait." "What?" "My hand, it's been in my groin region..."
Unlike My Opponent, Chapter Five (Part 5)
America is in the grip of election fever again. All across this great land our citizens face some truly difficult choices in the voting booth. One election is not so simple, and the choice couldn't be more clear. Vote for me, humble American, for unlike my opponent...
New York City Will Win the War on Obesity
Welcome readers! I am Michael Bloomberg, mayor of glorious New York City, and I am waging a war against the epidemic of obesity. I have established a revolutionary set of policies and laws designed to eradicate this danger, thereby ensuring a brighter future for all our residents. Please take a moment to read it. Thank you.
We Deserve the Circus Afro We Get
Dah dah dun dun dun dun dun CIRCUS Dah dah dun dun dun dun dun KILL ME.
Things Used To Be So Much Better
It seems to me that things just aren't the same as they used to be. Where did the good things go? Why is everything so scary and weird? It was all so much better before.
Transgressive Presidents: The Founders
Washington neutered himself with a vise, Adams named a mule to his cabinet, and other secrets of history you probably did not hear in the classroom.
ATTN: Goonies -- I 'M' Good Enough
Your favorite '80s archetypes are back and here to raise a ruckus!
You Have Served Your Dark Lords Well, Skeleton in a Barrel
Nameless Skeleton, word of your deed has reached my post miles beneath you. I am impressed, for you are the first of our wretched kind to ever successfully pop out of a barrel and kill a mortal.
Advanced Chess Glossary
A list of uncommon chess terms for advanced players, including unusual game variants, unconventional strategies and historical oddities.
Why the Last Thing the USA Needs is More Goddang Teachers (Part 5)
Don Larry, USA Patriot, makes his case against teachers and for his own private academy.
![[Default] Invitation to Graduation](https://fpi.somethingawful.com/sasbi/promo/0f95f7ad/389a372d/9876a2dd/b2551a43/11893.jpg)
[Default] Invitation to Graduation
For a $20 Gift (no gift certificates) you will receive one of the following Senior Pictures: The Tree Hug, The Relaxed Recline, Serious in Sepia, Hunk Magnet.
Get To Know Your Professional Wrestling Match Types
Custom Deathmatch: Low gravity. Instant respawns. Quad damage pickups. No pistols or sniper rifles. Round ends at 50 frags.
Wolf Blitzer Tweets Again
CNN Situation Room anchor Wolf Blitzer's real tweets, totally unedited.
History's Most Dangerous Humans (Part 6)
As the crudely assembled creation of a deranged scientist, I have my share of existential baggage. I was going through a dark patch, drinking a lot, tried to commit suicide by freezing myself at the Arctic Circle, was discovered and thawed by Russian oil-workers, blah blah. But after killing everyone on that oil rig, I feel re-energized and happy!
Memos from Bear Cave: Man's Reach (Part 2) (Part 13)
We don't need marketing. Our soups appeal to a large audience. We've captured almost all of the wife beater market and angry dads prefer our soups two to one. You can't buy that kind of success. You earn it by making the meanest soup the world has ever seen.
Your Idiot Kid Doesn't Need to Watch Movies All Day
It turns out that your dumb child might not need to be glued to gadgets all the time!
CRAWLER: The Original Cryptid Hookup Site
Whether you are looking for a Mongolian Death Worm to settle down with or a Loch Ness Sexpig, Crawler is the relationship site for you.
A Routine Day For Steven Seagal's Stunt Coordinator
We will fill a plastic cup with ice cream, and attach that to a mannequin's hand. A crewman will lay on the ground and manipulate the arm as if it is yours. He will ineffectually bump the cup against your entire face for about a minute while your soundalike makes exaggerated chewing noises into a microphone.
Please Do Not Inhale the Smoke from Our Bath Salts
The makers of Soothing Rabbit Bath Salts put out a warning about an unexpected health risk related to their product.
E3 2012 Predictions
You want the hottest secrets about the most important video game event of the year? Let Something Awful bring you exclusive information about the games you'll likely be complaining about on the Internet this November!
SkyMall Product Reviews: Litter Robots (Part 11)
CONS: Plays fast and loose with Three Laws of Robotics. I personally witnessed it operating with a cat inside, allowing harm to come to it. The cat was showered violently in its own waste products before being deposited into a tiny drawer of filth.
The Girl's Locker Room Ain't All It's Cracked Up To Be
“TC,” the girls call me. That’s short for towel coach-- it’s my job to oversee the ladies’ locker room. Go ahead and laugh, but I take my job seriously.
In Memory of Our Nation's Golems
After years of serving our nation, it is time for us to honor the golems we have sent against our enemies. Please keep your distance.
Get your Apartment Deposit Back Now!
Your place is trashed and the landlord is on the way. But even if you deserve to lose every cent of your deposit, don’t give up! With these easy tips and a few simple household goods, a gallon of gasoline and the hologram projector used to resurrect Tupac, you’ll be a few hundred dollars richer!
If You Don't Mind I'm Just Going To Be A Barbarian From Here On Out
In a few days I will burn all of my clothes and possessions. I will don a loincloth, thick fur boots and wristguards. An x-shaped leather harness will hug my manly torso, fastening one sheath on my back for a broad two-handed sword and another on my chest for a MacBook.
The Demise of Guys: From Our Gross, Sticky Hands
Psychologist Philip Zimbardo is blaming the ruination of the modern male on video games and pornography. Ruined modern males disagree.
Dear Target Employee,
We've noticed that you haven't been following certain store rules. Our rules are important for maintaining a friendly atmosphere for our guests and a healthy and productive working environment for our team. Please review the following incidents and reflect on how you could've handled them better.
E. C. Fouke's Compendium of Meat & Edibles: On Orphan & Other Fine Meats (Part 25)
Greetings to you, my fellow American Carnivore. I am pleased and delighted to bring you another edition of my celebrated periodical, the most spirited tribute to the healthy and unabated consumption of all living beasts.
The Pleasure Texts: Episode I
The story of eternal pleasures, as told through those who lived it.
NATO Scrambles to Respond to Protestors' Signs
Protestors gathering in Chicago are throwing their message in the face of NATO using bold signs, and NATO is taking them seriously.
Sports Rulebook Madness
In an ongoing effort to keep their products safe, fair, and enjoyable, professional sports leagues update their rulebooks every year. These changes don't always stick. In fact, some rules are so disastrous that they don't even last through an entire season.
Our Miracle Daughter's Battle with Flesh-Eating Disease
Kelly is our miracle girl. Every day she gets stronger than the day before, no matter how many pieces of her body melted off.
Demands from the Triple Amputee Extra
One man's struggle with being a unique voice of the film community.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Mega Mini Spy Camera Pro (Part 10)
Works like a charm! Have accrued over 80 hours of video of a certain family dog dragging his buttocks on the carpet. Will be presenting this evidence in a kangaroo court in our living room. Open and shut case, family. A slam dunk for sure. This dog is guilty and going to doggy prison.
Your Band Sucks Special Report: The Loveless Reissue
Your Band Sucks temporarily rises from the grave to examine the new reissue of Loveless, My Bloody Valentine's landmark album of mumbling and weird guitars. Spot every nuance of the remaster and listen like a pro!
Euphemisms: "Shopping"
Get out your card, we have a collection of euphemisms used to describe various types of shopping.
ATTN: All Ice Cream Parlor Staff! Please Read!!!
Time to lower the # of complaints/reports of accidental food poisoning! Please Read ASAP!
I Am The Best Computer User In The World
I was more than happy to keep this to myself. For years I conducted my operations in stealth mode, my talents known only by the select few who occupied the upper echelons of computer expertise. Then, as the internet grew exponentially, so did the hollow bragging from pretenders to the throne.
Things Mitt Romney Forgot He Did in High School
Mitt Romney was recently revealed as quite the prankster at Cranbrook School, but Romney can't remember those days. Here are a few more incidents he was involved in to refresh his memory.
Internet Writers Guild of America Registry Form
For a small fee, the Internet Writers Guild of America Registry documents your authorship of a work, protecting it from potential plagiarism. (Note: due to recent market fluctuations, the IWGA no longer accepts payment in Bitcoins.)
Society of Amateur Time Travelers Historical Updates for 9 May (Part 3)
Society member Herold caused a time loop that resulted in an endless NPR pledge drive. The source of the loop has been eliminated and the pledge drive should come to its natural conclusion in about three years.
Baseless Speculation: John Travolta
A somewhat childish but provocative look at John Travolta's latest controversy.
My Dad the Ghost Rider
Judy Blume meets Marvel as a teenage girl learns to deal with the difficulties of having a Ghost Rider for a father.
Like Galileo Dropped The Orange
How in the world did they make the leap from Licensed To Ill to Paul's Boutique? It was insane. Like "barely able to touch the basketball rim on your first jump, then accidentally leaping into the sun on the next try" insane.
The Elder Scrolls MMO Leaked Info
Word has leaked of an upcoming Elder Scrolls MMO. We have compiled all of the rumors about the game.
Local Woman Enjoys Warm Meal
Find out what all the buzz is about down at Mr. McDonald's restaurant.
SkyMall Product Reviews: The NeckPro Traction Device (Part 9)
Love it. Makes me feel like gentle angels are reaching down and grabbing the base of my skull and pulling upward as if to remove my head from my body completely, only they don't and the disorienting euphoria that follows briefly frees me from my neck pain for a good 10-15 minutes.
$700 large bedroom with laundry on site! (mission district)
Shower pressure is pretty good most of the time, but when your roomie flushes the toilet it gets a little drizzly. There’s only one bathroom, so we have sort of an “open bathroom” arrangement. I took the liberty of removing the lock from the door, so if we both need to pee at the same time, we can totally “play swords” LOL!
God's Plan
Whenever something goes wrong. Whenever tragedy strikes. Remember: God has a plan. To liberate $170 million from the High Roller vault in Las Vegas.
Incredible And Bizarre Filmmaking Techniques
Making a movie look good is more complicated than setting up some lighting, pointing a camera in the right direction, and hoping that no ugly people walk into frame. The most common tricks of the trade would seem outlandish to most people outside the industry.
I'm Declaring a Moratorium on Pizza Experimentation
After decades of pizza research we have no good innovations. It's time to call a stop to all pizza scientists.
This New Slave Is the Worst
I caught him nailing his testicles to the roof with the nailgun. He must hate working if he's willing to stage such an elaborate injury just to get out of laying some shingles! I was pretty upset, so he apologized and asked if I was going to whip him. I told him yes, I was definitely going to crack the whip, so to speak, by giving him more chores.
SkyMall Product Reviews: King Tut Life-Sized Cabinet (Part 8)
This is the fifth item I've ordered from SkyMall that's placed me under a curse. Most SkyMall curses are pretty tolerable, but this one is filled with horrible visions of scarabs eating my children's flesh. The cabinet itself is OK, but I haven't been able to get it open again and all of my Tracy Chapman CDs are inside.
Kickstarting Ron Paul
The Internet's going wild for a Kickstarter to develop an original Ron Paul video game. Take a look at how awesome and original it actually is!
Kickstarters Ended with Zero Backers
Many Kickstarters are destined to fail. Some fail spectacularly. These Kickstarters never earned a dollar.
Full Metal Something
I arrived for basically training with the other sorta soldiers, our inner tubes depositing us roughly near the camp-like facility. Some inner tubes passed the dock, drifting down the river and over the horizon, their passengers and the officers ashore shrugging at one another.
Angie's List: The Oak Court Creeper
Angie's List provides local reviews of local businesses, including a peeping creeper, a loose dog and Wayne's lawn.
Life Instructions
A man's life from A to Z.
The Cyber Spellbook
Some useful excerpts from The Cyber Spellbook, a powerful religious tome from the authors of The Wiccan Web. Learn to banish foes using hot cyber tech (the toilet), and use a simple checklist to find out if you're a true Cyber Witch!
More of Wolf Blitzer's Actual Tweets
CNN host Wolf Blitzer is still allowed to use twitter for some reason.
Forgotten Hunger Games Deaths
With all the attention Hunger Games has received, it’s time to take a closer look at the lesser known murders in the event’s past.
The Hot Dog Pizza Procurement Zone FAQ
Welcome to the hot dog pizza procurement zone. You may be experiencing some confusion and early signs of a dissociative disorder. This is normal. We have provided this document to help you along in your attempt to obtain a pizza with hot dogs baked into the crust.
Update on Our Fully Gender-Inclusive Bathrooms
Friendr CEO Tamt Hiccum details the inclusive changes to the company bathrooms and signage.
The Glory of Golan: An Exclusive Excerpt! (Part 7)
Perhaps you are mystified as to why the puny dullard Yor has a published work spreading his meaningless legend, while Golan the Insatiable, a demigod who death-gripped an entire world, has none. I too have a champion to sing my saga onto the written page! I just didn’t want to tell anyone, because it is far from a big deal for Golan the Insatiable.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Personal Infrared Sauna (Part 7)
Love it, but would love it more if they added a hole to the seat so I didn't have to clean up any messes after extended stays inside. It's a bit hard to get in and out of and it's not like I'm going to diap up for something like this.
Amendments to 'My Fanifesto'
Important additions to the iconic TV star's fanifesto.
2052: Instructions for Grandpa to Get Onto the Datarealm
That datarealm kit we got your grandpa for Christmas is gathering dust. Can you help him set it up, Juztyn?
We Didn't Land On Grimrock, We Fell In
The only thing you need to know about Legend Of Grimrock is that you can drag any item into the middle of the screen to throw it. That item will not slope downward, and will not stop until it hits a wall or a bad guy's nose.
Updates on the Mirlande Wilson Mega Millions ARG
Mysterious, self-proclaimed Mega Millions winner Mirlande Wilson continues to release information about her ongoing ARG.
The Friends with Benefits Fellowship Ends as of Today
Pastor Dave announces the loss of a popular Church program.
Dear Mr. Mayor: Please Apprehend the Ominous Child (Part 6)
Mr. Mayor, If it's a lack of nerve that's keeping you from dealing with this demonic child, I have enough for the both of us. I'll do what needs to be done. Just give me a large flamethrower and plenty of space to do what I do best. It won't be like the last time either. I've got new glasses.
Pharmanautz Triplogs: Blitz
Trusted trip reports from Pharmanautz members on Blitz, the new designer drug sweeping the New Chicago area. Learn what to expect from this controversial substance!
GORSKFUNDR: FUND PROJECT! (Part 5)
#1 strengthsman of USA and world is back to provide info about his new service to crowd fund projects.
What to do when Dee Snider eats at your restaurant
Serve him wrong and you'll be carted off to the hospital with nothing to show but a shattered clavicle and a pile of VH1's I Love The 80s Dvds.
Poetry Generator Pro
From the makers of the award-winning Award Creator Deluxe comes the next step forward in computer generated poetry: Poetry Generator Pro! Now it's easier than ever to turn your favorite memories into actual poems - without the hassle of writing poetry yourself.
SkyMall Product Reviews: X5 HairLaser (Part 6)
We bought this to use on our hairless dog, but were shocked to discover the laser was baconizing his skin. The dog loves licking his new flavored flesh, and so do we. We're very afraid he'll start to gnaw it off, though. The smell is mouth watering and intoxicating.
PlatMaster 10,000!
The PlatMaster 10,000 is the world’s first platform simulator. Its hydraulic pads move forward at an adjustable rate, while its soft bed of foam-rubber Safe-T spikes ensures a missed jump won’t deplete your health. Finally you can sprint, leap and vault to your heart’s content without worrying about falling into a bottomless chasm of nothingness!
Trayvon's Reefer Madness
Weed-crazed hoodie thug and effing goon Trayvon Martin's death was definitely a tragedy, but........
Your Company Sucks at Social Media
Stop with the metrics and buzzwords and just shut up for a minute.
This Data Center is Now Under My Protection
Full data protection. Ready to engage anyone or anything (zombies???) that threatens my data center and your data.
Internet Guy Solves Everything
Internet Guy can be seen arguing below YouTube videos, following various internet articles with comments like "cute... im surprised this place is still going so many years after it stopped being relevant", and begging celebrities whose work he pirates to follow or RT him on Twitter.
The Reificant: Reprise (Part 8)
The Reificant prequel to Liminal States reaches its conclusion.
George Zimmerman's Neighborhood Watch Notes
Learn to protect yourself from dangerous teens through tips from the master of neighborhood defense.
Society of Amateur Time Travelers Historical Updates for 20 March (Part 2)
Society member Doug has been placed on temporary probation after nearly erasing Shark Week 2010 from the history books.
@JoseCanseco, Put Your Diaper Where Your Mouth Is
Jose Canseco, I have a very special offer and am putting up well over a thousand dollars.
Euphemisms: "Work"
Euphemisms abound. It's a dirty job and there's gotta be a phrase to describe it.
I will not trim my Phallic Bush!
You know how I like to garden? Perversely. Inappropriately. Unnecessarily graphic with a dash of grotesque debauchery. I’m the Caligula of horticulture, I’m Better Homes and Gardens’ worst nightmare. Deal with it.
A Few Dumb Moments In Mass Effect 3
If you play RPGs to take on a character, this series finale makes perfect sense if your role was Inscrutable Turret Man.
The Reificant: Urge (Part 7)
The Reificant explores a collapsing city-island and discovers a sinister presence within the water in this penultimate installment.
SXSW Guide and Anti-Guide 2012 (Part 2)
Something Awful's music writers shed light on which acts to see at South by Southwest and which to avoid. NOTE: In the likely case that you're not actually going to SXSW, this update also works as a way to try new stuff and find a cool band you hadn't heard that will make you want to play all their other songs on Spotify or whatever.
SkyMall Product Reviews: ZenHaus Dog Crates (Part 5)
The vague product description doesn't explain much. Is this large enough to fit an adult woman? How wide are those little side vents? Could I Get a 16" meat lovers pizza through them? Disturbed such common questions are not addressed in product details. Please be more thorough, SkyMall.
The Wiccan Web
Merry meet, and welcome to the Wiccan Web! Experience the magic of the world's greatest book, which teaches us about cyber spells, virtual feasting, and Gwalchmei, the Celtic god of embedding midi files into your web page.
Hunting Emos in Sadr City
The only good emo is a dead emo? No, they only become more powerful in death.
Know Your Comics: Guys With Big Heads
I do not claim to be a comic book expert, but I do imply it and ask that you treat my words with all the respect that such a lofty title commands.
The Reificant: Exile (Part 6)
The Reificant concocts a dangerous scheme to thwart the spread of the water.
Re: Your New "Hakuna Matata" Business Plan
One man's struggle to live the diseased jungle animal life in today's modern world.
Shaggy Butte Police Blotter for March 6, 2012
Downtown, 12:22 pm. A spontaneous massing of dogs caused momentary panic, but the estimated 1000+ feral canines were quickly dispersed with tear gas. Residents were only forced indoors for a modest 20 minutes, and no injuries were reported.
Billy Drago: An Appreciation in Five Parts
A brief and incomplete tribute to villainous character actor Billy Drago: teacher of acting, owner of islands, pawer of women and signer of insane autographs.
Alright, Girls, Here's What You're Allowed to Do
The pleas of girls everywhere are answered: a man is here to tell you what you are allowed to do.
Should You Buy a Pet Snake?
Finally, the answer to the age old question. Wonder no more!
Windows 8 Preview
After spending some time with the recently released preview build of Windows 8, I have some insightful, brilliant thoughts.
The Reificant: Brave (Part 5)
The Reificant finds more life and attempts to thwart the mysterious water.
The Festooneried Fables of Groggery Gibbonman (Part 7)
‘Why have you forgotten us?’ moaned the skeletons. They strained with ancient clatter. ‘Let us die!’
Memos from Bear Cave: Man's Reach (Part 1) (Part 12)
Apparently I'm paying you all to gossip about the state of the company. Well, if you cannot possibly continue living without knowing the truth, here it is: I lost half our offices in a high-stakes game of poker at one of the Soup & Broth afterparties.
#SaveDerpy!
Exploring the nature of the #SaveDerpy campaign with a well-trained eye.
We Love To Watch Shows About People Not Knowing Things
I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant is a television program in which human beings relate actual tales of stealth fetuses that did not make their presence known until they dropped a smoke bomb and rappelled out of the womb.
The Reificant: Warning (Part 4)
The Reificant endures a very inhospitable place and attempts to warn the inhabitants of impending danger.
Know Your Fetus with DEMOTIVATE-TOR
This plucky robot makes state-sanctioned humiliation easier than ever before!
SkyMall Product Reviews: Peeing Boy Fountain (Part 4)
Don't be a chump. Spring for the piped version with the recirculating pump. I feel like an idiot for not doing that. It breaks my heart looking at this little guy standing there, holding his thing and trying to pee.
The Foster Friess Guide to Women's Health
Last week, Santorum backer Foster Friess came under intense media scrutiny for a joke he made during an MSNBC interview: "You know, back in my days, they’d use Bayer aspirin for contraceptives," Friess said. "The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly." We’ve contacted Mr. Friess to clarify his positions.
Hey, Science, Can We Slow Down the Rush to Dystopia?
Could scientists stop dreaming up new ways to hasten our descent into nightmare reality? At least slow it down.
My Favorite Fantasy Frasier Episodes!
The best episodes of Frasier! Ever! Every dream fulfilled here, folks!
The Fastest-Growing Career Fields
The world economy has found its way into a bit of a catastrophic hell vortex, shredding the muscles and guts from our bodies and leaving us all screaming skeletons. Metaphorically.
The Reificant: Panorama (Part 3)
The reificant experiences the brutal and cold places touched by the water only to find a more horrible truth near to home.
Monstergeddon Travel: Los Angeles (Part 5)
The Los Angeles metropolitan area is the second largest in the United States in terms of human population, and the fourth largest in terms of monster population (behind New York City, New Orleans, and Placid Valley, Colorado).
You Idiot! You Missed Valentine's Day! (Part 21)
Oh! You idiot, you bumbling fool! You forgot to get a Valentine's Day gift. Don't worry -- all hope is not yet lost. The Bradford Exchange has a scintillating selection of thoughtful gifts certain to strengthen the bonds of your love and appease any hurt feelings.
Valentine's Day Last Ditch Kit
Time's running out and all the best gifts are gone from the store, but all is not lost!
Reddit Bids a Reluctant Farewell to Sexy Children
The complete saga of the SA Forums and their crusade against reddit's child porn.
The Conversation That No One Wants To Have With Their Parents
Hey, kiddo. Mind if we come in? Your mom and I would like to have a little chat with you. It's... an announcement? No, I suppose that's not the right word for it.
The Reificant: Collapse (Part 2)
The story of the Reificant continues as its civilization falls into ruin.
Life Tips from an Extreme Couponing Spouse
Examine the other side of an extreme couponing partnership, straight from the husband's mouth.
Dear Mr. Mayor: Please Do Something About the Pirate Ghosts (Part 5)
Dear Mr. Mayor, I've been trying very hard to see the positives of having a crew of murderous ghost pirates sailing around town in a ship that can move through solid objects and cannot be damaged by bullets. I've thought long and I've thought hard, Mr. Mayor. The simple fact is I don't see any good coming out of this situation.
The Shaggy Butte Downtown Dreams Festival
It’s almost that time of year again, Shaggy Butters: the 19th annual Downtown Dreams Festival will be taking over the Shaggy Butte Plaza! As always, we’ve got a stellar schedule of fine art, food, local vendors, rock music and fun. Best of all, we’ve got the best lineup of big-ticket headliners Downtown Dreams has ever seen.
Mitt Romney, Please Shut Up About the Olympics
Mitt Romney is given a crash course in shutting the hell up about saving the 2002 Winter Olympics.
Please Attend the Unparalleled Greatness of My Foot Ball Party
This is a foot ball party the way it is supposed to be celebrated. We have season two of Frasier and enough corn chips that you won't even notice my moles ones.
How To Beat Up An Entire Football Team By Yourself
Start the fight by running along a wall in slow motion and kicking one guy in the face. Try to get his head to spin around and spray a fine mist of sweat into the air. Land with your back to everyone else, slowly turning your head to smirk over your shoulder.
The Reificant: Battle (Part 1)
Let the Reificant's story be a warning. Let its fall prevent your own.
Devil Went Down to Georgia: A Court Case
YOUR ACCUSATIONS HAVE GUARANTEED YOUR DESTRUCTION, ATTORNEY!!! I WILL CRUSH YOUR BODY BENEATH THE WEIGHT OF MY HELLISH LEGS!!! I WILL PERCH UPON YOUR TWISTED CORPSE AND PICK THROUGH YOUR BURSTING ABDOMEN! I'LL SWALLOW THE BONES OF YOUR LEGS AND VOMIT THEM UPON THE FACES OF YOUR CHILDREN! IN HORROR THE JURY WILL WATCH AS I … *Order in the Court!!*
Skymall Product Reviews: Komfort Kollar (Part 3)
Pros: Extremely comfortable memory foam support helps you relax on long trips. Cons: Sharp hooks inside cushion dig into neck and become locked around jugular.
How to Become an Adult Novelty Baron, Probably
I don't know a thing about business, but I think I know an idea when I see it!
The TV Shows That Died Young
Celebrate the demise of Work It with a look back at some of our favorite short-lived TV shows.
Secrets Of Magic Exposed!
I wear a black ski mask at all times to hide my face. I carry a symbolic broken magic wand. My velvet cape has a large icon sewn across the back, a red circle with a line through it superimposed over a rabbit being removed from a top hat. They will never find me.
UMMM Excuse Me CDC But My Baby Caught Morgellons From Your Rubella Vaccine
MorgellonsMom has a daughter with Morgellons and a family wracked with vaccine-related illness and she will not be silenced by the CDC.
Newt Gingrich Presents: Economics for Black People, Volume 1
Newt Gingrich extends a chubby hand to a race so desperately in need of his help.
Please Give Your Present or Future Dog One of the Following Names
Over the years I have made it my personal mission to improve the quality of dog names in the world. I invite you now to view my list of proper dog names, and steal from it for your own personal dog-naming needs.
Zombie Plans
Love messes with our brains, that’s a fact. Do you really want your judgment impaired in a life or undead situation? Or someone flirting with you when you’re trying to focus on not being zombie chow? Sorry to my secret admirers, but romance has no place in my zombie plan.
Japan Ruined My Whopper
Lunch is ruined by the contents of a box of unusual condiments from Japan.
Tamagotchi Humane Society Needs Help
This is Kerotchi and he needs your help. Left beside a cassette of OMC’s hit single “How Bizarre”, he waited for a neglectful owner to never return. For 15 years, Kerotchi was forgotten without [FEED] and forced to [PLAY] where he [TOILET].
The Inevitable Batman Movie Reboot
With this summer's Dark Knight Rises, Christopher Nolan's take on Batman comes to an end. I humbly present my ideas for the reboot which is sure to follow. For instance, Two-Face Face-Off Face Race: Trading Faces.
Euphemisms: "Blogging"
A series of helpful euphemisms for you to use to describe your blogging activities.
Oleg Is up to No Good (Part 2)
Boss nephew oleg is the anti worker antagonist.
Munchr Reviews: Aftertaste
Check out Munchr. for reviews of Aftertaste and other great hangouts from users just like you!
Twitter is Full of Dregs
Contrary to popular belief, the real Katt Williams is not writing shitty jokes on Twitter all day.
Don't Blame PB-11s for All These Droid Attacks, It's the Owner's Fault
One man argues that other models of droid are just as dangerous as his PB-11 helper droid.
Maintaining Your Stealth Bomber On A Shoestring Budget
Things are going well. Maybe you got a new job, or you received a few gift cards for Christmas, or you finally decided to cut the cable tv cord and get all your shows and movies online. Now you have some disposable income in your pocket, and suddenly that stealth bomber you've always wanted is within your price range.
In Fifty Years Everything Will Be Video Games
Will a technological singularity create a new intelligence or will we die farting up our sweatpants and playing Call of Duty?
The McCallister Trials
The true face of child-based slapstick is an ugly one indeed.
The Spectacular Talent of Royt Gingerwich
Let It Be Known That Royt Gingerwich Has Mastered the Art of Loud Yelling & Intends to Demonstrate His Remarkable Talent to Everybody Within Earshot.
District Bulletin: The Notable Dead (Part 12)
In the days when we had no god, we did not know what death brung. But now we have Swimp, and we are content to die: we will join our cuddle-soft cutie bunny on the moon forever. We will romp and play, and sour clams will be unlimited and Swimp will open their tins for us. Every person will be there, except Dorroile.
I Won't Be Descriminated Against, American Girl Doll
I am a 1/16th Cherokee Indian Dad's Rights crusader and I resent the way you have treated me as a second class citizen when I visited American Girl Place in Chicago this weekend.
Welcome to Your First Apartment: Water Heater
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking ‘man, that sounds just like there’s a rabbit drowning in that water heater.’ But you’re wrong, buddy, I mean, if there were really a rabbit inside your water heater, it would have drowned already or in the very least been boiled alive, right?
Essential Gaming Accessories
After three bottles of Game Fuel, I noticed an improvement in my ability to eat ghosts and get high scores. I also noticed the sensation of my heart feeling cold and slowing down while my skin went numb all over.
Rick Santorum's Sex-Haunted World
Rick Santorum is a likable, down-home, real American guy who is terrified of and really mad about sex.
Golan Xmas: The Mall Massacre (Part 6)
I have since learned that your Santa Claus is a strange pacification prank you play on your young, and not actually a worshiped god, but as a stranger in your stank dimension, you can doubtlessly understand why I took your Claus to be some fashion of minor deity when I saw a throng of people gathered before him on his blood-red velvetted throne.
Here's what I need you to know (Part 7)
I trust your discretion. I know the Obama Campaign has been asking a lot lately. Believe me, we wouldn't ask if the stakes weren't so high.
Hold On, My Computer's Telling Me I Have Beef With Some Dude
Some blog's telling me I got a problem with some computer dude?
The World's Longest Fingernails or: I Wrote a New Book
If you enjoyed my fiction in the past, you may enjoy the weird, disgusting world of my new novel, LIMINAL STATES.
